i've never held back tears as many times as i did tonight.

right as the bigs were pinning all the new perspective members i looked behind me at tj. we both smiled in the way that we knew we were both sad. nolan pinned me after that. nolan is my age and is someone who i could have gone through with last year if i hadn't declined the first time i got a bid. he's really good friends with tj.

i'm not really sure what's going on, but tj told me after we both left tonight that there was another change of plans and that he would explain later. i talked to stephanie (nolan's girlfriend) after i got home and she said that nolan had said he was planning on everything being normal with us.

i don't know what's going on. all i know is i have to start setting up interviews.

and i'm getting sicker.

and i really miss tj :(