i know i've already posted two blogs today, but it's been a weird and emotional day. my last post was super happy and positive. this one... not so much.
i'm really tired of people telling me i can't do things, and thinking they know what's best for me and implying that i haven't thought things through.
maybe i am doing the wrong thing, but i need this. i absolutely, one hundred percent need this.
i can't stay here. i know that when i'm here i say i want to be there and when i'm there i say i want to be here, but right now, i need to leave. i can't stand it here. i'm not happy here. i want to be happy.
oh, how badly i want to be happy.
i'll do anything to make this work. i really will. i want this more than i want anything. why can't people understand where i'm coming from?! ejhnkjrhn. i'm in college, i don't care if i'm broke. seriously?! that's what's supposed to happen.
things are going to be different this time. there are so many reasons why things are going to be different. the biggest - i've had a realization of what i want, and what i need to do to get there. and for the first time, i'm going to do it. no matter what anyone says. i will do this.
i guess this is kind of positive?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
day sixteen.
Journal Prompt 16: Short, sweet, and straight to the point :) What are you wearing today? Write it, doodle it, cut it out of a magazine, whatever!
all of this is self explanatory, because it's really just clothes. haha. but i put a smile on there because today i can't help but smiling! for some reason i am in an awesome mood. i woke up early (kind of), i wrote a blog that really helped me to think better about why i'm deciding to move back to flagstaff and i'm realizing that i am so ready to move on with my life!
i just enrolled in my last class for this fall: cis 120. ewewewew. intro to computer information systems. JKEBGHBG. but i've been realizing lately that i think someday i want to have my own business, be it for photography or for an actual product, but i'll probably need to know my way around a computer more. and it's the prerequisite for the photoshop class that i also want to take. SO YEAH!
my schedule (in honor of all the high school kids who are doing this right now, haha):
nau marching band: 11:30-2:40 MWF
drawing 1: 6-8:40pm MW
digital photography 1: 3:30-5:15 TUTH
art appreciation: 6-8:40pm T
intro to computer info systems: 11:30-2:20 TH
PRETTY MUCH THE MOST AWESOME SCHEDULE EVER RIGHT?! i think so :DDDDD
JGKJNRDJGNKJWNF. i'm so excited!!!
all of this is self explanatory, because it's really just clothes. haha. but i put a smile on there because today i can't help but smiling! for some reason i am in an awesome mood. i woke up early (kind of), i wrote a blog that really helped me to think better about why i'm deciding to move back to flagstaff and i'm realizing that i am so ready to move on with my life!
i just enrolled in my last class for this fall: cis 120. ewewewew. intro to computer information systems. JKEBGHBG. but i've been realizing lately that i think someday i want to have my own business, be it for photography or for an actual product, but i'll probably need to know my way around a computer more. and it's the prerequisite for the photoshop class that i also want to take. SO YEAH!
my schedule (in honor of all the high school kids who are doing this right now, haha):
nau marching band: 11:30-2:40 MWF
drawing 1: 6-8:40pm MW
digital photography 1: 3:30-5:15 TUTH
art appreciation: 6-8:40pm T
intro to computer info systems: 11:30-2:20 TH
PRETTY MUCH THE MOST AWESOME SCHEDULE EVER RIGHT?! i think so :DDDDD
JGKJNRDJGNKJWNF. i'm so excited!!!
i've been thinking a lot lately. i don't have a job or any money, so that gives me tons of time to think about life. haha.
anyways. it seems like all of my friends are getting these amazing opportunities - to move to another country, even to another state, to open up their own store - and it gets me thinking about the opportunities that are being presented to me. and really, there are none. i wish a new place to go, something new to experience, money to do whatever i want. but i don't. it seems so depressing.
but. i'm trying to not let that bring me down. i'm trying to create opportunities for myself. i'm trying to better my life. this summer hasn't been the best summer of my life like i thought it would be, and i know that's my fault. i know i've been lazy about everything - getting a job, going to school, starting my life. i'm tired of it, and i'm trying to get myself out of this rut i've been in for the past seven months.
