good things must come to end

i know that's an overused saying, but it's what i've been thinking about lately. i hate change, especially when i'm not ready for it. i think i hate it because something good is coming to a close, and i have to find something else that's good. and the fact that the future is so unknown scares me.

i don't want to move to california. i like what i have going on here too much. i like my job, my family, my situation. but i have to move. moving is what i've been preparing for for the entire year. i can't turn my back on my goal.

a few weeks ago i was having doubts about drumline. i kind of hoped going out to pulse would be awful and i would hate it so i could just live at home for a little longer. so things wouldn't have to change. but, to no surprise really, i went out to pulse auditions and absolutely loved it. i'm so close and it makes me so nervous, but being there and playing is like a dream, it's so surreal. i need to move to california, and i need to move out there now. at least in the next few weeks. this means getting a new job, a new apartment, a new roommate, a new life.

i had doubts because i wasn't sure if i was ready to leave. i still don't know if i am. maybe i'll never be ready. financially, i'm ready. physically, i'm almost ready. emotionally, i have no idea. i've lived in arizona for almost my whole life and hated it. this past year was different though, i grew to love arizona, especially chandler. going out to california has made me appreciate arizona even more.

i've been procrastinating on looking for a job and a place to live out there. for one, i'm waiting to see if i actually did for sure make the line, and then to see if my friend makes their open line. he won't know for two weeks, and i don't know if i can afford to wait that long to find a place... i need to find a job. i was hoping i could transfer to the one tropical smoothie they have out in southern california, but everyone tells me not to move to that city because i'll hate my life when i have to drive to drumline.

i might ask my grandparents if i can stay with them until i find a place to stay and a job. i'm sure they would say yes, i just don't know how living with them would be...

anyways. time to start talking about it and to start doing it, right? ughhh.

(i'm actually really really excited, this is just my scared rant about it... :P)

oh, also, i was going to write about how good things come to an end and how i've realized it or whatever so now i'm trying to live life to the fullest and appreciate everything while it's happening so that i have great memories to look back on when it's over.

yeah all that sappy stuff.

this is it.

i'm running out of time to prepare myself. i don't know if i'm good enough, i don't know if i'm strong enough. i do know that i'm as ready as i'll ever be, i have the money, the experience, and most importantly, the passion. i've never wanted anything more in my life at this point.

i'm getting worried. i can't eat i'm so nervous. i've been nervous for all of my other auditions, but once i got there i realized i didn't really have any competition. i hate that that sounds so conceded, but it's true. i've never really been to a real audition where i know everyone there is going to be just as good as me, if not better. i've been to auditions where there a few people i know are just as good or better than me, but i've never had to worry that i wouldn't make the line. now though... now it's different. everyone is my competition. everyone there will be working just as hard as me, will want it just as much as me, will have just as much passion as me.

maybe not though. i honestly have no idea what it will be like and that scares the absolute shit out of me. i can only hope that everything goes smoothly, that i at least learn something and have a fun time, even if i don't make it. i'm going to try my hardest to put myself out there and do the best i possibly can. but i really just don't know what to expect, and i wish my butterflies would go away.

it's hard to be confident when you've never been to an audition that really means something. my first ever audition turned out to be me competing against no one, having more knowledge about marching cymbals than everyone who came. i ended up being not only the section leader, but the tech as well. my second audition i was nervous for, but there were only a couple people there. i wasn't really sure if i was strong enough or whatever, but i'm positive i would have made it had i gone back. sometimes i wish i did, because the third place i auditioned for... was almost a joke, looking back on it. my third audition was right after my second audition, and there were about 13 people there. there was one person who was really really good, and the rest were almost all high school kids who had never really played before. i remember being excited to find out i made it, but one of the only reasons i actually did it was because it was about $1000 cheaper than the other line (not even exaggerating). the cymbal line was... all right. not good really. i had fun sometimes, but it was really just a dramatic season. my fourth audition i competed against 2 other people, one of which was my high school tech, and the other was a student from another school who was also taught by my high school tech... so it was all kinds of weird. i didn't end up going back to that drumline until after auditions were over, and i made the line anyways.

