Monday, February 28, 2011

can i just say that i absolutely hate money?

like, jhrbghjebrh it's pretty much the source of all of my problems right now. i just got a job and will be getting my first paycheck in about two weeks. all of this money will go to my landlord. if it doesn't, she'll sue me. my roommate from flagstaff, who was also one of my friends, is being a dick to me because he's assuming that i'm assuming that he's lying about not calling our landlord about this whole mess. now that i'm sending my first check to my landlord, i can't give it to drumline and the result of that will be not going to california and not getting a uniform (wtf okay...). i told my director there really isn't much i can do, because he's not going to sue me, and my landlord will, and then i'll have to pay a fuck ton more. my best friend is offering to loan me some money for drumline, and all of this put together is just making me stressed. moving home was supposed to be the most cost effective solution for drumline, and now that i have a job, it should be, but no, it's not. i'll be penniless for a long time.

i'm kind of hating the little twists and turns life has been throwing my way lately. they're way too expensive for my taste and i honestly can't wait for the summer when this is all over with.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


my mom keeps telling me to finish bringing in all of my stuff from the garage. it's been a little over three weeks since i moved back she doesn't understand why i don't just move everything up to my room. it's just stuff right?

but i feel like the second i get everything into my room, that means it's real... i can't go back. and honestly, i know i can't go back, even now, with half of my stuff still in the garage. but for some reason, after three weeks, i still don't feel like i live here. it feels like summer break.

i finally got a job and i start tomorrow, bright and early in the morning at 8am. i'm sure this will solidify the whole feeling real thing, because i'll actually be doing something besides what i moved down here to do: drumline.

ahh drumline, it's supposed to be my favorite thing. and in the past, it was. when i would go to drumline all my worries about the rest of the world vanish. school didn't exist, rushing was put on hold. all i could do was focus on playing and marching. this season is different though, because i literally did put everything on hold to be involved in this drumline. i'm taking the semester off from school, i moved home to be closer, i quit the job that wasn't great, but that i liked, i left my new brothers and sisters, and some of the best friends i've ever had in my life. and for what? to go to drumline a few times a week and get completely frustrated with a line that i thought would be something great. i thought i would be challenging myself, working towards something. i thought i would look forward to going to rehearsals, and instead i look forward to the drive there with my friends from high school, aka the only people making this even remotely worth it. after every rehearsal i sit there and vent, mostly just to know that someone agrees with me and that i'm not just crazy. to know that everything i've ever learned about drumline isn't a sham, and that i'm not completely stupid.

i'm still trying to focus on the positives though. as hard as that is sometimes, i know that's the only thing that's going to get me through this season. i'm also focusing on my main goal, which is to get the hell out of arizona. i wish there was an amazing, established, and preferably world class group that i liked located in flagstaff so i could just live there forever, but there isn't. so, hopefully, i'll be out of here by the end of the year. i won't have to deal with the bullshit of another first year group located in the great state of arizona.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

so... even though drumline is kind of wasting my life, i'm surprised that i'm not really miserable here living in chandler yet. it's only been like, two weeks, so maybe that's why. haha. i'm realizing that i do have some good friends down here who are just making things so much easier to cope with.

i'm almost kind of enjoying myself... :P

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


so let me just say, i totally hate looking for jobs. like, jsnrkjhnk absolutely hate it. i hate that i had to quit burger king. i hate that i actually sort of liked working there. i hate that finding a job is so hard. i hate sitting here all day by myself. i hate that my brother and sister think now that i live at home i am their own personal taxi service. i hate that i still have a garage full of crap that i need to get into my room. i hate that i can't throw anything away. i hate that i can't watch psych season 5. i hate that drumline is so damn expensive. i hate that i moved down here for a drumline that won't even be worth it. i hate that i can't predict my own future. i hate that i need so much downtime. i hate that i hate cleaning. i hate that i hate cooking. i hate that i hate working out. i hate that i'm so lazy.



i'm just feeling overwhelmed. i've been home for like, two days and i need to find a job. i want everything to just fall into place like it did when i was in flagstaff. someone just call me and offer me a job. i don't care how much it pays, as long as it's something.