i'm not a very good writer, but i like getting things out. it's such a release for me to write what i'm feeling down on paper (or in a blog), especially when it's something i don't want to tell anyone. i've always been like this. i've found old journals that i used to write in in elementary school, talking about random stuff that doesn't even make sense. i used to write stories too, about what i wanted my life to be like. i never really wrote in a journal on a regular basis until i was in seventh grade. i went to bogle junior high, home of the bulldogs. i had almost no friends and no hobbies, but all of a sudden i found a little something in my english class. we started reading absolutely normal chaos in class, and i absolutely loved it. i took it home that night and read until i finished it, at four o'clock in the morning. i crept downstairs and took a notebook from the space in the pantry where we keep all the school supplies, grabbed a pencil and started writing. the book gave me so much inspiration to keep a journal on a day to day basis. i always wanted to write, even when i didn't have much to say. most of the entries are detailing everything that happened in school that day, which boy i liked at the time, which friends were pissing me off. but i could never throw them away. and i'm so sad i deleted some of my posts!!! :( i will make up for it though :)
the past two days almost all i've done is read danielle's blog posts. i started from the beginning (september 2008) and right now i'm at july 2009. i still have a lot to catch up on, but i feel like i'm learning so much about her and about myself through reading these posts. she has the most amazing word choice and is so thoughtful. it was weird to read through things she's told me about, and to really see exactly what she thought and felt about it at the time. she's so completely in love with trey right now, and it was so weird to read posts about her being so completely in love with casey, her ex-boyfriend. and then to read the posts where he breaks up with her and she has the hardest time getting over him. and then to read one (this was before casey broke up with her actually) where her car wouldn't start and two guys she didn't know (one being trey) helped her jump her car (with my cables). it's so weird to think that then she didn't know any of us, and now she's with trey, and best friends with me.
i've been thinking a lot about next year. i've been trying not to think about it, and just let the right decision come to me. because it seems like that's happened a lot to me lately (figuring out what i want to do with my life, deciding to drop kkpsi). i figured that this would come easily to me too. and i thought it did... but now i find myself already regretting it, and not excited at all. i know i'll probably like classes down there better, but i really do not want to do asu's marching band, and i really do not want to take a season off. i'm afraid if i do either i'll end up being super depressed, and i definitely don't want that. i want to be happy, but i know either way, no matter what decision i make, i'm not going to be absolutely happy. i feel like right now, while i'm still in school, there has to be something i do that right now, in this moment, that doesn't make me happy. whether it's going to class at nau, asu's marching band, being away from one set of friends, being away from my family... something is going to make me unhappy. i don't want to be the one to choose, i want someone to do it for me. i know i should probably learn to just do what i want, but sometimes it's so hard for me to figure that out.
last august i felt so unprepared for college. when i left i was so nervous and didn't think i would do very well and didn't think i would even like it. i was wrong. so wrong. and i think the fact that i didn't go home very often kept me liking it. and it was weird, because there were so few times when i actually did want to go home because i was having so much fun here at nau. in the first few weeks it was because of mike. then because of my roommate, halonna, maggie, and so many other people. i guess there's a statistic that says if you go home every weekend in college, you're less likely to go back. first semester, i in no way had this problem. second semester i started drumline down in peoria, and every chance i got, i went home. this was probably a bad idea, because now i don't want to come back.
i'm so torn. i'm trying to make the best decision for me and my future career. i'm trying not to make my decision based on anyone besides me. and it's so hard for me to leave nau knowing i'm leaving behind such amazing people that i've grown so close to over the past school year. the biggest people i will have the hardest time not being around are brianna, maggie, tj and jane. there are others who i will miss, but these people by far the most. but i know i can't make my decision based off of them. i also know that when i am down in chandler, i will be able to (and definitely will) see my friends down there everyday. dan, trey and alex are the biggest. my boyfriend, andrew is also in the phoenix area, and so is halonna. i'm trying to tell myself that i made my decision to go to mcc based on me, and me alone, but i can't help feel that these people influenced me. dan, trey and alex are all going to mcc next year. i'm taking two classes with alex, possibly two with dan, and possibly one with trey. we plan to carpool and to help motivate each other to go to class and do our homework. i think right now none of us have this motivation.
i'm trying to tell myself i'm not taking the easy way out, just a different way. because this decision definitely wasn't easy. i have to do what's right for me. i went to breakfast with my roommate, brianna, and she told me that at least i'm doing this now. i'm figuring out what i want to do at a young age. if i don't like being home, i can always come back. i have time.
i have time. and i'm going to take it.
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