Monday, May 31, 2010


but not indie.

haha. yesterday was pretty much an amazing day. i thought it wouldn't be, because i thought i would end up sitting around the entire day doing nothing, seeing as andrew is in surprise and without car privileges, dan and trey headed to... wherever. haha i don't know, i think scottsdale? anyways. i thought i wouldn't do anything. but my uncle needed his key back, so i decided to go give him that back and meet andrew at the arrowhead mall. YES, his parents let him go :]] totally awesome. we walked around for a bit, and then decided to pick up his best friend who is also named andrew... kind of confusing. haha. anyways. we ended up going to westgate and then mcdonalds and back to andrew lopez's house. we talked about "being indie" because he has two indie pairs of glasses. i asked him if pretty much everything i owned was indie. hahaha. and in some small way they are. minus my hair, unless i wear it in pigtails. it became this big joke. we went to mcdonalds again and tried to take indie pictures there. they're on andrew lopez's camera, so i'll have to wait until he puts them on facebook to see if they're really indie or not, because i'm a pretty horrible model. we decided we're going to dedicate this summer to being "indie" and taking lots of "indie" pictures in fields of different plants and hiding different "indie" things in the background. OH, and taking my quote book and writing the different quotes in parts of the picture. like, a tree or the dirt. haha. this is mostly just for the fun of it, not trying to really be indie.

apparently the biggest secret to being indie is, get this, saying you're not indie. so i've been saying that i'm not indie. but... not when people ask me, just saying it. hahaha. this is all too funny to me.

i put one dread in my hair. i probably won't have it for long, because i don't want it to lock up and have to cut it out of my hair... but i think it will complete my not-indie look. hahahaha.

i find this more funny than it should be.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

job hunting.

it's been awhile since i last blogged.

i don't know why i freaked out so much about my hair. haha. i got it cut two days ago, still not knowing what i wanted. it's pretty much the same style, just four inches shorter. whatever. it's just hair, and i like it. haha :)

i wanted to blog about last night and how much fun it was. danielle asked me if i wanted to go to this girl's grad party. we went to high school with her, but i technically wasn't invited. but my mom was... anyways, dan wanted to creep, so i told her i would go. when it came time to going though, we decided not to, but she came over anyways. we were sitting at my house, hungry, with no food. we changed our minds out of hunger to go to the party. it was super awkward, especially since we stayed in the kitchen the entire time, but it was so much fun :) afterwards we went back to alex's for "part two" (haha) and convinced stephen to cut his hair. FINALLY. it was a hilarious, but we're all glad he did. haha.

i'm still waiting for one of the many jobs i've applied to to call me. i called a few and they all said they would call me sometime this week. so yeah. playing the waiting game sucks. i'm going to call a few back tomorrow.


Thursday, May 27, 2010

getting my hur did.

TOMORROW. i was going to mention this in my last ramble from a few hours ago, but i totally forgot. IT'S TOMORROW. YESSS. anyways, i thought i knew what i wanted!! a bit below the shoulder with bangs. but, OH DANG, that's not very descriptive really, and not much of a choice.

if that makes any sense.

anyways. i guess i'm still debating on bangs. and right now this seems like SUCH a huge decision, but when i take a look from the outside, it really does seem trivial... anyways. i don't know what type of bangs i want, let alone if i want then at all.

but my hair is seriously too long right now.

these are what i've been thinking i might like.

anyways. i'm bored with this post. haha. maggie's saying yes bangs, devon saying no.



i've been trying to think of something to blog about all day, because i haven't in a while, but i feel... uninspired. i'm not really sure what to write about and that suuucks.

so i'll probably just ramble for a bit until i come across something that sounds noteworthy.

since i last wrote i've been doing a lot. kind of... i stayed at andrew's for three days (!). it was so much fun. we did a lot of our normal (swimming, watching tv, eating) and we ventured out and did some new things. on sunday when he came to pick me up we went to the spinny park. we swung on the swings, spun on everything, and overall just had a fun time. we were going to leave and he tackled me in the grass and we laid there and watched the sky. i got a ton of bug bites from it, but it was pretty much worth it :) we went to alex's lost party (new experience for him... haha). then over the next three days he taught me how to drum (i'm pretty good for someone who's been playing for four days :D), we cleaned a lot, washed his car, went shopping, sang in his van to hillary duff and miley cyrus. it was a pretty amazing time. then last night he brought me home and we went to my best friend dan's house to celebrate her getting her real estate license (woo :D). there were cupcakes and i think andrew ate about six. haha.

