Friday, April 30, 2010

spring cleaning.

i'm home for the night :) i got to see andrew, danielle, and trey today, which was as always, amazing. i came down here to bring back most of my things from my dorm, because no one can come up and help me move. a week from today, i will be home for forever.

well, maybe not forever, but for a while... :)

i'm about to go attack my room. clean it, throw old memories away, true spring cleaning. i hope it will be liberating. because that's exactly what i want. i need to to feel liberated. more than anything. i'm sitting here on the floor of my room, listening to owl city, and feeling like... i just don't fit in this room anymore. it's not mine. i'm different now, a completely different person than i was in high school. this room doesn't belong to me, but the high school sam, the old me. i'm ready to move on.

at least i think i am.

and i really hope i am. because i'm about to fuck some shit up :)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

roommates for LIFE :)

i should be sleeping right now, because i only got three hours of sleep today, but for some reason i really don't want to. i still need to do so much today, including packing up my car with whatever will fit and with what i don't need for the next week. it's bittersweet to pack all of my things, because it feels like i'm leaving my home, my little place that's all mine (and my roommate's). the past few days we've been reminiscing about all of our old memories.

WHAT UP HO (smack)!
running around the halls writing "what up ho?!" and "room 349 rocks!!" on everyone's door white boards
"a ferret jumped into my crib, and ate my face. now i'm a ferret advocate."
the song according to you.
all the pictures we took on photobooth.
watching tough love together.
bitch, i want my damn atm card!
how our random posts on each others walls would turn into something nice and really deep :)
any videos having to do with glozell.
what the shit?!
king sized... just how i like it ;)
you wanna get but BITCH?
it's been reeeaalll BITCH.
(making fun of people)
"did you change your sheets?!"
jade jade SUN. is twenty ONE.
all of our facebook conversations :)

whrbghbrt. there are so many more! and i can't believe how much i'm going to miss my roommate :)

she got back while i was writing this and watching our jade sun is 21 video. hahaha. we're listening to back street boys :)


Wednesday, April 28, 2010


i finished ceramics today. got a d and one sweet finished piece out of it. NICE.

i need to pack, i'm going down to chandler tomorrow night to drop off some of my stuff. i want to clean out my room too, i've been wanted to do it for the LONGEST time. i want to rid of all my bad high school memories. i want to redecorate and grow :) move on with my life!!! I'M SO READY.

two things i've been pretty obsessed with this week: tattoos and ceramics.

I WANT THIS <3 reeeal bad. anyways, i've been obsessed with just looking at pictures and figuring out what i want. and for ceramics, just with everything i want to make next semester. i want to make SOOO many things. mostly some jewelry. i think it would so super cool to have jewelry i made myself. like, bracelets and rings and pendants for necklaces. AH. i'm so excited.

the next year is going to be so... creative. ha :)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


last week was my last concert for collegiate band, and probably the last concert i'll ever have for flute. i was happy it was over, but sad that i was so happy about it... if that makes any sense. ha. anyways, for our last class of collegiate band we were required to go to the symphonic band concert tonight. i went and sat with tj, shelley, emily, and austin. all of whom are in kkpsi. everything was fine until the concert was over and they all went their separate ways, leaving me to just stand there. they all had people to talk to, laugh with, and share secrets with, while i stood there, realizing more than ever how much of my life is not in flagstaff. all the friends i do have up here will always be my friends, but they won't be the biggest part of my life, not the people i need to see everyday, or even talk to everyday. it's a sad realization to come to, but it makes me more excited than ever to be home soon and for forever. well, maybe not forever, but for a while. i'm still trying to figure a few things out, but i did take another step today in doing just that! i changed a bit of my schedule for this summer and next semester. this summer i'll be taking ART 100 (intro to computer graphic art). it's four days a week, but only for a month, and it's only a one credit class, so it'll be nice to get out of way. and to see if i like it!! anyways, for the fall i'm taking ART 131 (photography 1), ART 142 (intro to digital photography), ART 161 (ceramics), and TEC 114 (block printing/silk screening). i still need two more credits, so i think i might take abnormal psychology. i need to send in my high school transcripts for that though... so yeah.


i'm probably going to be posting SO many blogs in the next two weeks. why? because i've given up on this semester. i feel it, i already have. my mom is coming up this weekend to help me pack and move some of my stuff home. i only have 11 days left.

anyways. last night i stayed up pretty late talking to andrew. we talked a lot about tattoos, and it got my mind thinking that i totally want more (even though when i got my first one i totally swore i would never get another one because it hurt so bad). i have a few ideas.

i really want to get the quote, "don't think or judge. just listen." yes, it's the name of my blog because i LOVE this quote. it's from the sarah dessen book just listen and i love what it means. i tend to over think and over judge situations. like now, all i can do is think and judge about what this summer and upcoming semester will bring me. i've been really working on doing what i want to do, and that takes me just listening to myself. i'm super indecisive, but when i just listen to myself and i don't think or judge, i realize what i want and i follow that. the few times i've done it, i've realized that i want to be a photographer, i want to go to mcc, and a few others things. and i'm trying to do it with small decisions too, "where do you want to eat sam? in and out burger or sonic?" my head: sonic. i want onion rings so bad. my mouth: "i don't know..."

yeah. i've been trying to work on it. ha.

just an idea?! maybe.

and i love dandelions. they represents something so innocent and pure, but at the same time something so... wild and kind of dangerous. dandelions are considered to be weeds to most people, and i think of weeds as wild and dangerous. i don't know, dandelions have this way about them... you can't be sure what they are. and i really like that. i do mostly like how they represent innocence.

i also want to get the quote, "one must sink to the depths in order to rise to the heights." it's from the book i capture the castle by dodie smith. to me, it represents all of the hard times i've been through throughout my life and how i've had to rise up from them, but how those moments were necessary and had to happen, because otherwise i would never get to my highest. i would never be confident or happy. i never really thought about getting this as a tattoo, but i was thinking about getting a tattoo to represent my time here at nau, and this kind of popped into my head. like, this doesn't directly represent nau, but it represents all the hard times i went through, only to get nau, deal with them, and move on with my life and become happy. because first semester i was SO happy. it also represents the hard times i've had this semester, and that it's okay that it happened, i'll only grow from this pretty situation, and that i did once again need to sink to the depths, in order to rise to the heights.

i will rise to the heights :) eventually...

anyways. yeah...

i also want to get my hair cut.

maybe like one of these? whenever i get my bangs cut though, i usually end up not liking them.

WE SHALL SEE. for now i must go take a shower... haha.