when this semester started i had WAY too much on my plate. kkpsi, 18 credit hours and winter drumline that took up SO much of my time was too much for me to handle. mostly because all three things weren't exactly things that i enjoy. in hindsight, yes, i loved kkpsi. yes, i kind of enjoy going to school. and yes, i love winter drumline. but kkpsi took up all my free time and even made me uncomfortable when i had to meet and talk to so many new people (even though stepping outside my comfort zone was good for me, it stressed me out - something i really didn't need). as for school, i was taking 18 credits of liberal studies and general electives, nothing that taught me about my career, and nothing that i actually really enjoyed doing. i ended up skipping class to have the relax time that i wasn't getting. and drumline is something i would do anything to participate in, even if i'm not actually enjoying myself. sure, sometimes i had fun, but overall, it was one of my worst drumline experiences. i don't regret doing it, but it really drained me of ALL of my money (and my mom's money), took up all of my weekends (i never did homework or anything for kkpsi on the weekends) and it too stressed me out.
so i was involved in all of these activities. i've been involved in a lot of things before, but never have i been in so many things that just STRESS ME OUT. seriously, i would never want to replay this semester... unless i got to change it.
after i dropped kkpsi, i was told that eric (my kkpsi dad) that i better start focusing more on school (that was my reason for leaving). i fully intended to do that, but instead i sat around. every time brianna came in the room i was just sitting there in the same position on my bed on my computer. i was doing things - blogging, facebook, tumblr, trying to figure out what to do with my life - but i wasn't actually making any progress. i was skipping class, not doing homework, and not caring. i was slacking.
i moved home for good in may (a consequence from my slacking, not caring behavior during the second semester). and as much as i tried to get a job, i didn't get one. and i actually could have tried harder. i could have done more. but i think i was scared. scared that i would get one. scared that i would have to move on with my life. i didn't want to have to look at the true reality of me actually staying and living here for at least another year. i went to asu drumline's preaudition clinic (i completely dreaded it though and pretty much hated all of it). i signed up for classes at mcc. i filled out the gold form for asu. when it came down to it though, i didn't pay for mcc, i put it off until the deadline passed and i was dropped from all of my classes. and when i got the email to actually sign up for asu's band, i didn't email back.
i had this realization that this isn't what i'm meant to be doing. and even if it is, it's not what i want.
i have my family, friends and boyfriend here. but i know they'll always be there for me no matter where i live. and if they're not, then they're really not worth having in my life.
i don't know if i can make any of this work, i really don't. i have less that two months before school starts and i don't have a job or place to live in flagstaff. so yeah, i'm scared. whenever i think about it i get this sinking feeling in my stomach - maybe i will have to stay here after all.
i know this post is long and depressing, but i guess i was trying to make a point - i may not be having opportunities handed to me, but i can create my own. i'm going up to flagstaff this saturday to look at some apartments and apply for a few jobs. i may have to sacrifice my free time in order to make things happen, but i know i'm not going to be doing things that stress me out. i'll be in art classes, which is something i wanted so bad last semester (minus ceramics...). i'm taking art appreciation, drawing and photography. i need one more class, and i'm not sure what to pick, but i'll figure it out within the next few days. i think this will be the first time i really enjoy doing homework. i want to get a job at a coffee shop or something like that so i can work mornings. i want to have a set schedule for everything.
oh, and i'll be doing marching band :) something i am so overly excited for. last season in marching band i really didn't what i was doing because i didn't know what a college cymbal line was supposed to be about. and i wasn't expecting to be the section leader and tech, so when i was, i had no idea what to do. now, i'm ready. and i'm so excited to see what i can do with the line. i'm trying not to expect everything to be the same, even for me. i'm trying not to expect that i'll be section leader or anything, but i can't help but be excited just to be there again. marching band was the class i was most excited to go to everyday first semester. i absolutely loved it :)
anyways. this is a super long post that went from depressed to happy. i feel happy, about everything. i really can't wait to be in flagstaff, living a life of happiness in the trees. skjnhjtkrhnrth. i can't wait :)
anyways. it seems like all of my friends are getting these amazing opportunities - to move to another country, even to another state, to open up their own store - and it gets me thinking about the opportunities that are being presented to me. and really, there are none. i wish a new place to go, something new to experience, money to do whatever i want. but i don't. it seems so depressing.
but. i'm trying to not let that bring me down. i'm trying to create opportunities for myself. i'm trying to better my life. this summer hasn't been the best summer of my life like i thought it would be, and i know that's my fault. i know i've been lazy about everything - getting a job, going to school, starting my life. i'm tired of it, and i'm trying to get myself out of this rut i've been in for the past seven months.