today has been filled with me being absolutely LAZY. i ate pretty healthy foods though (honey bunches of oats with strawberries, sandwich on a biscuit (probably the least healthy thing i had) and then a smoothie with frozen fruit, milk and ice). i spilled most of my smoothie on the ground :/ haha.

i've been talking to my mom a lot. we were talking about my friends and some of the problems we have (haha) and then just about me and then my sister and a few other things. it was nice to have a good talk with her, because i feel like we haven't talked in ages. i love hearing my mom's take on some of the issues i'm dealing with.

my mom is a life couch, and that got me thinking, what if i went to school for that? like, i really enjoy talking to people and trying to get them to think and helping them with their problems. i know i should probably go to college for psychology or something like that, but life couching would probably be easier. haha. maybe it would help me just with interacting with my friends, because sometimes i have no idea what to say to them. i want to help people. maybe i could somehow incorporate photography into it. i don't know... i'll look into it.

i've been thinking about photography a lot more too. my mom tells people that the reason i'm not going back to nau is because i still don't know what i want to do for a living, and that i'm going to try to figure it out while saving money at a community college.

this isn't true. i know what i want to do, and i want to be a photographer. sure, i'm not really sure how i will make it a career, and what i really want to go into within the photography career, but that's why i'm going to school for it, so i can figure it out while learning. i think i want to do portraits for people. dan sent me this link a while ago and i when i was looking at these pictures i was so inspired. i want to take pictures like that for people. i want to do amazing and artistic portraits that you keep and love forever. this morning i was looking at sarah-kate mcaleer's tumblr and was also inspired by her photography. I WANT TO DO THIS. photography like that, that inspires people like me. that's what i want to be doing.

aaanyways. my mom is wrong. i pretty much know what i want to do. i just need some time to figure out how to do that and develop more skills.

on another note, apparently my brother and sister told my mom that since i've come home from college, i'm harsh. not sure when i've been harsh to them, but... okay. whatever.

i'm not really sure what else to write now, so i'll leave it at that.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

"human skin can be hard to live in, you'll feel better in the morning."

"sometimes i can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives i'm not living."

i think i may be having a crisis.

probably not. but lately i've been feeling so... not happy. i hate this. when i wake up every morning i want to feel exhilarated, happy to wake up and live. instead, i find myself waking up, the day being half over, not wanting to get out of bed. when i do get out of bed i usually just sit around and do nothing. i see my friends, which is usually the one of the only highlights of my days. some days, i get to see andrew, another highlight. but other than that, i feel like i'm drowning. drowning into a life i wanted, but now am hating. i don't want to be stuck in this house forever, i only wanted to be here for the summer. i wish so badly that i can go back to nau next semester, even though what i wanted was to stay home. i don't feel like i'm having a crisis because i want to go back, but a crisis because i feel i can't make up my mind.

do i want to stay in chandler? do i want to go back to flagstaff?
will mcc be better for me? will nau be better for me?
is this what i want?

what do i want?

i was talking to andrew about teaching last night. he thinks i should ask the cymbal tech from the school he works at if i can watch over him to kind of learn how to become a tech and then maybe someday take over. i'm afraid to ask because i think i might offend him and he could say no, and then for the rest of the time that he knows me (he was my tech for breakthrough), he'll think of me as the girl who thought i could take his job.

when did i start caring so much about what other people think of me?

this semester, when i was deciding to rush for kkpsi, i almost stopped myself. why? because one of my best friends thought it was dumb. andrew thought it was dumb. most of the people in breakthrough thought it was dumb. and when i thought about it, that was the only reason i didn't want to do it. why did i care so much?

why do i care what other people think of me? is it just that since i started trusting people, i've been trusting too much, to the point where i can't do things i want to do that they don't like because i think they may stop trusting me in return?

maybe the only reason i never cared what people thought was because before i started trusting people no one actually cared what i did. and it's not like i was ever doing anything people didn't approve of. but... i don't know.

i don't know what i'm feeling.

i'm not sure what to do, or what i want. i thought i wanted this, to be home doing nothing for the summer. but i think since i did nothing all semester, i actually want to be out there, working, reading, seeing my friends, being productive. i feel like i just don't know how to do that anymore.

andrew said i was thinking like a pessimist last night. i've always thought of myself as an optimist. but now i can see how i'm not. i'm not optimistic anymore. i think negatively about most things. i don't want to be that way, but i don't know if i can stop.

i don't know if i want to stop.

i think maybe this is all stemming from me not being in flagstaff anymore. i thought i had found myself there. and i was right. i did find parts of myself. but i didn't find the entire me. if only i can go back to find the rest. maybe then, i'll finally feel as happy as i was first semester. so happy to get up and start my day. so happy to walk around and see my surroundings. happy to go to the library and study. happy to wake up at 7:30 even though my first class wasn't until 10:20. happy. happy. happy.

