Saturday, September 25, 2010

i've never held back tears as many times as i did tonight.

right as the bigs were pinning all the new perspective members i looked behind me at tj. we both smiled in the way that we knew we were both sad. nolan pinned me after that. nolan is my age and is someone who i could have gone through with last year if i hadn't declined the first time i got a bid. he's really good friends with tj.

i'm not really sure what's going on, but tj told me after we both left tonight that there was another change of plans and that he would explain later. i talked to stephanie (nolan's girlfriend) after i got home and she said that nolan had said he was planning on everything being normal with us.

i don't know what's going on. all i know is i have to start setting up interviews.

and i'm getting sicker.

and i really miss tj :(


tonight is first degree.

i have no idea what to expect. i said this last time, and like last time, i am excited.

i feel like somewhat of a traitor to tj and the beta lambdas, but i know they all support me in everything i do.

i get a new big tonight... i'm both nervous and excited to find out. tj will always be my big though. he'll always be my most favorite person :)

now i just have to wait... three hours and counting.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

a step in the right direction.

i haven't written a blog in a while, but i wanted to come on and say that i feel like my life is headed in the correct direction. i'm really with all of my decisions lately :) i might be saying different next week after first degree... but as for now i'm happy. i can't wait until the end of this semester and then for next semester.


i'm still waiting to find out who my big will be this time though... i'm wishing and wishing that it's tj.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


i'm in a weird mood right now. and i guess i'm really just questioning society at this point.

a few minutes ago i got a call from the vp of kkpsi. he asked me if i was interested in rushing, i said yes. he then told me that tj can't be my big brother.

mind. fucked.

i didn't even know what to say. it got really awkward and me just kind of being like, "nknkhjthjsnkb."

needless to say, i have no idea what to do anymore.

who/what creates these rules that say only active members of the fraternity can be bigs? who even came up with active verses conditional? WHO EVEN MADE UP DAMN FRATERNITIES?!?!

this is why i'm questioning society and all of the rules that have been created. it's so weird to me.

i don't even want to go into detail because my thoughts aren't even forming words.

i just... don't know. i don't know anymore.

i don't want another big.

i know that's not what rushing is about, and the vp, ruben, told me that. he said that if i'm serious about being in the fraternity it shouldn't matter. and really it shouldn't. tj will always be my friend and i can always still hang out with him.

but it does matter. it matters to me. being in this particular fraternity shouldn't be about the social aspect, but that's a huge part of it. there are only so many service events to take your mind off of the social aspects.

i only want tj as a big. no one else. i don't even know who else they could give me because they're not supposed to give you someone you already know, and i know a lot of people.

lhnrjsnhjknthdn,mhh. i'm so confused right now :(

tonight :D

i'm totally procrastinating on that other blog that i keep saying that i'm working on, and i promise, i am!!! but yeah anyways, tonight has been quite the night. sorry for the oh so depressing blog last night, that was me being sad for my lack of plans. but tonight toootally makes up for it. all i can really say is that tonight consisted of matching old people shirts made by me (hopefully i'll get a picture soon) for brandon and i, drumline party, cars getting towed, girls telling brandon they only came to the drumline party for him and that they better get something out of it (okay only one girl), girl getting mad when he turned her down, walking about a mile to get to some circus party, getting to said circus party, leaving five minutes later and walking home, tents, pizza, clinton throwing up on our little porch (multiple times), me hiding out in my room while said throwing up happens, coming out when i think he's done only for him to start again.

but yeah, it was still fun :) i love my friends. i really really do. even if they throw up multiple times at my house, of all places.

