Wednesday, June 2, 2010

"living in the past only messes up your present."

i don't what it is that gets me into these moods sometimes.

when i was in psychology, we learned some people are naturally just happy people, and some aren't. good things will bring them up and they'll feel happy, but once that wears off, it's back to feel just... blah. or they're put into bad moods very easily.

i think that's me.

there are some things that put me into... a funk (i watched glee last night). when i get like this all i do is sit here in my room. i have no motivation to do anything except write in my journal or blog. i turn off all my music and sit in silence. when i get like this i think, and i think, and i think, until i can't possibly think another bad thought. i think the reason i like to write is because when i get all of my feelings down on paper i can maybe try to understand why i'm feeling like this, and maybe understand really what it is that i'm feeling. i have notebooks filled to the brim from days like these where i couldn't muster up the courage to leave my room, just laying in bed all day writing all my thoughts and feelings.

it usually doesn't take much for me to feel this way. a mean comment from someone close to me, seeing something that makes me feel rejected, a joke that i didn't think was funny...

it's hard for me to act happy when i'm like this, and if i'm super close to you, you'll know i'm not happy.

i can't stand feeling like this, but it's so hard for me to resist it, to push it aside and say,

"fuck you depression."

i can feel it. i've felt it everyday that i've been home. sure, i've had happy days spent with friends. i've enjoyed most of my time being home. but i can't seem to shake this feeling.

the feeling of not belonging. not with my friends, i feel like i belong there (for once), but with my family. i still feel like i'm intruding on this nice little life they made for themselves while i was gone.

they don't need me anymore. they learned to live without me.

i need a job. and the fact that i haven't found one yet depresses me.

i want to do marching band because i love everything about it. i don't want to be doing it just because i think i should.

i want to be able to live.

i feel trapped. in this bed. in this room. in this house. in this city. in this state.


you know the saying, "home is where the heart is?"

i feel like i left my heart somewhere. and i'm pretty sure i know where.

if only i could go get it...

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