Saturday, December 31, 2011


in 2011 my life changed for the better. i'm happier, healthier, and full of life. the year blew past me and i have a hard time believing it's almost over. i've been trying to think of ways to describe how this year has been for me, what it's meant to me, and i'm coming up blank. i'm living out one of my dreams, learning to appreciate what i have while i have it, and starting to live my life to the fullest.

i can't wait for 2012. there's so much to look forward to. this will be a year of firsts, and hopefully my best year yet.


Friday, October 7, 2011

good things must come to end

i know that's an overused saying, but it's what i've been thinking about lately. i hate change, especially when i'm not ready for it. i think i hate it because something good is coming to a close, and i have to find something else that's good. and the fact that the future is so unknown scares me.

i don't want to move to california. i like what i have going on here too much. i like my job, my family, my situation. but i have to move. moving is what i've been preparing for for the entire year. i can't turn my back on my goal.

a few weeks ago i was having doubts about drumline. i kind of hoped going out to pulse would be awful and i would hate it so i could just live at home for a little longer. so things wouldn't have to change. but, to no surprise really, i went out to pulse auditions and absolutely loved it. i'm so close and it makes me so nervous, but being there and playing is like a dream, it's so surreal. i need to move to california, and i need to move out there now. at least in the next few weeks. this means getting a new job, a new apartment, a new roommate, a new life.

i had doubts because i wasn't sure if i was ready to leave. i still don't know if i am. maybe i'll never be ready. financially, i'm ready. physically, i'm almost ready. emotionally, i have no idea. i've lived in arizona for almost my whole life and hated it. this past year was different though, i grew to love arizona, especially chandler. going out to california has made me appreciate arizona even more.

i've been procrastinating on looking for a job and a place to live out there. for one, i'm waiting to see if i actually did for sure make the line, and then to see if my friend makes their open line. he won't know for two weeks, and i don't know if i can afford to wait that long to find a place... i need to find a job. i was hoping i could transfer to the one tropical smoothie they have out in southern california, but everyone tells me not to move to that city because i'll hate my life when i have to drive to drumline.

i might ask my grandparents if i can stay with them until i find a place to stay and a job. i'm sure they would say yes, i just don't know how living with them would be...

anyways. time to start talking about it and to start doing it, right? ughhh.

(i'm actually really really excited, this is just my scared rant about it... :P)

oh, also, i was going to write about how good things come to an end and how i've realized it or whatever so now i'm trying to live life to the fullest and appreciate everything while it's happening so that i have great memories to look back on when it's over.

yeah all that sappy stuff.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

this is it.

i'm running out of time to prepare myself. i don't know if i'm good enough, i don't know if i'm strong enough. i do know that i'm as ready as i'll ever be, i have the money, the experience, and most importantly, the passion. i've never wanted anything more in my life at this point.

i'm getting worried. i can't eat i'm so nervous. i've been nervous for all of my other auditions, but once i got there i realized i didn't really have any competition. i hate that that sounds so conceded, but it's true. i've never really been to a real audition where i know everyone there is going to be just as good as me, if not better. i've been to auditions where there a few people i know are just as good or better than me, but i've never had to worry that i wouldn't make the line. now though... now it's different. everyone is my competition. everyone there will be working just as hard as me, will want it just as much as me, will have just as much passion as me.

maybe not though. i honestly have no idea what it will be like and that scares the absolute shit out of me. i can only hope that everything goes smoothly, that i at least learn something and have a fun time, even if i don't make it. i'm going to try my hardest to put myself out there and do the best i possibly can. but i really just don't know what to expect, and i wish my butterflies would go away.

it's hard to be confident when you've never been to an audition that really means something. my first ever audition turned out to be me competing against no one, having more knowledge about marching cymbals than everyone who came. i ended up being not only the section leader, but the tech as well. my second audition i was nervous for, but there were only a couple people there. i wasn't really sure if i was strong enough or whatever, but i'm positive i would have made it had i gone back. sometimes i wish i did, because the third place i auditioned for... was almost a joke, looking back on it. my third audition was right after my second audition, and there were about 13 people there. there was one person who was really really good, and the rest were almost all high school kids who had never really played before. i remember being excited to find out i made it, but one of the only reasons i actually did it was because it was about $1000 cheaper than the other line (not even exaggerating). the cymbal line was... all right. not good really. i had fun sometimes, but it was really just a dramatic season. my fourth audition i competed against 2 other people, one of which was my high school tech, and the other was a student from another school who was also taught by my high school tech... so it was all kinds of weird. i didn't end up going back to that drumline until after auditions were over, and i made the line anyways.

so yeah, i wouldn't say that i've ever really had a "real" audition. nothing that counted, nothing that wasn't for sure. nothing that would change my life if i made it.

i don't really know what else to write besides the fact that i really hate feeling nervous, and that hatred is probably the reason i haven't done anything like this before... i've never done something this huge. i mean, i guess in certain ways i have, but this is so huge for me.

all i can think about is myself, doing the best that i can, and having a good time. because at least if i don't make it, i'd like to remember it as a good experience, not a random audition that didn't mean anything to me.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

auditions for drumline are this weekend. and i have no idea if i'm ready. i've been working my whole year towards this weekend, towards this season. saving up my money and working out a lot. i know i've slacked up the past month or so, but all of my previous efforts have done a lot for me.

at the beginning of this year i lived in flagstaff. i was unhappy because there really was no reason for me to be happy. in flagstaff, sure, i was at least in flagstaff. but i was working at burger king and i wasn't marching. i was growing apart from my friends because i wasn't in school. i couldn't get over the fact that i wasn't marching. i decided to march. and then i decided to move. when i moved home i didn't have a job, i was stuck marching a drumline i hated, but that i had moved my whole life for. when i finally did get a job all of my money had to go somewhere - my landlord and then my drumline director. i decided before the season was over that i couldn't do another drumline like this. i couldn't keep doing this to myself.

i started working out. my favorite cymbal line and drumline was doing really well and it motivated me to audition for them this year. i thought about it nonstop everyday, while i was working out, while i was working, while i was sitting around, while i practiced, while i did everything. i imagined myself on the line, i imagined myself moving, i imagined myself immersed in a good line and absolutely loving it.

and then it hit me... i'm not good enough for that line. how could i be? i'm just an arizona girl with a big butt and not much muscle. i'm lazy and i've never been on a good line. i started giving up subconsciously. i avoided getting into new tv shows or books all summer, because i knew it would take away my focus, but i let myself slip. i started rereading all of the harry potter books. it took me 2 weeks. and for two weeks the only working out i did was occasionally running. after i was done though, my motivation was gone. my dreams had been shattered by the realization that i would be slaughtered at auditions. i kept reading different books. i started watching movies all the time. i stopped working out everyday.

i started thinking about a different drumline. they aren't my absolutely favorite, but they're just as good. their cymbal line is good, but the technique is more like mine, so i thought i'd have a better chance. i decided i'd go out for their line instead. but i felt nothing. no excitement, no nerves, no motivation. just nothing.

this weekend i emailed someone who auditioned last year to see what auditions were like, because i had no idea what to expect, and once i got that reply, motivation came crawling into me. i only wish i had asked her sooner, but it doesn't really matter at this point, because now i'm excited and motivated and nervous.

whenever i daydream about it or think about it or whatever, i always think about me making it. i mean, it's probably not healthy to sit there and think about not making it... honestly though, i don't know if i expect myself to make it or not. sometimes i forget how good the line actually is. i watched videos of last year and thought, "wow, i'll never be that good..."

i have people telling me that of course i'll make it, or that i'll at least make a good world group, even if it isn't this one. but then i hear the way people talk about others who are auditioning for equivalent groups, and how could i possibly think after that that everyone who says i'll make it is being truthful to me? i hate to think that people would lie to me about it, but why would they tell me to my face that i have no chance?