Friday, September 17, 2010

i've been working on a blog for a few days now, about my first photography assignment. i still haven't finished it, but i really wanted to write something else.

i'm incredibly... sad right now. i don't think people understand how sensitive i can really be. most of the time i play things off like it's no big deal to me, but really it hurts so bad. tonight i had to work during a rush event for kkpsi. it was suppose to last until 10pm. every weekend i struggle to make plans. for some people it's easy, they just call whoever up and go party with them. for me... i only do things if i'm invited to do them, mostly because when i do ask people if they want to do something they shoot me down because they already have plans. i'm friends with a lot of people up here, but i'm usually an after thought when inviting people over. because of this, and years of this, i hardly ever do things on fridays nights, which is why i was super excited to have plans tonight. i was going to see all of my friends and get all dressed up for the formal rush event. i rushed home from work only to get in my car to leave and get a text from jane saying it was canceled... i almost started crying. i came back inside and texted tj saying that now i have no plans. no text back.

i love flagstaff, but i guess i can't always hide from loneliness, can i?

i hate tonight.

i hate that i feel like this. i hate that i almost wish i was still at work, just to have an excuse for not doing anything. i hate that i'm too shy to text someone right now to see if they too have no plans. i hate that i never make plans and expect other people to make them for me.

i'm trying so hard to stay positive about everything going on in my life right now. i could be in chandler, still hanging out with no one. i could not have just gotten my paycheck (ONLY $49.75 WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!), i could have no friends and no plans.

ejngkjnhjknrth. i guess life isn't always perfect. i just feel like maybe i'm not living it to the complete fullest.

oh, i decided to rush for kkpsi again. i'm not sure why but part of me is saying, "no don't do it!" and the other half is saying, "why wouldn't you do it?" i think i'm just worried about time and not having any of it. i'm guessing i'll probably have things to do on the weekends though... that's not my reason though. haha.

anyways. enkjnhd. tonight sucks. this weekend will probably suck do to the amount of homework i have. and cis 120 sucks because i'm WAY behind and can't drop without losing the money for the class and without losing my health insurance... SUCKVILLE.

sorry for this rant. i really needed it though.


Thursday, September 16, 2010


1. move to flagstaff.
2. make a world line on cymbals.
3. dye my hair.
4. change my style.
5. eat healthy on a regular basis.
6. get another tattoo.
7. get a bike. ride it everyday.
8. make drum corps.
9. choose a career.
10. get another piercing.
11. send a secret to postsecret.
12. take a road trip to california.
13. make new friends.

14. go on a cruise.
15. get a job.
16. work as a photographer.
17. read at least 10 books.
18. get a gym membership.
19. go to the grand canyon for the first time.
20. play cymbals for nau's marching band.

these are all of the things on my 20 before 20 list that i've accomplished :D i haven't really been thinking extensively about my list, but it has been in the back of my head lately. when i made this list, i think i was just making it to make it. i didn't think about it for very long and pretty much immediately after posting it had to edit and revise. well, today i've been thinking a lot about it (because i don't want to do homework...) and i again want to change a few things... haha. at first i didn't want to because i thought i would be breaking some rule or something, but it's my list, so i can do with it what i want! so, here is my edited list:

1. move to flagstaff.
2. make a world line on cymbals.
3. dye my hair.
4. try geocaching.
5. eat healthier.
6. get another tattoo.
7. get a bike.
8. make drum corps.
9. choose a career.
10. get another piercing.
11. send a secret to postsecret.
12. take a road trip to california.
13. make new friends.
14. get at least all b's in my classes at ccc.
15. get a job.
16. work as a photographer.
17. read at least 10 books.
18. take a walk with my camera at least once a week.
19. think positively for all things negative that come into my life.
20. play cymbals for nau's marching band.

so yeah. there you (and i) have it! my new goals. i have so far accomplished 7/20 things and i'm loving my life so far.

ps. i have a pretty substantial post coming soon, and it's been taking me FOREVER. i haaaate the stupid picture uploader thing on here. most of the time it doesn't work for me! GRR. it makes me mad. haha, but... it give me more time to think about what i really want to say in the post. haha POSITIVE!

