last day.

it's finally hitting me. today is my last day at nau. i'm not coming back. i'm almost crying, which is a lot for me. i haven't seen or heard from either of my best friends up here in over a week... i haven't seen most of my friends. i don't know what to do anymore. i want to go home so bad, but i wish i could redo this entire semester. i would do so much differently :(

this is so hard for me... i still can't imagine not coming back to nau.

this whole change thing has been really hard on me. i generally hate change. i absolutely dread it. this past year has been full of complete change.

this time last year i was losing friends, and i was losing them fast. i felt completely lonely. i then graduated and started the loneliest summer of my life. i was terrified to go to college, terrified of that change. i ended up loving it though. i was in a new band, new drumline, i was making new friends. i grew apart from the one good friend i had had in high school who went up to college with me. i had my first college "relationship" that ended in high school drama. i learned to trust. i joined another drumline. i learned to work with people i don't know. i learned to tell people what i really want (something i'm still working on...). i learned a lot. and i changed a lot. and i don't know if i'm ready for everything to change once again.

i don't want to leave without saying goodbye to my friends. but it looks like that's probably how it's going to be...

you don't really wanna mess yur hurrr up.

i totally already posted a blog today, BUT, i haven't been doing anything all day, so i figured i'd write another. all day i've been obsessed with how i should cut my hair. i haven't gotten it cut since august of 2009, and before that i hadn't had it cut since july of 2008. i used to get my hair cut like, every two months!! i don't know what happened. haha. i think i want to get it cut right below my shoulders with bangs and layers. NOT SURE THOUGH. JNGKENGKJENG. hahaha.








haha, i took these pictures with my sunglasses on because my hurrr is aalll up in the lenses. hahaha. so yeah. i don't know if it will look good with my regular glasses!! i hope so because i might get itttt.

please, please, please let me get what i want.

one more final!! and i'll forever (maybe...) be done with nau. at least for next semester i guess. i think my goal is to someday come back.

my stepmom took me out to lunch today, and right before she dropped me off, she started telling me how i should go to school for something i like, but also something that will make me money. i'm all for making money, but i'm really big on doing what you love. who knows? i could make a TON of money with photography and photography alone. you don't know that, i don't know that, no one knows that. i know they want me to become a doctor... and anyone who knows me really well knows that's absolutely NOT what i want at all. i want to be a photographer, and a well known one. i want photography to take me places, i want to travel the world as a photographer.

i'm listening to she & him, and a song that i've never heard, called, "please, please, please let me get what i want" came on. AH. perfect. please, please, please! let me get what i want. my stepmom was telling me i should go into business or something like that that i DON'T like just so i can get a four year degree and find work somewhere. kreugkjrthnrkjthnkjy. NO. i don't want this. i even looked at mcc's and cgcc's business program. but i don't want to do this. if i decide to like, open my own photography business, then sure, maybe i'll take a few classes. but only if i decide to do that.

also, i feel FAT. haha. it's totally true, but i feel so fat lately. when i get home, i NEED to eat healthy and go to the gym all the time. and get a job. so yeah. ANYWAYS.

i had a final at 7:30 this morning and i'm freaking tired.

i'm realizing that all my blogs are so scattered most of the time. haha. i kind of just write exactly what i'm thinking and when i start thinking about something else i'll write about that. HA. i'm awesome.

oh, and also, i love zooey deschanel's hair. and style. pretty much everything about her is AWESOME.


I WANT. i don't know if my face is the right shape for this hairstyle though...

niiight.

i have two more days at nau. not even, more like one and a half. and then i'll be home for good. i'm both happy and sad. one person who makes me sad is tj. i've seen him more today than i have most days this entire semester. we got to go out to lunch together at oregano's, where he works, and i ate SO much food. i'm pretty much still full and we ate hours ago.

i took my math final a few hours ago. i didn't even answer two of them. but it's the last time i ever have to take math. hopefully... right now i'm studying (was studying...) for my spanish final that's tomorrow morning at 7:30!!!! NO ME GUSTA. i don't feel completely confident, but i don't feel horrible. i'm ready to get it over with so i can take a nap and start studying for animal behavior so i can be done with that too. AND THEN LEAVE. part of me wants to stay thursday night, just to have another night in my dorm, but another part of me just wants to get out of here.

i know i should study, i don't want to have a bad gpa, i've never had a bad gpa... i guess i'm feeling guilty for spending so much money (my parents spending so much money), on a semester that i completely wasted.

i need to go to bed. i have a final in 6 and 1/2 hours. ewwwww.

should be studying.