Monday, April 26, 2010


OKAY. so, i know i've already posted two blogs today... haha. but i'm SO bored. and i know i should be doing like, everything, but i've totally given up on this semester. as of now, i've decided to start next semester anew, or... this summer rather. both!! anyways. i've been thinking about everything i want to do this summer, and i have to write it down somewhere so i don't forget. haha :)

redecorate my room - if i'm going to be living there this summer and next year, i don't want it to reflect my high school life. i want it to reflect NOW. well... almost now :)
knit a lot - i've been knitting for a long time now (since 8th grade). dan just picked up knitting, and we're going to have knitting parties all summer :) i want to expand what i already know how to do. oh! and i need to teach andrew's roommate (also named andrew) how to knit!! pretty. excited.
get a job - i pretty much don't have any hope for getting a job right when summer starts, but when i get home i am going to start speed applying to EVERYWHERE. the only place i've applied to is vans a few weeks ago, and i haven't heard anything back yet.
find something that will make my legs smoother - hahaha. i have super thick hair, so yeah... i've never really had super smooth legs, and i want them!! so yeah, that's like, a little mini goal ^_^
start an art journal - with dan and one by myself :) the one i want to do by myself will be... i think more personal, and i'll put all of my little keepsakes from nau in it, so they'll never go forgotten. and maybe a few high school memories from my walls that i absolutely cannot throw away. and then things that are from... well i guess what is now my future :)
develop a new wardrobe - this will really only happen if i get a job. i go back and forth everyday with what i want my style to be, or what i think is cute. sometimes i like the whole grungy, i don't care what i look like, but i still look good thing. sometimes i like the very clean cut, stylish, preppy look. it just kind of depends, but i want to get more clothes that reflect that. and i want more clothes that reflect the different season. i think most of my clothes are wintery. winter was always my favorite season... until i moved to flagstaff. now, i am in love with spring and really only have two tops that show that. i really want a skirt with flowers on it to wear with a white tank top. i don't have that!!! i neeeeeed a new wardrobe.
read more - i absolutely loooove reading. but i feel like haven't had any time for it this whole school year. i'm too busy being lazy. haha. reading isn't really a lazy thing for me... like, when i feel like being lazy, i don't read. i sit and watch tv and sit on the computer and write about how lazy i am and what i want to do when i'm not being lazy. AND AND AND. anyways, i want to read more <3
be healthier - i've already made plans with dan and andrew to work out this summer!! but i want to be healthier overall. i want to eat healthily, exercise healthily, and think healthily. i read somewhere that omega 3 reduces the risk for depression. i can get depressed really easily, and i figure, it can't hurt to try something natural that might reduce that risk :) i want to BE HAPPY! all the time :)
be more organized - i know this will probably NEVER happen, but i want to keep my room cleaner and more organized. a girl can dream right?!
take more pictures - i already take a lot of pictures, but if i want to be a photographer, i should start taking more. i want to invest in new camera's: mostly silly ones; and new lenses: more professional ones and ones to just have fun with.
get another tattoo - i'm not sure of what yet, but i either want something really artsy or really simple. maybe both... :) i'm not sure where i want it either, but i'll figure it out. i've been thinking about the zildjian logo possibly on my wrist? maybe a bird... or a camera. i want something meaningful to me though. possibly just a treble or bass clef somewhere. i've been thinking about maybe getting something tattooed on my foot (i pick painful spots) or maybe my hipbone. not sure yet. i also might want to get "don't think or judge, just listen" tattooed somewhere on me. i've wanted it for a really long time.

anyways, once i get a job, i'm going to be spending so much money... :)


i've been inspired by dan's serendipitous saturday (and sundays :D) to think about everything that i've become obsessed with lately.

hellogoodbye :] andrew told me to listen to "two weeks in hawaii" a few weeks ago. he told me that parts of it really related to how he felt about me, so of course i listened to it. he told me that i would like hellogoodbye, and he was right! i'm listening to them right now. one of my favorites so far is "the thought that gives me creeps" i completely suggest that you listen to it <3

the song got me thinking, what if i had never met some of the people who are my best friends now? or what if i had never met andrew? again, with the WHAT IF'S. the thought really does give me the creeps. ha.

making bracelets!! i've only finished a few so far, but i've been working on other ones. i usually get bored with it after a while, but i'm really determined to finish all of them. i want to have wrists full of bracelets. you should make me one, i'll wear it :)

skyyyype. i'm on it everyday. i only have two buddies... haha. and i only ever talk to one, andrew. when i talk to him on skype, it's almost like i'm actually there with him, even though i'm not :[

THIS BED! i want this :) and i've become obsessed with trying to find things that match it, the store urban outfitters in general, and this summer when i get to go there and redecorate my room. thinking about this is what i do instead of study.

ceramics. yes, i haven't gone to ceramics yet today or this week, and i need to, but ever since i finished this piece, i want to take ceramics again, and i'm considering rearranging my schedule for next semester to do it. i have all sorts of new inspiration that includes me just making things to make them and have them. and making pendants for necklaces, and then making the actual necklace myself :) if i take ceramics again though, i'm going to promise myself that i go everyday and that i work on it outside of class as much as possible. if i do take it, i'll have it tuesdays and thursdays at 12:30-3:15. if i get into abnormal psychology, i'll have that from 10:30-11:45. i can go straight from that to ceramics, then stay afterwards, because my next class after that isn't until 4:25. i just have to figure out when i'll take photography 1, because it's during the same time. there are other times i can take it, but it conflicts with either other classes or marching band. so i have to decide whether or not i'm going to take marching band.

being lazy. i can't get enough of it. i'm hoping that i'll be so tired of being lazy by the end of next week that i won't want to be lazy at all this summer or next semester. HERE'S TO HOPING!

thinking. i think a lot. i sit on my bed (not really in this position... ha) all day and think. i think mostly about my future, and what i will make of it. i think of the present, and how i'm doing nothing (except thinking). and i think of my past, and how i screwed up this semester. i mostly think about the summer and next semester. what i want to do, what i should do, all the different possibilities, different scenarios. i can't help it. when i'm living it, i'll try so hard to live in the present.

anyways, that's a lot of things to be obsessed with!! ha.

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery.