a coworker was trying to tell me that i should have nothing to worry about because of how long i've been doing drumline. i've been marching for 6 years now, which is actually a lot more experience than most. but i know that people make really good lines with no cymbal experience at all, so i'm sure they base the audition on how fast you learn. i'm a fast learner, but can i learn as fast as these people, especially when i'm already experienced?

i guess this is just a rant on how nervous i am for this weekend. i know i need to feel confident, but it's hard when i have no idea what to expect from this audition. i've never really had to audition against good people before, i've never had to worry i wouldn't make a line. i've never had to prepare like this.

i feel like i'm not prepared. this past month or so that i slacked off really kind of killed me, but at the same time, i've been preparing all year for this, so that month really hasn't done that much in hindsight. i guess i really won't know until i go and see what are auditions are like.

when i sat down to write this post, i actually was going to write about this summer and how i've changed. a reflection post. i guess since this post is already really long, so i guess i'll summarize.

i've changed a lot this summer. i've actually spent a lot of my time with people who are younger than me, but they've helped me grow in so many ways. i'm still the same me, i don't smoke or drink or party, and i'm still not really very social. but, in a way, they've helped me realize that it's okay. it's okay to be myself.

i've been trying to think of other things they taught me... but they didn't really teach me many lessons i guess. they just helped me grow as a person, to be more open minded. the girls i worked with were the first friends i ever really made outside of band, friends who had nothing to do with band or music. i had to force myself to be able to talk about other things, because before i never could.

i think other than helping me branch out, they helped me be happy with my life how it is. which is one of the reasons i stopped thinking about drumline. i stopped thinking about my future for once, yeah i didn't think i was good enough, but for the longest time i think i knew i wasn't good enough, but i dreamt anyways. i needed somewhere to go in my thoughts that wasn't here. i needed something good to think about when my life wasn't all i wanted it to be. but they helped me, without knowing, realize how great my life is right now. they helped me to live in the moment and stop obsessing over my future.

i was so happy here, am so happy here, that i even started thinking that maybe i wouldn't go out of state for drumline. maybe i wouldn't do drumline. maybe i'll just stay and do what i've been doing. but like the saying goes, all good things must come to an end, and a lot of the girls i used to work with don't work there anymore. there are new people, but for some reason, i still feel happy about it. i love my job. i love the people i work with.

i still don't really know if i'm ready to move. i've created a life here in chandler. a happy life where i have a job and a place to live and friends. i've had to start my life over so many times in the past couple years. moving back and forth from flagstaff to chandler was exhausting because i always had to start over. find a place to live with a roommate i don't know and find a job and find friends. it's scary for a girl who doesn't like change. and now that i am happy where i am, how could i possibly pick up and move again? this is what i've been working towards, what i've been living for, and now i don't know if i even want it.

maybe part of me doesn't want to regret not doing drumline more than i want to do drumline. i also know that when i get to auditions and see what it's really like that i'll forget everything and want to move there in a second. i've never been on a good line. and i want more than anything to be on a good line. i love playing and marching and performing. i love it, and i can't see myself not doing it. this is something i'm so passionate about... i can't forget anymore.


Sunday, August 28, 2011

i love my brother. i really do. i admire the way he will tell you how it is and tell you whatever he's thinking straight to your face.

my mom kicked him out. just now.

i heard them yell at each other for about 15 minutes. and then he left. he tried to take my sister with him, because apparently my mom was scaring her. my sister's still here, but my brother is gone.

the past few months have been weird. my mom has been overreacting to everything, even to the point where all of us kids think she's being irrational, which is something she has never been before. she's yelled at me more since i moved home then ever before, even though i'm more responsible, more clean, and more secluded in my room. i have a job, i save my money, and i normally clean up after myself. i wasn't this grown up even last summer, and i was never like that in high school.

my siblings and i have made such an effort to make her happy, and it seems like none of it has been appreciated.

my brother, sister and i have been talking a lot lately about my mom. we think she may be going through menopause, but she denied this while my brother was yelling at her...

so i guess it all started tonight when my brother got home from our dad's. he took my sister to target to buy some things and then picked me up from work. he called my mom to tell her they were waiting for me to finish. i'm not sure what he told her, but i guess she got kind of annoyed, so he asked her why she had been getting so mad lately, and she started going off on him, so he hung up. when we got home, i went into my room and i heard her tell him that he is not allowed to borrow her car anymore. then all of a sudden they were yelling and cursing at each other. i think the gist of the fight was that my brother doesn't respect my mom, or our house or whatever, but that my mom doesn't respect us either. she's taking things away from my brother, like his phone and car privileges, which doesn't help him find a job. my brother asked if she was on menopause or something because she's been a bitch lately, and then she yelled that he had to get out. she tried to call my dad and tell him to come pick up my brother by tomorrow morning. then they yelled at each other more. my brother tried to leave with my sister because she was scared and didn't want to be here.

i think my brother could have handled things differently. but my mom could have handled them differently too. my mom denies being in menopause, saying that the stress of not having money is making her this way, but honestly i think it's both. last year, she never would have been like this. i can't believe she just expects my dad to come down here and get my brother. i have no idea if he will, but my dad lives two hours away and has a full time job.

my brother wrote me a note and put it outside of my room where my mom wouldn't see it. it says, "i'm sorry i had to start this."

i feel all of my happiness that i've had over the past few months quickly escaping. i feel almost empty without my brother here. he's only been gone a few minutes, but i can't believe my mom would ever do something like that. all because my brother was trying to ask why she was being so different lately.

after he left i could hear my mom talking to my sister. she thought my sister was on her side. she thought wrong. i could hear my mom complaining about my brother and wondering why he was being like this, and then my sister saying she didn't want to talk to my mom because she agrees that my mom has been extremely rude to us the past couple months.

there was one moment before my brother left when he said my mom would be sorry when all of us moved out on her.

i hope he's right. because i think it will happen soon. i'm leaving in a couple months for drumline. if i don't make an out of state drumline, i'll move into my own apartment. i'd let my sister stay there whenever she wanted. if my mom stays like this, i can see my sister wanting to move to her dad's house again though. i wouldn't blame her.

i miss my brother. i miss my mom. the way she used to be. the loving, tolerant, successful, accepting mom that i used to have.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

for the first time ever, i like where i am, and i kind of don't want to leave. not even for drumline.

if i make a world drumline though, i'm for sure outtie. but if i don't, i'm staying, which i never thought i'd say.

i never thought i could be happy in chandler.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011


this year has definitely been a new experience for me. never have i focused so much on goals and worked to save my money and be healthier. summertime is usually when i gain a couple pounds, not lose 10 pounds.

at first everything was so easy. i had more motivation than ever to get in shape and lose weight. i exercised everyday, started running 3 or 4 times a week, and thought about my goals the whole time. i stopped eating unhealthy foods and felt great.

in the past couple weeks i've realized that one of my goals isn't exactly... obtainable? or that it probably isn't. my main goal this year was to audition for music city mystique, and seeing the progress i've made is great, but it doesn't seem like it's enough. now that my time is running out, and auditions are getting sooner, i'm thinking more about other drumlines than i was about mystique. mystique's auditions are so late in the year and others are so early, that if i were to make another line, i would feel bad about auditioning for mystique too. i have no idea if i'll make another line, but if i can't make another line, i probably can't make mystique...

anyways, now that i've realized that mystique is kind of out of reach, i've stopped being motivated. i'm going to audition for pulse, and i really like pulse and will be so nervous/excited to audition, but something about it just isn't motivating me to work harder.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

as excited as i am for the upcoming season of winter drumline, it's slightly unsettling. in the past i've always known which drumline i would be doing. i never had to make huge plans for auditions or for the season.

i decided i don't want to do drumline in arizona anymore, which means i need to go out of state. all year i've been preparing for this, and it's still what i want. but i'm finding it hard to think about leaving, because i actually really enjoy my life here right now. i love my job and the few friends i have here.