so much happiness.

the first time i went home someone even said i was glowing.

i'm not like that anymore.

and i want that to be me again.

i don't feel like chandler is my home anymore.

and i want to go home.

if maybe i could just take a few people with me back to flagstaff, my life just might be complete.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

"one must sink to the depths in order to rise to the heights."

it's funny how things change.

in the blink of an eye i went from feeling happy and healthy to homesick and depressed. one comment led me to overwhelming sadness. it was dumb, and was meant to be funny, but i didn't take it that way, deleted it, and then just couldn't help but feel. i posted a blog a few days ago about wanting to feel intense emotions. well, there it was, smacking me in the face. i cried. not for very long, and not very hard, but for me, when actual tears come out they mean business. what i was feeling sad about had nothing to do with the comment that put me in that mood at all, which is why i think it's funny how things can change like that.

my brother apparently isn't happy that i'm home. he's frustrated with me because i leave my things around the house and it looks messy. i put some videos up on facebook that he took on my old camera that i found while cleaning my room. i thought he would think they were funny... apparently not, because he said he liked it better when i was moved out and that i was a bitch 90% of the time. i deleted the comment about me being a bitch (that wasn't the comment that put me in the weird mood though).

my mom told me about my brother not being happy i was home (OH, and he told my mom that she should give me a curfew... okay...) and it didn't really affect me too bad. but once i was put in this mood, i just couldn't help but feel like i'm intruding in my own house. like, who does that? moves out only to move back in? sure, i would have had to stay here for the summer, but it wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing. but the only reason my stuff was around the house was because i didn't have a bed, the couch was my bed. and my room was so full of crap that i actually couldn't put anything else in it. nothing of mine is around the house anymore. i plan on doing most everything in my room. i haven't even been home half the time i've been here. i think i've seen my brother two or three times. i don't know what his deal is, but as of now i really don't like the fact that he doesn't want me here. maybe it's because for once he got to be the oldest, coolest sibling (not that i'm cooler than him, but my sister definitely used to look up to me more so than him. now i think it's the other way around). maybe he's jealous that i get to stay out all night and he doesn't? i really don't know. but there's something wrong and i want to know what, but i'm afraid to talk to him about it like my mom says i should.

anyways, after i was put into a weird mood i started looking at maggie's pictures from her summer. i saw how much fun she was having and started to miss all the times we had fun. then i looked at tj's profile. this is when the tears started. i was talking to andrew on fb chat and just couldn't talk to him while i felt so shitty. i know i should have told him about it, it probably would have made me feel better, but i needed this. i needed to feel, something real, something intense. i haven't seen tj in 16 days. and that's one of the hardest things for me about leaving nau. he's still my big brother, no matter what fraternity says he's not. i wrote him a letter, something i'll never actually send to him, but it thanked him for everything he has done for me. he's truly one of the best people i know, and i miss him so much.

so, tonight turned out better than expected (kind of). i was trying to go see andrew, but neither of us have money and decided that it would better to wait until tomorrow (today...) and spend all day with each other, rather than just a few hours. i pretty much spend all of my money on gas to go see him, but i know it's worth it :) i wish he didn't live so far away, because i would love to spend all my time with him, i feel so happy when i'm with him and it's the most amazing thing <3

anyways, i went to stephen's house and got to see my best friend. we went on an adventure for ice and ice cream at mcdonalds. haha, it was pretty much the best :) everyone smoked hookah while i just kind of sat and watched, i still had a good time though. we went to mcdonalds again and i got more food. so much for me being healthy... oh well. i got food from the dollar menu so it was pretty much worth it. ha.

i can't wait for today. i wish i was more tired so i could fall asleep now and start as soon as possible, but i know andrew will probably stay up late and not come down until the afternoon sometime :/ oh well, any time that i get with him is amazing :]

anyways, i should probably go to bed. today has been such an emotional day. wjnjkn. lost party tomorrow (i don't watch lost, i'm going for the free bdubs and cupcakes :D) and seeing andrew :]

"where will i go when i'm feeling blue?"

technically it's only day 16 of my summer, but it feels like it's been so much longer. i haven't actually done that much, but it's been pretty crammed pack with fun and excitement.