"the clock is running. make the most of today. time waits for no man. yesterday is history. tomorrow is a mystery. today is a gift. that's why it is called the present."

i saw part of this quote written on the ground when i was walking back from spanish. it made me want to blog.

i was going to write about how i'm going to start appreciating the present and stop thinking about the future and stop dwelling in the past.

but, i feel like this is the one thing i'm not doing. i'm not focusing on the present. right now, right this second. all i can think about is my future, and how things will change in the future. not the present... i'm not doing anything to change right now. i went to spanish this morning, but i found out that i slept through my listening portion of the final because i stayed up until 4 in the morning the day of and decided not to go to class, only to find out today what i had missed. i'm not going to ceramics today. well, i am, but not until after class is over. we're supposed to be going to my teacher's house today for a little party, and i don't want to go, but i need to work on stuff afterwards, so that's when i'm going.

i only have two weeks left at nau. not even two weeks actually, 12 days. i realized last night that i've only spent three weekends in flagstaff. i should stay here this weekend, but i decided to go to my dad's house for my last weekend in flagstaff. i was going to go this past weekend, but i decided to drive down to tempe to see andrew. i spent the entire weekend with him. we didn't really do all that much, but it was fun, and i miss him already. i guess that was me making the most of the present... when it was the present that is. i probably shouldn't have gone because i spent about $50.

driving up last night i felt weird. not only did i feel paranoid, but sad. i felt paranoid because i had to pee, and i didn't know where to stop and it was 10pm... yeah. i was paranoid!! haha. it was weird. when i finally got on the road though i was sad. and i think a bit scared for these next two weeks. i have so much to do this week. i absolutely cannot wait for this summer to start, but a part of me is so scared to finish this semester, knowing that i won't be coming back to nau. i think i was sad that last night was the last time i'll be driving back up from phoenix to flagstaff after a weekend in the valley. i can't imagine next semester. i know i shouldn't, i should just live for today, but i can't help it.

i can't helping thinking what life would be like if i hadn't done so much this semester. what if i hadn't done drumline? i'd probably still be going to nau next semester, i'd probably be a brother of kkpsi right now, i probably wouldn't be failing any of my classes. i probably wouldn't have a boyfriend. i probably wouldn't be good friends with halonna. i probably wouldn't be friends with anyone that i met from drumline. what if i hadn't rushed kkpsi at all? i probably wouldn't have met and become such good friends with tj, i probably wouldn't be behind in any of my classes, my decision to leave would probably be easier for me, i probably wouldn't feel jealous every time i look at pictures from the kkpsi brothers. what if i hadn't taken 18 credits? i probably wouldn't be failing any classes, i'd probably have more time to relax, i probably would have had more time for kkpsi, i probably would have had more time for drumline, i probably would have had more time for everything.

things would be different. but, i had to learn to be selfish, and do something for me. i dropped kkpsi, even though i loved it, in order to have more time. i'm glad i did, but it makes me sad every time i look at brother's pictures from different events that i couldn't be a part of.

in two weeks, i will be completely done with this semester, my time at nau, and with dwelling in the past. i won't think about how things could have been.

i don't think i'll ever stop thinking about my future, because i want so much, and there's no possible way i could not think about it. but i think i'll stop thinking about it every second of everyday. because starting this summer, i am going to start living in the present, because after all, it is a gift. tomorrow is a mystery, this summer is a mystery, next semester is a mystery.

and i can't wait.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


i'm watching made right now. it's a new episode, but i remember watching made when i was in high school and even junior high. i remember always wanted the courage to go on a show like made. i wanted to change myself drastically, or try something completely new, just to see if i would realize something i loved. most people on the show either want to be a model (what i'm watching now), or a beauty queen, or prom queen. most want to play sports, or be a cheerleader or a singer.

i think one of the things that made me really like the show was how happy and confident everyone seemed to be towards the end of the show, and yeah, they had to do things along the way they didn't want to, but they were always satisfied in the end, even if they didn't make the team or win homecoming queen. everyone always benefited, and i was jealous that even if they didn't accomplished what they set out to do, they were still so happy. i've always wanted to just be immersed into something like that.

as of now, i want to be a photographer. watching this show makes me wish i had gone on made to be a photographer when i was in high school. it seems like it would have been so much fun and sooo worth it. but, that's just a dream. i don't really like to dwell on the past, but think about my future. made somehow makes me think of both, which is kind of weird... haha.

i told my grandma that i decided not to come back to nau so i could get a certificate for photography from a community college. i thought she would be upset with me, because she has so many plans for me, but she surprisingly had a lot of very helpful words that didn't offend me at all. i think i'm realizing that unless i become a very famous photographer, i'm not going to make my living off of this. i want to explore every aspect of photography there is. i want to do portraits, weddings, landscapes and fashion.

but i know i'll probably need something else to make the majority of my income. right now i'm thinking possibly something psychology related. i'm not sure though. i'm just trying to relax and take things how they come. i don't have to figure everything out now. i have time :]

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

self worth.

i've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not i'm wasting my parents money right now. i already failed fitness and conditioning. i've missed too many days, and it's a pass/fail class. there's no use going anymore. i'm probably going to fail astronomy and ceramics. i'm way too far behind to catch up. i'm not really sure how i'm doing in band. i've skipped... twice now? i think that's it. we have a concert coming up. it's either tomorrow or next wednesday. i'm not really sure. the only classes i really have hope for are math, spanish and animal behavior.

is it worth it that i learned a lot about my me though? is it worth almost the $20,000 my parents dished out for me to have figured out a lot about life? i'm not really sure. but i'm so grateful they gave me this year.

it's weird to think what i could possibly be like if i had stayed at home and gone to cgcc or asu. i really can't imagine. on one hand, i might have learned everything i learned from being at nau, but i don't think i would have appreciated it as much.

this semester and my time at nau are almost up, and i really wanted to wait to start reflecting on this past year, but i'm going to do it now (even though i really have to pee and would really like to take a nap. ha)

this time last year i was a lone senior at hamilton. i had very few friends, and the friends i didn't have didn't feel like my true friends. there were just there because they had no where else to be. i walked through the halls without happiness, but i thought i would miss high school so much. now i can say that i didn't have very many friends, but then i thought i did. i thought those people who were just there, but not really "there for me" were my friends, but i was wrong. those are people that i don't talk to any more, and have no interest in talking to anymore. i'm not really sure why they kept this front up, why they kept pretending to be my friend. but for my sake at the time, i'm glad they did. i graduated with one best friend who was pretty much the only person i thought of as a friend. every one else said they loved me and they'd see miss this summer, but they didn't mean it or follow through with that. the summer started with me seeing all of my "friends" laughing and taking pictures together and having an amazing time while i searched for my mom, not being able to find her in the hot, over populated asu campus. we were both frustrated that we couldn't find each other, and by the time we did, half of my family left without saying goodbye. that night we had senior night, where i saw what was once "my group" of friends, all in their tie dye shirts and their inside jokes. i walked around with some of my "friends" and had a horrible time. that night marked the last time i saw most of them until the end of summer, which even then didn't mean much to me.

last summer all i did was work and sit at home. the only person i ever hung out with was evan, who really saved me from going insane. he was the first person i learned to open up to, like real friends do with each other. i learned to trust him, and we were best friends. but i could feel myself slipping. slipping into depression, and hurt. i grew scared to leave my mom and my family for college, but at the same time, i knew that i needed to leave. besides my family, i had nothing left in chandler. since evan was also going to nau, i had no friends left for me in chandler.

