Sunday, December 19, 2010

mosaic.

yesterday i had my first day with mosaic independent percussion. it was a good day, despite a few things that i found either unfair or just awkward. i feel really old compared to my section, mostly from experience, not age. i've been playing for a lot longer than any of them... and even though i'm really good and have that experience it kind of feels like none of them really give me that credit. it was really good motivation to get out of this state though. really good motivation to audition for mcm next season...

i'm really hoping dayton is worth it. i've heard it is, so i'm hoping on that.

someone is coming to look at my house today, hopefully he isn't super creepy and will move in with us. now i just need to find a new job and i'll be set.

i love when things just fall into place :)

i must say that the worst part of drumline is the location. i missed being home... but now that i'm here all i want to do is take my family, devon and alan and go back to flag...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

spring2011.

i always tend to post more when i have problems or things to sort out in my mind... hahaha. the start of this semester was SO good. i went to all of my classes, did all of my homework, read every chapter assigned.it was the best start to a semester that i had ever had... and i'm not sure what happened.

now it's the end of the semester, although i was done going to school weeks ago, and i feel... dumb. not smart. like i have nothing going for me.

sure, now i have drumline and i have work and i have kkpsi, but i can't shake this feeling that i really miss being dedicated to high school and doing homework and feeling smart.

i also can't shake this feeling that if i do take another full schedule of classes next semester or any time soon, that i'll completely fail, just like this semester.

i don't want to take photography next semester, mainly because i got such high reviews in the class i was in, and then totally stopped going. the class i want to take is taught by the same teacher... and i guess i'm just afraid.

i miss being motivated to study. i miss actually taking classes that challenged me but also were interesting. i miss feeling smart. i miss preparing for tests and exams. i miss going to the library to actually study. i miss getting a's...

i swear i'm crazy...

next semester will be busy. i'll have to work constantly and be gone a lot for drumline. but i think i'm going to take a math class.

HOHMYGOSH A MATH CLASS.

i hated my math class last semester, but it was all word problems and crap like that, which i haaate. but i remember, every time i went into the math building i felt... well i don't know, but i always really liked the math building. i remember walking around and seeing some of the posters on the wall and just thinking it was so cool.

so i'm going to slowly add some normal classes back into my life. hopefully this will not backfire on me... hopefully i'll learn to enjoy more studying time in the library, seeing as now i have friends/brothers to study with :D

Monday, December 13, 2010

pros/cons.

i've been thinking a lot about drumline. it's still a possibility, and i totally want it to be. i've been leaning towards mosaic for many reasons, one being that i will get to go to world championships, something i've always wanted.

i figured out that i'll need to double the amount of money i make per week in order to pay for everything. i'm contemplating asking around for sponsorships or selling things. i have a flute i need to sell, and possibly my piccolo... not sure if i want to sell my piccolo, but it's a possibility.

i just can't get it out of my head. i don't want to take a season off... i don't think i can handle it.

i still need a roommate.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

new happenings.

ahhh, life. it's happening, and it's preventing me from posted about it. it's almost the end of the semester and i can say that i'm happy with the way most of it has gone. the little bit that i'm not happy about: school. i pretty much stopped going. i haven't even been on ccc's campus in like, three weeks. i know this is bad, but i don't see the point in going other than to feel like i'm not wasting money. here's to next semester i guess!

i have about three more days of my rush process for kkpsi. every time i think about it i get butterflies. i can't help but think about how much i've really loved my process. i've been wondering how things will change and whether or not i'm ready for it. i've been a pm for so long that i feel like i'll forget that i'm a brother (if i go through that is...). i've grown so much this semester and i'm so happy that i've finally made it through my process. at the beginning of my process i think i just wanted to get through it. but as i started interviewing people, and interviewing people i hadn't interviewed before, and putting on things like our social, fundraiser and service project, i started to realize how much i really needed last semester and this semester. i'm a different person. i can handle more. i've grown. it took talking to someone i wasn't really close with and someone who brothers told me wouldn't be a great interview to help me realize how much i've really grown throughout my entire process. i'm so grateful either way, whether i get a bid to third or not (but i better... just saying). i'm not sure where i would be if i hadn't rushed.

ummm besides that, i need a new roommate. i almost got married. i need a new job. i hate driving in snow. and yeah.

just kidding about the married part. it was a joke...

but totally, i almost did ;)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

plans.

shkjtrhnr.

motivation to finish my rush process for kkpsi = 329580368237659584%

motivation for school = -209348594386%

i honestly think my motivation for school would be the same whether or not i decided to rush again.

i read this post and felt like i finally had someone who believed the same as me about school.

i love photography, it's what i want to do. not only do i love it, but i'm good at it. it's the one thing that just comes naturally to me. i know i need to take more photography classes, which i will, but i don't see the need for a degree. i really don't. photography might be the one profession where your portfolio gets you hired, not your degree. and school just seems to be a big waste of time. so next semester for me is a photography class, a noncredit class about documentary making, and maybe some other noncredit classes through ccc. maybe not. more work time, more money, and more photography. i'm going to be applying to different photography studios and hopefully starting from the bottom to make my way up to the top. don't get me wrong, i actually don't mind working at burger king. i get cheap food and most of the people are pretty awesome, but i've gained a few pounds and i'm NOT okay with that. and my hours are getting cut and one of my roommates wants to move out. i need more money.

so yeah. that's the plan for me. less school, more work (hopefully as a photographer or for a photographer), healthier eating and more fun.

not that this semester isn't fun. i love it :) just not the school part...

Monday, November 1, 2010

i can't find my art book, so i'm not going to art for the third time in a row.

is that bad?

school sucks right now.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

next semester i will not take early classes that i sleep through anymore! ahh. i've slept through my art class twice this week, which sucks because i actually like it! next semester i will focus on art, and only art. and not being up early! woo.

this semester has been so drastically different from the original plan. it's almost halfway over and i'm probably failing half of my classes, i'm absolutely in love with the other half. i've realized more in what i want and what i need to do with my life than i ever have. i've been busier than ever, working 30 hours a week and still managing to fit in 3-6 interviews a week. second degree is this weekend, and i'll be just under halfway done with my interviews.

i have an interview with old navy on friday. well, she didn't exactly call it an interview, but told me to come in so we could talk about my availability. over the phone she said they were hiring someone to work tuesday and thursday mornings. that's usually when i do my interviews for kkpsi, but i figure if i get that job i can just work less hours at burger king and do them at another time.

i suck at blogging lately, i know this. hopefully next semester will give me more time. probably not though.

but, i'm happy :) i'm very happy :D

Friday, October 15, 2010

"so, this is my life. and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

i think the reason i haven't been writing blogs as regularly, is because i started writing in a journal. it was weird for a while here on my blog because i was just writing about everything happening in my life and i personally thought it was annoying because i was trying to do that, while also not writing too much because i know that someone's personal journal isn't always fun to read. and i also could never write everything i wanted to write in fear of someone getting hurt or whatever.

so, yeah. i've been trying to justify to myself why i haven't been running home to write a blog on something i've been thinking about all day.

i've been so super busy though lately, so whenever i get free time i tend to just want to lay around and do nothing.

school is going halfway well... i'm super behind in psychology and cis 120. i'm very much on the right track in art and photography though. i've been thinking about classes for next semester. digital photography II is the only for sure class that i already signed up for. i would really like to take documentary photography, there's a problem with the school not offering the prerequisite... weird, i know. then i was also thinking about drawing and art history.

i've also been thinking about taking some noncredit classes. they have some that are only for a few weeks or even just for a day. the one's i was thinking about are a digital photography class, a beginners photoshop class, and a jewelry making class. haha. i'm still trying to figure out how much they cost (if anything). because if they're free, that would be freaking AWESOME.

haha, i just went to look at the classes and found a noncredit intro to documentary filmmaking. I SIGNED UP HELL YEAH.

on another note. my rush process is going really well. i have 11 interviews done (12 after today). i don't have any scheduled for this weekend, but... we have a game and then i have to work :( BUT, i have gone to the two required gk meetings and the one service project that was required. i've finished about 1/4 of my interviews and have done all of my homework. it's the only class that i "strive for the highest in" (... :D) and actually try to be an overachiever. haha. last night we had class and i finished my quiz way before everyone else and did all of the extra credit and more. dillon finished like, five minutes after me and still finished way before everyone else. needless to say, nolan was feeling great. haha. t.j. didn't go because he had to work, and when he got off work and texted me, i didn't have my phone, so he went home. i'm sad about him not being a part of my process, but i'm trying to make the best of everything.

i've also been working almost 30 hours a week. it only sucks because i eat too much burger king now, and i'm afraid i'm going to get fat.

and on the fat note, i've been thinking a lot about drum corps! i really think i want to do it this year, either on cymbals or something else... hahaha. i'm going to start looking into it soon and looking to see when auditions are/if someone (nolan or t.j. or austin) will teach me either baritone or mellophone. i'm feeling only slightly bad about not doing winter drumline. i'll probably feel worse once the season starts though. hopefully it will all be worth it...

i think that's all for now. just updating on life i guess.

