Wednesday, June 30, 2010

20 before 20. the edited version :)

i'm changing my 20 before 20. i didn't really think about it for very long when i was making it, and i should have. here's my new, revised list:

1. move to flagstaff.
2. make a world line on cymbals.
3. dye my hair.
4. change my style.
5. eat healthy on a regular basis.
6. get another tattoo.
7. get a bike. ride it everyday.
8. make drum corps.
9. choose a career.
10. get another piercing.
11. send a secret to postsecret.
12. take a road trip to california.
13. make new friends.
14. go on a cruise.
15. get a job.
16. work as a photographer.
17. read at least 10 books.
18. get a gym membership.
19. go to the grand canyon for the first time.
20. play cymbals for nau's marching band.

so. this means, that by the end of the summer i need to be in flagstaff, going to either nau or ccc. i can do this. i need to do this. just thinking about it makes me happy.

oh and, i'm on my way to number 15. i had an interview at forever 21 today. obviously if i move to flagstaff i'll have to quit, but at least it's something. i'm think maybe i'll apply to somewhere that has a store in flagstaff so if i were to work there for the rest of the summer, i can transfer.

i changed three of my goals.

my two biggest goals: number one and number twenty. this is something i absolutely need. for me.

oh, and i think i may have chosen a career too :)

"you never really know what you've got until it's gone."

so, in my research last night, i realized that is something i want to pursue, and i might possibly want to become a photography teacher. and a four year degree is something i really want to accomplish. if i went back to nau, i could major in photography and minor in art history.

i went downstairs this morning and my mom said she bawled her eyes out last night when she read my status on facebook about wanting to go back to nau. because she said she can't make that happen.

if i use loans to pay for tuition, i'll be in at least $48,000 worth of debt when i graduate. working as a photographer or even a photography teacher will never pay that off.

i've been thinking a lot about coconino community college. $80 a credit hour. really close to nau. i could be in flagstaff, do nau's marching band, and be happy. i could eventually take classes at nau.

it seems like being here in chandler is the worst part of my life. and the worst part of my life was when i was in flagstaff were the classes i was taking and how much it cost to go to school there. i loved being in flagstaff. and i would much rather go there for the fall semester anyways.

i think if i do stay here this semester that i'll take the season off from marching band. i don't think i'll be able to bear doing asu's marching band. and i know this may sound so trivial to some people, but marching band is my life. i absolutely love it. and i would feel like the biggest traitor to be marching on asu's , in an asu uniform, rooting for the asu football team. i love nau. i feel like i owe so much to the nau marching band. not only for giving me the time of my life, but for helping me find myself. i discovered who i am on that field. i found who i really want to be. i found friends and a life for me, one that i prefer over the one i'm living now.

yes, i have so many things in my life right now that i didn't have then - andrew, my boyfriend, and danielle, my best friend and a few other things. but i was happier in those moments than i ever have been before it started and after it ended.

i've heard the expression "home is where the heart is," and i'm pretty sure i've blogged about it, or at least mentioned it in one of these depressing "i miss flagstaff" rants. but i really feel like i'm not at home anymore. my home was that little room that i shared with the best roommate ever on the third floor of allen hall. i felt safer and happier than ever sitting in that room. i experienced so much happiness, sadness, heartbreak, overwhelming joy, laughter, learning and boredom in that room. i got to know so many people in that room.

i guess i'm also afraid that if i go back, i won't feel that same happiness that overtook me during my first semester. that maybe i never will feel that happy again.

this time if i go back, i'll be leaving something behind. a life. a life that i didn't have last summer. when i left for college the first time, i had nothing holding me back. no emotional ties. it was perfect. i got to start over. now it's different. i have a boyfriend, and some of the weirdest, most random, but best friends i could ever ask for.

but, i know i shouldn't hold myself back because of that. i have a life in flagstaff too. my best friends, the first people i learned to trust, live in flagstaff. my "big brother," the person i look up to the most, lives in flagstaff.

i'm trying to take all of that out. all of the people that are holding me back from making my decision. i'm trying to think of all the time i spent alone in flagstaff. all of the time i've spent alone here.

in flagstaff, i was happier.

i remember walking back from marching band or from ceramics. walking up that big hill on san francisco, and thinking, "it's so beautiful here. i'm happy." i remember my walks in the snow to target to get something trivial like bandaids and thinking, "i love this. so much." and yes, i remember second semester when i was pretty much living part time in flagstaff and part time in peoria and wanted to just go home. but there were so many things that went into that. i was involved in SO MANY activities: 18 credit hours filled with liberal studies and general electives that took up more time than their amount of credits; rushing for kappa kappa psi, which was made up of yet another class, 40 some interviews that had to be done, each an hour plus, and studying time for quizzes we had each week; winter drumline that was not only in peoria (two hours away), but every weekend. so yes, that means that i didn't do homework or interviews on the weekends, i dedicated my full weekend to drumline and nothing else.