the only good memory i have from summer though, was when, out of the blue, i got a text. i'm not sure who it was from, either trey, stephen, alex or randy, but one of them texted me and asked what i was doing. they told me to come outside and sure enough, there they all were. it was about ten pm and i was already in my pajamas, getting ready to watch tv for a few hours like i did every night that summer. we sat outside talking for a while until we realized there was... crap. i can't remember what was happening. something astronomy related... i can't remember what it's called. anyways, we wanted to watch it. so we drove for about two hours listening to music and just talking. somewhere in there we realized it was too cloudy to see anything in the sky and we drove back, but i had so much fun in the process.

i left for school and pretty much had to start over. i had realized over the summer that the reason i kept losing my friends was because i didn't trust people. so i decided when i got to nau i decided to trust. i decided to just be who i thought i was. i started saying what i thought, cursing, and going for things i never thought i could do before because i knew that i didn't have much to lose. at first, i really only made one friend, and that was mike. but i trusted him. i could talk to him for hours and hours at a time. he was the only person i hung out with, got food with, talked to. it feels our relationship (which wasn't really a relationship) lasted for so long, but looking back, it was really only a few weeks. he always encouraged me to go out and meet people and try new things. he himself was going to rush for KA, a fraternity. i got invited to a kkpsi rush event. he encouraged me to go when we couldn't hang out one night. this ended up being my first experience with kkpsi, and not my last. soon enough, things ended with mike, but right after i made a few new good friends, friends that i know will be here for me for years to come. i already knew halonna, but i hung out with her for the first time a few days after everything with mike happened. i also met maggie right after mike. these two girls became my best friends, and my source for trust and happiness. i hung out with them all the time. through them and band, i also made other friends. some who i'm not very good friends with anymore, but i would never regret being friends with them last semester.

in general, last semester i learned a lot about myself. i went through a bit of a rough time with mike, but overall, i was so much happier. i went home for the first time in mid october. i went to a band competition and saw some of my old friends, a lot of them said they didn't even recognize me, one said that she had never seen me look so happy, and that i was glowing. if there is one thing last semester taught me, it's how to let loose (not too loose, ha) and to be happy. don't worry about what people think about you, just trust them to know that they aren't thinking anything bad. and if they are, then they aren't worth your time.

i had so many great memories from last semester, but one of them was definitely black friday. i was happy to be going home for four days, but also nervous, because i thought i would just be sitting at home the entire time not doing anything. in college i had really learned to just go out and hang with friends, rather than sitting at home every night. about a week or so before i went home, stephen roy invited me to go over to his house on black friday. he went away to texas for college, and wanted to have a little reunion. i was so nervous to go, because i hadn't seen any of the people going since the summer, and i thought it would be the old "group" that they had formed at the end of senior year that i had not become a part of. i was the first one there, and soon after everyone else showed up. it was only me, hunter, alex, randy, trey and danielle. i was pretty happy with that, because the only one i didn't know was danielle. i was still a little skeptical and didn't know if i would feel left out, but i realized that they were still the same people i had always been friends with. i was the different one, and they loved me for who i used to be, and who i was now. i soon found out the reasons we had stopped being good friends in the first place, and we all became good friends again. i hung out with these people all weekend and realized what i had left behind in chandler, and for the first time, i looked forward to coming home for winter break.

i had a good reason to be excited to come home for winter break. because it was absolutely the most amazing break ever. i didn't spend my nights alone, i didn't spend days at work. i spent time with my old friends, and spent time making a new friend. i have so many good memories from winter break, including our mini road trip to payson. going back up to flagstaff for second semester, i couldn't help but miss my new "family" that i had created at home. i cried when i saw all the snow and realized i wouldn't see all of them for a long time.

i was wrong of course, because i've seen all of them (except stephen) many times throughout this semester. with drumline i was in phoenix every weekend, and ended up driving home most of those weekends to go and say hi. throughout this semester and just talking and trusting, i became best friends with danielle and always have a family of the most amazing friends to go home to. they have taught me so much about myself. i've never had a best friend like danielle. i mean, i've always had best friends that i could relate to, but never in ways that i can relate to danielle. she's the only one i feel i can tell everything to, even things that at first i thought i'd always keep to myself. i guess i have told my other best friends about things that happened at home, but they don't know anyone from my life in chandler, it's less of a risk telling them. telling danielle my secrets from high school and before are so much more personal because she knows or knows of every single person i talk about. she also gives me a lot of hope. she's so strong in most of her life, and when i read her blogs and listen to her talk, i have so much hope for my life. she's the one who gave me the strength to decide on mcc next year. not because she's going there too, but because she made this huge decision that will help her with accomplishing her dreams. after reading her blog, i signed up for classes at mcc. i did start to change my mind a few weeks later, but after my mom decided for me that i am indeed going to mcc, i started to get excited for it, i'm still excited for it :)

i think the reason i had doubts in the first place was because how much nau did for me. i changed so much while i was up here, and i thought that if i left i would go back to who i was. but i can never be that person again, that sad, depressed, lonely, untrusting person. i have a family in chandler now, i have a boyfriend in tempe, and i have so many opportunities. and yes, i have a lot of people up here that i will miss SO much, but i know i'll be able to visit them. and tj is going to midwestern university in glendale in the fall of 2011 (hopefully), which will be a lot closer to me than nau.

i'm so excited to see where this summer and next semester take me. i know i'll stay in contact with my friends from nau, and i'm so excited to be closer to my friends from chandler. i sure will miss nau, but i'm going to take this next semester as another learning experience, and hope that it's just as "worth" my time and money as this past year has been :)

Monday, April 19, 2010

fake: to pretend; simulate.

i just found out that the tv show "tough love" and "tough love couples" is fake.


the matchmaker steven ward isn't even a real matchmaker. he works for a company with his mom and apparently they are both scam artists.

this... makes me SO sad. for realzies.

ha, not really.

it does make me think about what being "fake" means. what does it mean? what does it mean for a person to be fake? does it mean that they lie? does it mean that they do things they wouldn't normally do for other people? does it mean that their personality isn't real? and if you don't know this person, how do you that that isn't the "real" them? how do you know that it's fake? and then even if you don't know them, maybe that's just who they are. or maybe they don't know who they are yet, and don't know who they want to be, and by changing their personality, or lying, they're just trying to figure it out. i don't like to judge people i don't know, and that can be hard sometimes, especially when you meet someone you think is fake.

but everyone is fake sometimes. we act different around certain people. most people wouldn't act the same around their grandparents as they would around their friends or as they would around their boyfriend or girlfriend. i know i act different around my grandparents. i know i act different around certain groups of friends. not drastically, but i tend to play up the side of me that relates more to the person that i'm with at that moment. does that make me fake?

for people who never change who they are, good for you, you're rare. and i'm not jealous, because i love who i am :)

i hope that this makes you smile.