"so, this is my life. and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
the perks of being a wallflower.

this quote is so incredibly me right now.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

how has it been 8 days since i posted last?! jrgenkjrtnh i can't believe that :( oh well, i guess lately i've been going out and... living, rather than just writing about how i want to live.

philosophical. yes.

anyways, i've mostly just been super busy with school, marching band, work and kkpsi. school (some classes...) is going well, marching band... is mostly good, work is fine, and kkpsi... is the best thing :) remembering back to last year, kkpsi was really the only thing that ever made me happy (even though it stressed me out sometimes). this semester i'm telling myself that this is important, but that it's completely doable and attainable. and the reasons it made me stressed out last year were pretty stupid, and all in my mind. so far, i have not been stressed at all, and it's great.

well i mean, right before first degree, the actual degree and right after were stressful, but i know this is what's best for now.

i've finished nine interviews so far, i have three more this week and two more scheduled after that. to finish half of them by 2nd degree (halloween), all i need to do is finish seven more interviews (after the ones i have scheduled). i've been doing all the homework way beforehand and studying every week. i'm to the point where i'm at the same level as everyone else because i haven't taken the next quiz yet. i'm really enjoying everything :D

here are some recent pictures i took for photography:













i also just have to add how much i love my friends. last week was not one of my finest, but so many people were there to listen to me and make me feel better: brandon, trey, randy, jane, tj, theresa, jenna and dillon. this weekend was possibly one of the best weekends of the semester :D and i love surprise visits super late in the morning! just saying :D






"i love. i have loved. i will love."
-i capture the castle (movie).

one of my favorite quotes.

Monday, October 4, 2010

motivation.

i'm surprised at how much motivation i am lacking in school. up until about last week i had all the motivation in the world (for art and photography at least). i have an essay due tomorrow in psychology and i haven't started it at all and i'm really contemplating whether or not i'll even do it. on wednesday we have a midterm and none of it is multiple choice.

needless to say, i'm having a rough time. psychology of women and cis 120 will be the death of me. all i want to do next semester is take band at nau and then digital and documentary photography next semester. i'll have to pay for my own health insurance, so i've been looking around online for student plans. if i only take two classes and band, i'll have more time to work and more time to take off of work. haha. i can focus a lot on trying to grow as a photographer.

yesss. that is my plan.

oh, and new plan as of last night: nolan is going to teach me baritone and i might try out for academy :) haha, jeffrey told me i should do it and i really don't think i'll be able to make cymbals. apparently baritone will probably be the easiest for me to pick up quick. and nolan happens to play baritone and played baritone for academy this past summer... yeah. so there. haha. new plans! and something else to focus on besides drumline.

i know i'm really going to miss drumline, but i think it'll be good for me to focus on other things. drumline is so limiting because you can't really do much else. so we'll see how the rest of this school year goes.

as for kkpsi, i was worried in the beginning, before first degree, that i was making the wrong decision by rushing again. but i'm really glad to say that i'm completely in love with my life right now (minus psy 236 and cis 120... haha. and i guess work too). i've been getting to bond more with nolan as a big, which i know will never be the same as what tj and i have, but i'm excited to see where the relationship takes us. whenever i'm with any group of kkpsi people i can't help but feel so incredibly welcomed and loved. i already have two interviews done and six scheduled for this week. i've been feeling less stressed out because of the whole interview aspect, but i have only interviewed people i know pretty well so far...

last night i went to the kkpsi meeting. i got my binder for this semester too! and i'm really happy with the time of our class because that means i'll at least get one night a week off now and i won't have to close five days in a row.





i put these on the side of my blog, but never officially posted them. the first picture is tj and me after first degree at peter piper. i was reeal sad the entire time we were there, but only because of the whole situation with tj... the second picture is... i don't even know. haha it looks to me like my grandbig and all of her littles and grandlittles, and then tj. he's just in the picture for no reason i think... then the last is at the makeup degree with my big sister, new big brother nolan, and my twin dillon. we're twins because we have exactly the same bigs.

anyways, yeaahhh. marching band time!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

money.money.money.

i haven't written in a week! what the heck?! usually i say, "it feels like i haven't written in forever" and it's really been like, two days, maybe three. haha, but i've been super busy this week!

i started working more hours. LOT'S of hours. monday was awesome though because jenna and dan, and then tj and nolan came to visit me! on tuesday i FINALLY got to talk to tj about some stuff and we got most of everything figured out. and he got me to go to the library two days in a row. haha. i had my first interview and i got bonding time with my sister and breakfast with brianna! today i have bonding time with my twin, an interview, hangout time with the beta kappas and their bigs and then pm class! finally :) hopefully i get a lot of interviews scheduled! i really need to!

anyways, i'm pretty happy with the way things turned out. i can't wait to see what the rest of the semester is like. and i can't wait until i finish all my interviews :) i have a feeling that i'll be super proud of myself.

on another note, i don't know if wgi is in the cards for me this year... i don't have the money and i would really like to save up. i'm in flagstaff which means i would have to take fewer classes, work more, and pay for my own health insurance... and i just don't know if it's possible. i can't imagine not doing drumline, but i think i may need to wait this out. plus, i have a shit ton of homework to do tomorrow and i won't have time if i drive all the way down to chandler, spend 7 hours at an audition and then drive back. i'll also have to spend about $100 of the check i just got yesterday and i don't think i'm down with that.

i think maybe my goal for this year will be to make drum corps. then i can focus on that rather than wgi. it'll be different. but... yeah.

i guess sometimes you have to sacrifice things. last semester it was kkpsi. i'm not dropping my process again. i want this too much.

so... looks like i've made up my mind. i won't be leaving tomorrow. i won't be spending a shit ton of money on fees and gas. and food too. i think i figured out that i would have needed to make $1000+ a week. or something like that... AND THAT'S FREAKING RIDICULOUS.

so yeah. saving money time! :(

Saturday, September 25, 2010

i've never held back tears as many times as i did tonight.

right as the bigs were pinning all the new perspective members i looked behind me at tj. we both smiled in the way that we knew we were both sad. nolan pinned me after that. nolan is my age and is someone who i could have gone through with last year if i hadn't declined the first time i got a bid. he's really good friends with tj.

i'm not really sure what's going on, but tj told me after we both left tonight that there was another change of plans and that he would explain later. i talked to stephanie (nolan's girlfriend) after i got home and she said that nolan had said he was planning on everything being normal with us.

i don't know what's going on. all i know is i have to start setting up interviews.

and i'm getting sicker.

and i really miss tj :(

tonight.

tonight is first degree.

i have no idea what to expect. i said this last time, and like last time, i am excited.

i feel like somewhat of a traitor to tj and the beta lambdas, but i know they all support me in everything i do.

i get a new big tonight... i'm both nervous and excited to find out. tj will always be my big though. he'll always be my most favorite person :)

now i just have to wait... three hours and counting.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

a step in the right direction.

i haven't written a blog in a while, but i wanted to come on and say that i feel like my life is headed in the correct direction. i'm really with all of my decisions lately :) i might be saying different next week after first degree... but as for now i'm happy. i can't wait until the end of this semester and then for next semester.

