I know I just posted something a few hours ago, but I just saw this on tumblr and I think it describes me perfectly. Or at least who I used to be. I hate change, yet I've pretty drastically changed my life multiple times in the past 3 years. I've made so many good friends and then just left them behind to do something else. And it's really bothered me.

I think I've finally found the place where I'm going to stay for the long run. I feel so happy and content here and the few friends I've made are people I don't want to leave behind. I'm making a life here for myself and I don't plan on changing it again for the next few years at least :)

Puuuulse :)

Can I just say that I absolutely love being in Pulse? This is the most I've ever learned from a group about playing cymbals, about performing, and about myself. I love everyone in the group and I love who I am when I'm there :)

I feel like my life is finally the way I thought it would be. I'm finally doing the things I wanted to do and accomplishing the things I wanted to accomplish.

2012 is finally going to be my year. A year filled with firsts and amazing memories. I'm so excited for my life right now, it's crazy <3

"Just like the clouds floating by, they just come and go."

I realize this is kind of weird time to reflect on my life, but I don't really care. So here goes!

A year ago I had just moved home from Flagstaff. I won't go too much into detail about everything I learned and junk, but I feel like the year 2011 was a year of transformation and enlightenment. I moved home weighing... I don't even want to know how much. I made it my goal to become healthy and get in shape so I could make a world class drumline for the next season. I had no idea where to begin, and I honestly think that's the scariest part for most people. Being involved in a drumline I hated also made it really hard. Just as I was really getting serious during the weeks, we would go on a trip for drumline, and all I could afford was fast food. All of my progress during the weeks would be gone in a matter of 2 days and knowing that the drumline I was in wasn't even worth it made it even worse.

After the season ended (I honestly thought it never would) is when my progress really started to show. I lost 6 pounds in the first two weeks and was motivated more than ever to get healthy. All summer I went on like this, not being swayed by the junk food in my pantry or the fast food near work. I wasn't just on a diet, I was changing my life. I started running for the first time ever and realized it wasn't as bad as I always thought it was and that I actually had much better endurance than I thought I had.

I did have a few bad days in there, even a whole bad month when I lost most of my motivation. The realization that the drumline I was dead set on auditioning for was slightly out of reach and not really a smart idea really brought me down. I started distracting myself with things and I stopped working out as often. I'm not sure that I took any steps backwards necessarily, but I definitely wasn't stepping forward.

A few weeks before auditions I decided I would audition for Pulse. And to be honest, I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. On one hand, Pulse is amazing, the closest out of state drumline to home, and I thought I had a good chance. But on the other hand, it wasn't my dream drumline, so I felt conflicted. But about a week before auditions I somehow managed to get my motivation back, and I started feeling excited.

The day before, I was a complete wreck. I had no idea if I was making the right decision and I was scared shitless. I had no idea what to expect. But I got there, and I loved it. I had kind of a rocky start, but after three auditions, I was the last person to make the line.

And after that, everything became surreal. I couldn't believe I had accomplished one of my major life goals.

Every time I think I've learned all that I can learn from life, I'm always surprised by something new. And Pulse has definitely been something new. I thought I was done learning about cymbals and drumline. I thought there was nothing else a music program could teach me about life. But I was so wrong.

In the four months I've been in Pulse I've learned to appreciate what I have while I have it. I've learned that it's okay to express myself, and if people think I'm weird because of it, that's okay because in this drumline you stand out more for not performing than you do for over performing. I've learned so much more than this but to be honest, this isn't why I set out to write this blog...

About this time last year I weighed 174 pounds. My highest weight ever(that I know of since I'm not good about weighing myself daily). It's taken me a year, and it's been a slow process, and to be honest, I still feel like I have so far to go, but I've lost 21 pounds. This morning I weighed 153 and I couldn't be more proud of myself. In the past year I've learned how to be healthy and how to stay healthy. I still have my days where I feel like I could be doing so much more, but I'm happy with the progress I've made, and to be honest, I can't really believe I've made it this far. Thinking back to a year ago, I never thought I'd be where I am right now. Living in California, 20 pounds lighter, and a member of Pulse Percussion.

