i think i may be having a crisis.
probably not. but lately i've been feeling so... not happy. i hate this. when i wake up every morning i want to feel exhilarated, happy to wake up and live. instead, i find myself waking up, the day being half over, not wanting to get out of bed. when i do get out of bed i usually just sit around and do nothing. i see my friends, which is usually the one of the only highlights of my days. some days, i get to see andrew, another highlight. but other than that, i feel like i'm drowning. drowning into a life i wanted, but now am hating. i don't want to be stuck in this house forever, i only wanted to be here for the summer. i wish so badly that i can go back to nau next semester, even though what i wanted was to stay home. i don't feel like i'm having a crisis because i want to go back, but a crisis because i feel i can't make up my mind.
do i want to stay in chandler? do i want to go back to flagstaff?
will mcc be better for me? will nau be better for me?
is this what i want?
what do i want?
i was talking to andrew about teaching last night. he thinks i should ask the cymbal tech from the school he works at if i can watch over him to kind of learn how to become a tech and then maybe someday take over. i'm afraid to ask because i think i might offend him and he could say no, and then for the rest of the time that he knows me (he was my tech for breakthrough), he'll think of me as the girl who thought i could take his job.
when did i start caring so much about what other people think of me?
this semester, when i was deciding to rush for kkpsi, i almost stopped myself. why? because one of my best friends thought it was dumb. andrew thought it was dumb. most of the people in breakthrough thought it was dumb. and when i thought about it, that was the only reason i didn't want to do it. why did i care so much?
why do i care what other people think of me? is it just that since i started trusting people, i've been trusting too much, to the point where i can't do things i want to do that they don't like because i think they may stop trusting me in return?
maybe the only reason i never cared what people thought was because before i started trusting people no one actually cared what i did. and it's not like i was ever doing anything people didn't approve of. but... i don't know.
i don't know what i'm feeling.
i'm not sure what to do, or what i want. i thought i wanted this, to be home doing nothing for the summer. but i think since i did nothing all semester, i actually want to be out there, working, reading, seeing my friends, being productive. i feel like i just don't know how to do that anymore.
andrew said i was thinking like a pessimist last night. i've always thought of myself as an optimist. but now i can see how i'm not. i'm not optimistic anymore. i think negatively about most things. i don't want to be that way, but i don't know if i can stop.
i don't know if i want to stop.
i think maybe this is all stemming from me not being in flagstaff anymore. i thought i had found myself there. and i was right. i did find parts of myself. but i didn't find the entire me. if only i can go back to find the rest. maybe then, i'll finally feel as happy as i was first semester. so happy to get up and start my day. so happy to walk around and see my surroundings. happy to go to the library and study. happy to wake up at 7:30 even though my first class wasn't until 10:20. happy. happy. happy.
so much happiness.
the first time i went home someone even said i was glowing.
i'm not like that anymore.
and i want that to be me again.
i don't feel like chandler is my home anymore.
and i want to go home.
if maybe i could just take a few people with me back to flagstaff, my life just might be complete.