Friday, January 28, 2011

"if i lay here, if i just lay here. would you lie with me, and just forget the world."

technically, i'm moving home today. i still have so much to do, it's kind of crazy. i hate packing. i hate cleaning. i haaaate it.

today was my last day at burger king. would you believe that i'm actually kind of sad my time there is done? i actually really loved the people there. it wasn't the ideal job, but it kept me fed (most of the time) and kept me here in flagstaff. and it wasn't bad. i'm going to miss some of the people who worked there so much. working there was the first time i made friends outside of band. and it was kind of nice having some new friends.

i'm trying so hard to stay positive. i still doesn't seem real.

i've been listening to chasing cars by snow patrol over and over and over lately. i just learned it on piano and i'm not sure why i never really listened to it before this. but, i really wish i could just... forget the world right now. i wish i could just forget everything bad that's going on. everything that i don't want to do in order to do the things i do want to do. i would really like to just lay there and forget the world. preferably in one of the meadows in flagstaff. preferably with no bugs too. haha.

but yeah. erjnhlhltnh is pretty much how i feel now.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

"now i shadow my former self"

i have one week left until i move home.

it feels... i don't know. i really just don't know how to feel. it doesn't feel real.

there's so much i need to do in order to make this work, but less then i would have to do in order to make in work in flagstaff.

i'm a different person now than i was the last time i lived in chandler. i'm a better person, a happier person. i hope i can take everything i learned while in flagstaff about living and happiness and apply it to my life here. i'm going to appreciate everything i have. i'm going to look at all of the positives. i'm going to make new friends and become better friends with the few remaining friends i have down here.

i will live. i will (i reeeeally hope) be happy.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

a brother and friend offered to let me move in and only pay for utilities... i would still have to pay a ton for gas and food, but i think if i kept working about 30 hours a week (totally doable), that i could make it work.

i'm not sure if i would feel bad about it... but i'd have to sleep on the couch and keep pretty much only clothes there... so maybe i wouldn't feel bad. haha.

my hours will probably be getting cut come this week at bk, so i'm going to apply to some more places to see if i can work part time at both bk and another place. i... think i can make this work. if i do, i will have to move home for the summer and possibly fall, but i feel like i can make this work. i don't know when i'll be able to live in flag again and i love it toooo much.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

so i've decided that i make big decision too quickly. i think only of the extreme positives or negatives and forget that i'm a human being and that i might regret these decisions.

i decided yesterday to move home. after seeing the reactions from all of my friends from here, it's really made me think twice. i really didn't expect so many people to be sad about it and i reeeaally didn't expect two different people offering to let me move in with them for cheaper than what i pay now. i still don't think i could make it happen on the salary i make now, but i think i could make one option work if i worked maybe 35 to 40 hours a week. i wouldn't be saving money though...

these are my choices:

1. move home this month. get a new job hopefully within a week or so. save my money.
2. move in with my friend. pay about $250 plus electric a month for rent. pay a lot for gas to drive down to chandler every weekend. miss wednesday rehearsals for drumline. get an additional job. pay for food.

kgsjjkntjhnskjht. i know which one seems more logical.

i'm still thinking though.

Monday, January 10, 2011

i... think i've kind of made a decision. and i think i want to get out of arizona so bad that moving home might be worth it.

plus, for some reason, before this last rehearsal, i thought that this season would only be worth it for the fact that we're going to world. but now, i actually like most of the people on the line. i like the cymbal line, and i feel like coming home might be worth it.

i don't think i'm going to find another job and/or roommate and or/ another place to stay. not in the next three weeks at least. i found a place for my roommate to move into that's cheaper. i just have to tell him... i'll need to find a new job in chandler though...

i realized that, even though i'm not a spontaneous person, i tend to make big life decisions like moving really quickly... i should stop that. but probably won't.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

i'm not sure what to do.

my mom just told me i basically have two choices:

1. move home, get a job here, do drumline, save money.
2. stay in flagstaff, get an additional job, a new roommate or apartment, possibly do drumline, not save money.

obviously, choice one sounds like the better choice, but chandler makes me... soooo miserable. like, thinking about this summer and my life here, just makes me sad. i love my life in flagstaff. the people, the scenery... and just the way it makes me feel - not miserable. i love my life and self when i'm in flagstaff.

i feel so nervous about all of this, because i know i should just move home. i would feel horrible about it, but if i want to make my dreams of marching with an out of state drumline, i need to save up my money.

i need help. i need someone to tell me what to do. someone to tell me it's okay. the one person i need has been too busy to talk to me.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

this... is getting stressful.