this is WAY too much for one person to handle. i don't blame myself for having doubts about coming back. but i changed my mind. and i seriously regret that first decision to not go back. i regret it so much, because if i hadn't have decided, i wouldn't have changed my mind, and my mom wouldn't have told me to change it back. i would still be going to nau next semester. i wouldn't be dealing with this.

i don't know what's going to happen this semester. but i hope i figure it all out soon. i hate being confused like this. i just want to be happy. and i know that sometimes that takes sacrifices.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


i've been thinking a lot about nau. there are so many reasons why i should go back and so few reasons why i shouldn't. everyone keeps telling me i should do whatever takes to go to the school i want to go to. i love nau, and i want to be there. i want my four year degree. i guess i don't really know what i want it in yet, whether it be photography or something else, but i want to at least be able to say that i have it and to say that i've had the FULL college experience, not just my freshmen year.

i don't know if i can make this work. there are so many different aspects that go into college. the biggest, but not actually quite so big: paying for tuition. i would pay $5292 for 12 credit hours. i'm pretty sure i could get a loan for that much. the next biggest thing would be finding a place to live. finding it alone will be hard, but once i did i'm hoping it would be around 300-500 a month. then textbooks and food and gas and fun.

it's so much to think about.

i think if i do go back to nau, it won't be as a photography major. i can probably get my certificate elsewhere (like mcc). maybe over the summer or online. i'm really in no rush for that. i can take a photography class at nau to see how i like it.

maggie told me a few months ago that she looked at every possible major nau has to offer, then thought about what she could see herself doing. before she did this she was a photojournalism major. then she switched to earth science education. she loved the switch.

i wrote down a few things i can see myself having as a career:
photography teacher
elementary school teacher

if i were to major in photographer and minor in art education, i could probably find a job as a photography teacher. i love kids, so that would be like, so ideal for me. but, i think probably the youngest i would ever teach based on when they start offering photography classes is high school or possibly middle school. i was thinking maybe like, an art teacher for elementary school, but i know we always just had parents come in and teach us, no one that was actually qualified.

elementary school teacher is something i just actually thought of in the past few hours. i love kids and actually socialize better with them than i do with most adults. that's kind of sad... haha, but would make for a good elementary school teacher, right? egnjknhjkrtn i'm not really sure. but i added it to my list of possibilities.

psychologist. hmmm... i'm actually not quite sure if i can see myself as an actual psychologist. like, i love psychology, i can see myself liking the major too, but i don't know what i would really do with it after i graduated.

so yeah. i guess i can still explore my options and take some other classes and see if anything sparks an interest into what i want to do with my life.

what i do know is this:

i want to go back to nau.

i have a life in chandler. but i also have a life in flagstaff. so it's hard to choose. the main thing that makes me want to choose flagstaff though: i like it better. i feel more at home there than i do here. so yes, it'll be hard to leave my life here. but i need to do this for me.

let's see if i can pull this together...

Monday, June 28, 2010

trying to be productive.

it sucks not having a job. like seriously, it sucks so bad. there are so many things i want to do with my life, all of which require me to have SOME money. i think there were only three or four things on my 20 before 20 list that didn't cost any money. i feel like i need to be doing something right now. because i absolutely hate just sitting here in this room doing nothing.

i've been sitting here watching hair tutorials all day, and yes, my hair is very cute right now and no, no one is going to see it.

i really want to get this whole photography thing up and running. start a business. get stuff done. have stuff to do. have photo shoots to schedule. photo shoots to go to. photos to take. photos to edit. photos to sell. i want to learn how to make things. i want to actually make a lot. sell them. make money. have a life.

number three on my 20 before 20 is to dye my hair. i haven't in three years. and i'm ready for a change. even just a few weeks ago i wasn't. not even to dye my hair. but now i look in the mirror and want to see something different. i think maybe i'll accomplish my first goal tomorrow. i have some money. i'm not sure what color. probably brown? i don't know. andrew and andrew lopez gave me a "dramatic but less ghetto" starter kit. haha it came with chapstick and kool aid to dye my hair with. i know that'll work better if i leave some blonde in. maybe i'll have like, one little section that i leave blonde or dye blonder so i can change colors? haha. i feel like i sound so dumb right now. WHATE'ER :) anyways. yes. i hope this will be tomorrow :)

number eleven on my list is to move out. and before i made my list i didn't think i would, or would want to, move out before i turned 20. but i really don't want to still be living at home when i'm 20 years old, which is why i put it on my list. so i guess in order to achieve this goal i need a job, so hopefully that will happen soon. i think it will be easier for me to be healthy, mostly physically, if i live on my own. i'll only keep healthy foods in my apartment and i'll get some exercise equipment (eventually) and hopefully be motivated to stay in shape.