i'm really excited to see where my relationship with andrew goes. it's weird, because i was so on and off with liking him up until last week. but that meant there was obviously something there. breaking up with at first i think was good for me, because it allowed me to really figure out how i feel and to start feeling new things. we talked everything out and now i like him more and more everyday. i really hope that when i get home it blossoms into something more, because i know that right now he likes me more than i like him. but i'm getting there. and i really want to get there :]

also, i don't know why i always write blogs right before i have to leave. well, i guess i can leave in about 10 minutes, but i still need to change because i'm wearing shorts and it's supposed to rain today. and i don't really want my legs to get wet. haha.

anyways, this morning i was having this weird dream. i often have dreams that start out good and somehow turn bad with someone chasing me. that started to happen last night, but i woke myself up. i was awake, and it was quiet and dark in my room. i felt paranoid. i got up to turn on that '70s show and when i got back into bed i checked my phone to see i had 32 new messages, all from andrew. i scrolled down to the first one and read through them all. it was exactly what i needed to forget about the dream i just had. while i was reading i got two new messages from him. it was amazing to think we were awake at the same time. i wrote him back nine messages. and woke him up in the process... which i felt bad for doing. haha. but i feel like i like him so much. and i can feel myself falling for him. i don't have much money left, but i'm going to spend it on him this weekend by driving down to phoenix to spend the weekend with him. so i only have four days until i see him. and i absolutely can't wait, because i miss him so much. my baby.

he told me that the song "two weeks in hawaii" by hello goodbye reminds him of me. not all of it, but some of it. i listened to it and looked up the lyrics. and i especially like this verse:

I hope that this makes you smile
And you might stay that way for a while
Cause you deserve every grin that you get
And you'll get em a lot from me


Sunday, April 18, 2010


i used to love my ceramics class, and now i pretty much hate because i'm not good and i'm so behind, but when i go there i see so many people who are so out there. the girls have wild hair and lots of piercings and tattoos. they wear the weirdest, most out there clothes, and they just don't seem to car about what anyone thinks of them. and for some reason, whenever i'm there, and their there, i can't help but stare. at their outwards confidence, at their unique sense of fashion that says, "i don't care," at their artistic ways about them.

i don't really know why i find myself staring... i don't know if it's the fact that i want to look like them or not. maybe it's because i'm envious of their confidence, because i've always thought of myself as confident. either way, i think it's awesome to not be classically "beautiful." because most people like that see beauty in everything. classically beautiful people have a hard time finding beauty in everything, and i would never want to be that way.

on another note, i'm so glad i stayed with my boyfriend. i can feel myself falling so hard for him, which i didn't feel prier to this. i can feel a sense of assurance that we'll actually follow through with all of the plans we're making for the summer and ever after. this is the first time i can see myself with someone for the long run. and i'm excited to be home so i can be with him ^_^

Thursday, April 15, 2010

don't think or judge, just listen.

i know i overreact sometimes. and i make decisions too quickly.

i guess i fixed everything with my boyfriend. i'm going to stick out the next three weeks to see what the summer brings for us. i realized i was just super scared and my reaction was to breakup with him. he's the first guy who has been this honest with me, and told me how much he likes me. and that scares me.

but any guy who after being broken up with tells me that he doesn't know what to do and that that's not what he wants and lets me explain everything (yes, EVERYTHING) i was feeling and thinking to him, isn't just some dumb guy who doesn't care.

we worked everything out. we didn't say that we were starting over, but i kind of feel like we are. it's still a bit awkward for us, but i'm glad to be having this second chance.

i feel so much better. i went to animal behavior. actually paid attention for the most part. we're learning about learning behaviors, and a lot of it is stuff i learned in psychology, so i actually understand what's going on! it rocks :)

i will make the rest of this semester happen. so i can go home to my family, friends, and andrew :]

as i was just trying to come up with a title for this post, i thought of the title of my blog. "don't think or judge, just listen." it's a quote from the book just listen by sarah dessen. and i absolutely love the quote. it means so much to not think about what you're doing, not to judge the situation, just to listen to your heart and do what you want. when i read the book the first time, i loved this quote, but didn't fully understand it. and after reading it three more times and learning what it is to trust people and to know what it is to do what i want, not because i have thought about it countless times, not because i think other people will like the decisions i make, but because i truly want to do it.

i listened to my heart, and from the very beginning of the note i wrote to when i sent it and kept talking to andrew, i knew i wasn't listening to my heart. and when i finally just listened, i realized that leaving him isn't truly want i wanted. i thought about it too much, i judged it too much. i didn't listen to myself.

i've heard myself now.

i just have to remember that.

i feel... numb.

i didn't even like him that much. i just have to remember that.

i was going to breakup with him anyways. i just have to remember that.

but he told me he loves me. after one month.

he also told me that he's told all of his other girlfriends that. i just have to remember that.

he told me it didn't mean anything. but you shouldn't talk to an ex-girlfriend like that. i just have to remember that.

you shouldn't tell another girl that if she didn't have some stupid rule, things would be different now. i just have to remember that.

this isn't okay. i just have to remember that.

i don't need a man. i just have to remember that.

i'll find someone better. i just have to remember that.

i can't settle for someone i don't love. i just have to remember that.

i'm doing the right thing.

i just have to remember that.

but i feel awful.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


depression runs in my family and through my blood. i can't help but feel depressed right now.

i had such a good week last week academic wise. it's only tuesday and i've skipped 5/8 of my classes this week. i can't seem to stop.

i want to break up with my boyfriend. i know he's cheated on his past girlfriends. and he me he likes me more than the rest, he tells me he can see himself falling in love with me, he says it makes him so mad that he can't see me everyday (not for four weeks) but he doesn't talk to me all day. i don't want to break up with him while i'm still up here because i want to do it in person. i know i'm leading him on... maybe. it seems like he says he's super serious, but then he actually isn't. i've barely talked to him at all since i've been back up here.

tj also depresses me. i know he doesn't try to. but he tells me a lot how he doesn't want me to leave him. and the fact that i'm going to in four weeks depressed me hardcore. and i don't get to see him enough. i had two opportunities to see him today though... i didn't take either of those opportunities.

i want so badly to cry right now. i have 24 days left here. half of me wants to make the best of it, the other half just wants to leave now.

i don't know what to do about anything. i keep skipping class, which i know is only going to make me fall farther behind.

oh, and my room is a mess. like, i do EVERYTHING on my bed. and it's getting kind of bad.

i was thinking about what everything would be like if i didn't do breakthrough. probably super different.


i'm stubborn, i'm sensitive, i'm gullible, and i know it. but i'm not too stubborn, not too sensitive, not too gullible, and do you want to know why? because i love myself. i know who i am and i'm okay with it, which makes everything i do the perfect amount of stubbornness, the perfect amount of sensitivity, and the perfect amount of gullibility. i am who i am and i'm okay with that. i'm not going to change now, and am most likely not going to change in the future. i will not change for you, or you, or you. not for anyone. please stop calling me a slut, a ho, a lesbian, and telling me i have a huge vagina. at first it was funny, and now it's just annoying. that's not me. and i don't appreciate your jokes anymore.

i won't do drumline if you're in it next season. maybe i'll move out to california, do a line there. i don't know if i can handle this again. maybe i'm just overreacting, but i in no way want to get to know you. i in no way want to perform with you. i in no way want to be on any line with you.

i know it shouldn't be about the people, but about the playing. it's hard to focus on playing when there are so many people you don't like or who make fun of you. it's not funny anymore, at least not to me.

and that's all that counts.

i want to feel happy again.