i stayed up until about five this morning, just sitting in my new, big, comfy bed. i blogged, but after i did i started thinking. i think there are really only three people who read my blog. dan, andrew as of a few days ago, and me. haha, yes, i like to read my own blog. or at least look at everything i've written and how i've grown in the past month or two that i've had it. well, i've actually had my blog for about a year, but only the blogs from this april and may are visible. haha :) anyways, i was thinking about who actually reads it and if they actually read it and like it. a lot of the times i don't like people knowing exactly what i'm thinking about certain things, but here they are, all of my personal thoughts, written down usually just how and when i think of them. i feel so vulnerable writing them for the world to see, and feeling vulnerable isn't something i have liked feeling in the past. so, in a way i feel liberated every time i post something new, because for so long i was afraid to feel vulnerable, and now i'm immersing myself in it. it feels great, it really does!

sometimes i wonder whether or not my blog will change someone's life. or maybe just their thought process about something. i don't even know if i write about anything deep enough to do that. but i know i've read blogs that have really made me sit down and think about my life. i was thinking about this in the wee hours this morning while i sat in bed listening to priscilla ahn, painting my nails (something i haven't done since i was a kid), and looking at pictures of tattoos, hair, and piercings. will my blog change someone's life? has it already? and has that life been someone i know? maybe someone i've never met who happened to stumble upon it? or maybe, just maybe, has it changed mine?



this is probably going to be a long post of me just rambling on and on. haha.

i know i've already posted a few blogs about this, and it's pretty trivial, but i'm still trying to figure out how i want my hair. haha. but hair is really a big deal for most people, and for the people in my family (except maybe my dad, who has none), we're all very into our hair. on my mom side we all have thick hair that grows pretty fast. right now it's kind of a dark blonde on the verge of brown, and i really like the in between color, i've been trying to go for a natural look the past few years and think that maybe it's time to move on, but i don't know if i want to lose something that is so "me." anyways, besides from the color, i really want a new style that says me. right now it's just long. it doesn't really have any shape and i think it just kind of pulls my look down. i want a new style. i think i was talking about hair with devon and said that a certain hairstyle might not fit my style and he said i don't have a style. ha. so... if that's true, i want one. i've always loved fashion, but a lot of the times i get too afraid to go for things and to just wear whatever i want.

devon and i were talking a few days ago, and we both decided that we need to take more risks. i'm not sure what my first risk will be. once i get a job i guess i'll start making more. i went job hunting with devon a few days ago. i ended up applying to styles for less, forever 21, ross and michael's. it's only been like, two days, but i feel nervous that none of them are going to contact me and i'm not going to get a job, something that is kind of being crucial for me. i feel bad that i've been living off my mom for the past few months. i'm an adult now... and for a while i was living off money that i earned for myself. i was buying food and clothes and gas and whatever i wanted whenever i wanted. it was pretty awesome, except for the fact that i had no life (this was last summer, ha). now i want a job, a life, new clothes, new tattoos, maybe new piercings (?), new furniture for my room, and... i don't know. probably other stuff. ha. i don't want to be overwhelmed, but i want a lot. i don't necessarily want a new life, i like the one i have and the one i had, but i want new things for my life. i haven't bought any clothes in almost a year! it's crazy to even think that, because i used to go shopping at LEAST once a week, usually more. anyways.

lately i've been obsessed with getting on tumblr and looking at pictures of tattoos. as of now i have... four ideas for tattoos. i want the zildjian logo, not the one that actually says "zildjian," but the one that's small and on the edge of the cymbal.

this. haha. i want it on the inside of my right forearm. i play cymbals, and when i prep to crash that's where that logo should hit (if the logo happens to be on that side...) haha. if it were to hit anywhere, it would be there. anyways. i want that. then maybe the actual logo that says zildjian on my wrist where it would sit on the strap when my cymbals are on.

i also want "music is love" tattooed probably in between my hip bones. i'm not completely sure yet, but apparently i have nice hip bones and i think that's a good spot for a tattoo. music has been such a huge part of my life and i really do love it, so why not get this one?

the other two i have already blogged about, and it's the dream tattoo and nowhere man. i want these. bad. i'm not sure where to get the yet though. andrew thought a good place for the dream tattoo would be on my thigh, and i think it would be good too, but i don't know if i want something that visible or big... but i want it kind of big. i'll have to think big time before i get that one done. for nowhere man i think maybe the inside of my feet .

i totally forgot about three other ones that i want. haha. the quotes, "don't think or judge, just listen" and "one must sink to the depths in order to rise to the heights." and then smile on the side of my right pointer finger. haha. i think i'll get that one after i finish my photography certificate? maybe not :)

i've also been thinking about getting another piercing. not sure what. i remember maggie telling me i should get my septum done, and at first i totally said no, but the thought of it creeps into my mind. i don't really tell many people about it, because i'm not sure how accepting my friends are of piercings and stuff. haha. not that that would hold me back, because i know the support me and everything. ha. whatever. i think girls who have a very classic or preppy style who also have piercings and tattoos are the coolest, because everything they have just contrasts with each other. i don't think a lot of people think this is cool or beautiful like me, but i'm also a very accepting person and can try to see beauty in things that a lot of people don't give the time of day too. whatever i do get, i want something small, nothing too outlandish.

