can i just say that i absolutely hate money?

like, jhrbghjebrh it's pretty much the source of all of my problems right now. i just got a job and will be getting my first paycheck in about two weeks. all of this money will go to my landlord. if it doesn't, she'll sue me. my roommate from flagstaff, who was also one of my friends, is being a dick to me because he's assuming that i'm assuming that he's lying about not calling our landlord about this whole mess. now that i'm sending my first check to my landlord, i can't give it to drumline and the result of that will be not going to california and not getting a uniform (wtf okay...). i told my director there really isn't much i can do, because he's not going to sue me, and my landlord will, and then i'll have to pay a fuck ton more. my best friend is offering to loan me some money for drumline, and all of this put together is just making me stressed. moving home was supposed to be the most cost effective solution for drumline, and now that i have a job, it should be, but no, it's not. i'll be penniless for a long time.

i'm kind of hating the little twists and turns life has been throwing my way lately. they're way too expensive for my taste and i honestly can't wait for the summer when this is all over with.

rant.

my mom keeps telling me to finish bringing in all of my stuff from the garage. it's been a little over three weeks since i moved back she doesn't understand why i don't just move everything up to my room. it's just stuff right?

but i feel like the second i get everything into my room, that means it's real... i can't go back. and honestly, i know i can't go back, even now, with half of my stuff still in the garage. but for some reason, after three weeks, i still don't feel like i live here. it feels like summer break.

i finally got a job and i start tomorrow, bright and early in the morning at 8am. i'm sure this will solidify the whole feeling real thing, because i'll actually be doing something besides what i moved down here to do: drumline.

ahh drumline, it's supposed to be my favorite thing. and in the past, it was. when i would go to drumline all my worries about the rest of the world vanish. school didn't exist, rushing was put on hold. all i could do was focus on playing and marching. this season is different though, because i literally did put everything on hold to be involved in this drumline. i'm taking the semester off from school, i moved home to be closer, i quit the job that wasn't great, but that i liked, i left my new brothers and sisters, and some of the best friends i've ever had in my life. and for what? to go to drumline a few times a week and get completely frustrated with a line that i thought would be something great. i thought i would be challenging myself, working towards something. i thought i would look forward to going to rehearsals, and instead i look forward to the drive there with my friends from high school, aka the only people making this even remotely worth it. after every rehearsal i sit there and vent, mostly just to know that someone agrees with me and that i'm not just crazy. to know that everything i've ever learned about drumline isn't a sham, and that i'm not completely stupid.

i'm still trying to focus on the positives though. as hard as that is sometimes, i know that's the only thing that's going to get me through this season. i'm also focusing on my main goal, which is to get the hell out of arizona. i wish there was an amazing, established, and preferably world class group that i liked located in flagstaff so i could just live there forever, but there isn't. so, hopefully, i'll be out of here by the end of the year. i won't have to deal with the bullshit of another first year group located in the great state of arizona.

endrant.

so... even though drumline is kind of wasting my life, i'm surprised that i'm not really miserable here living in chandler yet. it's only been like, two weeks, so maybe that's why. haha. i'm realizing that i do have some good friends down here who are just making things so much easier to cope with.

i'm almost kind of enjoying myself... :P

hatehatehate.

so let me just say, i totally hate looking for jobs. like, jsnrkjhnk absolutely hate it. i hate that i had to quit burger king. i hate that i actually sort of liked working there. i hate that finding a job is so hard. i hate sitting here all day by myself. i hate that my brother and sister think now that i live at home i am their own personal taxi service. i hate that i still have a garage full of crap that i need to get into my room. i hate that i can't throw anything away. i hate that i can't watch psych season 5. i hate that drumline is so damn expensive. i hate that i moved down here for a drumline that won't even be worth it. i hate that i can't predict my own future. i hate that i need so much downtime. i hate that i hate cleaning. i hate that i hate cooking. i hate that i hate working out. i hate that i'm so lazy.

lsejnrgkjsenhkjsnht

rant.over.

i'm just feeling overwhelmed. i've been home for like, two days and i need to find a job. i want everything to just fall into place like it did when i was in flagstaff. someone just call me and offer me a job. i don't care how much it pays, as long as it's something.

boo.

"if i lay here, if i just lay here. would you lie with me, and just forget the world."

technically, i'm moving home today. i still have so much to do, it's kind of crazy. i hate packing. i hate cleaning. i haaaate it.

today was my last day at burger king. would you believe that i'm actually kind of sad my time there is done? i actually really loved the people there. it wasn't the ideal job, but it kept me fed (most of the time) and kept me here in flagstaff. and it wasn't bad. i'm going to miss some of the people who worked there so much. working there was the first time i made friends outside of band. and it was kind of nice having some new friends.

i'm trying so hard to stay positive. i still doesn't seem real.

i've been listening to chasing cars by snow patrol over and over and over lately. i just learned it on piano and i'm not sure why i never really listened to it before this. but, i really wish i could just... forget the world right now. i wish i could just forget everything bad that's going on. everything that i don't want to do in order to do the things i do want to do. i would really like to just lay there and forget the world. preferably in one of the meadows in flagstaff. preferably with no bugs too. haha.

but yeah. erjnhlhltnh is pretty much how i feel now.

"now i shadow my former self"

i have one week left until i move home.

it feels... i don't know. i really just don't know how to feel. it doesn't feel real.

there's so much i need to do in order to make this work, but less then i would have to do in order to make in work in flagstaff.

i'm a different person now than i was the last time i lived in chandler. i'm a better person, a happier person. i hope i can take everything i learned while in flagstaff about living and happiness and apply it to my life here. i'm going to appreciate everything i have. i'm going to look at all of the positives. i'm going to make new friends and become better friends with the few remaining friends i have down here.

i will live. i will (i reeeeally hope) be happy.

a brother and friend offered to let me move in and only pay for utilities... i would still have to pay a ton for gas and food, but i think if i kept working about 30 hours a week (totally doable), that i could make it work.

i'm not sure if i would feel bad about it... but i'd have to sleep on the couch and keep pretty much only clothes there... so maybe i wouldn't feel bad. haha.

my hours will probably be getting cut come this week at bk, so i'm going to apply to some more places to see if i can work part time at both bk and another place. i... think i can make this work. if i do, i will have to move home for the summer and possibly fall, but i feel like i can make this work. i don't know when i'll be able to live in flag again and i love it toooo much.