Wednesday, June 30, 2010

"you never really know what you've got until it's gone."

so, in my research last night, i realized that is something i want to pursue, and i might possibly want to become a photography teacher. and a four year degree is something i really want to accomplish. if i went back to nau, i could major in photography and minor in art history.

i went downstairs this morning and my mom said she bawled her eyes out last night when she read my status on facebook about wanting to go back to nau. because she said she can't make that happen.

if i use loans to pay for tuition, i'll be in at least $48,000 worth of debt when i graduate. working as a photographer or even a photography teacher will never pay that off.

i've been thinking a lot about coconino community college. $80 a credit hour. really close to nau. i could be in flagstaff, do nau's marching band, and be happy. i could eventually take classes at nau.

it seems like being here in chandler is the worst part of my life. and the worst part of my life was when i was in flagstaff were the classes i was taking and how much it cost to go to school there. i loved being in flagstaff. and i would much rather go there for the fall semester anyways.

i think if i do stay here this semester that i'll take the season off from marching band. i don't think i'll be able to bear doing asu's marching band. and i know this may sound so trivial to some people, but marching band is my life. i absolutely love it. and i would feel like the biggest traitor to be marching on asu's , in an asu uniform, rooting for the asu football team. i love nau. i feel like i owe so much to the nau marching band. not only for giving me the time of my life, but for helping me find myself. i discovered who i am on that field. i found who i really want to be. i found friends and a life for me, one that i prefer over the one i'm living now.

yes, i have so many things in my life right now that i didn't have then - andrew, my boyfriend, and danielle, my best friend and a few other things. but i was happier in those moments than i ever have been before it started and after it ended.

i've heard the expression "home is where the heart is," and i'm pretty sure i've blogged about it, or at least mentioned it in one of these depressing "i miss flagstaff" rants. but i really feel like i'm not at home anymore. my home was that little room that i shared with the best roommate ever on the third floor of allen hall. i felt safer and happier than ever sitting in that room. i experienced so much happiness, sadness, heartbreak, overwhelming joy, laughter, learning and boredom in that room. i got to know so many people in that room.

i guess i'm also afraid that if i go back, i won't feel that same happiness that overtook me during my first semester. that maybe i never will feel that happy again.

this time if i go back, i'll be leaving something behind. a life. a life that i didn't have last summer. when i left for college the first time, i had nothing holding me back. no emotional ties. it was perfect. i got to start over. now it's different. i have a boyfriend, and some of the weirdest, most random, but best friends i could ever ask for.

but, i know i shouldn't hold myself back because of that. i have a life in flagstaff too. my best friends, the first people i learned to trust, live in flagstaff. my "big brother," the person i look up to the most, lives in flagstaff.

i'm trying to take all of that out. all of the people that are holding me back from making my decision. i'm trying to think of all the time i spent alone in flagstaff. all of the time i've spent alone here.

in flagstaff, i was happier.

i remember walking back from marching band or from ceramics. walking up that big hill on san francisco, and thinking, "it's so beautiful here. i'm happy." i remember my walks in the snow to target to get something trivial like bandaids and thinking, "i love this. so much." and yes, i remember second semester when i was pretty much living part time in flagstaff and part time in peoria and wanted to just go home. but there were so many things that went into that. i was involved in SO MANY activities: 18 credit hours filled with liberal studies and general electives that took up more time than their amount of credits; rushing for kappa kappa psi, which was made up of yet another class, 40 some interviews that had to be done, each an hour plus, and studying time for quizzes we had each week; winter drumline that was not only in peoria (two hours away), but every weekend. so yes, that means that i didn't do homework or interviews on the weekends, i dedicated my full weekend to drumline and nothing else.

this is WAY too much for one person to handle. i don't blame myself for having doubts about coming back. but i changed my mind. and i seriously regret that first decision to not go back. i regret it so much, because if i hadn't have decided, i wouldn't have changed my mind, and my mom wouldn't have told me to change it back. i would still be going to nau next semester. i wouldn't be dealing with this.

i don't know what's going to happen this semester. but i hope i figure it all out soon. i hate being confused like this. i just want to be happy. and i know that sometimes that takes sacrifices.

No comments:

Post a Comment