i guess back to hair now. ha. i feel like such a girl. i guess i'm thinking i want to get a few inches cut off, but every time i do, i want it longer. now it's the longest it's ever been and i want to cut it. i just hope i don't regret it :( anyways. the biggest thing i'm not sure about is bangs. WHAT THE FUCK BANGS?! whenever i don't have them, i want them. whenever i have them i hate them. STOP TOYING WITH ME. ha. so yeah, devon said i should just go for it. maybe i will.

and that brings me back to devon and i taking chances. we both decided that we want to audition for music city mystique. he has a better chance of making it than me, but we both would need to work really hard to even think about auditioning. i think we're ready for this risk though... maybe, just maybe :)

back to bangs. i the last time i had bangs i felt like a boy. so i think if i did it again i would have to wear makeup and girly clothes to not feel like that. so maybe. maybe it's worth it. ha.

WOAH. the post is ALL over the place.

one more thing, my new bed is amazing :) love it.

just kidding, one more thing. today was awesome :) spent it with andrew and then spent my saturday night with my best friend watching say yes to the dress and four weddings :) QUITE amazing if i do say so myself!

peace and blessings [: )

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
No matter what they say
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay

And everywhere we go
The sun won't always shine
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

so, i guess today is just a day full of lyrics. ha. anyways, i was in the car with andrew and we started listening to this song. i've heard it before, and i've listened to the lyrics and have always thought it was an amazing song, both for the musicality of it and the message.

i try to see the beautiful in everyone. and i don't tell everyone that... but i do. i try to be accepting of everyone, no matter who they are, what they look like, what they do. anything, i try to see the positive in it. and if i don't, i remind myself that i should. and this song is a perfect reminder to me that i should. i'm not going to get a tattoo of this, haha, but i will always be remember that i am beautiful, no matter what they say.

words won't bring me down.

i had a dream.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

i totally already posted a blog today about, "nowhere man" but i've been listening to "dream" by priscilla ahn on loop for the past few hours. it started when i was looking on tumblr at tattoo pictures, like normal (ha), and i saw one of a girl in a tree. i didn't save it, but it got the song stuck in my head. then i all of a sudden remembered a moment when i was listening to this song a few months ago. i was walking back from animal behavior and listening to it on my ipod when the words finally hit me. i listened to them and realized how happy i was. i looked around and saw everything, my vision became more sensitive. i realized a lot in those moments about life.

this song is so perfect.

i've always wanted to live in a field. with a little house, with a few trees and lots of flowers, with a swing in one of the tallest trees.

last year, when i was at my loneliest, i took lots of walks. i thought about life, took pictures, and wished things would change. i wanted to be happier, and i wanted to figure out who i was. i wasn't really asking god, because i'm not religious, but i was asking myself, who i am, who i'm supposed to be.

so i want a tattoo to symbolize this. it'll be the next one i get once i have money. i want it to have a tall tree with lots of leaves and swing with a girl flying off of it. the girl will probably be wearing a white dress, to show innocence, because i feel like this song just... exudes innocence. i feel innocent when i listen to it.

i need to decide where i want it though. i was thinking maybe on my foot, or on the back of my thigh... or maybe my back somewhere. and i it to either be like a photograph and have it be very realistic or very simple lines, with little bits of color, just like the tattoo i have now. maybe i'll have it with just the leaves colored in or the girls dress. OH, maybe i can make the girl's dress red, then it will match the tattoo i have now... HMM. so many ideas :)

i'm excited for it though, so excited :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

nowhere man.

He's a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man,the world is at your command.

He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?

Nowhere Man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all till somebody else
lends you a hand.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man please listen,
you don't know what you're missing
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's a real Nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

i've heard this song so many times, but i never really "heard" it and what it was saying until this past weekend. it started playing while i was driving and halfway through i really started to listen and comprehend the lyrics i was singing. and i realized how amazing this song is, and how i feel i can relate so much to it at the moment.

i've been saying that i feel like nothing is happening in my life and i'm not doing anything to work towards my goals. i feel like a nowhere man. this has been especially so during this past year at nau. i was a nowhere man, sitting in my nowhere land, flagstaff, making all my nowhere plans, becoming a photographer but not working towards that goal at all.

i feel like in the past few months i haven't had an opinion for anything. well, not really the past few months, more like my whole life. i have opinions, but sometimes i keep them to myself, making it seem like i don't have a point of view. and for a lot of things i don't actually have a solid opinion, mostly because i don't know enough about it to form one. but i'd like to know more, create opinions, sound well rounded and educated.

