It's about that time... Time for a reflection post. So here goes. A year ago today... Wow, it seems like a lifetime ago. And really, it is a lifetime ago. My life was completely different then than it is now. Two years ago today? Shit... two completely different lives ago. I can't believe how different my life is. When I was younger I used to imagine what my life would be like when I got older. Usually it was only a year or two in advance, but once I graduated high school and started getting involved with independent drumlines, I always imagined a life filled with drumline and drum corps and nothing else. I imagined myself auditioning for somewhere great, making it, moving somewhere for that drumline and leaving all the bullshit of Arizona behind. I would always imagine the friends I would make, the relationships I would have, the person I would be. And then I would get up, go to rehearsal of the drumline I was actually in, see all the people I hated, and think I would never be able to make my dreams a reality. But somehow... I did. This past year has been a dream. From the Pulse audition, to the rehearsals every sunday that I had to drive out to California every weekend for. Moving to California and living with grandparents to be closer to group. Making friends that I always wished I had in my life. Trying new things that I never would have felt comfortable doing anywhere else or with anyone else. Everything... was just how I imagined it to be, if not better. Sure, there were some downer moments throughout the season. Or for me I guess it was all after the season ended... But I made it through. The thing that saved me? Drum corps. I never really knew a lot about drum corps. I dreamt about maybe someday marching, but had no idea where to go and how to go about doing it. I let my cymbal tech talk me into marching with the Sacramento Mandarins. This... was the hardest experience of my life. Both physically and emotionally draining, I've never felt so tired in my life. I had a ton of fun and tried to keep a positive attitude for most of the season, but I'll admit, there were a lot of days where all I wanted to do was go home. There were days where I let it get to me, where I thought too much about my family and let myself get bored with the show. But I pushed through, rubbed some dirt on it, and kept going, all the way to the very end. I won't lie, when I got home it wasn't as emotional as when I got home from Dayton. I think mostly because I know I'm going to see most of the drumline at Pulse auditions. But I didn't have as strong of a connection with Mandarins as a corps like I did with Pulse as a drumline. There was a lot that bothered me throughout the season. Even at my lowest points throughout the season when I was dirt tired and my body was sore from head to toe and I really just wanted to go home, I still maxed everything out to the best of my ability. Even when I was complaining that my arms hurt or that I missed my mom, I still tried my hardest. I guess that's something I got used to at Pulse... Everyone trying all the time, never taking a rep off. But at Mandarins... It's just not the same. Not everyone has the same mentality, and that makes it really hard to miss being there once I was gone. At the end of the day though, I can say that I survived my first summer of drum corps. I did learn a lot from the season. Mostly about how to push myself. I learned a lot about sound quality and marching technique. I feel like a better cymbal player after this season and I'm really glad I did it. I got an award from Dave this season. And it came at a time where I actually felt like I wasn't really getting better as a cymbal player. I feel bad because as he was announcing the award to us we were restrapping our new cymbals and I really wasn't paying that much attention to him. I really figured that he wouldn't give it to me... I had been noticing how much he called me out on things and how little he told me I was doing well. He would tell me after shows in the lot when we were by ourselves that I was doing well, but I rarely ever heard it during rehearsal. So for some reason, I just really thought he was going to give it to someone else. I remember him saying that the person who got the award can't be bullshit and something about the future... About how this was just the beginning or something... I can't really remember. But then he said my name, and everything I'd been through just seemed worth it. Not just that summer, but my entire cymbal playing career. I sat there and thought about all of the people who told me I couldn't do this. Who ever said I wasn't a good cymbal player. Who ever told me or even thought to themselves that I wouldn't make it anywhere. I wish I could say that I thought nice things about these people... But I didn't. I mostly thought, "Fuck you, I did it." The last person I said bye to at the airport was Vyvian. She was probably my most favorite person to be around this summer. I miss her like crazy and I'm sad that I don't get to see her everyday anymore. Saying bye to her made the end of the season feel more real. She's said that after this season she doesn't want to march drum corps anymore and she doesn't want to play cymbals again... But I really hope to be marching somewhere with her next summer, even if she doesn't play cymbals. Now that I'm home it feels like none of this happened. Except it had to have happened. I'm here in a room with all of my old things, things that used to mean the world to me, but now have little to no meaning at all. Things I used to look at and feel something... And now they're just things. Things that I'm not sure if I'd be sad about not having. Everything that has meaning to me is sitting in my car at my grandparents house, waiting for me to come get it. My body is completely different. I was reminded of the beginning of my journey when I went for a run on my old path... A year ago today I was running for a minute or two at a time, trying so hard to work my way up to 20 minutes of running at a time. I didn't know it then, but that might have been what saved me. If I hadn't had started running, who knows where i would be right now. I used to hate running... but now I can say that it's a regular part of my life. I don't fear it like I used to. I embrace it. I made it a goal to run at least once I week for the entire time I was 20. To be honest, I didn't succeed. There were some weeks I did not run. But that's not the point... I kept running in my life for the entire year. I changed my lifestyle to a healthier one. And I've never felt better about myself. Now my goals aren't to be able to run for 20 minutes, my goals are to have abs that everyone can see. Have toned muscles, be able to do 100 pushups. Because in reality, it's not that far away anymore :) I have about a month and a week left before Pulse auditions. I can't wait to be back. I can't wait for the season. I've heard of a few really good people wanting to audition for Pulse's cymbal line. It should be interesting to see how it plays out :) One thing I've learned this year... is why they call Dave, "Crazy" Asian Dave. But I can't wait to see what he has in store for Pulse 2013.