Monday, September 13, 2010


one: i love my life.
two: i love my friends.
three: i love my instrument.
four: i kind of hate my job.
five: i need to get another job. i can't afford anything right now and i don't get enough hours.
six: i love my roommates.
seven: i miss my family.
eight: i like all of my classes except cis 120. i still need to buy the books.
nine: i'm not procrastinating as much as normal, but i need to procrastinate less.
ten: i might rush kkpsi again.
eleven: i love my major.
twelve: i'm not sure why i'm doing this in list format.

but i like it.

anyways, i've been pretty busy lately. my room is a mess. my second roommate moved in. i played at the nau asu football game. i had my first audition for mosaic. i learned a lot. i woke up at 3am. i did homework until 5am. i drove until 8am. my 8:30am class was canceled. i found a ton of free books in front of someone's house on my street. i went to marching band and had the best epiphany for the best visual :D i went to lunch with brandon and spencer. i accidently went to work. i took pictures. i wrote this blog.

i'm already behind... but i plan on changing that this week. as for next week... i'm not sure yet. but i do know that i pretty much love my life right now :)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

always learning.

i haven't blogged in a while, and i don't really have much to write about. but i would like to say that i am so incredibly thankful to be where i am. over the summer i was kind of experiencing the whole, want what you don't/can't have thing. so when i decided to go back to flagstaff i had this secret fear that i would completely hate it when i got back and that it would have all been for nothing. but since being back i haven't regretted anything. i feel so happy about 95% of the time, it's crazy. i've gotten to see all of my friends from last year, i've even made some new ones. i miss my friends from chandler, but i know who means the most to me.

i'm constantly learning who my true friends are. i've posted so many times in the past about how i've seen the light and know who my friends are now. but really, i learn everyday who in my life deserves to be there. and some days some people are in my life, and some days they aren't. i was also afraid to come up here because i knew this semester wouldn't be like last year. and i was right. this semester is nothing like my first semester at nau, it's better. i'm still learning new things everyday and i feel happier all the time. i have some amazing people in my life who would do anything for me - and have.

i'm thankful for a lot of people but i'm mostly thankful for tj. i've never had anyone quite like him in my life. he's the big brother i never had and always wanted, even to this day when he technically isn't my "big brother." i don't get to see him everyday, but the days i do see him are some of my happiest. he's let me vent, he's sat with me in the library and study rooms while i did my homework, just to make sure i got it done, he's given me a shoulder to fall asleep on, he's stood up for me, he's paid for countless meals, he's bought be groceries when i didn't have money, he's given me rides when i had no idea where i was going, he's texted me just to tell me he misses me, he's laughed at all of my jokes, he's cheated for me because he knows i'm not good at sports and most games, he's always there for me and most of all, he's made me feel so loved. i can't lie and say he had nothing to do with me coming back up here... not everything to do with it, but a little bit :)

i've also found new friends in people who i knew last year but wasn't friends with. most of which are in kkpsi. it's amazing the love some of them have shown me. and i've had so many people tell me how happy they are that i came back... i never really got that when i came back to chandler, at least not to the extent i got it here. not that like... that's what i wanted or anything, it's just nice to hear people sincerely tell you that they love you and are happy i'm here... :)

i got on the subject of rushing for kkpsi again with jane. it's that time of year again and bids will be handed out in a few weeks. i'm not really sure if at this point i'm wanted to do it again for the people or for the actual fraternity. at this point, i know that i like the idea of brotherhood and service for the band, but i'm not sure what i'd be doing it for. and at this point i know that there's a ton of drama that goes on on the inside that i don't want to necessarily be a part of. but i know for most people that the drama is worth it. i also feel like i would be betraying the beta lambdas and tj. haha, i know they would rather me be in kkpsi than not, but i also feel like i don't want to be in another class and i don't want another big. both which would probably have to happen. i'm not going to think about until i get a bid (if i do get a bid). hopefully i'll do whatever is best for me.

anyways, i guess i said more than i thought in this post :) i guess i also have a few exciting things coming up. this weekend is the asu nau game and i'm the only cymbal who gets to go (woo section leader privileges :D). afterwards we have the asunau drumline party (pronounced by spencer as ass-you-now) in which i will be seeing devon and alan (hopefully... i invited them. haha). the next day i have auditions for mosaic indoor percussion! i'm not sure how i will do, but i'm hoping for a good outcome. haha, this is the first of two auditions, and i get to see a lot of old friends. and, it's at my old high school! so i get to stay at home maybe?! YES :D too bad monday isn't the day i have class at one :/ oh well!