i feel like a nowhere man sometimes :/ but the lines, "nowhere man, don't worry, take your time, don't hurry" give me hope. i know it's probably not supposed to because of the next line, "Leave it all till somebody else lends you a hand" but i still love the first part. i may be a nowhere man right now, but i shouldn't worry. i'm taking my time and i shouldn't hurry into things. i have all summer to enjoy myself and to work towards not being a nowhere man. i think i was these words tattooed on me. not sure where, but i want it.

i haven't really blogged much this summer, but it really has been great. so far i've driven a lot, went to two band concerts, gotten frozen yogurt too many times, been to asudl pre audition clinics, been hated, been loved, built forts, watched lots of tv, wasted time, talked, dealt with drama, had fantastic nights. i really haven't been on the computer very much. my current facebook status is from two days ago. i've talked to tj every single day (except yesterday) through either facebook or text message. i've spent time with friends. i've spent time with family. i've been job hunting with devon. it's seriously been amazing so far, and i'm only two weeks in. i'm hoping to get a job soon. i'm hoping the summer gets better and better.


Sunday, May 16, 2010


so, i know that i'm entering a new chapter in my life. it still doesn't feel real that i'm not going back to nau next year. it makes it feel more real that this weekend i've been going to the pre audition clinic for asu's drumline. i dreaded going, ask anyone. haha. but i went anyways and realized it wasn't as bad as i thought. it's definitely different than anything i've ever done though. not only is there a new tech, but most of the people from last year aren't coming back. a few are though... and two of the girls i cannot stand. at all. but, i've taken on a new attitude for this season. i will hold back, probably for the first time. i'll speak my mind every once in a while, but i won't let the things the other girls say get to me. they're already acting bitchy towards me. devon promised that if i didn't freak out on them, if he was ever there when it happened, he would. and i'm actually hoping it will happen someday. haha. i have to leave in a few minutes actually. but i realized i haven't blogged in a while, and i wanted to write about this weekend. i'm sore, physically and emotionally. i'll get through it.

this weekend was the first time i realized how much i'll actually have to work to reach my goals of marching corps and a top world line. i need to start working out, not to lose weight, but to gain muscle. i want this. so i need to.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

i want to feel... intense emotions. the last truly intense emotion i felt was stress. i want to feel overly emotional. because then maybe i'll be inspired to do something with my life.

the day i was completely stressed out made me do something. it made me realize that i need to have time for myself. this is why i dropped kkpsi, why i started relaxing more and figuring out my dreams. now i feel like i've taken the relaxation to a maximum, but i can't move past it. i'm so bored, i'm so over it. but i can't seem to stop lounging around and getting out of doing stuff.

i want to feel happy. so happy that i can't ever stop smiling. so happy that i make other people happy by just being around me. i've felt this before... first semester of my freshmen year of college. i don't know when i'll feel it again. it's not that i'm not unhappy. i just want that strong, uncontrollable feeling.

it can be of anything. sadness. i haven't felt that in a while. but when i do, i'm inspired to do things. do things that will make me happy again.

maybe uncontrollably in love. with my boyfriend maybe? with my friends? with my family? with life? with chandler? with school? well, the chandler will probably never happen, and i do absolutely love most of my friends. haha. but still.

i just want to feel.

Monday, May 10, 2010

endless summer.

it's been four days since i last blogged. and in these four days my life has changed.

i'm back home. not just for the summer, but for the next year or so. i had to say goodbye to my friends at nau and my life in flagstaff. i've grown. i've already experienced new things. i've dealt with drama. i've had the time of my life.

it's been an interesting couple of days.

i'm not sure which to do. i keep everything because i never want to forget. but lately that's what i've been wanting to do. throw things away, start over, start fresh and new. should i remember all of the bad memories that made me who i am? or forget them, knowing that i am who i am for a reason, and maybe it doesn't matter how i got to be this person?

i feel like all i do now is think, and it's causing me to miss out on life. i wish so badly that i had a job to go to and money to spend on things i want to be doing. i want to be traveling, taking pictures, spending time with my friends and having the most amazing summer and life. i need to stop thinking so much, and live.

this goes with what i said above. i need to start living. i don't need to forget what my dreams are, but i need to start actually doing something to fulfill them.

i'm trying so hard to remember this.

here's to summer. i'm hoping it's amazingly endless.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

last day.

it's finally hitting me. today is my last day at nau. i'm not coming back. i'm almost crying, which is a lot for me. i haven't seen or heard from either of my best friends up here in over a week... i haven't seen most of my friends. i don't know what to do anymore. i want to go home so bad, but i wish i could redo this entire semester. i would do so much differently :(

this is so hard for me... i still can't imagine not coming back to nau.