"When it comes you're not pushing it away, let it come, let it stay. When it goes you don't grieve. Oh, it's gone."

I can't believe today is finally here... I've experienced the last day of a season before, but it's never hit me quite as hard as this. Last year I was so happy the season was over. This year is the total opposite. I feel like my whole life was leading up to this season of drumline. I've grown so much as a cymbal player, performer, and person. After retreat my cymbal tech told me I was one of the best cymbal players in the world. I can't believe anyone would say that to me, let alone someone I consider to be one of the best cymbal players in the world. I don't want this season to be over. I don't really want to start a new season over again. If I could go back and change a few things I might, but I can't imagine being anywhere else. This past week didn't really go as expected, but it's been one of the best weeks of my life. I miss everyone so much.

I know I just posted something a few hours ago, but I just saw this on tumblr and I think it describes me perfectly. Or at least who I used to be. I hate change, yet I've pretty drastically changed my life multiple times in the past 3 years. I've made so many good friends and then just left them behind to do something else. And it's really bothered me.

I think I've finally found the place where I'm going to stay for the long run. I feel so happy and content here and the few friends I've made are people I don't want to leave behind. I'm making a life here for myself and I don't plan on changing it again for the next few years at least :)

Puuuulse :)

Can I just say that I absolutely love being in Pulse? This is the most I've ever learned from a group about playing cymbals, about performing, and about myself. I love everyone in the group and I love who I am when I'm there :)

I feel like my life is finally the way I thought it would be. I'm finally doing the things I wanted to do and accomplishing the things I wanted to accomplish.

2012 is finally going to be my year. A year filled with firsts and amazing memories. I'm so excited for my life right now, it's crazy <3

"Just like the clouds floating by, they just come and go."

I realize this is kind of weird time to reflect on my life, but I don't really care. So here goes!

A year ago I had just moved home from Flagstaff. I won't go too much into detail about everything I learned and junk, but I feel like the year 2011 was a year of transformation and enlightenment. I moved home weighing... I don't even want to know how much. I made it my goal to become healthy and get in shape so I could make a world class drumline for the next season. I had no idea where to begin, and I honestly think that's the scariest part for most people. Being involved in a drumline I hated also made it really hard. Just as I was really getting serious during the weeks, we would go on a trip for drumline, and all I could afford was fast food. All of my progress during the weeks would be gone in a matter of 2 days and knowing that the drumline I was in wasn't even worth it made it even worse.

After the season ended (I honestly thought it never would) is when my progress really started to show. I lost 6 pounds in the first two weeks and was motivated more than ever to get healthy. All summer I went on like this, not being swayed by the junk food in my pantry or the fast food near work. I wasn't just on a diet, I was changing my life. I started running for the first time ever and realized it wasn't as bad as I always thought it was and that I actually had much better endurance than I thought I had.

I did have a few bad days in there, even a whole bad month when I lost most of my motivation. The realization that the drumline I was dead set on auditioning for was slightly out of reach and not really a smart idea really brought me down. I started distracting myself with things and I stopped working out as often. I'm not sure that I took any steps backwards necessarily, but I definitely wasn't stepping forward.

A few weeks before auditions I decided I would audition for Pulse. And to be honest, I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. On one hand, Pulse is amazing, the closest out of state drumline to home, and I thought I had a good chance. But on the other hand, it wasn't my dream drumline, so I felt conflicted. But about a week before auditions I somehow managed to get my motivation back, and I started feeling excited.

The day before, I was a complete wreck. I had no idea if I was making the right decision and I was scared shitless. I had no idea what to expect. But I got there, and I loved it. I had kind of a rocky start, but after three auditions, I was the last person to make the line.

And after that, everything became surreal. I couldn't believe I had accomplished one of my major life goals.

Every time I think I've learned all that I can learn from life, I'm always surprised by something new. And Pulse has definitely been something new. I thought I was done learning about cymbals and drumline. I thought there was nothing else a music program could teach me about life. But I was so wrong.

In the four months I've been in Pulse I've learned to appreciate what I have while I have it. I've learned that it's okay to express myself, and if people think I'm weird because of it, that's okay because in this drumline you stand out more for not performing than you do for over performing. I've learned so much more than this but to be honest, this isn't why I set out to write this blog...

About this time last year I weighed 174 pounds. My highest weight ever(that I know of since I'm not good about weighing myself daily). It's taken me a year, and it's been a slow process, and to be honest, I still feel like I have so far to go, but I've lost 21 pounds. This morning I weighed 153 and I couldn't be more proud of myself. In the past year I've learned how to be healthy and how to stay healthy. I still have my days where I feel like I could be doing so much more, but I'm happy with the progress I've made, and to be honest, I can't really believe I've made it this far. Thinking back to a year ago, I never thought I'd be where I am right now. Living in California, 20 pounds lighter, and a member of Pulse Percussion.