so yeah, i wouldn't say that i've ever really had a "real" audition. nothing that counted, nothing that wasn't for sure. nothing that would change my life if i made it.

i don't really know what else to write besides the fact that i really hate feeling nervous, and that hatred is probably the reason i haven't done anything like this before... i've never done something this huge. i mean, i guess in certain ways i have, but this is so huge for me.

all i can think about is myself, doing the best that i can, and having a good time. because at least if i don't make it, i'd like to remember it as a good experience, not a random audition that didn't mean anything to me.

auditions for drumline are this weekend. and i have no idea if i'm ready. i've been working my whole year towards this weekend, towards this season. saving up my money and working out a lot. i know i've slacked up the past month or so, but all of my previous efforts have done a lot for me.

at the beginning of this year i lived in flagstaff. i was unhappy because there really was no reason for me to be happy. in flagstaff, sure, i was at least in flagstaff. but i was working at burger king and i wasn't marching. i was growing apart from my friends because i wasn't in school. i couldn't get over the fact that i wasn't marching. i decided to march. and then i decided to move. when i moved home i didn't have a job, i was stuck marching a drumline i hated, but that i had moved my whole life for. when i finally did get a job all of my money had to go somewhere - my landlord and then my drumline director. i decided before the season was over that i couldn't do another drumline like this. i couldn't keep doing this to myself.

i started working out. my favorite cymbal line and drumline was doing really well and it motivated me to audition for them this year. i thought about it nonstop everyday, while i was working out, while i was working, while i was sitting around, while i practiced, while i did everything. i imagined myself on the line, i imagined myself moving, i imagined myself immersed in a good line and absolutely loving it.

and then it hit me... i'm not good enough for that line. how could i be? i'm just an arizona girl with a big butt and not much muscle. i'm lazy and i've never been on a good line. i started giving up subconsciously. i avoided getting into new tv shows or books all summer, because i knew it would take away my focus, but i let myself slip. i started rereading all of the harry potter books. it took me 2 weeks. and for two weeks the only working out i did was occasionally running. after i was done though, my motivation was gone. my dreams had been shattered by the realization that i would be slaughtered at auditions. i kept reading different books. i started watching movies all the time. i stopped working out everyday.

i started thinking about a different drumline. they aren't my absolutely favorite, but they're just as good. their cymbal line is good, but the technique is more like mine, so i thought i'd have a better chance. i decided i'd go out for their line instead. but i felt nothing. no excitement, no nerves, no motivation. just nothing.

this weekend i emailed someone who auditioned last year to see what auditions were like, because i had no idea what to expect, and once i got that reply, motivation came crawling into me. i only wish i had asked her sooner, but it doesn't really matter at this point, because now i'm excited and motivated and nervous.

whenever i daydream about it or think about it or whatever, i always think about me making it. i mean, it's probably not healthy to sit there and think about not making it... honestly though, i don't know if i expect myself to make it or not. sometimes i forget how good the line actually is. i watched videos of last year and thought, "wow, i'll never be that good..."

i have people telling me that of course i'll make it, or that i'll at least make a good world group, even if it isn't this one. but then i hear the way people talk about others who are auditioning for equivalent groups, and how could i possibly think after that that everyone who says i'll make it is being truthful to me? i hate to think that people would lie to me about it, but why would they tell me to my face that i have no chance?

a coworker was trying to tell me that i should have nothing to worry about because of how long i've been doing drumline. i've been marching for 6 years now, which is actually a lot more experience than most. but i know that people make really good lines with no cymbal experience at all, so i'm sure they base the audition on how fast you learn. i'm a fast learner, but can i learn as fast as these people, especially when i'm already experienced?

i guess this is just a rant on how nervous i am for this weekend. i know i need to feel confident, but it's hard when i have no idea what to expect from this audition. i've never really had to audition against good people before, i've never had to worry i wouldn't make a line. i've never had to prepare like this.

i feel like i'm not prepared. this past month or so that i slacked off really kind of killed me, but at the same time, i've been preparing all year for this, so that month really hasn't done that much in hindsight. i guess i really won't know until i go and see what are auditions are like.

