Monday, March 7, 2011

"waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste your time and you've lost a part of your life."

i will agree with anyone who says i made last season dramatic for the cymbal line, because frankly, i did. i didn't agree with the section leader and sometimes i would purposefully disagree with him, just for the sake of proving him wrong. i know there isn't just one way to do things, especially in drumline. i know that last season could have gone better. but i can justify it (to myself at least) by saying that i learned from my mistakes. i didn't respect the section leader when i should have, no matter what. usually respect is something i give to everyone until they prove to me they don't deserve it.

i can honestly say that at the end of last season, no matter how much drama i caused, i wasn't exactly ready for it to be over. after state i still wanted to go down for rehearsals. i felt like i could have kept going and that by the end i did manage to salvage my relationships with most of the cymbal line.

when i decided to do drumline this year... i thought it would be better. i didn't want to do breakthrough again and i really thought i would learn more at mosaic. i don't regret not doing breakthrough. i'm pretty picky and i know i wouldn't like being on their cymbal line due to technique alone. but i never thought i would regret being involved in a drumline as much i regret joining mosaic. i generally don't regret anything. if i make a mistake, i view it as a learning experience, not a regret.

what have i learned at mosaic?

how to play cards.

yeah. i think that's it. i tried really hard to think of something else too.

it honestly bothers me that i care so much, but this is something i am so passionate about. and to regret something i have so much passion for is killing me. i've never had to hold back so much and never felt this disrespected for speaking up. i decided a while ago to only speak up about things that i really feel strongly about. i spoke up about our floor, and most of the time, i was just agreeing with people, but for some reason i, over other people who were the ones suggesting things, was attacked by people, asking if i had ever seen wgi finals before and saying that my ideas (that were ideas other people came up with), were impossible to paint...

today i was trying to tell my section leader, someone who i have respected all season, even if i don't necessarily with her, that i didn't have enough money to buy something we really didn't need and something that i already have, just not exactly the same as what she was telling us to get. i said it very politely and was answered with well this is what we're doing. "no more discussion." as much as i tried to explain that i have absolutely no money to buy anything, no matter how much it costs, i was given "no exceptions" and "no more arguments." my mom is a very blunt person who hardly ever curses, but when explaining it to her, she thought it was way out of line and started using the eff bomb (it was slightly funny).

we started talking about my reputation. because i said i won't quit, even though i want to, because i'm not a quitter. so she asked me what the rest of the line probably thinks of me based off of what they have seen so far. and honestly, i would say most people probably view me as an dramatic, stuck up, dumb bitch. i really hope that's not what people think, but at this point, i really don't care. the people in this drumline who actually know me and talk to me don't think that, so i couldn't give a fuck.

but it got me thinking about what i think i am. i personally think that i am opinionated, experienced, and a natural leader. i can talk about drumline for days because i've been doing it for so long and it's something i'm very passionate about. outside of drumline i'm a really sweet person who would do anything for almost anyone. i'm really open minded about most things, but when it comes to things i know really well, like cymbals, i have very strong opinions. when i tell people my opinions, they tend to think that i'm whining, when i'm just telling them what i think. i care so much about the things i do, and it hurts me when people attack me for something i feel i don't deserve to be attacked for. almost every time i say something i have to say, "i don't mean to be dramatic," or "i'm not trying to be difficult," because i think that people think that's what i am. but really, i have a lot more experience than most people at mosaic, and i know a lot about drumline. i'm very observant. i watch drumline videos all the time and it boggles my mind that people think there isn't a difference between mosaic and groups like pulse or mcm. that we do things the same as them. obviously we don't, otherwise we would be as good as them... i read about these groups, how they were started, what they did to get to where they are. i stalk their members and techs and directors facebooks and learn as much as i can about them to try and see what it's like to be on a line like that. and just from what i've observed by doing that, i know that it's different at better groups. i know the director of mosaic well enough to know exactly what he's going to say and exactly what he's going to do. whenever i predict something, i'm always told by people that it wouldn't happen, gary's not like that. but it does. every time. i'm not a section leader, i've never marched drum corps, and i started the season after auditions, and i think for that reason i haven't been given respect. honestly, i don't feel like i deserve respect or anything, but i gave my respect to every person in that drumline, and was given nothing back. i'm not a section leader, but i am a natural leader. i can't help it. i'm the eldest of my siblings and in the past i've been thrown into section leader positions and had to lead without any example. i wasn't good when i first started, i had to work my way up. i had to challenge myself and get better through time. i gained experience. i've been doing this for years now and i don't plan on stopping until i have to.

does all this mean no respect? i'm not trying to beg for respect or anything, i'm more just ranting about things that i've never felt i could say out loud without being pounced on, but i know if anyone from mosaic read this it would probably just make them dislike me more.

maybe i am just being over dramatic and reading things in the wrong context. but i'm so soo tired of all the shit that's being thrown my way. from drumline, from work, from my landlord, from my house.

on my tumblr i always talk about how much i hate money. i hate not having it. i hate the way having it makes people. i hate that having money gives you opportunity. i hate that you can't do anything without spending money. i hate that when you don't have money, that's when everything goes wrong and you have to spend the most money.

my mom apologized tonight for not working for two and a half years. i didn't say anything. i was about to say, "oh, it's okay," but then i realized that no, it's not okay. i know for a lot of that time it was because you couldn't find a job, but now we're all suffering. i can't afford to buy a twenty dollar pair of gloves because i can't borrow it from my mom. and i know that really isn't her fault, but my mom used to make so much money that borrowing twenty dollars wouldn't have even made a dent. but now it's spending everything she has pretty much.

i really hate that this drumline costs so much, and that i'm not even going to be able to pay it off until after the season is over. and it's going to take me a while to do it too.

i kind of hate how long this blog is, but i really needed to get this all out. i'm not really sure if there's a point to all of this, but i think it's mostly that i am just so over drumline right now. i guess not drumline in general, but this drumline. i hate the feeling of regret that i have for it, and i hate that i dread going to rehearsal so much. the only reason i haven't quit is out of a feeling of obligation and not wanting to be "that person."

i just want to be heard. for someone to understand where i'm coming from. to not feel like i'm going crazy. to be at a better drumline.

i guess the only good thing is that my motivation for making an out of state world group gets stronger every time i'm at rehearsal.

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