Monday, April 26, 2010

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery.

"the clock is running. make the most of today. time waits for no man. yesterday is history. tomorrow is a mystery. today is a gift. that's why it is called the present."

i saw part of this quote written on the ground when i was walking back from spanish. it made me want to blog.

i was going to write about how i'm going to start appreciating the present and stop thinking about the future and stop dwelling in the past.

but, i feel like this is the one thing i'm not doing. i'm not focusing on the present. right now, right this second. all i can think about is my future, and how things will change in the future. not the present... i'm not doing anything to change right now. i went to spanish this morning, but i found out that i slept through my listening portion of the final because i stayed up until 4 in the morning the day of and decided not to go to class, only to find out today what i had missed. i'm not going to ceramics today. well, i am, but not until after class is over. we're supposed to be going to my teacher's house today for a little party, and i don't want to go, but i need to work on stuff afterwards, so that's when i'm going.

i only have two weeks left at nau. not even two weeks actually, 12 days. i realized last night that i've only spent three weekends in flagstaff. i should stay here this weekend, but i decided to go to my dad's house for my last weekend in flagstaff. i was going to go this past weekend, but i decided to drive down to tempe to see andrew. i spent the entire weekend with him. we didn't really do all that much, but it was fun, and i miss him already. i guess that was me making the most of the present... when it was the present that is. i probably shouldn't have gone because i spent about $50.

driving up last night i felt weird. not only did i feel paranoid, but sad. i felt paranoid because i had to pee, and i didn't know where to stop and it was 10pm... yeah. i was paranoid!! haha. it was weird. when i finally got on the road though i was sad. and i think a bit scared for these next two weeks. i have so much to do this week. i absolutely cannot wait for this summer to start, but a part of me is so scared to finish this semester, knowing that i won't be coming back to nau. i think i was sad that last night was the last time i'll be driving back up from phoenix to flagstaff after a weekend in the valley. i can't imagine next semester. i know i shouldn't, i should just live for today, but i can't help it.

i can't helping thinking what life would be like if i hadn't done so much this semester. what if i hadn't done drumline? i'd probably still be going to nau next semester, i'd probably be a brother of kkpsi right now, i probably wouldn't be failing any of my classes. i probably wouldn't have a boyfriend. i probably wouldn't be good friends with halonna. i probably wouldn't be friends with anyone that i met from drumline. what if i hadn't rushed kkpsi at all? i probably wouldn't have met and become such good friends with tj, i probably wouldn't be behind in any of my classes, my decision to leave would probably be easier for me, i probably wouldn't feel jealous every time i look at pictures from the kkpsi brothers. what if i hadn't taken 18 credits? i probably wouldn't be failing any classes, i'd probably have more time to relax, i probably would have had more time for kkpsi, i probably would have had more time for drumline, i probably would have had more time for everything.

things would be different. but, i had to learn to be selfish, and do something for me. i dropped kkpsi, even though i loved it, in order to have more time. i'm glad i did, but it makes me sad every time i look at brother's pictures from different events that i couldn't be a part of.

in two weeks, i will be completely done with this semester, my time at nau, and with dwelling in the past. i won't think about how things could have been.

i don't think i'll ever stop thinking about my future, because i want so much, and there's no possible way i could not think about it. but i think i'll stop thinking about it every second of everyday. because starting this summer, i am going to start living in the present, because after all, it is a gift. tomorrow is a mystery, this summer is a mystery, next semester is a mystery.

and i can't wait.

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