i'm trying to figure out if it would be cheaper to live in california or just drive there every weekend... i think it's cheaper to live there, but when the possibility came into my mind i was like, "I CAN HAVE BOTH!" hahaha

i hate the uncertainty of where i will be in a few months times. i guess it all depends on whether or not i even make a line... because if i don't make an out of state line i obviously won't move at all. but that's my goal, so i'm not going to think about the possibility of me not making a group... haha i probably shouldn't but whatever. i don't like i don't know where i'll be, if i'll be able to find a place to live, or if i'll be able to find a job. there's a tropical smoothie about 30 miles away from where pulse rehearses, which is totally not bad. but they would have to let me work there... maybe i'll call them after auditions if i think there's a possibility of me making it. or if i make it... haha.

i wrote this last night and i never finished but now i don't know what else to write so

Thursday, August 18, 2011

fathers, be good to your daughters.

my dad texted me this morning about my car. at the end he added, "i miss you." later that day i learned that he texted my brother about something else, but also saying that he missed him. then at dinner my mom said he texted her that morning, telling her how much he misses me and my brother.

my relationship with my dad is kind of a sore subject for me... it didn't used to be. i was actually a huge daddy's girl when i was younger. i barely have any pictures with my mom, but i have so many pictures with my dad. when my parents got divorced, i still loved him more than anything. i wanted to live with him, and i looked forward to every weekend i spent with him.

after a couple years though, i started to grow up. i realized that i didn't have very much in common with him. and the things we did have in common are what kept us from being close.

my dad doesn't always speak his mind, but when he did, for some reason it always seemed to hurt me. he used to make comments to me and my brother about what we ate, what we wore, what we looked like. as a kid, all either of wanted to be was accepted. at my mom's house, we got that everyday - acceptance. my mom never told us who to be or what to like. she let us have our own opinions and let us do what made us happy (within reason of course). but my dad thought that anything out of his norm, or anything that would other people think less of us, was wrong. he would ask me when the last time i washed my face was, whether i really needed another serving of food, whether i really liked the clothes i was wearing, or the way i did my hair, or if i really thought that what i was wearing was pretty. he would criticize my brother for not liking the same things as him, for going on the computer too much, for wearing the clothes he wore, for eating what he ate, for growing his hair long. everything. he was pretty subtle about it, but when i got into my early teens, it really started to bother me.

after high school started, i stopped going to his house as often. marching band kept me from having a consistent schedule, so i went when i could. whenever i was there, i sat in my room all day. every weekend i would ask if we were going to do anything, and he'd always say no or ask if i wanted to do anything. he would ask what i do at my mom's house on the weekend. and i'd tell the truth, that i do pretty much the same thing, watch tv. but, at my mom's house we have one tv in our family room, and we all watch it together, and my mom let us watch whatever we wanted. whenever i tried to watch tv with my dad, i always had to watch whatever he wanted, and i never wanted to watch what he wanted. so i stayed in my room most of the time. after a while the only reason i went was because i thought i had to.

since i've started college, i've only seen my dad when i made the effort to go see him. i can count on one hand the amount of times he's come to see me since then, and i'd still have fingers left over. and every time he has come to see me, it's because i had to ask him if he wanted to come. after a while, i felt like i was the only person putting any effort into our relationship, and i knew i shouldn't, but i kind of stopped for a while.

last summer my mom and i had a long talk about my dad. about how when i was a baby, he wouldn't even realize i was in the room until my mom told him i was. about how she always had to make him put an effort in when i was younger. it made me mad that i always thought i was so close to him when i was younger... still kind of makes me mad.

my first semester of college, i was going through a slightly rough time one week. everything was just kind of going wrong and i was homesick. i still hadn't made very many friends, so i was alone on a friday night. i decided to watch my sister's keeper. and i'm just going to put it out there that i'm not a very big crier. when i do cry, not very many tears come out, and i really don't know why. even when i want to cry, it usually just doesn't happen. and up until then, i had only cried while watching a movie one time. anyways, so yeah the movie was sad and all, but whenever the dad would do something nice for the daughter, i'd start bawling. and at first i had no idea why, but i couldn't help it. it happened every time the dad was in a scene. for the next couple weeks, it was all i could think about.

and then i realized that i missed my dad. not just because i was in school and away from my family, but i missed him because he hadn't really been in my life since i was little. technically he was, i saw him every other weekend for almost 15 years, but i felt so distant from him for so long, that i just missed him being a dad.

you know, the reason i joined marching band in the first place was because he convinced me to. and all he had to say was that he had done it in high school and that he liked it. i joined so that we would have something in common. he came to a lot of my competitions and some football games, but other than that we didn't really talk about it. and now that i've continued on with it after high school, he doesn't understand. he doesn't try to help me like my mom is. he's cutting off my child support and isn't going to pay for my car insurance because i'm not in school anymore, even though i'm taking time off from school to save money for drumline. he doesn't understand why i would put my life on hold for drumline, why i would pay so much for it, even though he himself was in drumline. of course, they didn't have winter drumline when he was in school, but still. and honestly, i don't think i've told him how much it means to me, and that i'm putting my entire life on hold to be able to march for the next three years.

on my birthday this year, i asked if he would come up to flagstaff to have dinner with me. i could tell he didn't want to make the drive, but he came. and i had such a hard time appreciating it for some reason... it should have meant the world to me that he actually came. he actually put in an effort. but he didn't sit by me, he didn't even really talk to me. my mom told me that he said he remembers the day i was born like it was yesterday. but still, he doesn't put in much effort to talk to me, or even get to know me. he knows who i was when i was little i suppose, but i've changed so much since then.

a couple weeks ago the registration on my car expired and he kept telling me i needed to give him all this information like record numbers and stuff that i didn't have. he finally called me and said that i needed to renew my registration myself, and that he's going to put the title in my name soon and that i would have to start paying my own insurance. we talked for a little bit, but i was just getting frustrated because i'm trying so hard to save money, and if i have to start paying for a bunch of stuff, all of my money will be gone. the next day though after he called me, he said that he got an email about my registration and that he took care of it. i thanked him and we were very polite and what not.

anyways, the whole point of this is that every time i read or see anything about good father/daughter relationships, i can't help but cry. my dad isn't a good dad because he doesn't know how to be a dad. he doesn't know how to be there for me when i need him, and he doesn't know how to be there just because. he doesn't put in much effort, but i know that if i stop putting in effort, we'll never talk to each other. i honestly hate putting effort into relationships that seem too one sided, so i usually stop putting effort in when the other person does as well. but i have to keep reminding myself that this isn't some random person, it's my dad. and i don't want him to not be a part of my life.

so i'm going to be the better person. i'm going to be a better daughter than he has ever been a father. and i'm going to put in some effort. his birthday was a couple weeks ago and all i did was text him... maybe i'll send him a late present... i have no idea what kind of things he likes anymore.

also, i hope whoever i marry is the best father any daughter or son could ever have.