this whole change thing has been really hard on me. i generally hate change. i absolutely dread it. this past year has been full of complete change.

this time last year i was losing friends, and i was losing them fast. i felt completely lonely. i then graduated and started the loneliest summer of my life. i was terrified to go to college, terrified of that change. i ended up loving it though. i was in a new band, new drumline, i was making new friends. i grew apart from the one good friend i had had in high school who went up to college with me. i had my first college "relationship" that ended in high school drama. i learned to trust. i joined another drumline. i learned to work with people i don't know. i learned to tell people what i really want (something i'm still working on...). i learned a lot. and i changed a lot. and i don't know if i'm ready for everything to change once again.

i don't want to leave without saying goodbye to my friends. but it looks like that's probably how it's going to be...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

you don't really wanna mess yur hurrr up.

i totally already posted a blog today, BUT, i haven't been doing anything all day, so i figured i'd write another. all day i've been obsessed with how i should cut my hair. i haven't gotten it cut since august of 2009, and before that i hadn't had it cut since july of 2008. i used to get my hair cut like, every two months!! i don't know what happened. haha. i think i want to get it cut right below my shoulders with bangs and layers. NOT SURE THOUGH. JNGKENGKJENG. hahaha.

haha, i took these pictures with my sunglasses on because my hurrr is aalll up in the lenses. hahaha. so yeah. i don't know if it will look good with my regular glasses!! i hope so because i might get itttt.

please, please, please let me get what i want.

one more final!! and i'll forever (maybe...) be done with nau. at least for next semester i guess. i think my goal is to someday come back.

my stepmom took me out to lunch today, and right before she dropped me off, she started telling me how i should go to school for something i like, but also something that will make me money. i'm all for making money, but i'm really big on doing what you love. who knows? i could make a TON of money with photography and photography alone. you don't know that, i don't know that, no one knows that. i know they want me to become a doctor... and anyone who knows me really well knows that's absolutely NOT what i want at all. i want to be a photographer, and a well known one. i want photography to take me places, i want to travel the world as a photographer.

i'm listening to she & him, and a song that i've never heard, called, "please, please, please let me get what i want" came on. AH. perfect. please, please, please! let me get what i want. my stepmom was telling me i should go into business or something like that that i DON'T like just so i can get a four year degree and find work somewhere. kreugkjrthnrkjthnkjy. NO. i don't want this. i even looked at mcc's and cgcc's business program. but i don't want to do this. if i decide to like, open my own photography business, then sure, maybe i'll take a few classes. but only if i decide to do that.

also, i feel FAT. haha. it's totally true, but i feel so fat lately. when i get home, i NEED to eat healthy and go to the gym all the time. and get a job. so yeah. ANYWAYS.

i had a final at 7:30 this morning and i'm freaking tired.

i'm realizing that all my blogs are so scattered most of the time. haha. i kind of just write exactly what i'm thinking and when i start thinking about something else i'll write about that. HA. i'm awesome.

oh, and also, i love zooey deschanel's hair. and style. pretty much everything about her is AWESOME.

I WANT. i don't know if my face is the right shape for this hairstyle though...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


i have two more days at nau. not even, more like one and a half. and then i'll be home for good. i'm both happy and sad. one person who makes me sad is tj. i've seen him more today than i have most days this entire semester. we got to go out to lunch together at oregano's, where he works, and i ate SO much food. i'm pretty much still full and we ate hours ago.

i took my math final a few hours ago. i didn't even answer two of them. but it's the last time i ever have to take math. hopefully... right now i'm studying (was studying...) for my spanish final that's tomorrow morning at 7:30!!!! NO ME GUSTA. i don't feel completely confident, but i don't feel horrible. i'm ready to get it over with so i can take a nap and start studying for animal behavior so i can be done with that too. AND THEN LEAVE. part of me wants to stay thursday night, just to have another night in my dorm, but another part of me just wants to get out of here.

i know i should study, i don't want to have a bad gpa, i've never had a bad gpa... i guess i'm feeling guilty for spending so much money (my parents spending so much money), on a semester that i completely wasted.

i need to go to bed. i have a final in 6 and 1/2 hours. ewwwww.

should be studying.