my first final is in an hour and three minutes. i've probably studied a total of one hour for it. i feel so bad and guilty, yet i can't seem to force myself to study. i know there's no use now. i should have stayed at the library, instead of leaving right when tj left, just because i love the short car ride back with him to my dorm, getting to talk for just a few minutes. i secretly want to just fill in random answers and take ten minutes to finish because tj told me he would take me out to oregano's, where he works and where i have never been. i'm so excited, because i only have two days and about four hours until i leave flagstaff for good. next time i come here, it will only be to visit... :(

yesterday i talked with my roommate, brianna, and my ra, jade. brianna told her i wasn't coming back, and jade told me i should have talked to her first, and i should have. i completely should have talked to more people who really know what they're talking about. but, i do think that getting a certificate for photography will give me the same opportunities as a four year degree, and will be SO much cheaper. i just hope that i find something else i want to do. maybe if i do i'll come back to nau. everyday my mind seems to change. one day i think that'll happen, the next day i think i'll just stay down there. part of me wants to wait until i age out so i can do drumline and drum corps.


so, i definitely started writing this before my exam, and got sidetracked and left without finishing. haha. i just took my astronomy exam, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. we'll see soon i guess. i'm going to lunch with tj soon. i'm pretty excited :)

happy birthday nana.

it's my nana's birthday today. she's 70 years old. for the past few years she's been dealing with breast cancer, and she never thought she would make it to 70. i emailed her, but my now my dad wants me to call her. i don't know what my deal is with calling people, and talking to them on the phone, but i absolutely hate and dread it. after i do it, i realize that it really wasn't that bad, but beforehand i can't help but be so scared of it. it's really weird. and i'm pretty sure i know exactly where it stems from, but that's another blog for another day.

i don't know why my nana has such high hopes for me. she emails me all the time, thinks i'm so smart and successful. she has all these dreams for me, but doesn't for my brother. no one in my family has high for him, except me i think. i really think he's going to get himself together, he already has been in the past year. anyways, she was always so proud of me when i got good grades, but didn't know that in high school i barely tried, and i hated being there for the most part, it was just the result of my classes not being that hard to get good grades in. she supports me with what i want to do, but i know if she could choose another profession for me besides photography, she would. my dad's whole family would. just last night he asked me if i was interested in becoming a doctor or a pharmacist. i know it stemmed from me being really interested in the show we were watching (csi), but i in no way want to go into anything having to do with medicine. at all. i've been telling my grandma that i've been thinking about psychology, and i really have been... i just don't know if i'm ready to do the work right now. especially not after this semester. and i don't know what i would do with it. i want to be a photographer. i want to find a way to make that a full time profession. i know that's hard, you don't have to tell me. everyone keeps telling me that.

i guess i just don't understand what my nana sees in me. i'm not like her. sure, i guess we have some things in common, but i don't want to be like her. her life doesn't seem that bad, she's rich, has lots of friends and throws lots of parties, she has an amazing house. but i would never want to make my granddaughter feel the way she makes me feel sometimes. which is like, i'm not good enough, and that i'm not living up to her standards.

have you ever heard the quote, "don't do what your grandmother wouldn't approve of?" it's around that at least... anyways, when i'm doing things she wouldn't approve of, i don't think that, and i never will.


welllll. i made the call. not that bad. but i hated it. every second of it. and i almost forgot to say happy birthday.

whatever.

hmmm...

i'm at my dad's house right now. we went on a walk after dinner, and i realized that my dad and i have the exact same stride. it got me thinking about how much of a daddy's girl i used to be. when i was making my senior project, i found SO many pictures of me and my dad, but not very many of me and my mom. i guess it all stopped when him and my mom got divorced and i grew up and stopped seeing him as much. my dad and i are so alike, and i wish i still had that relationship with him, the relationship we had when i was younger than 10.

i found the first version of my senior project. i made it on my mom's old laptop. she doesn't have it anymore, so the real version that i turned in and presented is gone forever, but i found one that's pretty close.

haha, i just looked at it, i'm glad i changed it, because it's actually not close at all, and it's totally not as good as the one i did.

but, i wish i could do another one. a... "i-graduated-a-year-ago-and-learned-so much-more-about-my-life-since-i-did-my-senior-project project." haha. but seriously. i only have a week left at nau. it still doesn't feel like it... and it definitely doesn't feel like i won't be coming back. half of me is so worried that i'll have the most horrible time next year, but the other half is so excited to start this new life, because that's really what i feel it will be. a new life.

i think... i'm going to make it. my... i-graduated-a-year-ago-and-learned-so much-more-about-my-life-since-i-did-my-senior-project project. but just for me. i don't need anyone to see it... but i feel like i need so desperately to make it. to show myself the changes i've made in my life.


OH. and being home makes me realize how much i curse now. i don't like it. i never used to curse. i do it without thinking now... which is someone i never wanted to be, probably the only change i don't like about my new self. i cussed in front of my little sister :( i don't like that.