this is it.

i'm running out of time to prepare myself. i don't know if i'm good enough, i don't know if i'm strong enough. i do know that i'm as ready as i'll ever be, i have the money, the experience, and most importantly, the passion. i've never wanted anything more in my life at this point.

i'm getting worried. i can't eat i'm so nervous. i've been nervous for all of my other auditions, but once i got there i realized i didn't really have any competition. i hate that that sounds so conceded, but it's true. i've never really been to a real audition where i know everyone there is going to be just as good as me, if not better. i've been to auditions where there a few people i know are just as good or better than me, but i've never had to worry that i wouldn't make the line. now though... now it's different. everyone is my competition. everyone there will be working just as hard as me, will want it just as much as me, will have just as much passion as me.

maybe not though. i honestly have no idea what it will be like and that scares the absolute shit out of me. i can only hope that everything goes smoothly, that i at least learn something and have a fun time, even if i don't make it. i'm going to try my hardest to put myself out there and do the best i possibly can. but i really just don't know what to expect, and i wish my butterflies would go away.

it's hard to be confident when you've never been to an audition that really means something. my first ever audition turned out to be me competing against no one, having more knowledge about marching cymbals than everyone who came. i ended up being not only the section leader, but the tech as well. my second audition i was nervous for, but there were only a couple people there. i wasn't really sure if i was strong enough or whatever, but i'm positive i would have made it had i gone back. sometimes i wish i did, because the third place i auditioned for... was almost a joke, looking back on it. my third audition was right after my second audition, and there were about 13 people there. there was one person who was really really good, and the rest were almost all high school kids who had never really played before. i remember being excited to find out i made it, but one of the only reasons i actually did it was because it was about $1000 cheaper than the other line (not even exaggerating). the cymbal line was... all right. not good really. i had fun sometimes, but it was really just a dramatic season. my fourth audition i competed against 2 other people, one of which was my high school tech, and the other was a student from another school who was also taught by my high school tech... so it was all kinds of weird. i didn't end up going back to that drumline until after auditions were over, and i made the line anyways.

so yeah, i wouldn't say that i've ever really had a "real" audition. nothing that counted, nothing that wasn't for sure. nothing that would change my life if i made it.

i don't really know what else to write besides the fact that i really hate feeling nervous, and that hatred is probably the reason i haven't done anything like this before... i've never done something this huge. i mean, i guess in certain ways i have, but this is so huge for me.

all i can think about is myself, doing the best that i can, and having a good time. because at least if i don't make it, i'd like to remember it as a good experience, not a random audition that didn't mean anything to me.