Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

so, my post yesterday was definitely dramatic and long and ranty. i just wanted to say that today was a lot better. i didn't do much today, but i think that's exactly what i needed to calm myself down. a day to sit, be lazy, watch movies, and trashy talk shows. i talked to my brother and my mom about things other than drumline. i planned to see my friend halonna who i haven't gotten to talk to in far too long. and i realized that today is a new day.

my brother got a haircut. this isn't really exciting news or anything, but he was so excited. he gets really excited over the smallest things. i was in my room when he got home so he called my name to have me come downstairs and see how short it was. he told me not to tell mom or jamie because he wanted to surprise them. i laughed to myself because really, he got about an inch cut off, and he just got his haircut a few weeks ago, but whenever he gets something like a haircut or shaves his face or grows out his facial hair or whatever, he always gets so excited. he loves seeing people's reactions. it's also funny to me because for the longest time he had long hair. he hated the look of short hair and never wanted to get it cut. our dad, stepmom and uncle looked down on him for having long hair because they thought it made him look... i don't even know. homeless? like he did drugs? like a bad kid? while he was really difficult, they thought that him wanting short hair as a teen would shape who he was going to be for the rest of his life. my brother loves video games. he used to play them nonstop. he hated school and never did his homework. my dad's side of the family didn't even think he would be able to graduate from high school or go to college. and now he's a senior in high school, about to graduate and signing up for community college with his heart set on getting a degree in something math related.

i remember when i was younger, i would get so mad whenever i went to my dad's because of the things they said to and about my brother. even though we fought like crazy back then, he was still my brother and i would do anything for him. i still resent my dad to this day for things that he assumed. and for some reason, all because of a short haircut my brother got, it made me think about how proud i am of him. he doesn't just sit in his room anymore. after school he comes home and talks to me and jamie. he talks to my mom. he eats dinner with us. he tries to keep the house clean. he does (most of) his school work. he talks about politics and economics and things that i don't understand.

my grandma just emailed me asking about his graduation and asking if he was even going to be able to graduate. i know i used to be the smart, motivated one, but now i'm a college drop out, thinking of going into either photography or cinematography, not finance or psychology or something else that's smart. my brother is. i used to be my grandma's favorite. she still sends me money here and there along with emails of how she's doing. when i mentioned it to austin, he said he she never emails him or sends him money. i remember my stepmom telling me pretty much that i was her favorite, and that i had to please her, because i'm the smart one. she needs me. and now it's kind of turning around, even if she doesn't know it yet.

i tried to plan out the next ten years of my life last night. haha, sounds kind of lame, but i have all of these things i want to accomplish, so i thought maybe if i wrote it down, it would make things more motivating. and seeing everything all typed out, it just looked so boring. i know i need to just wait it out, stop focussing on the future and live in the now, but now isn't as appealing as the future. or even the past. if i could relive august 2010-december 2010, i would. over and over. it wasn't perfect, but i was the happiest i've ever been then.

i'll probably never stop planning my future. i think about the future everyday, almost constantly. to not know what's going to happen in my future really freaks me out. and i'm waiting ever so patiently for it to be may, so everything going on right now will be over and i can focus on something else. i hate this feeling that i have of being... stuck. not moving forward, being held back. i just want to know that all of the things i want to accomplish and have been dreaming about are going to happen.

No comments:

Post a Comment