Monday, April 12, 2010

posting this hours after i wrote it.

have you ever been super torn about something? probably. i'm torn about college. about where to live. about going to class. about what's worth it.

right now, at this very second, it's mostly about what's worth it. is it worth it to go to spanish? we have three weeks left and then finals week. i've skipped every monday for the past month or so. at least since spring break, a few before that too. i just counted all my emails. i've skipped 10 times. i skipped twice last week alone. i know i should go, but it's like, i don't need to. i don't need this credit next semester. but i might need it in the future. i'm not really sure what my grade is at this point. actually... i think we might be finding out today... i think i also need to type up a composition i have to rewrite... anyways. i pretty much have 15 minutes to decide if i want to go. well... i need to leave in 15 minutes. so that means i have to eat and get dressed and do my composition before i go. for some reason i want to keep the tradition going. message sent. now i have about an hour and twenty minutes before i have to leave for ceramics.

ceramics is probably my worst class... at first i really loved it, because it was an escape. but, i'm absolutely horrible at it. like, really. and we were supposed to finish EVERYTHING by yesterday. like, we're not allowed to work on anything new, and for the next four weeks we're only firing everything we've made. and i seriously barely have anything. but whatever. i'm so over that class. maybe i won't go today...

not going to class for a hole day makes me feel so lazy. especially when i totally should and really have no reason. i should have stayed in phoenix for an extra day if i was going to skip class.

right now all of the classes i'm in don't seem worth it. i'm going to community college to get a certificate for photography. i don't need any liberal studies for this, so i'm pretty much starting from scratch. i know photography isn't a great career when it comes to making money, so i need to come up with a plan b (and maybe even a plan c). i know i'll probably only realize what i want to do by taking random classes (like liberal studies) that i don't even need. i'm afraid that i'll find something eventually and have to have a four year degree. then i'll go back to college, and if i pass all of my classes now, i'll only have to go back for three years. if not, i'll have to go back for three and a half. is that really a lot more? is that one semester of classes worth it. and i mean, i'm not going to fail all of my classes. i won't fail math, spanish, band, and... hopefully not the rest. i think i have a c in astronomy right now, but we have an exam this week, and a final (that's not online like everything. it's in class, no notes, no internet...). so... we'll have to see how i do in that class. i could very well keep bringing my grade up only to fail the final and class. i think i'm doing better in animal behavior now. but i don't know how i did.

i should be going to ceramics right now. but i'm talking to danielle watching snl and making a bracelet. fuck ceramics. HA. it starts in nine minutes now. i should be on the bus. but i'm in bed. haha. doing the same exact thing. except now i'm watching chelsea lately.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


so... today is a good day. a really good day. this whole week has actually been pretty awesome.

on sunday tj asked if i wanted to go to the library. i didn't, but i went anyways. i got my math homework done and... well that's pretty much it. haha. he asked if i wanted to go on monday night too. again, i went. i started studying for animal behavior, but again, didn't get much done. i went, yet again, on tuesday night. finally! i started getting stuff done and studying for animal behavior. i didn't finish by any means, but i was getting somewhere. last night tj texted me telling me he couldn't go to the library (didn't even know we were going... haha) so i went to study room in my hall and studied for three hours! i got a lot of my animal behavior study guide done (2/3!!) and i did about half of my astronomy homework.

i went to bed around 1:30 and woke up at 8:10. i didn't want to go to spanish, because i had missed two classes out of three this week. but i went because we were supposed to have a quiz (like every thursday). i went only to find that my professor had hurt her back, and didn't feel like giving us our quiz. she gave us full credit and let us leave 20 minutes early. win number one.

i went to the hot spot after spanish. not only did i do the rest of my animal behavior study guide, but i also i made it there before breakfast was over (mini win). i stayed there for almost two hours until i had to go to fitness and conditioning (signing in/out at the same time and leaving). i hung out with halonna and spencer for a while until i had to go to astronomy. tj texted me right after it started and asked if i wanted to get lunch, and i got super sad because i couldn't. i was in there for about thirty minutes when our teacher decided that it was a nice day outside and wanted to leave. the class got out forty five minutes early and i got to go eat lunch with tj, jenna, and jane :) win number two.

we went out to get pizza. it's right off campus, so we figured that an hour would be enough. apparently not. we got our food about 17 minutes before we all had class. we left with about 8 minutes left until class, and i got to my test right on time. win number three.

i'm pretty sure i did amazing on my exam. win number four.

i went to the library to do the math homework i have a quiz over in class today (we pretty much just copy our answers down for the quiz, just to make sure we did it) and when i got here i realized i already did it. win number five.

so yeah. AMAZING day :)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

for the win.

i'm feeling way better about going to mcc next semester. i talked to tj for a while last night about it. he said he came prepared to tell me all the reasons why i should stay at nau, but after hearing what i had to say said there was really no reason for me to come back. photographers are hired based off of their portfolios, and i'm not going to gain anything from staying at nau. i (and by i, i mean my parents) will lose sooo much more money if i stay here. and the only real reasons i would want to would be for marching band and kkpsi...

i'll probably do asu's marching band next semester. i have the time for it, and i don't want to take a season off. i think it'll help me become a better player and help me deal with people i don't like very much (there are a few people on the cymbal line i don't like). i think it will also give me the opportunity to teach, because no one really pays attention to nau's band. but... anyways.

i'm still nervous, but i think this is the right thing for me. i'm scared that i won't be ready. like, i'm going to finish school in three semesters, which is a year and a half from now. i don't know if i'm ready for that. and what if photography doesn't make me enough money? what's my plan b? plan c? i don't have one right now. besides focusing on drumline for the next few years, which i really want to do. i have four more years to do winter drumline. and because i'm not marching this summer, i have two more years of corps. i eventually want to end up on a world class line, so i need to get better.

but i really don't know what my plan b is. i think every semester i will take one class that doesn't have anything to do with photography to see if i'm interested in any of it. next semester i'm taking silk screening, which is AWESOME. i love making shirts (usually i just draw on them with sharpie...), so this should be interesting. it's only one credit, and it's only a month long. it's at nine in the morning... but i'm taking it with alex and dan, so it shouldn't be too bad! i seriously don't know if i would be able to do this though if dan, alex, and trey weren't doing it with me. it was completely coincidence (kind of...) that we all decided to go there, because alex was the only one that currently goes there. dan said it's HUGE and so confusing, but old and really artsy, which i'm looking forward to :) i'm trying to find a job that's near it so that i can work easily. right now i'm looking at vans, gap, old navy and forever 21. i hope one of them works out. i'm seriously going to apply everywhere. and i've seriously never applied to anywhere. haha. i got my last job without an interview. i don't think it will be that easy though...