Our show this year is called "Coming and Going" and it couldn't be more appropriate for my life at any other moment besides this one. I've completely changed my life to be here, and at first, I was actually kind of sad. Sad to be leaving my friends, coworkers, and family behind in Arizona when I had finally learned to love where I was. Sad that the past 3 years have been me moving back and forth between Flagstaff and Chandler, constantly leaving someone behind. But now I was leaving everyone behind. I had to start over: new friends, new family, new drumline, new house, new everything. But that's just how life is. Things change, people move, and new chapters start. "The pictures of life come and go, none of it stays." This quote couldn't be more true.

This was so long and all over the place... oh well. That's pretty much my life right now.

2011.

in 2011 my life changed for the better. i'm happier, healthier, and full of life. the year blew past me and i have a hard time believing it's almost over. i've been trying to think of ways to describe how this year has been for me, what it's meant to me, and i'm coming up blank. i'm living out one of my dreams, learning to appreciate what i have while i have it, and starting to live my life to the fullest.

i can't wait for 2012. there's so much to look forward to. this will be a year of firsts, and hopefully my best year yet.

:)

good things must come to end

i know that's an overused saying, but it's what i've been thinking about lately. i hate change, especially when i'm not ready for it. i think i hate it because something good is coming to a close, and i have to find something else that's good. and the fact that the future is so unknown scares me.

i don't want to move to california. i like what i have going on here too much. i like my job, my family, my situation. but i have to move. moving is what i've been preparing for for the entire year. i can't turn my back on my goal.

a few weeks ago i was having doubts about drumline. i kind of hoped going out to pulse would be awful and i would hate it so i could just live at home for a little longer. so things wouldn't have to change. but, to no surprise really, i went out to pulse auditions and absolutely loved it. i'm so close and it makes me so nervous, but being there and playing is like a dream, it's so surreal. i need to move to california, and i need to move out there now. at least in the next few weeks. this means getting a new job, a new apartment, a new roommate, a new life.

i had doubts because i wasn't sure if i was ready to leave. i still don't know if i am. maybe i'll never be ready. financially, i'm ready. physically, i'm almost ready. emotionally, i have no idea. i've lived in arizona for almost my whole life and hated it. this past year was different though, i grew to love arizona, especially chandler. going out to california has made me appreciate arizona even more.

i've been procrastinating on looking for a job and a place to live out there. for one, i'm waiting to see if i actually did for sure make the line, and then to see if my friend makes their open line. he won't know for two weeks, and i don't know if i can afford to wait that long to find a place... i need to find a job. i was hoping i could transfer to the one tropical smoothie they have out in southern california, but everyone tells me not to move to that city because i'll hate my life when i have to drive to drumline.

i might ask my grandparents if i can stay with them until i find a place to stay and a job. i'm sure they would say yes, i just don't know how living with them would be...

anyways. time to start talking about it and to start doing it, right? ughhh.

(i'm actually really really excited, this is just my scared rant about it... :P)

oh, also, i was going to write about how good things come to an end and how i've realized it or whatever so now i'm trying to live life to the fullest and appreciate everything while it's happening so that i have great memories to look back on when it's over.

yeah all that sappy stuff.

this is it.

i'm running out of time to prepare myself. i don't know if i'm good enough, i don't know if i'm strong enough. i do know that i'm as ready as i'll ever be, i have the money, the experience, and most importantly, the passion. i've never wanted anything more in my life at this point.

i'm getting worried. i can't eat i'm so nervous. i've been nervous for all of my other auditions, but once i got there i realized i didn't really have any competition. i hate that that sounds so conceded, but it's true. i've never really been to a real audition where i know everyone there is going to be just as good as me, if not better. i've been to auditions where there a few people i know are just as good or better than me, but i've never had to worry that i wouldn't make the line. now though... now it's different. everyone is my competition. everyone there will be working just as hard as me, will want it just as much as me, will have just as much passion as me.