:D

i'm still waiting to find out who my big will be this time though... i'm wishing and wishing that it's tj.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

?

i'm in a weird mood right now. and i guess i'm really just questioning society at this point.

a few minutes ago i got a call from the vp of kkpsi. he asked me if i was interested in rushing, i said yes. he then told me that tj can't be my big brother.

mind. fucked.

i didn't even know what to say. it got really awkward and me just kind of being like, "nknkhjthjsnkb."

needless to say, i have no idea what to do anymore.

who/what creates these rules that say only active members of the fraternity can be bigs? who even came up with active verses conditional? WHO EVEN MADE UP DAMN FRATERNITIES?!?!

this is why i'm questioning society and all of the rules that have been created. it's so weird to me.

i don't even want to go into detail because my thoughts aren't even forming words.

i just... don't know. i don't know anymore.

i don't want another big.

i know that's not what rushing is about, and the vp, ruben, told me that. he said that if i'm serious about being in the fraternity it shouldn't matter. and really it shouldn't. tj will always be my friend and i can always still hang out with him.

but it does matter. it matters to me. being in this particular fraternity shouldn't be about the social aspect, but that's a huge part of it. there are only so many service events to take your mind off of the social aspects.

i only want tj as a big. no one else. i don't even know who else they could give me because they're not supposed to give you someone you already know, and i know a lot of people.

lhnrjsnhjknthdn,mhh. i'm so confused right now :(

tonight :D

i'm totally procrastinating on that other blog that i keep saying that i'm working on, and i promise, i am!!! but yeah anyways, tonight has been quite the night. sorry for the oh so depressing blog last night, that was me being sad for my lack of plans. but tonight toootally makes up for it. all i can really say is that tonight consisted of matching old people shirts made by me (hopefully i'll get a picture soon) for brandon and i, drumline party, cars getting towed, girls telling brandon they only came to the drumline party for him and that they better get something out of it (okay only one girl), girl getting mad when he turned her down, walking about a mile to get to some circus party, getting to said circus party, leaving five minutes later and walking home, tents, pizza, clinton throwing up on our little porch (multiple times), me hiding out in my room while said throwing up happens, coming out when i think he's done only for him to start again.

but yeah, it was still fun :) i love my friends. i really really do. even if they throw up multiple times at my house, of all places.

Friday, September 17, 2010

i've been working on a blog for a few days now, about my first photography assignment. i still haven't finished it, but i really wanted to write something else.

i'm incredibly... sad right now. i don't think people understand how sensitive i can really be. most of the time i play things off like it's no big deal to me, but really it hurts so bad. tonight i had to work during a rush event for kkpsi. it was suppose to last until 10pm. every weekend i struggle to make plans. for some people it's easy, they just call whoever up and go party with them. for me... i only do things if i'm invited to do them, mostly because when i do ask people if they want to do something they shoot me down because they already have plans. i'm friends with a lot of people up here, but i'm usually an after thought when inviting people over. because of this, and years of this, i hardly ever do things on fridays nights, which is why i was super excited to have plans tonight. i was going to see all of my friends and get all dressed up for the formal rush event. i rushed home from work only to get in my car to leave and get a text from jane saying it was canceled... i almost started crying. i came back inside and texted tj saying that now i have no plans. no text back.

i love flagstaff, but i guess i can't always hide from loneliness, can i?

i hate tonight.

i hate that i feel like this. i hate that i almost wish i was still at work, just to have an excuse for not doing anything. i hate that i'm too shy to text someone right now to see if they too have no plans. i hate that i never make plans and expect other people to make them for me.

i'm trying so hard to stay positive about everything going on in my life right now. i could be in chandler, still hanging out with no one. i could not have just gotten my paycheck (ONLY $49.75 WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!), i could have no friends and no plans.

ejngkjnhjknrth. i guess life isn't always perfect. i just feel like maybe i'm not living it to the complete fullest.

oh, i decided to rush for kkpsi again. i'm not sure why but part of me is saying, "no don't do it!" and the other half is saying, "why wouldn't you do it?" i think i'm just worried about time and not having any of it. i'm guessing i'll probably have things to do on the weekends though... that's not my reason though. haha.

anyways. enkjnhd. tonight sucks. this weekend will probably suck do to the amount of homework i have. and cis 120 sucks because i'm WAY behind and can't drop without losing the money for the class and without losing my health insurance... SUCKVILLE.

sorry for this rant. i really needed it though.

jrngkjtnhjdnh.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

twenty.

1. move to flagstaff.
2. make a world line on cymbals.
3. dye my hair.
4. change my style.
5. eat healthy on a regular basis.
6. get another tattoo.
7. get a bike. ride it everyday.
8. make drum corps.
9. choose a career.
10. get another piercing.
11. send a secret to postsecret.
12. take a road trip to california.
13. make new friends.

14. go on a cruise.
15. get a job.
16. work as a photographer.
17. read at least 10 books.
18. get a gym membership.
19. go to the grand canyon for the first time.
20. play cymbals for nau's marching band.

these are all of the things on my 20 before 20 list that i've accomplished :D i haven't really been thinking extensively about my list, but it has been in the back of my head lately. when i made this list, i think i was just making it to make it. i didn't think about it for very long and pretty much immediately after posting it had to edit and revise. well, today i've been thinking a lot about it (because i don't want to do homework...) and i again want to change a few things... haha. at first i didn't want to because i thought i would be breaking some rule or something, but it's my list, so i can do with it what i want! so, here is my edited list:

1. move to flagstaff.
2. make a world line on cymbals.
3. dye my hair.
4. try geocaching.
5. eat healthier.
6. get another tattoo.
7. get a bike.
8. make drum corps.
9. choose a career.
10. get another piercing.
11. send a secret to postsecret.
12. take a road trip to california.
13. make new friends.
14. get at least all b's in my classes at ccc.
15. get a job.
16. work as a photographer.
17. read at least 10 books.
18. take a walk with my camera at least once a week.
19. think positively for all things negative that come into my life.
20. play cymbals for nau's marching band.

so yeah. there you (and i) have it! my new goals. i have so far accomplished 7/20 things and i'm loving my life so far.

ps. i have a pretty substantial post coming soon, and it's been taking me FOREVER. i haaaate the stupid picture uploader thing on here. most of the time it doesn't work for me! GRR. it makes me mad. haha, but... it give me more time to think about what i really want to say in the post. haha POSITIVE!

Monday, September 13, 2010

busybusybusy.

one: i love my life.
two: i love my friends.
three: i love my instrument.
four: i kind of hate my job.
five: i need to get another job. i can't afford anything right now and i don't get enough hours.
six: i love my roommates.
seven: i miss my family.
eight: i like all of my classes except cis 120. i still need to buy the books.
nine: i'm not procrastinating as much as normal, but i need to procrastinate less.
ten: i might rush kkpsi again.
eleven: i love my major.
twelve: i'm not sure why i'm doing this in list format.

but i like it.

anyways, i've been pretty busy lately. my room is a mess. my second roommate moved in. i played at the nau asu football game. i had my first audition for mosaic. i learned a lot. i woke up at 3am. i did homework until 5am. i drove until 8am. my 8:30am class was canceled. i found a ton of free books in front of someone's house on my street. i went to marching band and had the best epiphany for the best visual :D i went to lunch with brandon and spencer. i accidently went to work. i took pictures. i wrote this blog.

i'm already behind... but i plan on changing that this week. as for next week... i'm not sure yet. but i do know that i pretty much love my life right now :)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

always learning.

i haven't blogged in a while, and i don't really have much to write about. but i would like to say that i am so incredibly thankful to be where i am. over the summer i was kind of experiencing the whole, want what you don't/can't have thing. so when i decided to go back to flagstaff i had this secret fear that i would completely hate it when i got back and that it would have all been for nothing. but since being back i haven't regretted anything. i feel so happy about 95% of the time, it's crazy. i've gotten to see all of my friends from last year, i've even made some new ones. i miss my friends from chandler, but i know who means the most to me.

i'm constantly learning who my true friends are. i've posted so many times in the past about how i've seen the light and know who my friends are now. but really, i learn everyday who in my life deserves to be there. and some days some people are in my life, and some days they aren't. i was also afraid to come up here because i knew this semester wouldn't be like last year. and i was right. this semester is nothing like my first semester at nau, it's better. i'm still learning new things everyday and i feel happier all the time. i have some amazing people in my life who would do anything for me - and have.