Friday, September 3, 2010

"the eyes are blind to what the mind cannot see."

this is probably going to be a long post... BUT WHO CARES?!

so i guess if you read this regularly, you'll know that i just moved into my own house! well... i'm renting it and sharing it with two other people... but my own house! haha :) and i finally took some pictures sooo, duhduhduhduh! here they are:

cute, right?! i love it :)

on the first night here brandon and i stayed up for a while talking and watching funny youtube videos. not only was it fun, but he's really been making me think about life. we got on the topic of trying new things and how i don't normally do things outside of my comfort zone. he compared life to a book. every new experience we have is a new page in the book and the book is sooo long, but i'm stuck in the first few pages of my book. the front of my book is my comfort zone.

i feel like lately though i've been stepping out of my comfort zone. i could have stayed in chandler. i could have gone to mcc so i could live at home. i could have done a lot of things. but no, i'm in flagstaff. i'm at yet another new school. i'm taking classes that i've never taken before and loving them. i just moved into a house that i'm renting with two people i don't really know. i'm about to start a job that i absolutely don't want to do but will do anyways so i can pay my rent.

and still, in all of that change, i can feel my comfort zone around me. i can feel it closing in on me again. so, in an effort to release myself from my ever almighty comfort zone, i am going to try something new everyday. be it big or small, i'm going to try. yesterday i listened to the radio. small, yet something i never do. today i woke up early and went for a walk with my camera. i went up my street and then along the train tracks for about an hour. i took new pictures.

tomorrow? i have no idea what i'll do, but hopefully it will be significant. if not, there's always the next day :)

one of my favorite classes so far is my art appreciation class. and it's crazy because my favorite part is the reading.

"humans form art works, and then the art forms us... art forms us by telling us things, embellishing our lives, elevating our spirits, showing us who we are, waking us up to injustice, or just flooring us with beauty."

"science seeks answers to questions about the outer, physical world; these answers form the basis of our technology. the arts foster the development of our inner works - the intuitive, emotional, spiritual, and creative aspects of being human. reality is explained through the sciences and revealed through the arts. people need both science and art if they are to balance function with meaning."

"you can come back to where you started from with added experience and you hope more understanding. you leave and then return to the homeland of your imagination." - romare bearden.

"of all our planet's resources, the most precious is human awareness." - don fabun.

"the eyes are blind to what the mind cannot see."

"seeing is forgetting the name of the thing one sees." - Robert Irwin.

"ordinary things become extraordinary when seen without prejudgement."

i've been trying to figure out what to say for this post for the past few days. i really want to say so much about art but... i'm at a loss for my own words. besides what i write down about my life and stuff, words have never really come easily to me. i think that's why i love art so much because there's so much you can say without actually saying it out loud.

"i found that i could say things with colors and shapes that i couldn't say in any other way - things i had no words for." - georgia o'keeffe.

i think my next goal with photography is to start taking pictures with a purpose. take my favorite quotes and turn them into pictures.


Thursday, September 2, 2010

moved in :D

i moved in!! WOO. i only have 10 minutes until my next class starts, but i felt the need to let everyone know. i still have so much i need to do (like set up all the utilities), and it feels like i have so little time to do it! today is nau's first football game of the season and the marching band has been working so hard the past week. not only did we learn all of pregame, but we learned our first show and all of our stand tunes. i really like the cymbal line and the rest of the battery this year. i loved them last year, but we seem to click even more this year.

anyways, i have a pretty awesome blog coming soon enough, probably tomorrow. i've been learning so much in all of my classes and it's only been 4 days! and i'm happy to say that i love all of my classes so far :) (except cis 120... i might drop that one...).

anyways! photography is next :D

pictures of the new house sooooon.

ps. i love my roommate. he's super cool and i hope that lucia is equally as awesome.