maybe not though. i honestly have no idea what it will be like and that scares the absolute shit out of me. i can only hope that everything goes smoothly, that i at least learn something and have a fun time, even if i don't make it. i'm going to try my hardest to put myself out there and do the best i possibly can. but i really just don't know what to expect, and i wish my butterflies would go away.

it's hard to be confident when you've never been to an audition that really means something. my first ever audition turned out to be me competing against no one, having more knowledge about marching cymbals than everyone who came. i ended up being not only the section leader, but the tech as well. my second audition i was nervous for, but there were only a couple people there. i wasn't really sure if i was strong enough or whatever, but i'm positive i would have made it had i gone back. sometimes i wish i did, because the third place i auditioned for... was almost a joke, looking back on it. my third audition was right after my second audition, and there were about 13 people there. there was one person who was really really good, and the rest were almost all high school kids who had never really played before. i remember being excited to find out i made it, but one of the only reasons i actually did it was because it was about $1000 cheaper than the other line (not even exaggerating). the cymbal line was... all right. not good really. i had fun sometimes, but it was really just a dramatic season. my fourth audition i competed against 2 other people, one of which was my high school tech, and the other was a student from another school who was also taught by my high school tech... so it was all kinds of weird. i didn't end up going back to that drumline until after auditions were over, and i made the line anyways.

so yeah, i wouldn't say that i've ever really had a "real" audition. nothing that counted, nothing that wasn't for sure. nothing that would change my life if i made it.

i don't really know what else to write besides the fact that i really hate feeling nervous, and that hatred is probably the reason i haven't done anything like this before... i've never done something this huge. i mean, i guess in certain ways i have, but this is so huge for me.

all i can think about is myself, doing the best that i can, and having a good time. because at least if i don't make it, i'd like to remember it as a good experience, not a random audition that didn't mean anything to me.

auditions for drumline are this weekend. and i have no idea if i'm ready. i've been working my whole year towards this weekend, towards this season. saving up my money and working out a lot. i know i've slacked up the past month or so, but all of my previous efforts have done a lot for me.

at the beginning of this year i lived in flagstaff. i was unhappy because there really was no reason for me to be happy. in flagstaff, sure, i was at least in flagstaff. but i was working at burger king and i wasn't marching. i was growing apart from my friends because i wasn't in school. i couldn't get over the fact that i wasn't marching. i decided to march. and then i decided to move. when i moved home i didn't have a job, i was stuck marching a drumline i hated, but that i had moved my whole life for. when i finally did get a job all of my money had to go somewhere - my landlord and then my drumline director. i decided before the season was over that i couldn't do another drumline like this. i couldn't keep doing this to myself.

i started working out. my favorite cymbal line and drumline was doing really well and it motivated me to audition for them this year. i thought about it nonstop everyday, while i was working out, while i was working, while i was sitting around, while i practiced, while i did everything. i imagined myself on the line, i imagined myself moving, i imagined myself immersed in a good line and absolutely loving it.

and then it hit me... i'm not good enough for that line. how could i be? i'm just an arizona girl with a big butt and not much muscle. i'm lazy and i've never been on a good line. i started giving up subconsciously. i avoided getting into new tv shows or books all summer, because i knew it would take away my focus, but i let myself slip. i started rereading all of the harry potter books. it took me 2 weeks. and for two weeks the only working out i did was occasionally running. after i was done though, my motivation was gone. my dreams had been shattered by the realization that i would be slaughtered at auditions. i kept reading different books. i started watching movies all the time. i stopped working out everyday.

i started thinking about a different drumline. they aren't my absolutely favorite, but they're just as good. their cymbal line is good, but the technique is more like mine, so i thought i'd have a better chance. i decided i'd go out for their line instead. but i felt nothing. no excitement, no nerves, no motivation. just nothing.