i'm not sure why everything is piling up right now, but it's not getting better.

some guy was supposed to move in with us tomorrow, but instead found another place and wasn't really planning on telling us. now my roommate are back to square one, and i'm trying to figure out whether or not moving into a two bedroom would be worth it. either that or i could marry clinton, but... yeah. hahaha.

i also need to find another job. i need to make a ton of money to be able to afford rent, gas and drumline fees. and food i guess. i also need to have free time so i won't go crazy.

i wish something great would just fall into my lap. a new job opportunity, a new place to live, or someone who needs a place to live. new opportunities. just... new things, in general.

half of me is tempted to just move home and deal with the depression that comes along with it, all to save a few bucks. this semester hasn't even started and it's already not going the way i planned for it to go.

i wasn't supposed to do drumline, but it's too late to back out now. plus, i really don't want to back out. i wasn't supposed to be searching for a new roommate. i wasn't supposed to be struggling. i was supposed to be an active brother. taking collegiate band and a few classes at ccc.


i know i can't do everything i want to do all at the same time. something has to be sacrificed. all of this stress is just so much motivation for me to get the hell out of here and go to a better drumline. drumline seems to be what's making everything a mess. and honestly, i don't think this season will be worth it at all. the 't only perks are getting to go to world championships (which isn't even a guarantee yet) and getting to see devon and alan on a regular basis. and getting to perform i guess. haha, i love drumline, but this season is all about transitions, and me working on myself so i can get somewhere.

i guess the most perfect thing that could happen right now would be for my mom to move to flagstaff and let me live with her rent free. for mosaic to be based out of flagstaff so i wouldn't have to travel anywhere.

i'm really looking forward to a year from now. auditioning for an out of state drumline. if i make any of the ones i audition for, then i'll be gone. in a heart beat. i'll find a place to live that's super close to the rehearsal site. i'll work and it'll be awesome.

i've been contemplating where i want to be for the summer. i really do NOT want to go back to chandler, but it would be so nice not to have to worry about rent for a few months. i was thinking of possibly asking my dad if i can stay with him in prescott, but i think i would probably be miserable there too. i'd have to find a good job there and then i'd probably drive up to flagstaff a lot to see t.j. and other friends who are there.

ngkwjrnhtkjnth. i can't have it all. i just don't know what's most important to me right now.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

"if you want to sound wise, go to school. if you want to be wise, go to nature."

i've been reflecting a lot these past few days on how my year was. i wrote an entry about 2010 and everything i learned. i never posted it because i never finished writing it. it was hard for me to finish writing about how much i learned because i kept thinking of new things.

that last thing i wrote it that post was, "i think overall, i just... grew. i grew as a person." when i think back to this time last year, i was pretty happy. and even though i thought i had grown so much and was such a happy person, the beginning of 2010 was just the beginning of a journey. a journey of self discovery, learning, and love. i've never learned so much about life, myself and love before 2010.

i learned mostly that the best learning doesn't necessarily happen inside of a classroom. i've been in college for three semesters now. the first semester was actually really great. i went to all of my classes, got all a's and one b and did all of my homework. second semester started on the note, but i took on too many activities and learned that i needed to slow down. i passed all of my classes, but got b's, c's, and d's. third semester i took on... probably as many activities as second semester. i learned that sometimes you have to drops things you don't want to drop, but third semester i dropped something different... i ended up failing three out of the four of my classes. i got a c in photography even though i didn't even go to the last month or so of class. i learned what it feels like to be disappointed in myself.

i think the biggest thing i've learned though, can be summed up in this quote, "if you want to sound wise, go to school. if you want to be wise, go to nature." it's from a movie called "southbounders," which was actually pretty good if you want to watch it :D anyways, i don't necessarily want to "go to nature," but i think that school doesn't make you smart. sure, it helps you get a job once you graduate, it makes you look better to people who think school makes you look better... but it doesn't really mean anything...

my future has been on my mind a lot though. my 20 before 20 list has been running through my mind too. i don't think i'll accomplish everything on my list, but as of now i'm okay with it. i didn't really set truly realistic goals for myself, and since i wrote it, my priorities have changed.

so, for 2011, i have some goals in mind. mostly to march as much as possible, to get into better shape, to work a lot, and to continue on my journey of discovery. i want to keep learning. i want to keep loving.

who knows, maybe someday i'll turn to nature. it seems so nice to be able to just hike all day. i'm not a fan of peeing anywhere that's not a toilet, so it might not be such a great idea... hahahaha.