i'm thankful for a lot of people but i'm mostly thankful for tj. i've never had anyone quite like him in my life. he's the big brother i never had and always wanted, even to this day when he technically isn't my "big brother." i don't get to see him everyday, but the days i do see him are some of my happiest. he's let me vent, he's sat with me in the library and study rooms while i did my homework, just to make sure i got it done, he's given me a shoulder to fall asleep on, he's stood up for me, he's paid for countless meals, he's bought be groceries when i didn't have money, he's given me rides when i had no idea where i was going, he's texted me just to tell me he misses me, he's laughed at all of my jokes, he's cheated for me because he knows i'm not good at sports and most games, he's always there for me and most of all, he's made me feel so loved. i can't lie and say he had nothing to do with me coming back up here... not everything to do with it, but a little bit :)

i've also found new friends in people who i knew last year but wasn't friends with. most of which are in kkpsi. it's amazing the love some of them have shown me. and i've had so many people tell me how happy they are that i came back... i never really got that when i came back to chandler, at least not to the extent i got it here. not that like... that's what i wanted or anything, it's just nice to hear people sincerely tell you that they love you and are happy i'm here... :)

i got on the subject of rushing for kkpsi again with jane. it's that time of year again and bids will be handed out in a few weeks. i'm not really sure if at this point i'm wanted to do it again for the people or for the actual fraternity. at this point, i know that i like the idea of brotherhood and service for the band, but i'm not sure what i'd be doing it for. and at this point i know that there's a ton of drama that goes on on the inside that i don't want to necessarily be a part of. but i know for most people that the drama is worth it. i also feel like i would be betraying the beta lambdas and tj. haha, i know they would rather me be in kkpsi than not, but i also feel like i don't want to be in another class and i don't want another big. both which would probably have to happen. i'm not going to think about until i get a bid (if i do get a bid). hopefully i'll do whatever is best for me.

anyways, i guess i said more than i thought in this post :) i guess i also have a few exciting things coming up. this weekend is the asu nau game and i'm the only cymbal who gets to go (woo section leader privileges :D). afterwards we have the asunau drumline party (pronounced by spencer as ass-you-now) in which i will be seeing devon and alan (hopefully... i invited them. haha). the next day i have auditions for mosaic indoor percussion! i'm not sure how i will do, but i'm hoping for a good outcome. haha, this is the first of two auditions, and i get to see a lot of old friends. and, it's at my old high school! so i get to stay at home maybe?! YES :D too bad monday isn't the day i have class at one :/ oh well!

Friday, September 3, 2010

"the eyes are blind to what the mind cannot see."

this is probably going to be a long post... BUT WHO CARES?!

so i guess if you read this regularly, you'll know that i just moved into my own house! well... i'm renting it and sharing it with two other people... but my own house! haha :) and i finally took some pictures sooo, duhduhduhduh! here they are:







cute, right?! i love it :)

on the first night here brandon and i stayed up for a while talking and watching funny youtube videos. not only was it fun, but he's really been making me think about life. we got on the topic of trying new things and how i don't normally do things outside of my comfort zone. he compared life to a book. every new experience we have is a new page in the book and the book is sooo long, but i'm stuck in the first few pages of my book. the front of my book is my comfort zone.

i feel like lately though i've been stepping out of my comfort zone. i could have stayed in chandler. i could have gone to mcc so i could live at home. i could have done a lot of things. but no, i'm in flagstaff. i'm at yet another new school. i'm taking classes that i've never taken before and loving them. i just moved into a house that i'm renting with two people i don't really know. i'm about to start a job that i absolutely don't want to do but will do anyways so i can pay my rent.

and still, in all of that change, i can feel my comfort zone around me. i can feel it closing in on me again. so, in an effort to release myself from my ever almighty comfort zone, i am going to try something new everyday. be it big or small, i'm going to try. yesterday i listened to the radio. small, yet something i never do. today i woke up early and went for a walk with my camera. i went up my street and then along the train tracks for about an hour. i took new pictures.








tomorrow? i have no idea what i'll do, but hopefully it will be significant. if not, there's always the next day :)

one of my favorite classes so far is my art appreciation class. and it's crazy because my favorite part is the reading.

"humans form art works, and then the art forms us... art forms us by telling us things, embellishing our lives, elevating our spirits, showing us who we are, waking us up to injustice, or just flooring us with beauty."

"science seeks answers to questions about the outer, physical world; these answers form the basis of our technology. the arts foster the development of our inner works - the intuitive, emotional, spiritual, and creative aspects of being human. reality is explained through the sciences and revealed through the arts. people need both science and art if they are to balance function with meaning."

"you can come back to where you started from with added experience and you hope more understanding. you leave and then return to the homeland of your imagination." - romare bearden.

"of all our planet's resources, the most precious is human awareness." - don fabun.

"the eyes are blind to what the mind cannot see."

"seeing is forgetting the name of the thing one sees." - Robert Irwin.

"ordinary things become extraordinary when seen without prejudgement."


i've been trying to figure out what to say for this post for the past few days. i really want to say so much about art but... i'm at a loss for my own words. besides what i write down about my life and stuff, words have never really come easily to me. i think that's why i love art so much because there's so much you can say without actually saying it out loud.

"i found that i could say things with colors and shapes that i couldn't say in any other way - things i had no words for." - georgia o'keeffe.

i think my next goal with photography is to start taking pictures with a purpose. take my favorite quotes and turn them into pictures.

:)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

moved in :D

i moved in!! WOO. i only have 10 minutes until my next class starts, but i felt the need to let everyone know. i still have so much i need to do (like set up all the utilities), and it feels like i have so little time to do it! today is nau's first football game of the season and the marching band has been working so hard the past week. not only did we learn all of pregame, but we learned our first show and all of our stand tunes. i really like the cymbal line and the rest of the battery this year. i loved them last year, but we seem to click even more this year.

anyways, i have a pretty awesome blog coming soon enough, probably tomorrow. i've been learning so much in all of my classes and it's only been 4 days! and i'm happy to say that i love all of my classes so far :) (except cis 120... i might drop that one...).

anyways! photography is next :D

pictures of the new house sooooon.

ps. i love my roommate. he's super cool and i hope that lucia is equally as awesome.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

move in day = TOMORROW!

i'm sitting here at ccc. it's weird because usually it takes me a while to get used to new places, but i already feel at home here... it's really awesome. i've only been to two classes so far, but the fact that everything is so easy to find and that the classes are so small is super awesome.

my first ever photography class starts in 53 minutes. i'm excited! i don't feel nervous at all, but who knows, i might once the class starts. i've known for a while now that this is what i want to do with my life, but all i've gone off of so far is the talent that i have. i have a nice camera and i really don't even know how to work it to it's full extent!! so, i'm excited to learn and become better and more professional in the photography world. i feel like this semester will either make or break me. i really don't want to take this class and then realize that photography isn't for me because at this point i have NO idea what else i would do with my life. so yeah... i'm being positive!! i need to get my iphoto fixed because i have NO idea what's wrong with it. maybe it's because i never do the updates that it tells me to do... but maybe it's just stupid, i don't know.

i should be reading right now. i can't believe i'm already slacking! kjnkhjntrjkhd.

i'm not sure what else to write. haha, i feel like i've been talking about the same things over and over again in my blog lately. i read a quote earlier in my art 100 class that i reeeally like, so i'll probably write a blog about it soon. i'm going to try not to just spill on every life detail. i think i might make myself a little journal to write in :)

OH. i can't wait to move in TOMORROW :) to have my own private space again!

Monday, August 30, 2010

yayayay.

yay! my first day of my sophomore year is complete! it was actually really awesome and i wasn't nervous at all which is awesome. i went to art appreciation this morning at 8:30!! aaaand i got everything having to do with my schedule all straitened out. i do still need to buy a parking pass and books, but i'll deal with that tomorrow. aaand tomorrow my first class isn't until ONE PM. YESYESYESYES. hahhaha. i'm excited. anyways, after marching band i went over to burger king and filled out paper work. let me tell you: i am finding another job. hahaha, but for now, i guess i'm just glad to have one... right? i'm not sure it'll be enough to support myself though... so yeahhh.

now i'm just sitting here. waiting for it to be tomorrow. haha.

oh, and i would like to talk about money. i pretty much have like, $20 in cash, $13 in my checking account and $15 in target gift cards. my grandparents set up this online chase thing where they can send me money online instead of in the mail. i just got it working, but told them that i'm going to get a new bank account once i get paid for the first time and then i got a call from my grandpa telling me to send him all of my info so he can start one for me... like, it's super nice, but it makes me feel weird! i don't know if that's natural... but i think it might be. i emailed my grandma saying i can open up my own account once i get paid... i don't know... it just feels weird to me and like i would forever be in debt to them, which i don't want to be.

anyways. that's my money situation. i bought $4.50 worth of food at target today. i'm almost out of bread so i'll have to get that soon. but i do have a TON of ramen.