this weekend i emailed someone who auditioned last year to see what auditions were like, because i had no idea what to expect, and once i got that reply, motivation came crawling into me. i only wish i had asked her sooner, but it doesn't really matter at this point, because now i'm excited and motivated and nervous.

whenever i daydream about it or think about it or whatever, i always think about me making it. i mean, it's probably not healthy to sit there and think about not making it... honestly though, i don't know if i expect myself to make it or not. sometimes i forget how good the line actually is. i watched videos of last year and thought, "wow, i'll never be that good..."

i have people telling me that of course i'll make it, or that i'll at least make a good world group, even if it isn't this one. but then i hear the way people talk about others who are auditioning for equivalent groups, and how could i possibly think after that that everyone who says i'll make it is being truthful to me? i hate to think that people would lie to me about it, but why would they tell me to my face that i have no chance?

a coworker was trying to tell me that i should have nothing to worry about because of how long i've been doing drumline. i've been marching for 6 years now, which is actually a lot more experience than most. but i know that people make really good lines with no cymbal experience at all, so i'm sure they base the audition on how fast you learn. i'm a fast learner, but can i learn as fast as these people, especially when i'm already experienced?

i guess this is just a rant on how nervous i am for this weekend. i know i need to feel confident, but it's hard when i have no idea what to expect from this audition. i've never really had to audition against good people before, i've never had to worry i wouldn't make a line. i've never had to prepare like this.

i feel like i'm not prepared. this past month or so that i slacked off really kind of killed me, but at the same time, i've been preparing all year for this, so that month really hasn't done that much in hindsight. i guess i really won't know until i go and see what are auditions are like.

when i sat down to write this post, i actually was going to write about this summer and how i've changed. a reflection post. i guess since this post is already really long, so i guess i'll summarize.

i've changed a lot this summer. i've actually spent a lot of my time with people who are younger than me, but they've helped me grow in so many ways. i'm still the same me, i don't smoke or drink or party, and i'm still not really very social. but, in a way, they've helped me realize that it's okay. it's okay to be myself.

i've been trying to think of other things they taught me... but they didn't really teach me many lessons i guess. they just helped me grow as a person, to be more open minded. the girls i worked with were the first friends i ever really made outside of band, friends who had nothing to do with band or music. i had to force myself to be able to talk about other things, because before i never could.

i think other than helping me branch out, they helped me be happy with my life how it is. which is one of the reasons i stopped thinking about drumline. i stopped thinking about my future for once, yeah i didn't think i was good enough, but for the longest time i think i knew i wasn't good enough, but i dreamt anyways. i needed somewhere to go in my thoughts that wasn't here. i needed something good to think about when my life wasn't all i wanted it to be. but they helped me, without knowing, realize how great my life is right now. they helped me to live in the moment and stop obsessing over my future.

i was so happy here, am so happy here, that i even started thinking that maybe i wouldn't go out of state for drumline. maybe i wouldn't do drumline. maybe i'll just stay and do what i've been doing. but like the saying goes, all good things must come to an end, and a lot of the girls i used to work with don't work there anymore. there are new people, but for some reason, i still feel happy about it. i love my job. i love the people i work with.

i still don't really know if i'm ready to move. i've created a life here in chandler. a happy life where i have a job and a place to live and friends. i've had to start my life over so many times in the past couple years. moving back and forth from flagstaff to chandler was exhausting because i always had to start over. find a place to live with a roommate i don't know and find a job and find friends. it's scary for a girl who doesn't like change. and now that i am happy where i am, how could i possibly pick up and move again? this is what i've been working towards, what i've been living for, and now i don't know if i even want it.

maybe part of me doesn't want to regret not doing drumline more than i want to do drumline. i also know that when i get to auditions and see what it's really like that i'll forget everything and want to move there in a second. i've never been on a good line. and i want more than anything to be on a good line. i love playing and marching and performing. i love it, and i can't see myself not doing it. this is something i'm so passionate about... i can't forget anymore.

/rant.