when this semester started i had WAY too much on my plate. kkpsi, 18 credit hours and winter drumline that took up SO much of my time was too much for me to handle. mostly because all three things weren't exactly things that i enjoy. in hindsight, yes, i loved kkpsi. yes, i kind of enjoy going to school. and yes, i love winter drumline. but kkpsi took up all my free time and even made me uncomfortable when i had to meet and talk to so many new people (even though stepping outside my comfort zone was good for me, it stressed me out - something i really didn't need). as for school, i was taking 18 credits of liberal studies and general electives, nothing that taught me about my career, and nothing that i actually really enjoyed doing. i ended up skipping class to have the relax time that i wasn't getting. and drumline is something i would do anything to participate in, even if i'm not actually enjoying myself. sure, sometimes i had fun, but overall, it was one of my worst drumline experiences. i don't regret doing it, but it really drained me of ALL of my money (and my mom's money), took up all of my weekends (i never did homework or anything for kkpsi on the weekends) and it too stressed me out.
so i was involved in all of these activities. i've been involved in a lot of things before, but never have i been in so many things that just STRESS ME OUT. seriously, i would never want to replay this semester... unless i got to change it.
after i dropped kkpsi, i was told that eric (my kkpsi dad) that i better start focusing more on school (that was my reason for leaving). i fully intended to do that, but instead i sat around. every time brianna came in the room i was just sitting there in the same position on my bed on my computer. i was doing things - blogging, facebook, tumblr, trying to figure out what to do with my life - but i wasn't actually making any progress. i was skipping class, not doing homework, and not caring. i was slacking.
i moved home for good in may (a consequence from my slacking, not caring behavior during the second semester). and as much as i tried to get a job, i didn't get one. and i actually could have tried harder. i could have done more. but i think i was scared. scared that i would get one. scared that i would have to move on with my life. i didn't want to have to look at the true reality of me actually staying and living here for at least another year. i went to asu drumline's preaudition clinic (i completely dreaded it though and pretty much hated all of it). i signed up for classes at mcc. i filled out the gold form for asu. when it came down to it though, i didn't pay for mcc, i put it off until the deadline passed and i was dropped from all of my classes. and when i got the email to actually sign up for asu's band, i didn't email back.
i had this realization that this isn't what i'm meant to be doing. and even if it is, it's not what i want.
i have my family, friends and boyfriend here. but i know they'll always be there for me no matter where i live. and if they're not, then they're really not worth having in my life.
i don't know if i can make any of this work, i really don't. i have less that two months before school starts and i don't have a job or place to live in flagstaff. so yeah, i'm scared. whenever i think about it i get this sinking feeling in my stomach - maybe i will have to stay here after all.
i know this post is long and depressing, but i guess i was trying to make a point - i may not be having opportunities handed to me, but i can create my own. i'm going up to flagstaff this saturday to look at some apartments and apply for a few jobs. i may have to sacrifice my free time in order to make things happen, but i know i'm not going to be doing things that stress me out. i'll be in art classes, which is something i wanted so bad last semester (minus ceramics...). i'm taking art appreciation, drawing and photography. i need one more class, and i'm not sure what to pick, but i'll figure it out within the next few days. i think this will be the first time i really enjoy doing homework. i want to get a job at a coffee shop or something like that so i can work mornings. i want to have a set schedule for everything.
oh, and i'll be doing marching band :) something i am so overly excited for. last season in marching band i really didn't what i was doing because i didn't know what a college cymbal line was supposed to be about. and i wasn't expecting to be the section leader and tech, so when i was, i had no idea what to do. now, i'm ready. and i'm so excited to see what i can do with the line. i'm trying not to expect everything to be the same, even for me. i'm trying not to expect that i'll be section leader or anything, but i can't help but be excited just to be there again. marching band was the class i was most excited to go to everyday first semester. i absolutely loved it :)
anyways. this is a super long post that went from depressed to happy. i feel happy, about everything. i really can't wait to be in flagstaff, living a life of happiness in the trees. skjnhjtkrhnrth. i can't wait :)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
day fifteen.
