i've never held back tears as many times as i did tonight.

right as the bigs were pinning all the new perspective members i looked behind me at tj. we both smiled in the way that we knew we were both sad. nolan pinned me after that. nolan is my age and is someone who i could have gone through with last year if i hadn't declined the first time i got a bid. he's really good friends with tj.

i'm not really sure what's going on, but tj told me after we both left tonight that there was another change of plans and that he would explain later. i talked to stephanie (nolan's girlfriend) after i got home and she said that nolan had said he was planning on everything being normal with us.

i don't know what's going on. all i know is i have to start setting up interviews.

and i'm getting sicker.

and i really miss tj :(

tonight.

tonight is first degree.

i have no idea what to expect. i said this last time, and like last time, i am excited.

i feel like somewhat of a traitor to tj and the beta lambdas, but i know they all support me in everything i do.

i get a new big tonight... i'm both nervous and excited to find out. tj will always be my big though. he'll always be my most favorite person :)

now i just have to wait... three hours and counting.

a step in the right direction.

i haven't written a blog in a while, but i wanted to come on and say that i feel like my life is headed in the correct direction. i'm really with all of my decisions lately :) i might be saying different next week after first degree... but as for now i'm happy. i can't wait until the end of this semester and then for next semester.

:D

i'm still waiting to find out who my big will be this time though... i'm wishing and wishing that it's tj.

?

i'm in a weird mood right now. and i guess i'm really just questioning society at this point.

a few minutes ago i got a call from the vp of kkpsi. he asked me if i was interested in rushing, i said yes. he then told me that tj can't be my big brother.

mind. fucked.

i didn't even know what to say. it got really awkward and me just kind of being like, "nknkhjthjsnkb."

needless to say, i have no idea what to do anymore.

who/what creates these rules that say only active members of the fraternity can be bigs? who even came up with active verses conditional? WHO EVEN MADE UP DAMN FRATERNITIES?!?!

this is why i'm questioning society and all of the rules that have been created. it's so weird to me.

i don't even want to go into detail because my thoughts aren't even forming words.

i just... don't know. i don't know anymore.

i don't want another big.

i know that's not what rushing is about, and the vp, ruben, told me that. he said that if i'm serious about being in the fraternity it shouldn't matter. and really it shouldn't. tj will always be my friend and i can always still hang out with him.

but it does matter. it matters to me. being in this particular fraternity shouldn't be about the social aspect, but that's a huge part of it. there are only so many service events to take your mind off of the social aspects.

i only want tj as a big. no one else. i don't even know who else they could give me because they're not supposed to give you someone you already know, and i know a lot of people.

lhnrjsnhjknthdn,mhh. i'm so confused right now :(

tonight :D

i'm totally procrastinating on that other blog that i keep saying that i'm working on, and i promise, i am!!! but yeah anyways, tonight has been quite the night. sorry for the oh so depressing blog last night, that was me being sad for my lack of plans. but tonight toootally makes up for it. all i can really say is that tonight consisted of matching old people shirts made by me (hopefully i'll get a picture soon) for brandon and i, drumline party, cars getting towed, girls telling brandon they only came to the drumline party for him and that they better get something out of it (okay only one girl), girl getting mad when he turned her down, walking about a mile to get to some circus party, getting to said circus party, leaving five minutes later and walking home, tents, pizza, clinton throwing up on our little porch (multiple times), me hiding out in my room while said throwing up happens, coming out when i think he's done only for him to start again.

but yeah, it was still fun :) i love my friends. i really really do. even if they throw up multiple times at my house, of all places.

i've been working on a blog for a few days now, about my first photography assignment. i still haven't finished it, but i really wanted to write something else.

i'm incredibly... sad right now. i don't think people understand how sensitive i can really be. most of the time i play things off like it's no big deal to me, but really it hurts so bad. tonight i had to work during a rush event for kkpsi. it was suppose to last until 10pm. every weekend i struggle to make plans. for some people it's easy, they just call whoever up and go party with them. for me... i only do things if i'm invited to do them, mostly because when i do ask people if they want to do something they shoot me down because they already have plans. i'm friends with a lot of people up here, but i'm usually an after thought when inviting people over. because of this, and years of this, i hardly ever do things on fridays nights, which is why i was super excited to have plans tonight. i was going to see all of my friends and get all dressed up for the formal rush event. i rushed home from work only to get in my car to leave and get a text from jane saying it was canceled... i almost started crying. i came back inside and texted tj saying that now i have no plans. no text back.

i love flagstaff, but i guess i can't always hide from loneliness, can i?

i hate tonight.

i hate that i feel like this. i hate that i almost wish i was still at work, just to have an excuse for not doing anything. i hate that i'm too shy to text someone right now to see if they too have no plans. i hate that i never make plans and expect other people to make them for me.

i'm trying so hard to stay positive about everything going on in my life right now. i could be in chandler, still hanging out with no one. i could not have just gotten my paycheck (ONLY $49.75 WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!), i could have no friends and no plans.

ejngkjnhjknrth. i guess life isn't always perfect. i just feel like maybe i'm not living it to the complete fullest.

oh, i decided to rush for kkpsi again. i'm not sure why but part of me is saying, "no don't do it!" and the other half is saying, "why wouldn't you do it?" i think i'm just worried about time and not having any of it. i'm guessing i'll probably have things to do on the weekends though... that's not my reason though. haha.

anyways. enkjnhd. tonight sucks. this weekend will probably suck do to the amount of homework i have. and cis 120 sucks because i'm WAY behind and can't drop without losing the money for the class and without losing my health insurance... SUCKVILLE.

sorry for this rant. i really needed it though.

jrngkjtnhjdnh.

twenty.

1. move to flagstaff.
2. make a world line on cymbals.
3. dye my hair.
4. change my style.
5. eat healthy on a regular basis.
6. get another tattoo.
7. get a bike. ride it everyday.
8. make drum corps.
9. choose a career.
10. get another piercing.
11. send a secret to postsecret.
12. take a road trip to california.
13. make new friends.
14. go on a cruise.
15. get a job.
16. work as a photographer.
17. read at least 10 books.
18. get a gym membership.
19. go to the grand canyon for the first time.
20. play cymbals for nau's marching band.

these are all of the things on my 20 before 20 list that i've accomplished :D i haven't really been thinking extensively about my list, but it has been in the back of my head lately. when i made this list, i think i was just making it to make it. i didn't think about it for very long and pretty much immediately after posting it had to edit and revise. well, today i've been thinking a lot about it (because i don't want to do homework...) and i again want to change a few things... haha. at first i didn't want to because i thought i would be breaking some rule or something, but it's my list, so i can do with it what i want! so, here is my edited list:

1. move to flagstaff.
2. make a world line on cymbals.
3. dye my hair.
4. try geocaching.
5. eat healthier.
6. get another tattoo.
7. get a bike.
8. make drum corps.
9. choose a career.
10. get another piercing.
11. send a secret to postsecret.
12. take a road trip to california.
13. make new friends.
14. get at least all b's in my classes at ccc.
15. get a job.
16. work as a photographer.
17. read at least 10 books.
18. take a walk with my camera at least once a week.
19. think positively for all things negative that come into my life.
20. play cymbals for nau's marching band.

so yeah. there you (and i) have it! my new goals. i have so far accomplished 7/20 things and i'm loving my life so far.

ps. i have a pretty substantial post coming soon, and it's been taking me FOREVER. i haaaate the stupid picture uploader thing on here. most of the time it doesn't work for me! GRR. it makes me mad. haha, but... it give me more time to think about what i really want to say in the post. haha POSITIVE!