Sunday, May 2, 2010

happy birthday nana.

it's my nana's birthday today. she's 70 years old. for the past few years she's been dealing with breast cancer, and she never thought she would make it to 70. i emailed her, but my now my dad wants me to call her. i don't know what my deal is with calling people, and talking to them on the phone, but i absolutely hate and dread it. after i do it, i realize that it really wasn't that bad, but beforehand i can't help but be so scared of it. it's really weird. and i'm pretty sure i know exactly where it stems from, but that's another blog for another day.

i don't know why my nana has such high hopes for me. she emails me all the time, thinks i'm so smart and successful. she has all these dreams for me, but doesn't for my brother. no one in my family has high for him, except me i think. i really think he's going to get himself together, he already has been in the past year. anyways, she was always so proud of me when i got good grades, but didn't know that in high school i barely tried, and i hated being there for the most part, it was just the result of my classes not being that hard to get good grades in. she supports me with what i want to do, but i know if she could choose another profession for me besides photography, she would. my dad's whole family would. just last night he asked me if i was interested in becoming a doctor or a pharmacist. i know it stemmed from me being really interested in the show we were watching (csi), but i in no way want to go into anything having to do with medicine. at all. i've been telling my grandma that i've been thinking about psychology, and i really have been... i just don't know if i'm ready to do the work right now. especially not after this semester. and i don't know what i would do with it. i want to be a photographer. i want to find a way to make that a full time profession. i know that's hard, you don't have to tell me. everyone keeps telling me that.

i guess i just don't understand what my nana sees in me. i'm not like her. sure, i guess we have some things in common, but i don't want to be like her. her life doesn't seem that bad, she's rich, has lots of friends and throws lots of parties, she has an amazing house. but i would never want to make my granddaughter feel the way she makes me feel sometimes. which is like, i'm not good enough, and that i'm not living up to her standards.

have you ever heard the quote, "don't do what your grandmother wouldn't approve of?" it's around that at least... anyways, when i'm doing things she wouldn't approve of, i don't think that, and i never will.


welllll. i made the call. not that bad. but i hated it. every second of it. and i almost forgot to say happy birthday.

whatever.

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