AND ONLY TWO DAYS UNTIL I MOVE IN! it's actually more like one and a half now... but who's counting really?! hahaha. brandon and i already planned for wednesday after practice to move in. tomorrow all i have to do is call the utilities places and have it put in one of our names.

GETTING SHIT DONE.

that's what i'm doing :)

THIS WEEK!

today = first day of classes!!! i'm SO excited, it's crazy. i'm nervous... slightly. i'll probably be more nervous when i get to ccc and have no idea where to go or park. crap... i don't have a parking pass! haha. they don't sell them online though... so that's their bad.

anyways. i have art 100 today. ART APPRECIATION. haha :) afterwards i'll be straightening out the rest of my schedule, calling the bk lounge to see when i start working and going to my first official drumline and marching band class! WOO. i'm pretty ecstatic. only two more nights staying with emily and then i get to move into my house toooooooo. i know this is ALL i've been talking about lately, but it's rather exciting news.

it has been weird to not have a place of my own to come home to. emily's place is nice and her roommates are nice, but i feel awkward being here when they aren't... and when her roommates are here, but emily isn't. anyways. ONLY TWO MORE DAYS! when i move in i'll for sure take tons of pictures, i know i haven't posted any pictures in a long time. my iphoto is being dumb though and has been for like, a week now. so i might have to go into the apple store soon because i'm not sure what's wrong. ALSO, i start my first official photography class tomorrow! woooo. i know i've been a photography major for a year now... but taking an actual class just hasn't happened because all of the intro classes are dumb and everyone and their mothers like to take them. so yeah. i can't wait for that!

this week should be super exciting, first day of classes at a new school, a new year of marching band, a new house, a new roommate, a new job, and i get to see my family this weekend!

YESYESYESYES.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

band camp = over!

i'm still loving it here in flagstaff, but i'm already starting to feel some stress. things are slightly falling together, but i'm running out of money. i've been spending too much money on food and today i had to buy a new battery for my phone because it finally pooped out on me after dropping it in a puddle a few weeks ago. i also have to finish straightening out my schedule for this semester. i was going to go over to ccc to talk to them, but tj wants me to go to his play today, so i'm going to do that instead. i'll head over to ccc tomorrow morning and try to get everything straightened out.

i can't believe that classes start tomorrow at 8:30!! tlrnhjnhjth. i don't even know where they all are :/ oh well. and i should be starting work tomorrow... hopefully they'll call me soon because my phone is finally back on.

this week should be exciting though! four days until i get to move it :D

Thursday, August 26, 2010

WIFI!

YAYAYAYYAYAYAYYYAYAYAYAY! i have wifi :) i'm totally stealing it from someone, but i don't care! haha.

i really want to go to bed, but i need to do a few things before then, so this will probably be a quick post.

anyways, i am SO happy :) i have to admit, i had my doubts about coming back. i wasn't sure if anything would be the same and i was wondering if i would hate it and want to be in chandler again because usually i want what i don't have... haha. but i still love it here :D i've been going to band camp for the past three days and i'm happy to announce that nau's drumline is actually doing really well this summer :D 8 snares, 5 tenors, 6 basses and 6 cymbals. we started out with 7 cymbals, but one dropped today. BUT i'm happy because he totally and completely sucked. so... YEAH. i also met one of my roommates and he's suuuper cool. i really like him already. i'm sure it'll be awkward to live together at first... but... yeah, whatever. haha. he plays snare, so at least we have something in common, right? anyways, yeah. drumline's been awesome. today was high school stereotype day, so the drummers were the stoner kids. i didn't really doing anything, but seeing everyone act like they were high... was super funny. haha i love my section :) tomorrow i get to wear my fake beta lambda shorts because even though i'm technically not in kkpsi, i'll always be a part of our little group that went through last semester :)

so yeah... long story short, i'm happy here. i love that i left all of the drama in my life behind in chandler. i'm making new friends and also reconnecting with the old. jane is quickly becoming one of my best friends up here. i can't wait until school starts so i can see brianna, maggie and tj more!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:DD:D:D::D:D:D:D:D:DD:D::D:D:D:DD:DD:DDDDD

HAPPINESS! kejjrhrmnmgh.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

:)

i'm sitting behind the cline library again at nau. haha. i spent the night at maggie's house and she had to be up and gone pretty early, so i left a little before 7 with her. i accidently left my phone in her room and didn't feel like going to get it. only problem: i had plans this morning with some friends and now i'm relying on facebook and i just hope they check it right when they wake up.

anyways, i'm listening to mcm and getting really hyped and excited for nau drumline! :) we have a meeting at 11:30 that i'm waiting for. apparently we have 23 auditioning, which is the same amount as last year, so i'm pretty excited. aaaand, apparently there are two other people auditioning for cymbals with me!! i just hope they aren't better than me... haha i really want to be section leader again. to me that sounds super... conceded maybe? haha i don't know/care at this point. i have so many plans for the line this year that i didn't have last year. so yeah.

yesterday was my first official day back... ish. haha, i had an interview with cracker barrel that was honestly really weird and unorganized on their part. the manager was trying to find something for me to read and kept leaving for like 10 minutes at a time, coming back to tell me she was still looking for whatever she was looking for and leaving and then leaving again... another manager came up to me after an hour to tell me she got sidetracked doing something else and that he would leave my application on my desk and tell her to call me because apparently she liked me, she just had to do something else. so... i don't know what was going on with that.

afterwards i was kind of afraid i wouldn't have anywhere to go until maggie got home at 10:30, but i ended up hanging out with tj and then jane, austin, stephanie, dan, emily, and theresa. it was seriously so much fun :) we went to target to get me pink short shorts. hahaha, when i was rushing for kkpsi i was in the beta lambda class and our nickname for our class was the beta lambda "shawties." haha, so naturally we had to get short shorts. and since i'm not technically a beta lamnda, we thought it would be funny for me to get some and just write, "sam" on the butt but in the same format as their writing is. haha, i had to get a children's extra large, but they fit really well. aaand i left them at jane's! which is sad. i'm waiting for her to wake up so i can go get them.

i have $86 to last me until my first paycheck. i didn't want to spend it all on fast food and stuff like most people get during band camp, so i decided to go to walmart and buy bread and peanut butter so i can make sandwiches. i know it's going to get old pretty fast with eating just peanut butter sandwiches, but at this point, i can't really afford to do much more than that. hopefully my mom will buy me some food when she comes up here for labor day weekend.

anyways, this is pretty long... but i don't really have anything else to do right now besides sit here... i pretty much hate waiting for things like this! i just realized that i bought a huge thing of water from walmart and i totally have a big water bottle... dumb sam. oh well.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

to create is to destroy.



this is so perfect for what i'm trying to do with my life right now. i would have just reblogged it on tumbler, but i haven't really been using tumblr much these days (not that i've used it much ever...). anyways, yeah. i really like this and everything it stands for. i usually don't like trying new things because i'm so comfortable in what i know already. i think i've done the first three parts. i've done something, i've done nothing and i've made a mess (when do i not make messes?). i hope the rest comes soon. i can't wait for everything to start :D

what i'm looking forward to: nau marching band camp, sophomore year, starting a new job, moving into my house.