i'm going to start cleaning my room. it's a mess and i'm feeling creative. i want to make, but i need a clean environment to do so in :)

Friday, June 25, 2010


it's my birthday :)

and technically, since i was born at 3:36am, i'm not 19 yet, but i will be in an hour aaaand 2 minutes :) (i play that way, haha)

anyways. it's only 2 hours and 34 minutes into the day and so far it's pretty much been one of my better birthdays. i spent my hour with andrew and andrew l singing karaoke. i had to leave though because i'm getting lunch with my mom and aunt today, and didn't really want to wake up early at his house to drive down here. andrew gave me my present though, one of the post secret books :) i'm pretty sure my mom got one of them for me too... oh well. andrew told me not to read it all at once, but i'm doing laundry (i have no clean underwear left... haha) and i need something to do until i go to bed. i love post secret though, so i have a feeling i'll be looking through the book more than once.

yesterday was absolutely amazing. the past two days have actually been really good and filled with birthday fun.

wednesday didn't go quite as planned, but i got to spend the first hour or so of alan's birthday with him. we played video games, talked and drove to albertsons. haha. i was supposed to go with them to the dci show, but andrew got a flat so i picked him up and only saw alan (with devon and aashish) for a few minutes). but it was still a lot of fun :) (oh and i also got to see some friends from nau, including jane, which was awesome because i missed the crap out of her!)

yesterday was andrew's birthday and i spent every single second with him. it's sad that i can't spend every single second of my birthday with him, but i know i'll see him later today :) we spent the night at his sister's so we could go tubing in the river the next day. i bought him breakfast at in and out (his choice) and then spent three hours tubing down the salt river. it really was so much fun! :D andrew l lost his flip flops (slips) but other than that, it was amazing. when we got back to the west side andrew's parents took everyone out to bdubs for dinner which was truly an interesting experience. and i ate SO much! i'm still full.

most people say they don't feel different on their birthdays, and i honestly don't feel any different today than i did yesterday. but today i feel 234398385734 times better than i felt on any of my past birthdays.

happy birthday to me :)

Friday, June 18, 2010

20 before 20.

1. take another ceramics class.
2. make a world line on cymbals.
3. dye my hair.
4. change my style.
5. eat healthy on a regular basis.
6. get another tattoo.
7. get a bike. ride it everyday.
8. make drum corps.
9. choose a career.
10. get another piercing.
11. move out.
12. take a road trip to california.
13. make new friends.
14. go on a cruise.
15. get a job.
16. work as a photographer.
17. read at least 10 books.
18. get a gym membership.
19. go to the grand canyon for the first time.
20. play sousaphone or baritone in marching band.

i turn 19 next friday. then i have one year to accomplish my 20 things :)


i've done pretty much NOTHING for the past four days. my life is pathetic. i don't even have anything to blog about :/

Sunday, June 13, 2010


andrew shane, you know everything i have to say about you <3

Friday, June 11, 2010

somewhere over the rainbow.

somewhere over the rainbow
way up high
and the dreams that you dreamed of
once in a lullaby
somewhere over the rainbow
blue birds fly
and the dreams that you dreamed of
dreams really do come true
someday I'll wish upon a star
wake up where the clouds are far behind me
where trouble melts like lemon drops
high above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
and the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't i?

i learned to play the ukulele today :) well, i guess yesterday. but i've been playing since about 1am yesterday, and pretty much haven't stopped all day. i learned somewhere over the rainbow, and it's pretty much the best song ever. i've been sitting here trying to blog, and couldn't think of anything to write about. i was listening to israel kamakawiwo'ole's version while trying to write. so i decided i'd write about this song.

i think most of us have heard this song our entire life. different versions done by different people and from different movies or shows, but all in all, the song means the same thing. but then again, depending on how you hear it, maybe not. i love finding meaning in songs that i've heard a million times and being able to relate it to my life.

to me, this song is so peaceful. it makes me feel peaceful. the song talks about being over a rainbow, and how everyone there has dreams that you've dreamed of. and there, in this land over the rainbow all of their dreams come true. then he says that he'll wish upon a star, and be in this land, where troubles melt away. the last line asks why he can't dream like them.