ever since it became real that i'm going to mcc next year (after my mom told me i was), i've been slacking even more in my classes, but it's weird because i feel like i'm trying harder... but i skipped spanish TWICE this week. i only went yesterday and we have a quiz tomorrow... we'll have to see how i do on it. i also have an exam tomorrow in animal behavior. i actually studied some for it last night and the night before, but i didn't study nearly enough. and i should be studying right now, but halonna asked if i wanted to get food and i said yes. we ended up coming down to south campus because she had to go to an african drumming thing. she said it wouldn't be for very long, but it's been about an hour and a half and i'm still waiting. i should have left... but i didn't want to go back and study. i guess i have my notes and the study guide on my computer... i totally just thought of that. haha.


Monday, April 5, 2010

last night i emailed my mom with my pro/con list for nau and mcc. i didn't say anything else, just sent her the list. even though my pros and cons were equal in quantity, i felt like the pros for nau were bigger and meant more to me than the pros for mcc. and the cons for mcc were more substantial than the cons for nau. so i thought my mom would say, "it sounds like you're having second thoughts, and it sounds like nau is probably a better choice for you." but she actually said, "it sounds like you're having second thoughts, so how about I make the decision for you, sam. i have to admit that i was relieved when you said you wanted to go to mcc. I really don't have the money to send you to nau right now cuz my business is going slower than I wanted. i really need you to work and take cheaper classes while you are trying to decide what to do for a career."

i want to cry, but tears won't come. i've been so sad lately about leaving nau. especially since i feel like my reasons for leaving aren't really good ones. besides the fact that i have no money. maybe now instead of sitting here doing nothing instead of homework i'll apply for scholarships...

just maybe.

i posted this on twitter. because i've been having a hard time dealing with the whole going to mcc thing. spencer is one of my followers, and he goes to nau with me. he's one of my good friends, and he started talking to me on facebook chat about

what random food item would you like me to bring to you now?!
I saw your twitter are you having second thoughts about mocing home?
the world
on a plate
but yeah...
i am
well I thought I'd give you a thought before I went to meditate then sleep
and that is that the the whole point of college is to discover yourself and what you want. Part of it is going to suck because you haven't discovered what you want yet
and in the face of that, the only real option is to keep searching. You should really think not about the decision of whether to go home or stay, but about what you don't like about up here. Really honestly look at what it is you dislike
and ask yourself if those things are things that suck because they suck ie freshmen requirements, or if they are things that suck because you haven't figured out yourself yet and what you really want
I think this place is all about figuring out what you don't like and finding ways to focus on the things you do
and if you bail when you find the things you don't like, and don't stay long enough to find the things you do, then your only letting yourself experience half the jounrey
and you're preventing yourself from real growth.
i know i have a LOT to think about... this kind of helps though
I hope so. I need to go clear my mind and focus. So I hope that whatever you decide, you don't let yourself shortchange yourself. Really make sure that whatever you do is truely the best for you
and that's not always the same as the easiest.
going now
thanks spencer
sleep well
you too!
11:55pmSpencer is offline.

i think this is what i've been struggling with. i made my decision to go to mcc this fall too soon. i'm going to make a pro con list for nau and mcc. i've been meaning to do it for a while. but i'm actually going to do it. now.


1 marching band (i love nau's marching band)
2 kkpsi (i can rush again)
3 seeing all my friends from up here
4 small town
5 small classes
6 i'll actually be starting classes for my major
7 and my minor
8 the weather
9 live with maggie
10 will actually have a four year degree
11 scholarship

1 no motivation to go to class
2 no family
3 driving in snow sucks
4 no winter drumlines up here to be on
5 no winter drumline up here to teach for
6 less jobs to make money
7 cost a lot of money


1 can live at home
2 family
3 already signed up for classes
4 have people to carpool with :)
5 finish college sooner
6 winter drumline closer to be on
7 winter drumlines closer to work for
8 more jobs available
9 less money
10 boyfriend
11 friends

1 hot weather in the summer
2 big city
3 asu marching band or no marching band
4 living at home
5 no nau friends
6 no kkpsi
7 lose scholarship for nau if i decide to go back

so... they have exactly the same amount. AWESOME.

i'm talking to my boyfriend, who goes to asu, right now. i read him all of my pros and cons. he said he has a feeling that i'm leaning more towards nau.

i think i am.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


i've kind of become obsessed with blogging. i have all of mine hidden right now, because some of them are a bit too personal for me to share with the world, but lately i've been blogging a lot. sometimes everyday, sometimes multiple times in one day. like today. haha. this is my second one of today, but i feel like i have so much to say. this is how i get everything i am feeling out. this is how i get everything i am thinking out of my head. well, not out of my head, but i feel better about things after i get it all out.

i still have no motivation to do anything. i haven't done any homework, i haven't studied, i haven't cleaned my room (i reeeeally need to). all i can think about is this summer and the next school year. i have five weeks left of school. i really need to get a job. maybe two. maaaybe three. if i can find three... i've already applied to vans online, which would be SOOO cool. i'll probably apply to kohl's too.

i also want to redecorate my room. if i'm going to be living in it for the next year, i really want it to be different. all of my memories from high school are covering the walls in my room. i have many amazing memories from high school, but i have a lot of memories from people i'm not friends with anymore, and am not interesting in being friends with. i would never want to forget them, but i don't want to be reminded of them every time i walk into my room. i might take pictures of these things, but my trash can is definitely going to be full. i've moved on from high school. yes, i still have some really awesome friends now that i kept from high school, but most of the memories on my walls are meaningless. pieces of pap
er and candy wrappers, random things that most people would call trash. i want to take everything off of my walls, paint them, and put a few select things back up. i'll fill all of the empty frames i have with pictures of my friends. i'm getting a new bed (and by bed i mean new mattress. i won't have an actual bed. ha). but i want to make it more than just my bedroom. especially since i've lived here in my dorm for a while and am used to having a microwave and food and a tv in my room. so i think if i get enough money i'm going to buy a tv for my room. i already have a microwave that's mine, but maybe i'll give it to brianna... i probably won't need it. i probably won't have room for it in my bedroom. but i'm definitely going to have to move things and throw away a LOT. and i want to start NOW. i'm so dooone with this room. my dorm that is. haha. it's sooo messy. at least on my side. it's kind of gross.