:D

Saturday, August 21, 2010

super long.

hmhmhmhmmm... it feels like i haven't blogged in forever, even though it's been like, a day and a half. hhaha. anywaysss. not a lot has happened besides helping my stepmom clean and hanging out with her friends from her 40s group. it was kind of boring but really interesting to see all of them and how different they are. there was personalities that ranged from christian girl who loves everything bling and has the biggest boobs i've ever seen and constantly needs attention to atheist, self proclaimed "crunchy" and very out there girl who barely remembered to put on underwear underneath her long flowy, flowery dress. there was a man who has lived in different countries for work and has been successful, but now works at the local walmart stocking shelves at night to support his daughter who he hasn't seen in a few months and won't see until christmas which totally depresses him. then there was the doctor and her husband who works in vegas. there was another girl who looks totally granola and vegan but ate lamb and facebooked while we sat there. then there was my stepmom, who in most groups is the crazy out there one but in this group seemed so normal. and then there was me. just kind of sitting there, observing, speaking when spoken to. it was... a fun night. haha. it kind of reminds me of my different groups of friends and how they all seem so eclectic compared to each other in my mind.

i've been thinking a lot about my future this summer, mostly because that's all i've really been able to do since nothing was happening. i made a lot of decisions this summer, and i've recently acted on a few of them. wednesday was my last day in chandler. i could have waited a bit longer, but i've really enjoyed these past few days in prescott with my stepmom. i used to see her every other weekend for years, so it's been nice to kind of catch up. it's sad though because i've realized that she doesn't really know me as well as i had hoped, but i guess that's kind of my fault for not showing her.

in the past three months since summer started my plans have changed pretty drastically. i came home for the summer thinking that that was it, i was home for good until i could afford to move out to an apartment in chandler. i figured i'd be living there for at least a few years. i started looking for a job so i could afford to visit flagstaff whenever i could. i didn't get a job though and i ended up sitting around because my family of friends started to fall apart. looking back now, we're all so different, even from this winter when we all clicked so well. we've all changed and it's not really a bad thing, but we grew apart and were trying to force ourselves together. i don't really believe that everything happens for a reason, but i don't think this summer was a bad thing. aaanyways, i mentioned the whole friend thing because my plans were to hang out with them everyday. our plans were to see each other all summer and then to go to school at mcc together. then each of us started realizing what we really wanted. i stopped being happy with the decision to stay home and dreamed about going back to nau. i wished that i could make it happen because i didn't want to stay in chandler, go to mcc, and do asu's marching band. it was never my plan and i couldn't understand how that had become what my life was going to be about. then my planned turned into mcc and asu marching band for one year and then back to flagstaff for my junior and senior year. i couldn't stand the thought of staying home though. i made it my goal to move out by second semester.

then one day, i think towards the end of june or early july, i had this realization. i can't stay here. i can't go to mcc. i can't do asu marching band. i can't live at home. it's not what i want, it's not what i ultimately planned my life out to be. this isn't who i want to become, someone who takes the easy way out because things got to hard in the beginning. maybe it's not financially responsible, but chandler has only brought me drama. all of my drama in flagstaff somehow stemmed around chandler, even when i wasn't realizing it.

in july i started researching, i had to figure out how to make my dreams a reality. for so long i never told anybody what i wanted. i've done this my whole life. when i was younger it seemed like every time i told somebody what i wanted to do, my dreams, these dreams never ended up as a reality. and then i'd be sad and then i'd finally be getting over it and then people would ask me about it, ask me how it went. and then i'd feel the pain all over again. so when i was younger i decided not to tell people what i wanted, that way i didn't have to feel the pain that much more. and honestly, last summer i didn't want to go to nau, which is why i told people i did. i wanted to go out of state, out of this life. i'm super lucky that i did go to nau because i absolutely love it there. maybe it's the whole, i want what i don't have thing, but 1st semester, when it was just me and nau, no drumline to go back and forth with, no kkpsi, nothing else, i was in love. in love with my life and in love with flagstaff and nau. 2nd semester did bring me a lot of good memories and friends that i would never take away, but if i had the chance, i might do that semester over again. and i would decide to stay there.

even though i had decided to go back to flagstaff, it still wasn't an actually reality for what seemed like forever. i took me until two weeks before school started to find some place to stay and a job. and before that, i really thought that i wouldn't be able to pull this off. i was waiting for everything to fall into place, and now... it has. i'm still looking for a better job, but for now i'm just happy i have somewhat of a backup. i know the first month will be hard and i'll have to rely on my parents to get me through it, but i'm SO excited to be back up there and even MORE excited for band camp to start :) i have so many ideas for this season and i'm just hoping i'll love it as much as last year.

as for second semester, i'm not really sure what's going to happen. i know i can't have a repeat of last semester, but i also know that i won't not be doing drumline. i know my mom and dad will probably tell me it's not a smart thing to do again financially because it totally took up every single dollar i had. i thought at first that maybe i would just move home, but i signed a nine month lease, so i pretty much have to stay until may. i might decide to take the semester off from school and work more to be able to afford it, but i'm not sure if an in state drumline is worth it. of course i'll be auditioning for the drumlines in state, but i feel like if i'm going to be going down to phoenix every weekend and spending every dollar i have, i might as well go out of state. i know this doesn't make sense because of the lease thing, but i guess i'd have to figure out if i could just find my roommates another roommate. because if i'm going to move out, i might as well go somewhere i've always wanted to... which obviously isn't phoenix or any of it's surrounding cities.

i think i'm going to hold off on saying where i want to go, although i know a lot of people probably know, but this another one of those things that i want SOSOSOSO bad. and it wouldn't be like me to tell the world now, would it? ;) let's just say, i've been thinking about this nonstop for the longest time, and it's my goal to be on this drumline someday. i know i'll have to practice a LOT and work out a LOT and work on my performance a LOT. haha (LOT). anyways, it's totally my dream, and i have been hating this whole being on a different drumline every season thing. i know i should wait probably a year to audition, and money wise, i'll probably have to(and skill wise most likely... hahaha). but... yeah. i'm completely in love with everything about this drumline and i don't even know if i can make it and for so many reasons.

ANYWAYS. i think i'm done with this post, it's super long, super rambly, and i'm sure most people won't read all of it, and i wouldn't blame you because i wouldn't either. hahaha. (i'm more of a visual person, so i like blogs with tons of picture and totally don't read blogs with tons of writing, yet that's pretty much all my blog is).

when i write in parentheses i'm whispering it in my mind (just wanted to put that out there... :D)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

lamest day. ish.

so today... haha not worth it. i called cracker barrel on monday and got an interview and when i told her i didn't live in flagstaff yet she said it was totally fine and to just come in when i move here. i told her it would be as soon as possible, so i came up today. i stayed out super late with randy and trey last night and only got 4 hours of sleep because i thought i would need to go in around 2. i walked into cracker barrel at pretty much exactly 2 (she told me to come at 2...) and guess who wasn't there?! THE HIRING MANAGER WHO TOLD ME TO COME IN WHEN I MOVE UP AROUND 2PM ON WHATEVER DAY THAT HAPPENED TO BE. i guess it's my fault for not calling and actually telling her the exact day i would be coming, but apparently she just decided to go out of town until sunday. the trip wasn't a total bust because i got to hangout with tj for a bit.

it just kind of sucks because the only people i got to say by to were trey, randy and my sister. i guess i'll see everyone soon enough, but it's dumb that i could have waited a few more days...

anywayyyss....

yeah. not sure what else to say besides when i was driving from flag to prescott i couldn't help but smile the whole way. i can't wait for tuesday :DDD

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

packing.

happy birthday to my sister jamie! finally a teenager! haha :)

aaanyways. today has been filled with TONS of packing. my floor is visible!!! i can't believe how real everything is feeling right now :) i pretty much need to leave tomorrow and stay with my dad and stepmom in prescott until band camp starts next tuesday. i'm so excited for everything and to actually have a FOR REALZIE job lined up! haha, it wasn't what i expected, and if my interview with cracker barrel goes well tomorrow i'll for sure take that over burger king :/ oh well, at this point a job is a job! and i'm going to need money to pay for my rent and food. i have like, $70 now from my dad, and i don't think that will last me until my first paycheck... aaanyways, yeah.

bloopppp. i don't know what else to say! haha :)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

"i love. i have loved. i will love."

packing sucks. just thought i'd put that out there. i've been avoiding it for the past two days by watching movies through my netflix two week free trial. haha. i got it two days ago and seriously sat in bed ALL day watching different movies. i watched one really bad one, but all the rest were awesome. i realized by looking through all of the movies they have that i haven't really seen good, classic movies. haha, i don't really care, but it's cool to have seen some of them now. this morning i watched a movie right when i got up. it's not really a classic, or even that great, but one of those movies that just makes you think a lot.

one of my favorites that i've watched though in the past two days was i capture the castle. it's based off the book by dodie smith. i read it a few years ago and it's one of my favorites! i didn't even know that there was a movie. a lot of times i don't like movie adaptations of books, but i reeeally loved this one because it totally stayed true to the book. "i love. i have loved. i will love." these were the last words of the movie, although slightly different from the book, i actually really love this quote. really, they're perfect words. i love right now. i love my family, i love my friends, i love most parts of my life and what i'm choosing to do with it. i have loved. i have loved people, i have loved things, and i've loved my life. things change though, and that's okay. it's okay to not love something that you once loved. and i will love. i will love so many things that i don't right now and things and people i don't even know exist yet.

just thought i'd take a break from packing. my room is slowly but surely becoming less of a mess. it's still super bad now. i drove around with my brother yesterday looking for boxes. i brought a ton home and now just have to fill them. ughhh wish me luck. as much as i want to get out of here is as much as i hate packing. haha. why can't it pack itself?!?!