Journal Prompt 15: Today I would like you to brainstorm some goals for the upcoming month. A short list of goals that will be attainable to accomplish in one month.
it says a short list of goals that are attainable to accomplish in one month... so i drew this. this is what i want to have in one months time (maybe a teensy bit more than one month, but still). i want my own apartment in flagstaff. that's the biggest. the apron on the coat rack symbolizes me having a job. i really want to find a job at a coffee shop so i can work mornings. i really want to get a bike so i can not only save money on gas, but get in better shape. biking is one of the only exercises that i actually like! the shoes (they fail, but they kind of look like shoes) are supposed to symbolize getting in shape again through marching band and exercising on a regular base outside of marching band. i've been sewing a lot the past few days and i would love to start doing that again too. i have cookies in the oven because when i move out i am going to need to cook for myself and i really hope i learn how, haha. oh, and then the books on the couch represent school, which starts in about a month and a half. i'm currently enrolled in 3 schools, but only signed up for classes at one - ccc. i still need to pick one more class, pay and buy all of my books, but i'm so indecisive and i don't know what to pick for my last class! ccc doesn't really have that much to choose from either and i can only take one photography class this semester. i think i might take cis 120, because it's the prerequisite for the photoshop class they have, which i would love to take maybe in the spring.
anyways, i'm still trying to figure out all of my options right now. staying in chandler i guess is an option, but i'm trying to rule it out. i'm going to flagstaff this saturday to hopefully look at some apartments (for sure one) and apply for some jobs. i can feel this happening, and it's absolutely amazing.
OH, and i made the walls mint green because it's my new favorite color! i absolutely loooove it. i don't even like mint (eating it), but i love the color because it's totally awesome and i want to paint my walls that color when i move into my apartment (whenever i get one... haha). anywaysssssssss.
yeah. day fifteen, halfway done :/
it says a short list of goals that are attainable to accomplish in one month... so i drew this. this is what i want to have in one months time (maybe a teensy bit more than one month, but still). i want my own apartment in flagstaff. that's the biggest. the apron on the coat rack symbolizes me having a job. i really want to find a job at a coffee shop so i can work mornings. i really want to get a bike so i can not only save money on gas, but get in better shape. biking is one of the only exercises that i actually like! the shoes (they fail, but they kind of look like shoes) are supposed to symbolize getting in shape again through marching band and exercising on a regular base outside of marching band. i've been sewing a lot the past few days and i would love to start doing that again too. i have cookies in the oven because when i move out i am going to need to cook for myself and i really hope i learn how, haha. oh, and then the books on the couch represent school, which starts in about a month and a half. i'm currently enrolled in 3 schools, but only signed up for classes at one - ccc. i still need to pick one more class, pay and buy all of my books, but i'm so indecisive and i don't know what to pick for my last class! ccc doesn't really have that much to choose from either and i can only take one photography class this semester. i think i might take cis 120, because it's the prerequisite for the photoshop class they have, which i would love to take maybe in the spring.
anyways, i'm still trying to figure out all of my options right now. staying in chandler i guess is an option, but i'm trying to rule it out. i'm going to flagstaff this saturday to hopefully look at some apartments (for sure one) and apply for some jobs. i can feel this happening, and it's absolutely amazing.
OH, and i made the walls mint green because it's my new favorite color! i absolutely loooove it. i don't even like mint (eating it), but i love the color because it's totally awesome and i want to paint my walls that color when i move into my apartment (whenever i get one... haha). anywaysssssssss.
yeah. day fifteen, halfway done :/
Monday, July 19, 2010
day twelve-fourteen.
Journal Prompt 12: Journal 12 is all about trends. Whether you consider yourself "trendy" or not, I bet there are a few trends that you find yourself gravitating to. If not, you can create a page of trends that you think are lame too, it's up to you :)
for this one i was actually pretty dumb. these are trends that i follow, but i follow a lot more that i didn't think of until i was done. most of the trends i follow are fall/winter things. like tights and sweaters. I FREAKING LOVE SWEATERS. it disappoints me that i forgot :/ haha oh well.
Journal Prompt 13: Silly insecurities....we all have them unfortunately. If you don't, you are my hero :) Today I want you to document your insecurities, face them, write them down, reflect on them, and get them out of your system. Somewhere on your page I want you to write "BUT..." This will lead in to tomorrow's prompt :) This is definitely not a fun prompt but it's kind of necessary in order to move past them.