i need to start on my homework. but i'm procrastinating
SO hard. i have three exams this week. i failed my last animal behavior exam, and i know it mostly has to do with me not having the book (i ordered it but it fell out of the packaging). but a lot of people failed, so my professor gave us an extra credit assignment. he gave it to us a suuuper long time ago. and it's due on tuesday. i planned on doing parts of it everyday until it was due. that didn't happen. at ALL. i have NONE of it done, and it's due in two days. so... i know we only have two more grades that the class is based off of, and the only other grade that i have is an f. i should do the extra credit, but again, i have no motivation. i know that it's probably not going to help me. i checked out the book from the library, and it's due on tuesday. i've read like, one and a half chapters that i'm supposed to read.

i'm behind in all of my classes. not even joking. astronomy, animal behavior, math, spanish, ceramics, and band. my only other class is fitness and condit
ioning, and i hardly ever go. i can't wait for these next five weeks to be over.

last summer was so amazingly awful, that i really can't wait for this summer. i have an awesome group of friends who i consider family who i know i'll see almost everyday.

i started this blog about an hour and a half ago. i cant even focus on writing this. i've been watching america's best dance crew, which isn't even really a good show. i feel like since i got home this morning i've just been sitting here. i wish i had something meaningful and deep to say about it. but, it's just entertaining. it's a marathon. and makes me with i could dance.

halonna was telling me that she wishes she could sing. and she's sad that she can't. that made me sad. because i've finally realized that i can't do everything, and there's nothing wrong with that. sure, watching this show makes me wish i could dance, but i know i can't, and that doesn't make me sad. i know i'm still struggling with confidence, and i always will. but i finally feel like i know who i am and i'm happy with it.

i changed my picture on here and on my facebook to a picture that i took on photobooth. i was trying to find one to show to maggie, and she saw this one and told me it was really pretty. i changed it because i feel like i look really happy. i don't have a huge smile in my lips, but in my eyes, which shows true happiness.

taking my time.

so... i deleted some of my blogs. because i thought everything was super unorganized, and now i really regret it. it was like, five minutes ago. and i think i deleted about ten posts :( i'm pretty sad about it. i don't know how to organize everything how i want it to be, but i figured, no one reads these anyways, their just for me. i used to write in a journal all the time, and for me i like to do that in private, and when i'm here in college it's a lot harder to write in a journal, so i started writing on here, sometimes multiple times a day. it shows me that i have profile views... but i don't think anyone is actually reading these. i've said a lot of stuff on here that i wouldn't really want anyone to know... but whatever.

i'm not a very good writer, but i like getting things out. it's such a release for me to write what i'm feeling down on paper (or in a blog), especially when it's something i don't want to tell anyone. i've always been like this. i've found old journals that i used to write in in elementary school, talking about random stuff that doesn't even make sense. i used to write stories too, about what i wanted my life to be like. i never really wrote in a journal on a regular basis until i was in seventh grade. i went to bogle junior high, home of the bulldogs. i had almost no friends and no hobbies, but all of a sudden i found a little something in my english class. we started reading absolutely normal chaos in class, and i absolutely loved it. i took it home that night and read until i finished it, at four o'clock in the morning. i crept downstairs and took a notebook from the space in the pantry where we keep all the school supplies, grabbed a pencil and started writing. the book gave me so much inspiration to keep a journal on a day to day basis. i always wanted to write, even when i didn't have much to say. most of the entries are detailing everything that happened in school that day, which boy i liked at the time, which friends were pissing me off. but i could never throw them away. and i'm so sad i deleted some of my posts!!! :( i will make up for it though :)

the past two days almost all i've done is read danielle's blog posts. i started from the beginning (september 2008) and right now i'm at july 2009. i still have a lot to catch up on, but i feel like i'm learning so much about her and about myself through reading these posts. she has the most amazing word choice and is so thoughtful. it was weird to read through things she's told me about, and to really see exactly what she thought and felt about it at the time. she's so completely in love with trey right now, and it was so weird to read posts about her being so completely in love with casey, her ex-boyfriend. and then to read the posts where he breaks up with her and she has the hardest time getting over him. and then to read one (this was before casey broke up with her actually) where her car wouldn't start and two guys she didn't know (one being trey) helped her jump her car (with my cables). it's so weird to think that then she didn't know any of us, and now she's with trey, and best friends with me.

i've been thinking a lot about next year. i've been trying not to think about it, and just let the right decision come to me. because it seems like that's happened a lot to me lately (figuring out what i want to do with my life, deciding to drop kkpsi). i figured that this would come easily to me too. and i thought it did... but now i find myself already regretting it, and not excited at all. i know i'll probably like classes down there better, but i really do not want to do asu's marching band, and i really do not want to take a season off. i'm afraid if i do either i'll end up being super depressed, and i definitely don't want that. i want to be happy, but i know either way, no matter what decision i make, i'm not going to be absolutely happy. i feel like right now, while i'm still in school, there has to be something i do that right now, in this moment, that doesn't make me happy. whether it's going to class at nau, asu's marching band, being away from one set of friends, being away from my family... something is going to make me unhappy. i don't want to be the one to choose, i want someone to do it for me. i know i should probably learn to just do what i want, but sometimes it's so hard for me to figure that out.

last august i felt so unprepared for college. when i left i was so nervous and didn't think i would do very well and didn't think i would even like it. i was wrong. so wrong. and i think the fact that i didn't go home very often kept me liking it. and it was weird, because there were so few times when i actually did want to go home because i was having so much fun here at nau. in the first few weeks it was because of mike. then because of my roommate, halonna, maggie, and so many other people. i guess there's a statistic that says if you go home every weekend in college, you're less likely to go back. first semester, i in no way had this problem. second semester i started drumline down in peoria, and every chance i got, i went home. this was probably a bad idea, because now i don't want to come back.

i'm so torn. i'm trying to make the best decision for me and my future career. i'm trying not to make my decision based on anyone besides me. and it's so hard for me to leave nau knowing i'm leaving behind such amazing people that i've grown so close to over the past school year. the biggest people i will have the hardest time not being around are brianna, maggie, tj and jane. there are others who i will miss, but these people by far the most. but i know i can't make my decision based off of them. i also know that when i am down in chandler, i will be able to (and definitely will) see my friends down there everyday. dan, trey and alex are the biggest. my boyfriend, andrew is also in the phoenix area, and so is halonna. i'm trying to tell myself that i made my decision to go to mcc based on me, and me alone, but i can't help feel that these people influenced me. dan, trey and alex are all going to mcc next year. i'm taking two classes with alex, possibly two with dan, and possibly one with trey. we plan to carpool and to help motivate each other to go to class and do our homework. i think right now none of us have this motivation.

i'm trying to tell myself i'm not taking the easy way out, just a different way. because this decision definitely wasn't easy. i have to do what's right for me. i went to breakfast with my roommate, brianna, and she told me that at least i'm doing this now. i'm figuring out what i want to do at a young age. if i don't like being home, i can always come back. i have time.

i have time. and i'm going to take it.