i don't know if anything i just said makes any sense. but, pretty much, how i'm interpreting this song, is like, why can't we have big dreams? we totally can, and they can come true. i want to go over a rainbow, where all of my dreams will come true. so pretty much, i'm going for things. this is the only life i have and i have to live it now.

on an unrelated note, i wanted to talk about a post i did last week, the one about who my true friends are. i left someone out, and i'm sorry i did. i realized tonight that we're all friends out of conveniency. it was stupid of me to jump to conclusions so fast. alex is one of my best friends. i can tell him pretty much anything, and i know he's told me a lot too. we all have different groups of friends that we're allowed to hang out with. just because friends don't see each other everyday doesn't mean that they're only friends with me when it's convenient for them. if it was like that, then ALL of my friends would be using me for the conveniency factor. i just wanted to get that off my chest. haha :)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

i'm having trouble blogging today... i know what i want to write about, but i'm having trouble actually saying what i want to say. but that in itself is what i want to blog about. and i guess it's ironic that i want to write a blog about saying what you want to say, but i don't know exactly what i want to say...

why do we expect people to just know what we want? why do things have to be so complicated? they really don't have to be. if you want someone to do something, tell them. if you want to do something, do it. don't beat around the bush, stop hinting at things. tell people what you want.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

"the center of every man's existence is a dream."

my mom told me today that the reason i stress out so much is because i think way too far into my future. i plan and think and discuss and wonder way too much.

where should i go to school? what should i major in? what classes should i take? when should i take them? should i take marching band? what are ALL of the reason i don't want to do it? what are the reasons i should do it? what would i do instead? where am i going to work? am i going to get stressed? should i take a fitness class? how much money will i make if i only get to work a few hours a week? what if it didn't take marching band? would i work more and therefore make more money? would i get fat? will i lose all of my will to continue with music? will i be good enough to make an out of state world line? what out of state world line will i try out for? will i have enough money to audition? what if i make it? will i have enough money to move? will i be able to find a job wherever i go? what about a place to live? a roommate? what if someone goes with me? will i go to school? or take time off? will it be worth it to take time off school? will it be worth it to stay in school? what if i need to make more money so i can do drum corps? do i really want to do drum corps though? and if i do, which one do i want to do? which one am i willing to do? and if i make a drum corp, will i like it? should i play something else? do i have time to learn something else?


it never ends. i want answers. i want this whole waiting for my life to start game to end. i want things to happen. i want to be living. yes, i want to enjoy summer, but i want to know that what i'm doing is right. i know that i think way too much, and maybe it's because i have too much time to myself.

i need to just relax. but it's so hard to "relax" when i feel like that's ALL i've been doing since spring break. yes, spring break. that's when i dropped kkpsi and started sitting my room, relaxing my life away. what i need now is something to do. plans, work, school. anything. i need something to keep my mind off of thinking, something to keep me occupied.

i guess you can me a dreamer, because that's all i ever seem to be doing, but i think lately it's gotten slightly out of hand. i love that i'm a dreamer, but i need to calm it down so i can make my dreams possible.

mysteries lie all around us, even in the most familiar things, waiting only to be perceived."

wynn bullock.

i'm going to bed, but i was thinking, if i ever get a tattoo of a camera (probably for sure happening someday :D), i'll get this quote along with it. wynn bullock was my great grandfather, and he was a professional photographer.

his website.

Friday, June 4, 2010


apparently i'm crazy now.

i'm not trying to read into this, but a friend heard from some people that i'm "crazy now, like bad." i don't know what this means, and i really want to know. i'm not sure who would say this, and what they meant by it, but i want to know.

and i also want to know why people decide to choose when they are your friends. one minute they want to hang out with you, get dinner with you, make funny videos with you, and then the next minute they send a mass text out to all of your friends, but not you. and when you ask why, no response.


when i'm friends with someone, i'm friends with them always, even when all i want to do is be alone, i'll sit there with a friend if they need me. i don't want to deal with this bullshit. and honestly i've been dealing with it from this person since freshmen year. if you think you're better than me, i honestly don't care. just don't call me when you have no one else to call.

over it.

oh, and i'm rally not as mad about it as it might seem from this. haha. i'm just over dumb stuff like this. i know who my real friends are now, i know who i can count on. thank you to those people, i really do truly appreciate you :)

these aren't in any particular order, but i love all of these people so much. i'm only missing one person, randy! i don't have any pictures with him, but every once in a while we talk about the most awesome things, and i feel like he's not one of those people who is fake. if he didn't like to me, he wouldn't talk to me.

so yeah :]] i couldn't ask for anything more in these people.

except for some of them to maybe move closer to me :)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