when i sat down to write this post, i actually was going to write about this summer and how i've changed. a reflection post. i guess since this post is already really long, so i guess i'll summarize.

i've changed a lot this summer. i've actually spent a lot of my time with people who are younger than me, but they've helped me grow in so many ways. i'm still the same me, i don't smoke or drink or party, and i'm still not really very social. but, in a way, they've helped me realize that it's okay. it's okay to be myself.

i've been trying to think of other things they taught me... but they didn't really teach me many lessons i guess. they just helped me grow as a person, to be more open minded. the girls i worked with were the first friends i ever really made outside of band, friends who had nothing to do with band or music. i had to force myself to be able to talk about other things, because before i never could.

i think other than helping me branch out, they helped me be happy with my life how it is. which is one of the reasons i stopped thinking about drumline. i stopped thinking about my future for once, yeah i didn't think i was good enough, but for the longest time i think i knew i wasn't good enough, but i dreamt anyways. i needed somewhere to go in my thoughts that wasn't here. i needed something good to think about when my life wasn't all i wanted it to be. but they helped me, without knowing, realize how great my life is right now. they helped me to live in the moment and stop obsessing over my future.

i was so happy here, am so happy here, that i even started thinking that maybe i wouldn't go out of state for drumline. maybe i wouldn't do drumline. maybe i'll just stay and do what i've been doing. but like the saying goes, all good things must come to an end, and a lot of the girls i used to work with don't work there anymore. there are new people, but for some reason, i still feel happy about it. i love my job. i love the people i work with.

i still don't really know if i'm ready to move. i've created a life here in chandler. a happy life where i have a job and a place to live and friends. i've had to start my life over so many times in the past couple years. moving back and forth from flagstaff to chandler was exhausting because i always had to start over. find a place to live with a roommate i don't know and find a job and find friends. it's scary for a girl who doesn't like change. and now that i am happy where i am, how could i possibly pick up and move again? this is what i've been working towards, what i've been living for, and now i don't know if i even want it.

maybe part of me doesn't want to regret not doing drumline more than i want to do drumline. i also know that when i get to auditions and see what it's really like that i'll forget everything and want to move there in a second. i've never been on a good line. and i want more than anything to be on a good line. i love playing and marching and performing. i love it, and i can't see myself not doing it. this is something i'm so passionate about... i can't forget anymore.

/rant.

i love my brother. i really do. i admire the way he will tell you how it is and tell you whatever he's thinking straight to your face.

my mom kicked him out. just now.

i heard them yell at each other for about 15 minutes. and then he left. he tried to take my sister with him, because apparently my mom was scaring her. my sister's still here, but my brother is gone.

the past few months have been weird. my mom has been overreacting to everything, even to the point where all of us kids think she's being irrational, which is something she has never been before. she's yelled at me more since i moved home then ever before, even though i'm more responsible, more clean, and more secluded in my room. i have a job, i save my money, and i normally clean up after myself. i wasn't this grown up even last summer, and i was never like that in high school.

my siblings and i have made such an effort to make her happy, and it seems like none of it has been appreciated.

my brother, sister and i have been talking a lot lately about my mom. we think she may be going through menopause, but she denied this while my brother was yelling at her...

so i guess it all started tonight when my brother got home from our dad's. he took my sister to target to buy some things and then picked me up from work. he called my mom to tell her they were waiting for me to finish. i'm not sure what he told her, but i guess she got kind of annoyed, so he asked her why she had been getting so mad lately, and she started going off on him, so he hung up. when we got home, i went into my room and i heard her tell him that he is not allowed to borrow her car anymore. then all of a sudden they were yelling and cursing at each other. i think the gist of the fight was that my brother doesn't respect my mom, or our house or whatever, but that my mom doesn't respect us either. she's taking things away from my brother, like his phone and car privileges, which doesn't help him find a job. my brother asked if she was on menopause or something because she's been a bitch lately, and then she yelled that he had to get out. she tried to call my dad and tell him to come pick up my brother by tomorrow morning. then they yelled at each other more. my brother tried to leave with my sister because she was scared and didn't want to be here.

