i've been working on a blog for a few days now, about my first photography assignment. i still haven't finished it, but i really wanted to write something else.
i'm incredibly... sad right now. i don't think people understand how sensitive i can really be. most of the time i play things off like it's no big deal to me, but really it hurts so bad. tonight i had to work during a rush event for kkpsi. it was suppose to last until 10pm. every weekend i struggle to make plans. for some people it's easy, they just call whoever up and go party with them. for me... i only do things if i'm invited to do them, mostly because when i do ask people if they want to do something they shoot me down because they already have plans. i'm friends with a lot of people up here, but i'm usually an after thought when inviting people over. because of this, and years of this, i hardly ever do things on fridays nights, which is why i was super excited to have plans tonight. i was going to see all of my friends and get all dressed up for the formal rush event. i rushed home from work only to get in my car to leave and get a text from jane saying it was canceled... i almost started crying. i came back inside and texted tj saying that now i have no plans. no text back.
i love flagstaff, but i guess i can't always hide from loneliness, can i?
i hate tonight.
i hate that i feel like this. i hate that i almost wish i was still at work, just to have an excuse for not doing anything. i hate that i'm too shy to text someone right now to see if they too have no plans. i hate that i never make plans and expect other people to make them for me.
i'm trying so hard to stay positive about everything going on in my life right now. i could be in chandler, still hanging out with no one. i could not have just gotten my paycheck (ONLY $49.75 WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!), i could have no friends and no plans.
ejngkjnhjknrth. i guess life isn't always perfect. i just feel like maybe i'm not living it to the complete fullest.
oh, i decided to rush for kkpsi again. i'm not sure why but part of me is saying, "no don't do it!" and the other half is saying, "why wouldn't you do it?" i think i'm just worried about time and not having any of it. i'm guessing i'll probably have things to do on the weekends though... that's not my reason though. haha.
anyways. enkjnhd. tonight sucks. this weekend will probably suck do to the amount of homework i have. and cis 120 sucks because i'm WAY behind and can't drop without losing the money for the class and without losing my health insurance... SUCKVILLE.
sorry for this rant. i really needed it though.