Wednesday, July 21, 2010

i've been thinking a lot lately. i don't have a job or any money, so that gives me tons of time to think about life. haha.

anyways. it seems like all of my friends are getting these amazing opportunities - to move to another country, even to another state, to open up their own store - and it gets me thinking about the opportunities that are being presented to me. and really, there are none. i wish a new place to go, something new to experience, money to do whatever i want. but i don't. it seems so depressing.

but. i'm trying to not let that bring me down. i'm trying to create opportunities for myself. i'm trying to better my life. this summer hasn't been the best summer of my life like i thought it would be, and i know that's my fault. i know i've been lazy about everything - getting a job, going to school, starting my life. i'm tired of it, and i'm trying to get myself out of this rut i've been in for the past seven months.

when this semester started i had WAY too much on my plate. kkpsi, 18 credit hours and winter drumline that took up SO much of my time was too much for me to handle. mostly because all three things weren't exactly things that i enjoy. in hindsight, yes, i loved kkpsi. yes, i kind of enjoy going to school. and yes, i love winter drumline. but kkpsi took up all my free time and even made me uncomfortable when i had to meet and talk to so many new people (even though stepping outside my comfort zone was good for me, it stressed me out - something i really didn't need). as for school, i was taking 18 credits of liberal studies and general electives, nothing that taught me about my career, and nothing that i actually really enjoyed doing. i ended up skipping class to have the relax time that i wasn't getting. and drumline is something i would do anything to participate in, even if i'm not actually enjoying myself. sure, sometimes i had fun, but overall, it was one of my worst drumline experiences. i don't regret doing it, but it really drained me of ALL of my money (and my mom's money), took up all of my weekends (i never did homework or anything for kkpsi on the weekends) and it too stressed me out.

so i was involved in all of these activities. i've been involved in a lot of things before, but never have i been in so many things that just STRESS ME OUT. seriously, i would never want to replay this semester... unless i got to change it.

after i dropped kkpsi, i was told that eric (my kkpsi dad) that i better start focusing more on school (that was my reason for leaving). i fully intended to do that, but instead i sat around. every time brianna came in the room i was just sitting there in the same position on my bed on my computer. i was doing things - blogging, facebook, tumblr, trying to figure out what to do with my life - but i wasn't actually making any progress. i was skipping class, not doing homework, and not caring. i was slacking.

i moved home for good in may (a consequence from my slacking, not caring behavior during the second semester). and as much as i tried to get a job, i didn't get one. and i actually could have tried harder. i could have done more. but i think i was scared. scared that i would get one. scared that i would have to move on with my life. i didn't want to have to look at the true reality of me actually staying and living here for at least another year. i went to asu drumline's preaudition clinic (i completely dreaded it though and pretty much hated all of it). i signed up for classes at mcc. i filled out the gold form for asu. when it came down to it though, i didn't pay for mcc, i put it off until the deadline passed and i was dropped from all of my classes. and when i got the email to actually sign up for asu's band, i didn't email back.

i had this realization that this isn't what i'm meant to be doing. and even if it is, it's not what i want.

i have my family, friends and boyfriend here. but i know they'll always be there for me no matter where i live. and if they're not, then they're really not worth having in my life.

i don't know if i can make any of this work, i really don't. i have less that two months before school starts and i don't have a job or place to live in flagstaff. so yeah, i'm scared. whenever i think about it i get this sinking feeling in my stomach - maybe i will have to stay here after all.

i know this post is long and depressing, but i guess i was trying to make a point - i may not be having opportunities handed to me, but i can create my own. i'm going up to flagstaff this saturday to look at some apartments and apply for a few jobs. i may have to sacrifice my free time in order to make things happen, but i know i'm not going to be doing things that stress me out. i'll be in art classes, which is something i wanted so bad last semester (minus ceramics...). i'm taking art appreciation, drawing and photography. i need one more class, and i'm not sure what to pick, but i'll figure it out within the next few days. i think this will be the first time i really enjoy doing homework. i want to get a job at a coffee shop or something like that so i can work mornings. i want to have a set schedule for everything.

oh, and i'll be doing marching band :) something i am so overly excited for. last season in marching band i really didn't what i was doing because i didn't know what a college cymbal line was supposed to be about. and i wasn't expecting to be the section leader and tech, so when i was, i had no idea what to do. now, i'm ready. and i'm so excited to see what i can do with the line. i'm trying not to expect everything to be the same, even for me. i'm trying not to expect that i'll be section leader or anything, but i can't help but be excited just to be there again. marching band was the class i was most excited to go to everyday first semester. i absolutely loved it :)

anyways. this is a super long post that went from depressed to happy. i feel happy, about everything. i really can't wait to be in flagstaff, living a life of happiness in the trees. skjnhjtkrhnrth. i can't wait :)

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