Monday, August 15, 2011

it's been a while

i can't believe it's been so long since i posted on this blog. on a whim, i opened it up today, had to sign in (proving that it's been a long time since i've been on, since it always just remembers me...), and then looked at my feedjit live thing. a lot of people have been on my blog lately? haha more than normal at least. i even got another follower... hi by the way :D

anyways, i've been using tumblr so much lately that i've forgotten about pretty much everything else in my life. i don't really use facebook anymore, i obviously haven't been on here in a long time. but, i felt it was time to come back to my blogger, at least for a little bit, to write everything out like i used to. i'm not the best writer, so i'm sure this isn't what everyone wants to read, but writing helps me get everything out, helps me feel better about different situations, and i feel like it's been a while since i sat down and wrote out an extremely long rant.

first off, i saw this picture on tumblr,

and thought about how this is so wrong for me. some of my summers have stories, but most of them are completely boring and can be told in a couple of words. last summer... was horrible for me. a summer filled with nothing but misery and longing to be somewhere else, someone else.

the story of this summer, kind of starts in november of 2010. i stopped going to school and was focussing on work and rushing for my fraternity, kappa kappa psi. there was some drama, but all in all i was pretty happy. i thought i had grown so much in the year coming up to then, and i had. but i had no idea what would come in the next few months for me.

i got into my fraternity, i signed up for classes for the next semester, i came to terms with the fact that i would not be doing drumline for the first time since 2006. i was in flagstaff and i was happy.

but then for some reason, i started to change my mind. i wanted to do drumline so badly, but i knew i shouldn't. all the growing up i had done didn't seem to make it okay for me to stop marching. i had so many dreams for myself, and i felt like taking the season off would completely squash any hopes for a future in the marching world. i emailed a few people, i started weighing my options.

my options were these: 1. do drumline in chandler, live in flagstaff, work about 60 hours in 4 days so that i can afford everything. 2. stay in flagstaff, not do drumline. 3. do drumline in chandler, move home to save money.

i chose number 3. even though i had offers from my friends to let me live with them for extremely cheap, there just seemed like no way out of being able to afford drumline. i had already told the director i would be there. i had already committed myself. there was no going back on my word to him.

i spent my last month in flagstaff, being miserable. my roommates moved out, my friends were all away on winter vacation, my big brother was too busy to see me most days. i left right after the semester started and didn't get to see many of my friends.

moving home after living on your own is the weirdest thing. my brother and sister were used to having me gone. i guess it was worse last summer, because when i left for college i was quiet, unconfident, and untrusting of anyone and came back confident, loud, sarcastic and with a new understanding of love and trust. coming home this time was different though, it wasn't just for the summer, or just until i realized what i wanted to do, it was in the middle of the school year and it was for an indefinite amount of time. i had a purpose though, to save money and get ready for the next season of drumline.

i was always thinking of my future, always am thinking of the future. i dealt with some of my issues when i got home, and wasn't as miserable as i thought i would be. i got a job and had friends in drumline, no matter how much i hated some of the people in it. i could have been happier, but my plans for the future, the few friends i had, and the fact that i was finally making money kept me going.

when drumline ended, my first free weekend was spent in flagstaff. i told everyone how chandler wasn't actually as bad as i thought it would, that i was actually happy there for the first time. as soon as i went home though, a wave of depression hit me and i couldn't help but feel like i was alone in the world.

i stopped spending time with people. i went to work, the one thing that made me somewhat happy. i spent all of my free time in my room, alone. my mom noticed because i wouldn't even spend time with my family. i didn't eat with them, i didn't sit around with, i preferred to spend my time by myself.

i started working about 40 hours a week around this time. i took any shift anyone ever asked me to cover and i finally started to really bond with my coworkers. i felt like work was where i belonged, because no matter who i worked with, i always had fun. sometimes i never wanted to leave work because i knew i'd be going home to sit in my room and do nothing. i got tired of being so lonely. i got tired of spending every night alone. i tried to reach out to my friends from high school. i even tried hanging out with new people, only for it to happen once, and not again.

my twentieth birthday came. in all honesty, it was pretty bad. i was so excited in the days leading up to it. i made plans with my friends and my family. when the day finally came i tried so hard to be optimistic, but i was let down all day. all of my friends cancelled on me, except for my big brother, who only came to dinner with my family because i guilted him into it. i felt like crying all day long. i'm still convinced that birthdays will always be horrible for me.

when i got home i decided to start doing more towards my drumline goals. i started running. three days after my birthday i went running for the first time with two of my coworkers. we started slow, only running for a minute at a time, and then walking for 2 minutes and repeating that 7 times, but i had so much fun. i started going running about 3 times a week with my coworker kelli, and we've been going ever since then.

i'm not sure when it happened, but my coworkers became more than that at some point, they became my friends. i hang out with them, talk to them, and work with them on a daily basis. i'm not supposed to work today, but i'm going in just to see my friends because they asked me to. i don't need a ton of friends in my life to be happy, just a few good friends, and i finally feel like i have that.

on a different note, a couple days ago i officially lost 10 pounds. i know it's probably been more than that, but i've also been gaining muscle. i don't know if anything i've been doing is good enough to make a world line, but i've had a number of people tell me i look really good lately. i've been taking care of myself in a way i never have before. i care about my health for the first time, i care about how i feel. i'm trying to tell myself not to care about my weight, but not only do i want to care about the way i look, but the way i feel. eating the way i used to makes me feel so shitty, i get a stomachache in the worst way.

i've been trying to see beauty in everything lately. every person, every object, every situation. i've been trying not to let things get to me the way they used to. and it's been working, because i've been so happy lately.

i took a super long break from writing this... anyways.

i was going to go teach nau's cymbal line during their band camp which is next week. i emailed their section leader and she sounded really happy that i still wanted to do it. today she emailed me saying that the band director doesn't think the drumline needs any outside help. i almost started crying. i already asked for the week off, i really wanted to see my friends, and above everything, this is my first year not doing marching band, and i wanted to feel like i was at least a part of something...

it's been a couple hours, so the initial shock has warn off, but i still feel slightly sad. i'm trying not to let it get to me. i was put back on the schedule, so i can't go up to flagstaff anyways. i was supposed to make time to hang out with t.j., but it'll have to wait.

this is a super long story of what my summer has been... i'm sure no one will take the time out to read the whole thing, and i'm sure that if they do, it probably wouldn't make any sense... it's more of just a ramble. but i guess the one important thing that happened this summer is that i learned to be happy with what i have.

i've changed this summer. i've grown. i didn't realize it was happening until a couple days ago, but i've finally learned how to accept what life has given to you, and to focus on the positive. to stop worrying so much about the future, and live in the present.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


last night my mom and i went out to dinner and then went shopping together and we had a really good time. i love my mom and usually she is my best friend. but then every once in a while, like this morning she'll just blow up at me, and i have no idea what brings it on or if she really even means the things she says.

this morning i went downstairs and we talked and everything was fine, and then she left to pick up my sister. while she was gone, i made some eggs, but they ended up being really bad, so i threw them out and started eating cereal instead. i left my pan from making eggs on the stove because i heard that you're not supposed to put water on non stick pans when they're still hot, so i was waiting. so my mom got back and i told them about my eggs being bad and my mom was like, "i need you to put water in the pan after you're done sam, i don't care if it's bad for it, i need you to. i don't understand why you can't just put the damn pan in the sink with water in it." and i was like... well, i'm not even done eating and i already told you why i do it. i'm sorry that sometimes i forget, but if you had just asked me nicely to wash it before i go back upstairs, i would have. and then she got super mad that she has to ask me at all. and then not just about the pan, but about everything. why does she have to ask me to unload the dishwasher? why does she have to ask us to clean the house? so i told her that she should have taught us to be that way, because growing up, we were never expected to just do things. and honestly, i think that it's like this in most households, where the parents have to ask you to do things, especially when it comes to cleaning, even when they get older. she got all mad and then said that i was irresponsible. i am an irresponsible 19 year old.

well shit mom, i am 19. and sometimes i forget to put my pan in the sink. but i have been way better lately. i don't leave all of my shit in the kitchen or in the family room or even in the bathroom. i've kept my room clean while i've been home, and i've been unloading the dishwasher every morning. but i'm not perfect. i'm not a neat freak like you. i don't even like when things are so perfectly in their place. i like some clutter. so the fact that i've been so good should show some progress to you. you have no idea how i was when i lived on my own. yeah i was messy, but as soon as my roommate asked me to do something, i did it.