Monday, August 16, 2010

:D

YAYAYAYAY! hnkjrtdh. i'm SO excited. like, seriously, i've never been this excited! i have an interview with cracker barrel for whenever i move up there! the manager was so understanding of everything and told me just to come in whenever i move up and she'll interview me. so this pretty much means i have to move up there FAST. i haven't even started packing AT ALL! BUT ALSO, i found a place to stay for band camp and until the 1st! i had originally asked someone who had told me so many times before that if i did need a place she would let me stay with her, but i haven't heard back from her since thursday, so i decided it was time to keep looking. thankfully one of my friends named emily is going to take me in!

anyways, it's time to start packing! i just drove around trying to find boxes and it took me a while, but i succeeded! and now i'm super tired, so i might actually take a nap...

whatever. I'M JUST SO EXCITED!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

dad.

i know i just posted a blog, but as soon as i finished i went on facebook and saw this. i watched it.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=455621345922

i wish i had a dad like all the dad's in this... someone who i would be head over heals excited to see after not seeing for a while. someone i could run to and jump into his arms for the biggest, longest, most heartfelt hug.

if only, if only.

healthy.nau.cymbals. :)

why is it so incredibly hard to stay healthy in this house? i swear, all we have is processed, super unhealthy food. i know this food is for my brother and sister, both of which of a super high metabolism and are so skinny. but when you have a mom like mine who hates to go grocery shopping the healthy food is eaten up quickly, which leaves all of the bad things for me to eat when i get hungry. i hate the feeling after eating something like this, it's just so horrible.

i can't wait until i move up to flag (nine-ish days!!!) so i can buy my own food and keep healthy things around my house! no more processed food!! i plan to cook a lot and snack on healthy things like fruits and vegetables rather than snack size sausage biscuits (they aren't even that good!). i've gained like, ten pounds since coming home and i DON'T like it AT all. i love my curves, and actually wouldn't mind weighing this much, but a lot of my clothes don't fit me anymore and that really bothers me! i would love to be at a size 8 again. i felt so good at that size and most of my jeans are that size... so yeah, it just makes sense :) size 10 isn't bad... but yeah, that just isn't what size the clothes i own are! haha. but i also just feel better when i eat healthier! i guess that's probably a given, but after you are healthy for a while you tend to forget (at least i do...).

i have ten days until band camp starts and i CAN'T WAIT!!! i can't wait to be active again! regkjhnt. i have sooo many plans for band camp and the cymbal line for this year. i absolutely loved my cymbal line from last year, but i don't think any of them are coming back! boo! it's kind of an odd situation because the cymbal line (with the exception of me) is the only section where pretty much everyone has to learn a new instrument (at least at nau). i mean, cymbals aren't really that hard to learn, but it's hard to master it and really be graceful but intense. most people are awkward and dirty when they first start, so hopefully i'll prove myself to be a better teacher this year (if i get the chance again!). last year was such an unexpected but pleasant surprise to be able to teach the cymbal line at nau. i guess it's not really a secret, but nau isn't really known for having an awesome drumline. haha, but i didn't expect to be the head of the line in my first year. i had no idea what i was doing because i had never taught an entire section before, just a few random people at random times. but this year i have a game plan! i also have more experience in playing! in having to teach last year i also really had to separate my mind from what i was playing... i'm not sure if that makes any sense at all, but it was really hard for me to teach what i was doing because it was so natural for me. i had been doing the same moves over and over again that i couldn't really explain how i was doing it. if the other players couldn't just do it by watching me, i would have the hardest time explaining it to them. so i really had to sit there and think about how i was doing things and pretty much reteach my brain how to play. haha, so i guess i wasn't separating, but connecting my mind to my playing!

anyways, i'm excited! i didn't really take many pictures of the line last year, but i plan on changing that for this year! WOO :)

nau cymbals 2010! I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE HERE!!!

Friday, August 13, 2010

good days.

today... was such an awesome day :) first off... I SIGNED THE LEASE TO MY NEW HOUSE!!! i blogged about it last night, but it's such a super awesome thing!!! i was shaking as i signed the lease! haha.

after i did that i got in my car and tried to find cracker barrel. i saw online that they were hiring so i wanted to head there first. aaannddd... i got lost. i ended up on the freeway not knowing where i was. i made it back into town and decided to try again and... did the same exact thing. :/ i was very discouraged, but trey texted me and that totally made me feel better :) i decided to go to the mall and see if anywhere was hiring there, but i had no luck. just as i was feeling the urge to give up, tj asked if i wanted to get lunch. i knew i needed to focus on looking for a job, but i couldn't help but say yes. it was awesome though because he took me to a few places after lunch (including cracker barrel, haha). while we were on our way there, burger king called me! haha, i applied a few weeks ago online thinking nothing would come of it, like all online applications. anyways, they asked if i could come in for an interview 30 minutes from then, so i did! burger king isn't really my ideal place to work, but it's honestly better than nothing and will pay for an apartment! after that i applied to a few more places and was given an r&b cd by this kid standing outside of peter piper. he wanted me to listen to it and text the number on the cd with my feedback. haha. i listened to it for a bit... it was... all right. hahahaha. anyways, i brought my application to cracker barrel and the manager told me to call her on monday! which is super exciting because i would MUCH rather work there than burger king...

BUT, it was still an awesome day, minus like, 30 minutes when i was lost. haha.

i can't wait to be in flag :DDDDD

Thursday, August 12, 2010

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:DDDDDD

TOMORROW! i'm signing the lease to my hooooouuuuuuuuussssssseeeeeeeee. AH. it's SO cute. and toootally the least expensive thing i've found that's not in flagstaff's worst neighborhoods! i found it on craigslist (and it's not a scam!) and it's only $1150 a month. it's super small, but has three bedrooms and one bathroom! woo. and it's only 1.9 miles from campus! it's right next to the train, which some people might find annoying but i think is so totally amazing :) i can't wait to just watch for it and take pictures of it. the yard is super small which awesome because then i won't really have to do much with it and it has these amazing flowers that look like sunflowers but smaller... i can't remember what they're called right now. ANYWAYS, i can pretty much guarantee that there will always be flowers fresh flowers on the counter. yeahyeahyeahhhh. i can't wait. the kitchen has cute yellow walls that will just match so perfectly :)

so tomorrow i'm going back up to flag (i'm in prescott right now) to pay the holding fee, sign the lease, and LOOK FOR A JOB! i'm meeting the lady at starbucks to sign the lease so i'll probably just park there and walk around to the surrounding places. if i don't find anything there then i'll go to the mall area. seriously, i'm not going to stop until i get me a job.

i also need to find someone to stay with for like, 8 days. which... is not too long, but kind of. the first five days will be during band camp and then hopefully after that i won't have to bug whoever i'm staying with too much because of school and work (fingers crossed). my parents will have to help me pay for the deposit and first month of rent, so i would really like to pay them back for that as soon as possible and start working as soon as possible.

