it's funny how things change.
in the blink of an eye i went from feeling happy and healthy to homesick and depressed. one comment led me to overwhelming sadness. it was dumb, and was meant to be funny, but i didn't take it that way, deleted it, and then just couldn't help but feel. i posted a blog a few days ago about wanting to feel intense emotions. well, there it was, smacking me in the face. i cried. not for very long, and not very hard, but for me, when actual tears come out they mean business. what i was feeling sad about had nothing to do with the comment that put me in that mood at all, which is why i think it's funny how things can change like that.
my brother apparently isn't happy that i'm home. he's frustrated with me because i leave my things around the house and it looks messy. i put some videos up on facebook that he took on my old camera that i found while cleaning my room. i thought he would think they were funny... apparently not, because he said he liked it better when i was moved out and that i was a bitch 90% of the time. i deleted the comment about me being a bitch (that wasn't the comment that put me in the weird mood though).
my mom told me about my brother not being happy i was home (OH, and he told my mom that she should give me a curfew... okay...) and it didn't really affect me too bad. but once i was put in this mood, i just couldn't help but feel like i'm intruding in my own house. like, who does that? moves out only to move back in? sure, i would have had to stay here for the summer, but it wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing. but the only reason my stuff was around the house was because i didn't have a bed, the couch was my bed. and my room was so full of crap that i actually couldn't put anything else in it. nothing of mine is around the house anymore. i plan on doing most everything in my room. i haven't even been home half the time i've been here. i think i've seen my brother two or three times. i don't know what his deal is, but as of now i really don't like the fact that he doesn't want me here. maybe it's because for once he got to be the oldest, coolest sibling (not that i'm cooler than him, but my sister definitely used to look up to me more so than him. now i think it's the other way around). maybe he's jealous that i get to stay out all night and he doesn't? i really don't know. but there's something wrong and i want to know what, but i'm afraid to talk to him about it like my mom says i should.
anyways, after i was put into a weird mood i started looking at maggie's pictures from her summer. i saw how much fun she was having and started to miss all the times we had fun. then i looked at tj's profile. this is when the tears started. i was talking to andrew on fb chat and just couldn't talk to him while i felt so shitty. i know i should have told him about it, it probably would have made me feel better, but i needed this. i needed to feel, something real, something intense. i haven't seen tj in 16 days. and that's one of the hardest things for me about leaving nau. he's still my big brother, no matter what fraternity says he's not. i wrote him a letter, something i'll never actually send to him, but it thanked him for everything he has done for me. he's truly one of the best people i know, and i miss him so much.
so, tonight turned out better than expected (kind of). i was trying to go see andrew, but neither of us have money and decided that it would better to wait until tomorrow (today...) and spend all day with each other, rather than just a few hours. i pretty much spend all of my money on gas to go see him, but i know it's worth it :) i wish he didn't live so far away, because i would love to spend all my time with him, i feel so happy when i'm with him and it's the most amazing thing <3
anyways, i went to stephen's house and got to see my best friend. we went on an adventure for ice and ice cream at mcdonalds. haha, it was pretty much the best :) everyone smoked hookah while i just kind of sat and watched, i still had a good time though. we went to mcdonalds again and i got more food. so much for me being healthy... oh well. i got food from the dollar menu so it was pretty much worth it. ha.
i can't wait for today. i wish i was more tired so i could fall asleep now and start as soon as possible, but i know andrew will probably stay up late and not come down until the afternoon sometime :/ oh well, any time that i get with him is amazing :]
anyways, i should probably go to bed. today has been such an emotional day. wjnjkn. lost party tomorrow (i don't watch lost, i'm going for the free bdubs and cupcakes :D) and seeing andrew :]