auditions for drumline are this weekend. and i have no idea if i'm ready. i've been working my whole year towards this weekend, towards this season. saving up my money and working out a lot. i know i've slacked up the past month or so, but all of my previous efforts have done a lot for me.

at the beginning of this year i lived in flagstaff. i was unhappy because there really was no reason for me to be happy. in flagstaff, sure, i was at least in flagstaff. but i was working at burger king and i wasn't marching. i was growing apart from my friends because i wasn't in school. i couldn't get over the fact that i wasn't marching. i decided to march. and then i decided to move. when i moved home i didn't have a job, i was stuck marching a drumline i hated, but that i had moved my whole life for. when i finally did get a job all of my money had to go somewhere - my landlord and then my drumline director. i decided before the season was over that i couldn't do another drumline like this. i couldn't keep doing this to myself.

i started working out. my favorite cymbal line and drumline was doing really well and it motivated me to audition for them this year. i thought about it nonstop everyday, while i was working out, while i was working, while i was sitting around, while i practiced, while i did everything. i imagined myself on the line, i imagined myself moving, i imagined myself immersed in a good line and absolutely loving it.

and then it hit me... i'm not good enough for that line. how could i be? i'm just an arizona girl with a big butt and not much muscle. i'm lazy and i've never been on a good line. i started giving up subconsciously. i avoided getting into new tv shows or books all summer, because i knew it would take away my focus, but i let myself slip. i started rereading all of the harry potter books. it took me 2 weeks. and for two weeks the only working out i did was occasionally running. after i was done though, my motivation was gone. my dreams had been shattered by the realization that i would be slaughtered at auditions. i kept reading different books. i started watching movies all the time. i stopped working out everyday.

i started thinking about a different drumline. they aren't my absolutely favorite, but they're just as good. their cymbal line is good, but the technique is more like mine, so i thought i'd have a better chance. i decided i'd go out for their line instead. but i felt nothing. no excitement, no nerves, no motivation. just nothing.

this weekend i emailed someone who auditioned last year to see what auditions were like, because i had no idea what to expect, and once i got that reply, motivation came crawling into me. i only wish i had asked her sooner, but it doesn't really matter at this point, because now i'm excited and motivated and nervous.

whenever i daydream about it or think about it or whatever, i always think about me making it. i mean, it's probably not healthy to sit there and think about not making it... honestly though, i don't know if i expect myself to make it or not. sometimes i forget how good the line actually is. i watched videos of last year and thought, "wow, i'll never be that good..."

i have people telling me that of course i'll make it, or that i'll at least make a good world group, even if it isn't this one. but then i hear the way people talk about others who are auditioning for equivalent groups, and how could i possibly think after that that everyone who says i'll make it is being truthful to me? i hate to think that people would lie to me about it, but why would they tell me to my face that i have no chance?

a coworker was trying to tell me that i should have nothing to worry about because of how long i've been doing drumline. i've been marching for 6 years now, which is actually a lot more experience than most. but i know that people make really good lines with no cymbal experience at all, so i'm sure they base the audition on how fast you learn. i'm a fast learner, but can i learn as fast as these people, especially when i'm already experienced?

i guess this is just a rant on how nervous i am for this weekend. i know i need to feel confident, but it's hard when i have no idea what to expect from this audition. i've never really had to audition against good people before, i've never had to worry i wouldn't make a line. i've never had to prepare like this.

i feel like i'm not prepared. this past month or so that i slacked off really kind of killed me, but at the same time, i've been preparing all year for this, so that month really hasn't done that much in hindsight. i guess i really won't know until i go and see what are auditions are like.

when i sat down to write this post, i actually was going to write about this summer and how i've changed. a reflection post. i guess since this post is already really long, so i guess i'll summarize.

i've changed a lot this summer. i've actually spent a lot of my time with people who are younger than me, but they've helped me grow in so many ways. i'm still the same me, i don't smoke or drink or party, and i'm still not really very social. but, in a way, they've helped me realize that it's okay. it's okay to be myself.

i've been trying to think of other things they taught me... but they didn't really teach me many lessons i guess. they just helped me grow as a person, to be more open minded. the girls i worked with were the first friends i ever really made outside of band, friends who had nothing to do with band or music. i had to force myself to be able to talk about other things, because before i never could.

i think other than helping me branch out, they helped me be happy with my life how it is. which is one of the reasons i stopped thinking about drumline. i stopped thinking about my future for once, yeah i didn't think i was good enough, but for the longest time i think i knew i wasn't good enough, but i dreamt anyways. i needed somewhere to go in my thoughts that wasn't here. i needed something good to think about when my life wasn't all i wanted it to be. but they helped me, without knowing, realize how great my life is right now. they helped me to live in the moment and stop obsessing over my future.

i was so happy here, am so happy here, that i even started thinking that maybe i wouldn't go out of state for drumline. maybe i wouldn't do drumline. maybe i'll just stay and do what i've been doing. but like the saying goes, all good things must come to an end, and a lot of the girls i used to work with don't work there anymore. there are new people, but for some reason, i still feel happy about it. i love my job. i love the people i work with.

i still don't really know if i'm ready to move. i've created a life here in chandler. a happy life where i have a job and a place to live and friends. i've had to start my life over so many times in the past couple years. moving back and forth from flagstaff to chandler was exhausting because i always had to start over. find a place to live with a roommate i don't know and find a job and find friends. it's scary for a girl who doesn't like change. and now that i am happy where i am, how could i possibly pick up and move again? this is what i've been working towards, what i've been living for, and now i don't know if i even want it.

maybe part of me doesn't want to regret not doing drumline more than i want to do drumline. i also know that when i get to auditions and see what it's really like that i'll forget everything and want to move there in a second. i've never been on a good line. and i want more than anything to be on a good line. i love playing and marching and performing. i love it, and i can't see myself not doing it. this is something i'm so passionate about... i can't forget anymore.

/rant.