my first final is in an hour and three minutes. i've probably studied a total of one hour for it. i feel so bad and guilty, yet i can't seem to force myself to study. i know there's no use now. i should have stayed at the library, instead of leaving right when tj left, just because i love the short car ride back with him to my dorm, getting to talk for just a few minutes. i secretly want to just fill in random answers and take ten minutes to finish because tj told me he would take me out to oregano's, where he works and where i have never been. i'm so excited, because i only have two days and about four hours until i leave flagstaff for good. next time i come here, it will only be to visit... :(

yesterday i talked with my roommate, brianna, and my ra, jade. brianna told her i wasn't coming back, and jade told me i should have talked to her first, and i should have. i completely should have talked to more people who really know what they're talking about. but, i do think that getting a certificate for photography will give me the same opportunities as a four year degree, and will be SO much cheaper. i just hope that i find something else i want to do. maybe if i do i'll come back to nau. everyday my mind seems to change. one day i think that'll happen, the next day i think i'll just stay down there. part of me wants to wait until i age out so i can do drumline and drum corps.

so, i definitely started writing this before my exam, and got sidetracked and left without finishing. haha. i just took my astronomy exam, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. we'll see soon i guess. i'm going to lunch with tj soon. i'm pretty excited :)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

happy birthday nana.

it's my nana's birthday today. she's 70 years old. for the past few years she's been dealing with breast cancer, and she never thought she would make it to 70. i emailed her, but my now my dad wants me to call her. i don't know what my deal is with calling people, and talking to them on the phone, but i absolutely hate and dread it. after i do it, i realize that it really wasn't that bad, but beforehand i can't help but be so scared of it. it's really weird. and i'm pretty sure i know exactly where it stems from, but that's another blog for another day.

i don't know why my nana has such high hopes for me. she emails me all the time, thinks i'm so smart and successful. she has all these dreams for me, but doesn't for my brother. no one in my family has high for him, except me i think. i really think he's going to get himself together, he already has been in the past year. anyways, she was always so proud of me when i got good grades, but didn't know that in high school i barely tried, and i hated being there for the most part, it was just the result of my classes not being that hard to get good grades in. she supports me with what i want to do, but i know if she could choose another profession for me besides photography, she would. my dad's whole family would. just last night he asked me if i was interested in becoming a doctor or a pharmacist. i know it stemmed from me being really interested in the show we were watching (csi), but i in no way want to go into anything having to do with medicine. at all. i've been telling my grandma that i've been thinking about psychology, and i really have been... i just don't know if i'm ready to do the work right now. especially not after this semester. and i don't know what i would do with it. i want to be a photographer. i want to find a way to make that a full time profession. i know that's hard, you don't have to tell me. everyone keeps telling me that.

i guess i just don't understand what my nana sees in me. i'm not like her. sure, i guess we have some things in common, but i don't want to be like her. her life doesn't seem that bad, she's rich, has lots of friends and throws lots of parties, she has an amazing house. but i would never want to make my granddaughter feel the way she makes me feel sometimes. which is like, i'm not good enough, and that i'm not living up to her standards.

have you ever heard the quote, "don't do what your grandmother wouldn't approve of?" it's around that at least... anyways, when i'm doing things she wouldn't approve of, i don't think that, and i never will.

welllll. i made the call. not that bad. but i hated it. every second of it. and i almost forgot to say happy birthday.


Saturday, May 1, 2010


i'm at my dad's house right now. we went on a walk after dinner, and i realized that my dad and i have the exact same stride. it got me thinking about how much of a daddy's girl i used to be. when i was making my senior project, i found SO many pictures of me and my dad, but not very many of me and my mom. i guess it all stopped when him and my mom got divorced and i grew up and stopped seeing him as much. my dad and i are so alike, and i wish i still had that relationship with him, the relationship we had when i was younger than 10.

i found the first version of my senior project. i made it on my mom's old laptop. she doesn't have it anymore, so the real version that i turned in and presented is gone forever, but i found one that's pretty close.

haha, i just looked at it, i'm glad i changed it, because it's actually not close at all, and it's totally not as good as the one i did.

but, i wish i could do another one. a... "i-graduated-a-year-ago-and-learned-so much-more-about-my-life-since-i-did-my-senior-project project." haha. but seriously. i only have a week left at nau. it still doesn't feel like it... and it definitely doesn't feel like i won't be coming back. half of me is so worried that i'll have the most horrible time next year, but the other half is so excited to start this new life, because that's really what i feel it will be. a new life.

i think... i'm going to make it. my... i-graduated-a-year-ago-and-learned-so much-more-about-my-life-since-i-did-my-senior-project project. but just for me. i don't need anyone to see it... but i feel like i need so desperately to make it. to show myself the changes i've made in my life.

OH. and being home makes me realize how much i curse now. i don't like it. i never used to curse. i do it without thinking now... which is someone i never wanted to be, probably the only change i don't like about my new self. i cussed in front of my little sister :( i don't like that.