my mom started talking about how we're all roommates together and roommates all have their assigned things that they do without asking each other. and in my head i was like, ummm have you ever lived with a roommate? especially in a house and not a dorm? because i have and honestly, it was nothing like that. i guess my situation was a tad bit different, but it's like, if you want something done, you do it yourself or you ASK someone else to do it. she's getting all butt hurt that she has to ask me to clean something. she said we were like roommates, but she's the "head" roommate because she is the head of this house. i was like, well, if you're the head of the house, then why do you have an issue with telling us what to do? or just asking us to do something? and she yelled at me that "this is my house and i will run it the way i want."

for some reason, none of this really makes any sense to me. last night she was telling me that she was so proud of me for working almost 40 hours a week. i haven't saved any money yet, but on monday i'm paying off drumline and from then on out i'll be saving a lot. i'm about to get a raise at work too. and then this morning she yells at me for being irresponsible.

if i didn't have to save money for drumline, this would be when i moved out. i would do it, because i know how to live on my own and i know i'm responsible. i do have some things to work on, but when you have a mother who is a neat freak and likes to clean, i guess you start to take advantage, even if it's in the smallest way, like knowing that if you forget to wash your pan every once in a while, that she'll do it for you.

my mom talked to me about a week ago about how lonely i seem. i don't have many friends in chandler and i won't ever make an effort to talk to them. i don't even like spending time with my family anymore. i lock myself away in my room everyday and spend an insane amount of time alone. she said that if i want to go see her therapist, i can. but honestly, i don't think i need to see one. i'm not like, the happiest i've ever been, but i'm also not depressed. and i'm okay with the way things are going for me right now. i'm on a mission, and my mission is to try out for a few different world groups and hope that i am successful at at least one of them. i can't move out now, because then i won't be able to save enough money to even go to auditions.

i think i'm a very responsible person, not just for my age, but just in general. if my mom doesn't agree because i'm not a neat freak like her, then i don't really care. i'll continue to lock myself in my room, i won't go downstairs until she's gone. i'll clean up all of my messes and i'll make it seem like i'm not even here. i won't let her use my car anymore and i'll do everything myself.

i always thought my mom was a good mom, but it's times when she starts getting mad at me for who i am because of the way i was raised, that remind me that she could have done better.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


i've been thinking in the past couple days that i might go back to school. like, over the summer. and then fall. and so on. haha. i've really enjoyed taking the semester off. no school, no homework. but to be honest, i've been slightly bored. i don't want to go back to full time just yet, but i think taking a class or two would be good. every time i talked to my friends and they said something about school, it made me feel dumb for not being in school anymore. and if i take more time off, it might turn into forever off, and i don't want to work in fast food my whole life...

a couple days ago i saw this picture on tumblr.

i've seen it before, and both times i just stared and stared at it. the second time though, i remembered how in elementary and junior high school i wanted to be an architect. i've been trying to figure out what i want to do with my life lately, and this seems like the first real and possible thing that i have thought of that i've wanted to do for a while. it just seems more... realistic than some of the things i've been thinking in the past couple months. the word realistic sounds kind of depressing to me, but it's really not in this situation! haha.

so this summer i think i'm going to start catching up on math. then take all of the classes i can take at cgcc. asu has a program, so i think eventually i will apply there. i don't and will never regret going to nau, but i bet i would have gotten a better scholarship had i applied to asu in the first place... now i have some bad grades on my transcripts, so i doubt i would get a scholarship :/ but, i'd probably be able to afford student loans if go into architecture... right? haha

i think this is happening.

Friday, April 15, 2011

things i have learned from my mother.

1. don't settle for any man who isn't your soul mate.
2. don't run away from your problem. they'll catch up to you eventually.
3. don't push away the people you love, even if they have hurt you.
4. forgive people who have hurt you, even if they are not still in your life. don't do it for them, do it for yourself.
5. realize what your dreams are and go for them now.
6. accept everyone for who they are, if you don't like them, you don't have to be friends with them, but you shouldn't try to change them.
7. don't tell people not to cry when they are upset. tell them it's okay to cry and let everything they are feeling out.
8. don't let anything bottle up inside for too long.
9. stay positive.
10. enthusiasm can change any situation.
11. think of all of your options.
12. be patient.
13. there are more important things than money.
14. how to be healthy.
15. support the people you love, no matter what they want to do.

there are so many more things that i have learned from her. unfortunately for my mom, most of these lessons have come from me seeing her do the complete opposite and me telling myself i will never do that. i've been so happy lately and i know it's because she's helped me to be that way. it hurts me to know that she's hurting so much, and i really hope she makes it through this. i know deep inside that she will, but i don't think she believes that.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

pursuit of happiness.

this week has been very productive for me! on monday i worked and got my paycheck, so i was able to pay off my landlord! i sent her the last check i owe her and i'm super pumped to not have to worry about it anymore :P that night i went shopping with my mom and then got to see my sister do gymnastics for the first time in about two years. and wow! she got sooo good! then yesterday i practiced cymbals and learned some new visuals that i've been trying to figure out for ages! it... was super exciting :D then i got my haircut yeeeahhhhh. i needed one so bad! haha. today i woke up at 6am for work at 7am. i got off after an hour because she only needed me to help with a catering order. haha, but i got a free smoothie out of it! i came back and was practicing for a bit again, but my arms were tired and i didn't want them to get too bad before drumline tonight, so i went for a walk instead. now i've already eaten lunch and it's only 10! haha, i feel great.

while i was on my walk i was thinking about how unhappy i thought i was going to be moving back here. i told my mom that i would be absolutely miserable. and yeah, there have been some rough patches in the past few months, but overall, i feel so happy. i'm not really sure what it is. i'm away from most of my friends, i spend my days that i don't work alone, and i'm on a drumline that i don't really like. but for some reason, waking up every morning and getting out of bed is so easy. i love the alone time i get to just relax, and then i love seeing my friends at drumline. i love working and getting paychecks and i love being able to workout on my free time. i love seeing my family every night and i love having animals around the house. some of my blogs recently have been filled with the things i hate, but this one is filled with love.

super cheesy but whatevs, i'm happy :P

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

choose to be happy.

sometimes i think about when i was happiest. and i used to think it was when i was in flagstaff last semester, doing marching band, rushing for kappa kappa psi, living on my own, working for something i wanted. when i decided to move home i was terrified that i would lose everything i had worked for in regards of happiness. i realized that i had never been happy while living in chandler and for some reason i just associated chandler with every bad thing that has ever happened to me.

now that i've been home for about a month and half, and i can honestly say that i feel happy. i have a job that i enjoy for the most part, i get to live at home with my family for free, i get to eat for free, i get to work out all day (except when i get my period like right now... hehe tmi). but everyday i get to get out of bed and be carefree. and i love it. i know what my goals and what my obligations are, and i'm, for once, enjoying the road it's taking me to get there. i miss flagstaff of course, but i'm actually very glad i came back.

i'll be paying off this drumline season for a while, but i'm so happy that i have a job so i can eventually do that. i'm excited for the first paycheck i get that doesn't have to go to drumline, even though that's months from now, i'm looking forward to putting in my back account and having it stay there. having something to look forward to i think is what really is keeping me going.

but mostly, i think it's just because i'm choosing to be happy. i used to have someone in my life who would always tell me that he would just choose to be happy instead of something else, and i tried to explain that it's not that easy sometimes, and it really isn't. but right now i know there isn't much holding me back, and the things that are, won't be holding me back for much longer. i'm looking on the bright side of life and enjoying everything i have and everything i soon will have. and i think that's a wonderful way to live life.

endhappinessrant. :D

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

so, my post yesterday was definitely dramatic and long and ranty. i just wanted to say that today was a lot better. i didn't do much today, but i think that's exactly what i needed to calm myself down. a day to sit, be lazy, watch movies, and trashy talk shows. i talked to my brother and my mom about things other than drumline. i planned to see my friend halonna who i haven't gotten to talk to in far too long. and i realized that today is a new day.