"living in the past only messes up your present."

i don't what it is that gets me into these moods sometimes.

when i was in psychology, we learned some people are naturally just happy people, and some aren't. good things will bring them up and they'll feel happy, but once that wears off, it's back to feel just... blah. or they're put into bad moods very easily.

i think that's me.

there are some things that put me into... a funk (i watched glee last night). when i get like this all i do is sit here in my room. i have no motivation to do anything except write in my journal or blog. i turn off all my music and sit in silence. when i get like this i think, and i think, and i think, until i can't possibly think another bad thought. i think the reason i like to write is because when i get all of my feelings down on paper i can maybe try to understand why i'm feeling like this, and maybe understand really what it is that i'm feeling. i have notebooks filled to the brim from days like these where i couldn't muster up the courage to leave my room, just laying in bed all day writing all my thoughts and feelings.

it usually doesn't take much for me to feel this way. a mean comment from someone close to me, seeing something that makes me feel rejected, a joke that i didn't think was funny...

it's hard for me to act happy when i'm like this, and if i'm super close to you, you'll know i'm not happy.

i can't stand feeling like this, but it's so hard for me to resist it, to push it aside and say,

"fuck you depression."

i can feel it. i've felt it everyday that i've been home. sure, i've had happy days spent with friends. i've enjoyed most of my time being home. but i can't seem to shake this feeling.

the feeling of not belonging. not with my friends, i feel like i belong there (for once), but with my family. i still feel like i'm intruding on this nice little life they made for themselves while i was gone.

they don't need me anymore. they learned to live without me.

i need a job. and the fact that i haven't found one yet depresses me.

i want to do marching band because i love everything about it. i don't want to be doing it just because i think i should.

i want to be able to live.

i feel trapped. in this bed. in this room. in this house. in this city. in this state.


you know the saying, "home is where the heart is?"

i feel like i left my heart somewhere. and i'm pretty sure i know where.

if only i could go get it...


i've been realizing how much i want to do with my life. and i want to do it all, and i want to do it now. i know that doing anything right now is pretty impossible, due to the fact that i have NO money whatsoever, and no job so far. everyday i plan on calling all of the jobs i applied to, and everyday i usually don't, or i only call one. tomorrow, i will FOR SURE call all of them. i'm promising myself right now. i WILL (hopefully) get an interview, and hopefully a job. alex's mom is also going to help me get into mystery shopping, which seems so perfect for me. haha. she said that all i have to do is come over and she'll help me get started. so maybe i'll do that tomorrow too. if not, friday for sure.

anyways. andrew and i were talking about all of these things we want to do together, and it got me thinking about what i want to do. all of the things. and i wanted to make a list of all of them. well, not all, but some. mostly because i don't want to forget, but these are all things i really want to do during my lifetime, and i hope that before i die, i don't regret the life that i lived, and i hope i love all of my crazy, outlandish, amazing memories that i will soon create for myself.

these aren't in any particular order, just the order that i thought of them.

go on a cruise with andrew to the caribbean.
vacation in europe.
visit iceland.
be on a drum corps.
play another percussion instrument besides cymbals for a drumline.
march a top world line, preferably music city mystique.
redecorate my room.
move out.
get married.
have a family.
finish college.
make a living off of photography.
get into fashion photography.
be a wedding photographer.
figure out something else to major in so i can go back to nau someday.
visit flagstaff (soon :D)
figure out how to possibly get into underwater and ocean photography.
study abroad.
sell something on etsy.
travel to africa.
go on a cruise with my family.
direct a film.
make a vlog with andrew.
make a vlog with alex (bomdigity!)
have time for myself.
have time for my friends.
get a job.
have my own photography company.
go to hawaii.
have a closet full of clothes i like.
buy my own house.
have enough money to travel. everywhere.
live in boston. if anything, just to experience it.
go to the gym everyday.
eat healthy everyday.
live in a small house or apartment.
work as a cymbal tech.
be positive and happy, everyday.

in my head this seemed like way more than it did writing it down. but looking back, this is kind of a lot. where am i supposed to find the time to do all of this?! but if i do this all NOW, what will i do thirty years from now? nothing?!

for now, i guess i need to start living my life to the fullest, so i'll never regret anything i do or don't do. and this definitely easier said than done. i wish i could take a break from life to do this. like, so that i wouldn't miss anyone, wouldn't be missing out on a season of marching, or on a semester of school, so that i wouldn't be spending all of my money. but i guess that's a part of life. and doing things like traveling and spending money in order to do what i want is all a part of experiencing life.

i want to experience everything life has to offer. well... mostly everything. ha.