i think my brother could have handled things differently. but my mom could have handled them differently too. my mom denies being in menopause, saying that the stress of not having money is making her this way, but honestly i think it's both. last year, she never would have been like this. i can't believe she just expects my dad to come down here and get my brother. i have no idea if he will, but my dad lives two hours away and has a full time job.

my brother wrote me a note and put it outside of my room where my mom wouldn't see it. it says, "i'm sorry i had to start this."

i feel all of my happiness that i've had over the past few months quickly escaping. i feel almost empty without my brother here. he's only been gone a few minutes, but i can't believe my mom would ever do something like that. all because my brother was trying to ask why she was being so different lately.

after he left i could hear my mom talking to my sister. she thought my sister was on her side. she thought wrong. i could hear my mom complaining about my brother and wondering why he was being like this, and then my sister saying she didn't want to talk to my mom because she agrees that my mom has been extremely rude to us the past couple months.

there was one moment before my brother left when he said my mom would be sorry when all of us moved out on her.

i hope he's right. because i think it will happen soon. i'm leaving in a couple months for drumline. if i don't make an out of state drumline, i'll move into my own apartment. i'd let my sister stay there whenever she wanted. if my mom stays like this, i can see my sister wanting to move to her dad's house again though. i wouldn't blame her.

i miss my brother. i miss my mom. the way she used to be. the loving, tolerant, successful, accepting mom that i used to have.

for the first time ever, i like where i am, and i kind of don't want to leave. not even for drumline.

if i make a world drumline though, i'm for sure outtie. but if i don't, i'm staying, which i never thought i'd say.

i never thought i could be happy in chandler.

:D

motivation.

this year has definitely been a new experience for me. never have i focused so much on goals and worked to save my money and be healthier. summertime is usually when i gain a couple pounds, not lose 10 pounds.

at first everything was so easy. i had more motivation than ever to get in shape and lose weight. i exercised everyday, started running 3 or 4 times a week, and thought about my goals the whole time. i stopped eating unhealthy foods and felt great.

in the past couple weeks i've realized that one of my goals isn't exactly... obtainable? or that it probably isn't. my main goal this year was to audition for music city mystique, and seeing the progress i've made is great, but it doesn't seem like it's enough. now that my time is running out, and auditions are getting sooner, i'm thinking more about other drumlines than i was about mystique. mystique's auditions are so late in the year and others are so early, that if i were to make another line, i would feel bad about auditioning for mystique too. i have no idea if i'll make another line, but if i can't make another line, i probably can't make mystique...

anyways, now that i've realized that mystique is kind of out of reach, i've stopped being motivated. i'm going to audition for pulse, and i really like pulse and will be so nervous/excited to audition, but something about it just isn't motivating me to work harder.

as excited as i am for the upcoming season of winter drumline, it's slightly unsettling. in the past i've always known which drumline i would be doing. i never had to make huge plans for auditions or for the season.

i decided i don't want to do drumline in arizona anymore, which means i need to go out of state. all year i've been preparing for this, and it's still what i want. but i'm finding it hard to think about leaving, because i actually really enjoy my life here right now. i love my job and the few friends i have here.

i'm trying to figure out if it would be cheaper to live in california or just drive there every weekend... i think it's cheaper to live there, but when the possibility came into my mind i was like, "I CAN HAVE BOTH!" hahaha

i hate the uncertainty of where i will be in a few months times. i guess it all depends on whether or not i even make a line... because if i don't make an out of state line i obviously won't move at all. but that's my goal, so i'm not going to think about the possibility of me not making a group... haha i probably shouldn't but whatever. i don't like i don't know where i'll be, if i'll be able to find a place to live, or if i'll be able to find a job. there's a tropical smoothie about 30 miles away from where pulse rehearses, which is totally not bad. but they would have to let me work there... maybe i'll call them after auditions if i think there's a possibility of me making it. or if i make it... haha.



i wrote this last night and i never finished but now i don't know what else to write so