last night my mom and i went out to dinner and then went shopping together and we had a really good time. i love my mom and usually she is my best friend. but then every once in a while, like this morning she'll just blow up at me, and i have no idea what brings it on or if she really even means the things she says.
this morning i went downstairs and we talked and everything was fine, and then she left to pick up my sister. while she was gone, i made some eggs, but they ended up being really bad, so i threw them out and started eating cereal instead. i left my pan from making eggs on the stove because i heard that you're not supposed to put water on non stick pans when they're still hot, so i was waiting. so my mom got back and i told them about my eggs being bad and my mom was like, "i need you to put water in the pan after you're done sam, i don't care if it's bad for it, i need you to. i don't understand why you can't just put the damn pan in the sink with water in it." and i was like... well, i'm not even done eating and i already told you why i do it. i'm sorry that sometimes i forget, but if you had just asked me nicely to wash it before i go back upstairs, i would have. and then she got super mad that she has to ask me at all. and then not just about the pan, but about everything. why does she have to ask me to unload the dishwasher? why does she have to ask us to clean the house? so i told her that she should have taught us to be that way, because growing up, we were never expected to just do things. and honestly, i think that it's like this in most households, where the parents have to ask you to do things, especially when it comes to cleaning, even when they get older. she got all mad and then said that i was irresponsible. i am an irresponsible 19 year old.
well shit mom, i am 19. and sometimes i forget to put my pan in the sink. but i have been way better lately. i don't leave all of my shit in the kitchen or in the family room or even in the bathroom. i've kept my room clean while i've been home, and i've been unloading the dishwasher every morning. but i'm not perfect. i'm not a neat freak like you. i don't even like when things are so perfectly in their place. i like some clutter. so the fact that i've been so good should show some progress to you. you have no idea how i was when i lived on my own. yeah i was messy, but as soon as my roommate asked me to do something, i did it.
my mom started talking about how we're all roommates together and roommates all have their assigned things that they do without asking each other. and in my head i was like, ummm have you ever lived with a roommate? especially in a house and not a dorm? because i have and honestly, it was nothing like that. i guess my situation was a tad bit different, but it's like, if you want something done, you do it yourself or you ASK someone else to do it. she's getting all butt hurt that she has to ask me to clean something. she said we were like roommates, but she's the "head" roommate because she is the head of this house. i was like, well, if you're the head of the house, then why do you have an issue with telling us what to do? or just asking us to do something? and she yelled at me that "this is my house and i will run it the way i want."
for some reason, none of this really makes any sense to me. last night she was telling me that she was so proud of me for working almost 40 hours a week. i haven't saved any money yet, but on monday i'm paying off drumline and from then on out i'll be saving a lot. i'm about to get a raise at work too. and then this morning she yells at me for being irresponsible.
if i didn't have to save money for drumline, this would be when i moved out. i would do it, because i know how to live on my own and i know i'm responsible. i do have some things to work on, but when you have a mother who is a neat freak and likes to clean, i guess you start to take advantage, even if it's in the smallest way, like knowing that if you forget to wash your pan every once in a while, that she'll do it for you.
my mom talked to me about a week ago about how lonely i seem. i don't have many friends in chandler and i won't ever make an effort to talk to them. i don't even like spending time with my family anymore. i lock myself away in my room everyday and spend an insane amount of time alone. she said that if i want to go see her therapist, i can. but honestly, i don't think i need to see one. i'm not like, the happiest i've ever been, but i'm also not depressed. and i'm okay with the way things are going for me right now. i'm on a mission, and my mission is to try out for a few different world groups and hope that i am successful at at least one of them. i can't move out now, because then i won't be able to save enough money to even go to auditions.
i think i'm a very responsible person, not just for my age, but just in general. if my mom doesn't agree because i'm not a neat freak like her, then i don't really care. i'll continue to lock myself in my room, i won't go downstairs until she's gone. i'll clean up all of my messes and i'll make it seem like i'm not even here. i won't let her use my car anymore and i'll do everything myself.
i always thought my mom was a good mom, but it's times when she starts getting mad at me for who i am because of the way i was raised, that remind me that she could have done better.