Journal Prompt 14: Ok, now that we have all of the yucky insecurities out of our system, I want us to completely focus ONLY on the things that make you the amazing person that you are. What are the qualities that you possess that make you so wonderful? Don't be shy and don't be modest either on this one :)
yep, i got lazy for the last two, so i decided to just write them in my handwriting rather than go all out. it's gets the point across though, so yeah. i'm caught up! :D
for this one i was actually pretty dumb. these are trends that i follow, but i follow a lot more that i didn't think of until i was done. most of the trends i follow are fall/winter things. like tights and sweaters. I FREAKING LOVE SWEATERS. it disappoints me that i forgot :/ haha oh well.
Journal Prompt 13: Silly insecurities....we all have them unfortunately. If you don't, you are my hero :) Today I want you to document your insecurities, face them, write them down, reflect on them, and get them out of your system. Somewhere on your page I want you to write "BUT..." This will lead in to tomorrow's prompt :) This is definitely not a fun prompt but it's kind of necessary in order to move past them.
Journal Prompt 14: Ok, now that we have all of the yucky insecurities out of our system, I want us to completely focus ONLY on the things that make you the amazing person that you are. What are the qualities that you possess that make you so wonderful? Don't be shy and don't be modest either on this one :)
yep, i got lazy for the last two, so i decided to just write them in my handwriting rather than go all out. it's gets the point across though, so yeah. i'm caught up! :D
:/
i was supposed to catch up and do day 12 and 13 today, but i didn't :/
BUT, i totally have been crafty all day and i'm actually pretty proud of myself! i'll catch up tomorrow, I SWEAR! is it weird that i actually kind of feel bad about it?
haha.
WOAH. totally got sidetracked by hybrid animals.
i want a zony!
zebra ponyyyyyyyy.
savannah cat :)
anywayyysss. yeah! i was crafty all dayyy. woo. hahaha.
BUT, i totally have been crafty all day and i'm actually pretty proud of myself! i'll catch up tomorrow, I SWEAR! is it weird that i actually kind of feel bad about it?
haha.
WOAH. totally got sidetracked by hybrid animals.
i want a zony!
zebra ponyyyyyyyy.
savannah cat :)
anywayyysss. yeah! i was crafty all dayyy. woo. hahaha.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
day eleven.
Journal Prompt 11: Hello friends. Today is another one of my favorite pages. And speaking of favorites, this is a page all about your faves!!
We are going to list your favorites in each of these four categories:
* TV shows
* Music
* Food
* Splurges
i only have to do two today and i'll be caught up! yayyy :) anyways, for this one i didn't want to just write all my favorites, so i tried to be creative and kind of failed, so i'll have to explain. the fridge is filled with my favorite foods (obvious). haha, the chicken is for chicken... i like it a lot. blueberries and strawberries, biscuits, pizza, party potatoes (amazing potato casserole that we have at parties... hence the name and the confetti haha :D), tortillas and cheese for quesadillas, water, smoothies, and nachos. the black box thing is supposed to be a tv with the names of a few of my favorite tv shows. i couldn't fit all of them because... the tv is too small... haha. anyways, i also like, that '70s show, america's next top model, snl, and say yes to the dress. i wanted to draw an ipod for my favorite music, but i drew a boombox instead... haha. anyways. yeah, i like a lot more, but those are my favorites right now. the top part are things i indulge in which right now is pretty much NOTHING. but usually i indulge in clothes, gifts for other people, and crafts. OH, i forgot books :/ dang. oh well.
:D
We are going to list your favorites in each of these four categories:
* TV shows
* Music
* Food
* Splurges
i only have to do two today and i'll be caught up! yayyy :) anyways, for this one i didn't want to just write all my favorites, so i tried to be creative and kind of failed, so i'll have to explain. the fridge is filled with my favorite foods (obvious). haha, the chicken is for chicken... i like it a lot. blueberries and strawberries, biscuits, pizza, party potatoes (amazing potato casserole that we have at parties... hence the name and the confetti haha :D), tortillas and cheese for quesadillas, water, smoothies, and nachos. the black box thing is supposed to be a tv with the names of a few of my favorite tv shows. i couldn't fit all of them because... the tv is too small... haha. anyways, i also like, that '70s show, america's next top model, snl, and say yes to the dress. i wanted to draw an ipod for my favorite music, but i drew a boombox instead... haha. anyways. yeah, i like a lot more, but those are my favorites right now. the top part are things i indulge in which right now is pretty much NOTHING. but usually i indulge in clothes, gifts for other people, and crafts. OH, i forgot books :/ dang. oh well.
:D
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