Saturday, August 21, 2010

super long.

hmhmhmhmmm... it feels like i haven't blogged in forever, even though it's been like, a day and a half. hhaha. anywaysss. not a lot has happened besides helping my stepmom clean and hanging out with her friends from her 40s group. it was kind of boring but really interesting to see all of them and how different they are. there was personalities that ranged from christian girl who loves everything bling and has the biggest boobs i've ever seen and constantly needs attention to atheist, self proclaimed "crunchy" and very out there girl who barely remembered to put on underwear underneath her long flowy, flowery dress. there was a man who has lived in different countries for work and has been successful, but now works at the local walmart stocking shelves at night to support his daughter who he hasn't seen in a few months and won't see until christmas which totally depresses him. then there was the doctor and her husband who works in vegas. there was another girl who looks totally granola and vegan but ate lamb and facebooked while we sat there. then there was my stepmom, who in most groups is the crazy out there one but in this group seemed so normal. and then there was me. just kind of sitting there, observing, speaking when spoken to. it was... a fun night. haha. it kind of reminds me of my different groups of friends and how they all seem so eclectic compared to each other in my mind.

i've been thinking a lot about my future this summer, mostly because that's all i've really been able to do since nothing was happening. i made a lot of decisions this summer, and i've recently acted on a few of them. wednesday was my last day in chandler. i could have waited a bit longer, but i've really enjoyed these past few days in prescott with my stepmom. i used to see her every other weekend for years, so it's been nice to kind of catch up. it's sad though because i've realized that she doesn't really know me as well as i had hoped, but i guess that's kind of my fault for not showing her.

in the past three months since summer started my plans have changed pretty drastically. i came home for the summer thinking that that was it, i was home for good until i could afford to move out to an apartment in chandler. i figured i'd be living there for at least a few years. i started looking for a job so i could afford to visit flagstaff whenever i could. i didn't get a job though and i ended up sitting around because my family of friends started to fall apart. looking back now, we're all so different, even from this winter when we all clicked so well. we've all changed and it's not really a bad thing, but we grew apart and were trying to force ourselves together. i don't really believe that everything happens for a reason, but i don't think this summer was a bad thing. aaanyways, i mentioned the whole friend thing because my plans were to hang out with them everyday. our plans were to see each other all summer and then to go to school at mcc together. then each of us started realizing what we really wanted. i stopped being happy with the decision to stay home and dreamed about going back to nau. i wished that i could make it happen because i didn't want to stay in chandler, go to mcc, and do asu's marching band. it was never my plan and i couldn't understand how that had become what my life was going to be about. then my planned turned into mcc and asu marching band for one year and then back to flagstaff for my junior and senior year. i couldn't stand the thought of staying home though. i made it my goal to move out by second semester.

then one day, i think towards the end of june or early july, i had this realization. i can't stay here. i can't go to mcc. i can't do asu marching band. i can't live at home. it's not what i want, it's not what i ultimately planned my life out to be. this isn't who i want to become, someone who takes the easy way out because things got to hard in the beginning. maybe it's not financially responsible, but chandler has only brought me drama. all of my drama in flagstaff somehow stemmed around chandler, even when i wasn't realizing it.

in july i started researching, i had to figure out how to make my dreams a reality. for so long i never told anybody what i wanted. i've done this my whole life. when i was younger it seemed like every time i told somebody what i wanted to do, my dreams, these dreams never ended up as a reality. and then i'd be sad and then i'd finally be getting over it and then people would ask me about it, ask me how it went. and then i'd feel the pain all over again. so when i was younger i decided not to tell people what i wanted, that way i didn't have to feel the pain that much more. and honestly, last summer i didn't want to go to nau, which is why i told people i did. i wanted to go out of state, out of this life. i'm super lucky that i did go to nau because i absolutely love it there. maybe it's the whole, i want what i don't have thing, but 1st semester, when it was just me and nau, no drumline to go back and forth with, no kkpsi, nothing else, i was in love. in love with my life and in love with flagstaff and nau. 2nd semester did bring me a lot of good memories and friends that i would never take away, but if i had the chance, i might do that semester over again. and i would decide to stay there.

even though i had decided to go back to flagstaff, it still wasn't an actually reality for what seemed like forever. i took me until two weeks before school started to find some place to stay and a job. and before that, i really thought that i wouldn't be able to pull this off. i was waiting for everything to fall into place, and now... it has. i'm still looking for a better job, but for now i'm just happy i have somewhat of a backup. i know the first month will be hard and i'll have to rely on my parents to get me through it, but i'm SO excited to be back up there and even MORE excited for band camp to start :) i have so many ideas for this season and i'm just hoping i'll love it as much as last year.

as for second semester, i'm not really sure what's going to happen. i know i can't have a repeat of last semester, but i also know that i won't not be doing drumline. i know my mom and dad will probably tell me it's not a smart thing to do again financially because it totally took up every single dollar i had. i thought at first that maybe i would just move home, but i signed a nine month lease, so i pretty much have to stay until may. i might decide to take the semester off from school and work more to be able to afford it, but i'm not sure if an in state drumline is worth it. of course i'll be auditioning for the drumlines in state, but i feel like if i'm going to be going down to phoenix every weekend and spending every dollar i have, i might as well go out of state. i know this doesn't make sense because of the lease thing, but i guess i'd have to figure out if i could just find my roommates another roommate. because if i'm going to move out, i might as well go somewhere i've always wanted to... which obviously isn't phoenix or any of it's surrounding cities.

i think i'm going to hold off on saying where i want to go, although i know a lot of people probably know, but this another one of those things that i want SOSOSOSO bad. and it wouldn't be like me to tell the world now, would it? ;) let's just say, i've been thinking about this nonstop for the longest time, and it's my goal to be on this drumline someday. i know i'll have to practice a LOT and work out a LOT and work on my performance a LOT. haha (LOT). anyways, it's totally my dream, and i have been hating this whole being on a different drumline every season thing. i know i should wait probably a year to audition, and money wise, i'll probably have to(and skill wise most likely... hahaha). but... yeah. i'm completely in love with everything about this drumline and i don't even know if i can make it and for so many reasons.

ANYWAYS. i think i'm done with this post, it's super long, super rambly, and i'm sure most people won't read all of it, and i wouldn't blame you because i wouldn't either. hahaha. (i'm more of a visual person, so i like blogs with tons of picture and totally don't read blogs with tons of writing, yet that's pretty much all my blog is).

when i write in parentheses i'm whispering it in my mind (just wanted to put that out there... :D)

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