my brother got a haircut. this isn't really exciting news or anything, but he was so excited. he gets really excited over the smallest things. i was in my room when he got home so he called my name to have me come downstairs and see how short it was. he told me not to tell mom or jamie because he wanted to surprise them. i laughed to myself because really, he got about an inch cut off, and he just got his haircut a few weeks ago, but whenever he gets something like a haircut or shaves his face or grows out his facial hair or whatever, he always gets so excited. he loves seeing people's reactions. it's also funny to me because for the longest time he had long hair. he hated the look of short hair and never wanted to get it cut. our dad, stepmom and uncle looked down on him for having long hair because they thought it made him look... i don't even know. homeless? like he did drugs? like a bad kid? while he was really difficult, they thought that him wanting short hair as a teen would shape who he was going to be for the rest of his life. my brother loves video games. he used to play them nonstop. he hated school and never did his homework. my dad's side of the family didn't even think he would be able to graduate from high school or go to college. and now he's a senior in high school, about to graduate and signing up for community college with his heart set on getting a degree in something math related.

i remember when i was younger, i would get so mad whenever i went to my dad's because of the things they said to and about my brother. even though we fought like crazy back then, he was still my brother and i would do anything for him. i still resent my dad to this day for things that he assumed. and for some reason, all because of a short haircut my brother got, it made me think about how proud i am of him. he doesn't just sit in his room anymore. after school he comes home and talks to me and jamie. he talks to my mom. he eats dinner with us. he tries to keep the house clean. he does (most of) his school work. he talks about politics and economics and things that i don't understand.

my grandma just emailed me asking about his graduation and asking if he was even going to be able to graduate. i know i used to be the smart, motivated one, but now i'm a college drop out, thinking of going into either photography or cinematography, not finance or psychology or something else that's smart. my brother is. i used to be my grandma's favorite. she still sends me money here and there along with emails of how she's doing. when i mentioned it to austin, he said he she never emails him or sends him money. i remember my stepmom telling me pretty much that i was her favorite, and that i had to please her, because i'm the smart one. she needs me. and now it's kind of turning around, even if she doesn't know it yet.

i tried to plan out the next ten years of my life last night. haha, sounds kind of lame, but i have all of these things i want to accomplish, so i thought maybe if i wrote it down, it would make things more motivating. and seeing everything all typed out, it just looked so boring. i know i need to just wait it out, stop focussing on the future and live in the now, but now isn't as appealing as the future. or even the past. if i could relive august 2010-december 2010, i would. over and over. it wasn't perfect, but i was the happiest i've ever been then.

i'll probably never stop planning my future. i think about the future everyday, almost constantly. to not know what's going to happen in my future really freaks me out. and i'm waiting ever so patiently for it to be may, so everything going on right now will be over and i can focus on something else. i hate this feeling that i have of being... stuck. not moving forward, being held back. i just want to know that all of the things i want to accomplish and have been dreaming about are going to happen.

Monday, March 7, 2011

"waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste your time and you've lost a part of your life."

i will agree with anyone who says i made last season dramatic for the cymbal line, because frankly, i did. i didn't agree with the section leader and sometimes i would purposefully disagree with him, just for the sake of proving him wrong. i know there isn't just one way to do things, especially in drumline. i know that last season could have gone better. but i can justify it (to myself at least) by saying that i learned from my mistakes. i didn't respect the section leader when i should have, no matter what. usually respect is something i give to everyone until they prove to me they don't deserve it.

i can honestly say that at the end of last season, no matter how much drama i caused, i wasn't exactly ready for it to be over. after state i still wanted to go down for rehearsals. i felt like i could have kept going and that by the end i did manage to salvage my relationships with most of the cymbal line.

when i decided to do drumline this year... i thought it would be better. i didn't want to do breakthrough again and i really thought i would learn more at mosaic. i don't regret not doing breakthrough. i'm pretty picky and i know i wouldn't like being on their cymbal line due to technique alone. but i never thought i would regret being involved in a drumline as much i regret joining mosaic. i generally don't regret anything. if i make a mistake, i view it as a learning experience, not a regret.

what have i learned at mosaic?

how to play cards.

yeah. i think that's it. i tried really hard to think of something else too.

it honestly bothers me that i care so much, but this is something i am so passionate about. and to regret something i have so much passion for is killing me. i've never had to hold back so much and never felt this disrespected for speaking up. i decided a while ago to only speak up about things that i really feel strongly about. i spoke up about our floor, and most of the time, i was just agreeing with people, but for some reason i, over other people who were the ones suggesting things, was attacked by people, asking if i had ever seen wgi finals before and saying that my ideas (that were ideas other people came up with), were impossible to paint...

today i was trying to tell my section leader, someone who i have respected all season, even if i don't necessarily with her, that i didn't have enough money to buy something we really didn't need and something that i already have, just not exactly the same as what she was telling us to get. i said it very politely and was answered with well this is what we're doing. "no more discussion." as much as i tried to explain that i have absolutely no money to buy anything, no matter how much it costs, i was given "no exceptions" and "no more arguments." my mom is a very blunt person who hardly ever curses, but when explaining it to her, she thought it was way out of line and started using the eff bomb (it was slightly funny).

we started talking about my reputation. because i said i won't quit, even though i want to, because i'm not a quitter. so she asked me what the rest of the line probably thinks of me based off of what they have seen so far. and honestly, i would say most people probably view me as an dramatic, stuck up, dumb bitch. i really hope that's not what people think, but at this point, i really don't care. the people in this drumline who actually know me and talk to me don't think that, so i couldn't give a fuck.

but it got me thinking about what i think i am. i personally think that i am opinionated, experienced, and a natural leader. i can talk about drumline for days because i've been doing it for so long and it's something i'm very passionate about. outside of drumline i'm a really sweet person who would do anything for almost anyone. i'm really open minded about most things, but when it comes to things i know really well, like cymbals, i have very strong opinions. when i tell people my opinions, they tend to think that i'm whining, when i'm just telling them what i think. i care so much about the things i do, and it hurts me when people attack me for something i feel i don't deserve to be attacked for. almost every time i say something i have to say, "i don't mean to be dramatic," or "i'm not trying to be difficult," because i think that people think that's what i am. but really, i have a lot more experience than most people at mosaic, and i know a lot about drumline. i'm very observant. i watch drumline videos all the time and it boggles my mind that people think there isn't a difference between mosaic and groups like pulse or mcm. that we do things the same as them. obviously we don't, otherwise we would be as good as them... i read about these groups, how they were started, what they did to get to where they are. i stalk their members and techs and directors facebooks and learn as much as i can about them to try and see what it's like to be on a line like that. and just from what i've observed by doing that, i know that it's different at better groups. i know the director of mosaic well enough to know exactly what he's going to say and exactly what he's going to do. whenever i predict something, i'm always told by people that it wouldn't happen, gary's not like that. but it does. every time. i'm not a section leader, i've never marched drum corps, and i started the season after auditions, and i think for that reason i haven't been given respect. honestly, i don't feel like i deserve respect or anything, but i gave my respect to every person in that drumline, and was given nothing back. i'm not a section leader, but i am a natural leader. i can't help it. i'm the eldest of my siblings and in the past i've been thrown into section leader positions and had to lead without any example. i wasn't good when i first started, i had to work my way up. i had to challenge myself and get better through time. i gained experience. i've been doing this for years now and i don't plan on stopping until i have to.

does all this mean no respect? i'm not trying to beg for respect or anything, i'm more just ranting about things that i've never felt i could say out loud without being pounced on, but i know if anyone from mosaic read this it would probably just make them dislike me more.

maybe i am just being over dramatic and reading things in the wrong context. but i'm so soo tired of all the shit that's being thrown my way. from drumline, from work, from my landlord, from my house.

on my tumblr i always talk about how much i hate money. i hate not having it. i hate the way having it makes people. i hate that having money gives you opportunity. i hate that you can't do anything without spending money. i hate that when you don't have money, that's when everything goes wrong and you have to spend the most money.