so yeah... exciting exciting stuff! jhnjknrh. i cannot wait at all to get back up there and get home to start packing. and then i can't wait for BAND CAMP! AH! it starts sooo soon. i have 12 days! so i guess i'll have to pack all my stuff but then have like, 8 days or so worth of things to hold me off until i can get my stuff up here. i guess the move in date is a little obnoxious because it's on the wednesday after school starts... but whatever. haha,

I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

facebook.

it's funny to me how important facebook has become in the lives of everyone around me. i've been trying not to focus on it so much. it's not the first thing i check every morning. i don't tell it and everyone on it everything i'm doing. i keep people updated on some issues, but i haven't been updating as regular as usual, and i don't sit there and look through my wall to see what everyone is saying. my mom will sit there and ask me, "did you see my status? did you see what scott posted? did you see what tina said on my status?" and usually my answer is, "no." and oddly, she usually seems slightly disappointed. i've been focusing on other things. so the fact that so much drama has happened over facebook in past couple days, it just makes me really question what the lives of the ones around me has really come to. just because you deleted me off of facebook doesn't mean anything. i haven't changed, i'm not disappointed in myself. but yes, i am disappointed in the fact that has become such a huge thing to these people that deleting someone off of facebook equals deleting them out of your life. and honestly, the whole situation is dumb because i can't get away from it. i can't just leave and forget about it because these people are almost family to me.

but honestly, i don't care. i'll be gone soon and i don't want to take any of this with me. hopefully when i'm there i won't have time to get on facebook, and i can't wait until that happens.

i've lost so much respect for the people that are involved in this. last night i felt bad, but now i can see that i did nothing wrong. all i did was try to help and none of that was seen or recognized by the two people who need it most. it's maddening to see people who are so off base from reality. so i'm not going to do anything anymore. i will live and let live. and i'll help people who want my help instead of wasting hours on a note to someone who doesn't even care. i deserve more than that. i'm worth more than that, and i'm moving onto bigger and better things. facebook and people who care about nothing else mean little to me now.

that... is all.

"remarkable people are all minorities in a world of average living."

if you don't know my best friend, you're seriously missing out. she inspires me everyday by the little things she does, but today i've really just started to understand how much she's really done for me. we talk all the time about happiness and what it takes to achieve it. we talk about our futures, but mostly about the present, because after all, it's called the present for a reason. and lately we've both began to realize what a gift right now is. anyways, i just read this http://blackandbows.blogspot.com/2010/08/rules-and-goals.html from her blog and i am SO inspired by her list of goals. so, because i'm feeling so inspired right now, i'm making my own list of goals. and because in two weeks time i need to be moving, i decided to make a list specifically for this time:

1. clean my room - my room is a disaster right now. there are clothes all over the floor, projects that i've completed and some that i've only started scattered everywhere, and stuff that i just haven't unpacked from when i moved back home. i need to get rid of probably close to half of my clothes because i honestly don't need or like any of them!

2. clean my car - my car is unfortunately in the same condition as my room, and just as bad.

3. go back to flag - i need to visit flagstaff one last time to really get things going. my dad said he might be able to go with me this thursday. i have two places i want to look at, an apartment and a townhome, the apartment being slightly more expensive than the townhome.

4. get a job - i certainly need one.

5. pack all of my stuff - aaaand...

6. move to flagstaff!!!! - could you believe i had four people ask to be my roommate today? i could only say yes to one :/ i kind of feel awful. anyways, this needs to happen!!!

7. stop obsessing over things and people that don't matter - realize who matters to me the most. and realize who is worth my time and advice.

8. be more compassionate - the biggest (next to getting an apartment and job... hahaha). love people for who they are. help everyone who needs your help. know that it's okay to be compassionate for people you don't really care for. it's different. but most importantly, just love. love others and love yourself. i know maybe tonight i haven't shown complete compassion for everyone, but i'm trying to change that. i honestly feel bad about the drama that has gone on tonight, and in all honesty i would take back some words if i had the opportunity to. with that said, i can't and will take this as a life lesson, and hope that all involved will too.

9. be remarkable

i'm so excited about everything that's going on in my life. i'm moving on and out of this city. chandler has done a lot for me throughout my life, and even when i thought it couldn't bring me much else, it did. i've gained the bestest friend i could ever ask for and i've learned a lot about life. i've truly been inspired this summer to live my life to the fullest and never do what makes me unhappy. i know that probably isn't possible, to never have to do something that will make me unhappy, but if i set that as my goal, even if i don't achieve it, i'll be so much better off. i might be making a dumb decision by moving out when i don't have a job or money, but i'm going to make it work, and i'm going to be happy.

for as many life lessons i've learned in chandler, i have also had bad experiences. this city has had so much drama for me, and thinking about the drama that happened it flagstaff for me, all of it stemmed back to chandler. mike: from chandler, ex girlfriend who he wasn't over lived in chandler and was best friends with my ex best friend. stress from second semester: caused from me going home way too much and not focusing on school.

so, chandler, i will miss you for the lessons i've learned and for the family and friends i will be leaving behind. but i will take all of this with me when i leave here, i will take all of it with me in spirit.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

kjerngkjn.

i write too much in this blog. haha, WHATEVS.

i feel like today is the first day i've actually made progress. even though i'm really not closer to having an apartment or a job yet... it took me until today to really figure out what i needed to do to come closer. i'm changing my schedule to get a job so i can pay for an apartment, i found the rooms & shares part of craigslist that shows people who have apartments and are looking for roommates. i emailed a few, some who are looking for one roommate and some who are looking for two. i really want to make it work with lucia (the roommate i'm trying to work with now...), but if worst comes to worst, i'll find someone else and help her find someone else too. i just emailed one girl with a ton of information about a room that's only $385 a month... which sounds really awesome to me. she posted the ad a few days ago, so hopefully she'll respond.

i feel like i have to get all of this squared away today other wise i won't have a place to live. rgkjesnht.

and now i'm looking for a three bedroom. spencer had a friend looking for a roommate, so i am now taking on another roommate! nrgkjen. i'm actually kind of excited because he's also doing marching band and he's not just some random person. but... i've called a few places and so far none of them have 3 bedrooms.

I WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN. IWILL.IWILL.IWILL.

everything is falling... apart.

sooo... serngjksnht. i posted yesterday about how everything was falling in place. and now it's falling so terribly out of place.

i didn't get the job because i'm not available at the right times. i tried to switch around my schedule and now i have an online class and an 8:30 class. i thought i switched a different one... but i didn't so i also have a night class two nights a week and a mid afternoon class. so it doesn't help me AT ALL for the job because i need to be open 2-9pm on week days and i'm not. i thought i was opening that up, but it didn't at all. so now i'm trying to add a psychology class that's in the morning and take that instead of drawing 1 so that i only have one mid afternoon class on tuesdays and thursday and hopefully will be able to get a job for monday wednesday and friday. if not, at least i'll be available for other jobs.

now their website is taking freaking forever and no one at ccc will answer my calls and when they do they don't know how to help me. how hard is it to tell someone how to prove they have an ap credit from high school? i asked if i could just send in my high transcripts and she said yes, then i called back to see if i could do my nau transcripts because it says i have that credit on there. then she said oh wait, i miss informed you about the high school transcripts, you can't send those in, but you can send in your sat scores... no lady, i want to send you my nau transcripts. so then she transfers me and then that line doesn't answer... THIS ISN'T THAT HARD WHAT THE EFF.

now i'm looking for another apartment and i only have TWO WEEKS until band camp starts and i need to be living in flagstaff.

ejrngkjnhkjnrht.
i was about to go to bed when i decided to cut my bangs. haha, BUT, I LOVE THEM. they're pretty much what i've ALWAYS wanted from bangs. i've been working my way slowly towards by cutting little by little and tonight i just decided to go for it and take the extra inch off that i needed for them to be perfeeect. i never thought i could pull them off, and maybe i don't... but i don't care! haha. so then i wanted to take pictures and i decided i was bored of the effects i have on my photobooth. i downloaded a ton a long time ago, but i was bored with them. so i googled photobooth effects and found this!! i downloaded the q@mera and dotmatrix (free versions). i thought it wouldn't save the pictures (i found out it does, but in your finder so you have to search for them. haha), so i screen shotted them (and thought i was being super clever...). anyways. i took TONS of pictures and wanted to share :)