Sunday, June 6, 2010

"the center of every man's existence is a dream."

my mom told me today that the reason i stress out so much is because i think way too far into my future. i plan and think and discuss and wonder way too much.

where should i go to school? what should i major in? what classes should i take? when should i take them? should i take marching band? what are ALL of the reason i don't want to do it? what are the reasons i should do it? what would i do instead? where am i going to work? am i going to get stressed? should i take a fitness class? how much money will i make if i only get to work a few hours a week? what if it didn't take marching band? would i work more and therefore make more money? would i get fat? will i lose all of my will to continue with music? will i be good enough to make an out of state world line? what out of state world line will i try out for? will i have enough money to audition? what if i make it? will i have enough money to move? will i be able to find a job wherever i go? what about a place to live? a roommate? what if someone goes with me? will i go to school? or take time off? will it be worth it to take time off school? will it be worth it to stay in school? what if i need to make more money so i can do drum corps? do i really want to do drum corps though? and if i do, which one do i want to do? which one am i willing to do? and if i make a drum corp, will i like it? should i play something else? do i have time to learn something else?


it never ends. i want answers. i want this whole waiting for my life to start game to end. i want things to happen. i want to be living. yes, i want to enjoy summer, but i want to know that what i'm doing is right. i know that i think way too much, and maybe it's because i have too much time to myself.

i need to just relax. but it's so hard to "relax" when i feel like that's ALL i've been doing since spring break. yes, spring break. that's when i dropped kkpsi and started sitting my room, relaxing my life away. what i need now is something to do. plans, work, school. anything. i need something to keep my mind off of thinking, something to keep me occupied.

i guess you can me a dreamer, because that's all i ever seem to be doing, but i think lately it's gotten slightly out of hand. i love that i'm a dreamer, but i need to calm it down so i can make my dreams possible.

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