my mom apologized tonight for not working for two and a half years. i didn't say anything. i was about to say, "oh, it's okay," but then i realized that no, it's not okay. i know for a lot of that time it was because you couldn't find a job, but now we're all suffering. i can't afford to buy a twenty dollar pair of gloves because i can't borrow it from my mom. and i know that really isn't her fault, but my mom used to make so much money that borrowing twenty dollars wouldn't have even made a dent. but now it's spending everything she has pretty much.

i really hate that this drumline costs so much, and that i'm not even going to be able to pay it off until after the season is over. and it's going to take me a while to do it too.

i kind of hate how long this blog is, but i really needed to get this all out. i'm not really sure if there's a point to all of this, but i think it's mostly that i am just so over drumline right now. i guess not drumline in general, but this drumline. i hate the feeling of regret that i have for it, and i hate that i dread going to rehearsal so much. the only reason i haven't quit is out of a feeling of obligation and not wanting to be "that person."

i just want to be heard. for someone to understand where i'm coming from. to not feel like i'm going crazy. to be at a better drumline.

i guess the only good thing is that my motivation for making an out of state world group gets stronger every time i'm at rehearsal.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


my mom just told me that my brother and sister think i don't want to grow up. why? because of drumline. they think the reason i am still doing drumline is that i am clinging to my high school years.

news flash brother and sister, i hated high school. and i would never, ever want to relive it.

i know it's because they're ignorant and because they really don't know anything about drumline, but i can understand why they would think that. i'm putting my whole life on hold to partake in a drumline that practices at my old high school, is directed by my high school drumline director and even though i hate it (which they are aware of), i won't quit. i'm working in order to pay for this year of drumline and to save money for future years of drumline.

i'm not really sure why they would think that i'm clinging to my high school years and that i don't want to grow up, when i'm the oldest and most grown up of all of them. the only reason i'm at home right now is to save money for the things i want to do. i'm the only one with big goals that i'm really working hard to achieve. i'm the only one who seems to know that you can't achieve anything without going through all the shitty stuff to get to where you want to be (living at home when i don't want to) and working your way up from the bottom (breakthrough to mosaic to hopefully something better). i'm working so hard to get to where i want to be, and it's looked as childish. i know they don't know that a lot of people march longer after high school than they did in high school. i know they don't know that after high school is generally when you get way better and are more respected in the field of drumline. but, ugghhhh it just bothers me so much that they would say that. i know it shouldn't... but really?

on another note, i'm going to beta omicron's third degree tonight! jane and a few other brothers from gamma kappa will be there and i'm super excited to see everyone :D maggie is also in tempe, so hopefully at some point this weekend i will get to see her.

Monday, February 28, 2011

can i just say that i absolutely hate money?

like, jhrbghjebrh it's pretty much the source of all of my problems right now. i just got a job and will be getting my first paycheck in about two weeks. all of this money will go to my landlord. if it doesn't, she'll sue me. my roommate from flagstaff, who was also one of my friends, is being a dick to me because he's assuming that i'm assuming that he's lying about not calling our landlord about this whole mess. now that i'm sending my first check to my landlord, i can't give it to drumline and the result of that will be not going to california and not getting a uniform (wtf okay...). i told my director there really isn't much i can do, because he's not going to sue me, and my landlord will, and then i'll have to pay a fuck ton more. my best friend is offering to loan me some money for drumline, and all of this put together is just making me stressed. moving home was supposed to be the most cost effective solution for drumline, and now that i have a job, it should be, but no, it's not. i'll be penniless for a long time.

i'm kind of hating the little twists and turns life has been throwing my way lately. they're way too expensive for my taste and i honestly can't wait for the summer when this is all over with.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


my mom keeps telling me to finish bringing in all of my stuff from the garage. it's been a little over three weeks since i moved back she doesn't understand why i don't just move everything up to my room. it's just stuff right?

but i feel like the second i get everything into my room, that means it's real... i can't go back. and honestly, i know i can't go back, even now, with half of my stuff still in the garage. but for some reason, after three weeks, i still don't feel like i live here. it feels like summer break.

i finally got a job and i start tomorrow, bright and early in the morning at 8am. i'm sure this will solidify the whole feeling real thing, because i'll actually be doing something besides what i moved down here to do: drumline.

ahh drumline, it's supposed to be my favorite thing. and in the past, it was. when i would go to drumline all my worries about the rest of the world vanish. school didn't exist, rushing was put on hold. all i could do was focus on playing and marching. this season is different though, because i literally did put everything on hold to be involved in this drumline. i'm taking the semester off from school, i moved home to be closer, i quit the job that wasn't great, but that i liked, i left my new brothers and sisters, and some of the best friends i've ever had in my life. and for what? to go to drumline a few times a week and get completely frustrated with a line that i thought would be something great. i thought i would be challenging myself, working towards something. i thought i would look forward to going to rehearsals, and instead i look forward to the drive there with my friends from high school, aka the only people making this even remotely worth it. after every rehearsal i sit there and vent, mostly just to know that someone agrees with me and that i'm not just crazy. to know that everything i've ever learned about drumline isn't a sham, and that i'm not completely stupid.

i'm still trying to focus on the positives though. as hard as that is sometimes, i know that's the only thing that's going to get me through this season. i'm also focusing on my main goal, which is to get the hell out of arizona. i wish there was an amazing, established, and preferably world class group that i liked located in flagstaff so i could just live there forever, but there isn't. so, hopefully, i'll be out of here by the end of the year. i won't have to deal with the bullshit of another first year group located in the great state of arizona.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

so... even though drumline is kind of wasting my life, i'm surprised that i'm not really miserable here living in chandler yet. it's only been like, two weeks, so maybe that's why. haha. i'm realizing that i do have some good friends down here who are just making things so much easier to cope with.

i'm almost kind of enjoying myself... :P

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


so let me just say, i totally hate looking for jobs. like, jsnrkjhnk absolutely hate it. i hate that i had to quit burger king. i hate that i actually sort of liked working there. i hate that finding a job is so hard. i hate sitting here all day by myself. i hate that my brother and sister think now that i live at home i am their own personal taxi service. i hate that i still have a garage full of crap that i need to get into my room. i hate that i can't throw anything away. i hate that i can't watch psych season 5. i hate that drumline is so damn expensive. i hate that i moved down here for a drumline that won't even be worth it. i hate that i can't predict my own future. i hate that i need so much downtime. i hate that i hate cleaning. i hate that i hate cooking. i hate that i hate working out. i hate that i'm so lazy.



i'm just feeling overwhelmed. i've been home for like, two days and i need to find a job. i want everything to just fall into place like it did when i was in flagstaff. someone just call me and offer me a job. i don't care how much it pays, as long as it's something.


Friday, January 28, 2011

"if i lay here, if i just lay here. would you lie with me, and just forget the world."

technically, i'm moving home today. i still have so much to do, it's kind of crazy. i hate packing. i hate cleaning. i haaaate it.

today was my last day at burger king. would you believe that i'm actually kind of sad my time there is done? i actually really loved the people there. it wasn't the ideal job, but it kept me fed (most of the time) and kept me here in flagstaff. and it wasn't bad. i'm going to miss some of the people who worked there so much. working there was the first time i made friends outside of band. and it was kind of nice having some new friends.

i'm trying so hard to stay positive. i still doesn't seem real.

i've been listening to chasing cars by snow patrol over and over and over lately. i just learned it on piano and i'm not sure why i never really listened to it before this. but, i really wish i could just... forget the world right now. i wish i could just forget everything bad that's going on. everything that i don't want to do in order to do the things i do want to do. i would really like to just lay there and forget the world. preferably in one of the meadows in flagstaff. preferably with no bugs too. haha.

but yeah. erjnhlhltnh is pretty much how i feel now.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

"now i shadow my former self"

i have one week left until i move home.

it feels... i don't know. i really just don't know how to feel. it doesn't feel real.

there's so much i need to do in order to make this work, but less then i would have to do in order to make in work in flagstaff.

i'm a different person now than i was the last time i lived in chandler. i'm a better person, a happier person. i hope i can take everything i learned while in flagstaff about living and happiness and apply it to my life here. i'm going to appreciate everything i have. i'm going to look at all of the positives. i'm going to make new friends and become better friends with the few remaining friends i have down here.

i will live. i will (i reeeeally hope) be happy.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

a brother and friend offered to let me move in and only pay for utilities... i would still have to pay a ton for gas and food, but i think if i kept working about 30 hours a week (totally doable), that i could make it work.

i'm not sure if i would feel bad about it... but i'd have to sleep on the couch and keep pretty much only clothes there... so maybe i wouldn't feel bad. haha.

my hours will probably be getting cut come this week at bk, so i'm going to apply to some more places to see if i can work part time at both bk and another place. i... think i can make this work. if i do, i will have to move home for the summer and possibly fall, but i feel like i can make this work. i don't know when i'll be able to live in flag again and i love it toooo much.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

so i've decided that i make big decision too quickly. i think only of the extreme positives or negatives and forget that i'm a human being and that i might regret these decisions.

i decided yesterday to move home. after seeing the reactions from all of my friends from here, it's really made me think twice. i really didn't expect so many people to be sad about it and i reeeaally didn't expect two different people offering to let me move in with them for cheaper than what i pay now. i still don't think i could make it happen on the salary i make now, but i think i could make one option work if i worked maybe 35 to 40 hours a week. i wouldn't be saving money though...

these are my choices:

1. move home this month. get a new job hopefully within a week or so. save my money.
2. move in with my friend. pay about $250 plus electric a month for rent. pay a lot for gas to drive down to chandler every weekend. miss wednesday rehearsals for drumline. get an additional job. pay for food.

kgsjjkntjhnskjht. i know which one seems more logical.

i'm still thinking though.

Monday, January 10, 2011

i... think i've kind of made a decision. and i think i want to get out of arizona so bad that moving home might be worth it.

plus, for some reason, before this last rehearsal, i thought that this season would only be worth it for the fact that we're going to world. but now, i actually like most of the people on the line. i like the cymbal line, and i feel like coming home might be worth it.

i don't think i'm going to find another job and/or roommate and or/ another place to stay. not in the next three weeks at least. i found a place for my roommate to move into that's cheaper. i just have to tell him... i'll need to find a new job in chandler though...

i realized that, even though i'm not a spontaneous person, i tend to make big life decisions like moving really quickly... i should stop that. but probably won't.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

i'm not sure what to do.

my mom just told me i basically have two choices:

1. move home, get a job here, do drumline, save money.
2. stay in flagstaff, get an additional job, a new roommate or apartment, possibly do drumline, not save money.

obviously, choice one sounds like the better choice, but chandler makes me... soooo miserable. like, thinking about this summer and my life here, just makes me sad. i love my life in flagstaff. the people, the scenery... and just the way it makes me feel - not miserable. i love my life and self when i'm in flagstaff.

i feel so nervous about all of this, because i know i should just move home. i would feel horrible about it, but if i want to make my dreams of marching with an out of state drumline, i need to save up my money.

i need help. i need someone to tell me what to do. someone to tell me it's okay. the one person i need has been too busy to talk to me.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

this... is getting stressful.

i'm not sure why everything is piling up right now, but it's not getting better.

some guy was supposed to move in with us tomorrow, but instead found another place and wasn't really planning on telling us. now my roommate are back to square one, and i'm trying to figure out whether or not moving into a two bedroom would be worth it. either that or i could marry clinton, but... yeah. hahaha.

i also need to find another job. i need to make a ton of money to be able to afford rent, gas and drumline fees. and food i guess. i also need to have free time so i won't go crazy.

i wish something great would just fall into my lap. a new job opportunity, a new place to live, or someone who needs a place to live. new opportunities. just... new things, in general.

half of me is tempted to just move home and deal with the depression that comes along with it, all to save a few bucks. this semester hasn't even started and it's already not going the way i planned for it to go.

i wasn't supposed to do drumline, but it's too late to back out now. plus, i really don't want to back out. i wasn't supposed to be searching for a new roommate. i wasn't supposed to be struggling. i was supposed to be an active brother. taking collegiate band and a few classes at ccc.


i know i can't do everything i want to do all at the same time. something has to be sacrificed. all of this stress is just so much motivation for me to get the hell out of here and go to a better drumline. drumline seems to be what's making everything a mess. and honestly, i don't think this season will be worth it at all. the 't only perks are getting to go to world championships (which isn't even a guarantee yet) and getting to see devon and alan on a regular basis. and getting to perform i guess. haha, i love drumline, but this season is all about transitions, and me working on myself so i can get somewhere.

i guess the most perfect thing that could happen right now would be for my mom to move to flagstaff and let me live with her rent free. for mosaic to be based out of flagstaff so i wouldn't have to travel anywhere.

i'm really looking forward to a year from now. auditioning for an out of state drumline. if i make any of the ones i audition for, then i'll be gone. in a heart beat. i'll find a place to live that's super close to the rehearsal site. i'll work and it'll be awesome.

i've been contemplating where i want to be for the summer. i really do NOT want to go back to chandler, but it would be so nice not to have to worry about rent for a few months. i was thinking of possibly asking my dad if i can stay with him in prescott, but i think i would probably be miserable there too. i'd have to find a good job there and then i'd probably drive up to flagstaff a lot to see t.j. and other friends who are there.

ngkwjrnhtkjnth. i can't have it all. i just don't know what's most important to me right now.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

"if you want to sound wise, go to school. if you want to be wise, go to nature."

i've been reflecting a lot these past few days on how my year was. i wrote an entry about 2010 and everything i learned. i never posted it because i never finished writing it. it was hard for me to finish writing about how much i learned because i kept thinking of new things.

that last thing i wrote it that post was, "i think overall, i just... grew. i grew as a person." when i think back to this time last year, i was pretty happy. and even though i thought i had grown so much and was such a happy person, the beginning of 2010 was just the beginning of a journey. a journey of self discovery, learning, and love. i've never learned so much about life, myself and love before 2010.

i learned mostly that the best learning doesn't necessarily happen inside of a classroom. i've been in college for three semesters now. the first semester was actually really great. i went to all of my classes, got all a's and one b and did all of my homework. second semester started on the note, but i took on too many activities and learned that i needed to slow down. i passed all of my classes, but got b's, c's, and d's. third semester i took on... probably as many activities as second semester. i learned that sometimes you have to drops things you don't want to drop, but third semester i dropped something different... i ended up failing three out of the four of my classes. i got a c in photography even though i didn't even go to the last month or so of class. i learned what it feels like to be disappointed in myself.

i think the biggest thing i've learned though, can be summed up in this quote, "if you want to sound wise, go to school. if you want to be wise, go to nature." it's from a movie called "southbounders," which was actually pretty good if you want to watch it :D anyways, i don't necessarily want to "go to nature," but i think that school doesn't make you smart. sure, it helps you get a job once you graduate, it makes you look better to people who think school makes you look better... but it doesn't really mean anything...

my future has been on my mind a lot though. my 20 before 20 list has been running through my mind too. i don't think i'll accomplish everything on my list, but as of now i'm okay with it. i didn't really set truly realistic goals for myself, and since i wrote it, my priorities have changed.

so, for 2011, i have some goals in mind. mostly to march as much as possible, to get into better shape, to work a lot, and to continue on my journey of discovery. i want to keep learning. i want to keep loving.

who knows, maybe someday i'll turn to nature. it seems so nice to be able to just hike all day. i'm not a fan of peeing anywhere that's not a toilet, so it might not be such a great idea... hahahaha.