Our show this year is called "Coming and Going" and it couldn't be more appropriate for my life at any other moment besides this one. I've completely changed my life to be here, and at first, I was actually kind of sad. Sad to be leaving my friends, coworkers, and family behind in Arizona when I had finally learned to love where I was. Sad that the past 3 years have been me moving back and forth between Flagstaff and Chandler, constantly leaving someone behind. But now I was leaving everyone behind. I had to start over: new friends, new family, new drumline, new house, new everything. But that's just how life is. Things change, people move, and new chapters start. "The pictures of life come and go, none of it stays." This quote couldn't be more true.

This was so long and all over the place... oh well. That's pretty much my life right now.

2011.

in 2011 my life changed for the better. i'm happier, healthier, and full of life. the year blew past me and i have a hard time believing it's almost over. i've been trying to think of ways to describe how this year has been for me, what it's meant to me, and i'm coming up blank. i'm living out one of my dreams, learning to appreciate what i have while i have it, and starting to live my life to the fullest.

i can't wait for 2012. there's so much to look forward to. this will be a year of firsts, and hopefully my best year yet.

:)

good things must come to end

i know that's an overused saying, but it's what i've been thinking about lately. i hate change, especially when i'm not ready for it. i think i hate it because something good is coming to a close, and i have to find something else that's good. and the fact that the future is so unknown scares me.

i don't want to move to california. i like what i have going on here too much. i like my job, my family, my situation. but i have to move. moving is what i've been preparing for for the entire year. i can't turn my back on my goal.

a few weeks ago i was having doubts about drumline. i kind of hoped going out to pulse would be awful and i would hate it so i could just live at home for a little longer. so things wouldn't have to change. but, to no surprise really, i went out to pulse auditions and absolutely loved it. i'm so close and it makes me so nervous, but being there and playing is like a dream, it's so surreal. i need to move to california, and i need to move out there now. at least in the next few weeks. this means getting a new job, a new apartment, a new roommate, a new life.

i had doubts because i wasn't sure if i was ready to leave. i still don't know if i am. maybe i'll never be ready. financially, i'm ready. physically, i'm almost ready. emotionally, i have no idea. i've lived in arizona for almost my whole life and hated it. this past year was different though, i grew to love arizona, especially chandler. going out to california has made me appreciate arizona even more.

i've been procrastinating on looking for a job and a place to live out there. for one, i'm waiting to see if i actually did for sure make the line, and then to see if my friend makes their open line. he won't know for two weeks, and i don't know if i can afford to wait that long to find a place... i need to find a job. i was hoping i could transfer to the one tropical smoothie they have out in southern california, but everyone tells me not to move to that city because i'll hate my life when i have to drive to drumline.

i might ask my grandparents if i can stay with them until i find a place to stay and a job. i'm sure they would say yes, i just don't know how living with them would be...

anyways. time to start talking about it and to start doing it, right? ughhh.

(i'm actually really really excited, this is just my scared rant about it... :P)

oh, also, i was going to write about how good things come to an end and how i've realized it or whatever so now i'm trying to live life to the fullest and appreciate everything while it's happening so that i have great memories to look back on when it's over.

yeah all that sappy stuff.

this is it.

i'm running out of time to prepare myself. i don't know if i'm good enough, i don't know if i'm strong enough. i do know that i'm as ready as i'll ever be, i have the money, the experience, and most importantly, the passion. i've never wanted anything more in my life at this point.

i'm getting worried. i can't eat i'm so nervous. i've been nervous for all of my other auditions, but once i got there i realized i didn't really have any competition. i hate that that sounds so conceded, but it's true. i've never really been to a real audition where i know everyone there is going to be just as good as me, if not better. i've been to auditions where there a few people i know are just as good or better than me, but i've never had to worry that i wouldn't make the line. now though... now it's different. everyone is my competition. everyone there will be working just as hard as me, will want it just as much as me, will have just as much passion as me.

maybe not though. i honestly have no idea what it will be like and that scares the absolute shit out of me. i can only hope that everything goes smoothly, that i at least learn something and have a fun time, even if i don't make it. i'm going to try my hardest to put myself out there and do the best i possibly can. but i really just don't know what to expect, and i wish my butterflies would go away.

it's hard to be confident when you've never been to an audition that really means something. my first ever audition turned out to be me competing against no one, having more knowledge about marching cymbals than everyone who came. i ended up being not only the section leader, but the tech as well. my second audition i was nervous for, but there were only a couple people there. i wasn't really sure if i was strong enough or whatever, but i'm positive i would have made it had i gone back. sometimes i wish i did, because the third place i auditioned for... was almost a joke, looking back on it. my third audition was right after my second audition, and there were about 13 people there. there was one person who was really really good, and the rest were almost all high school kids who had never really played before. i remember being excited to find out i made it, but one of the only reasons i actually did it was because it was about $1000 cheaper than the other line (not even exaggerating). the cymbal line was... all right. not good really. i had fun sometimes, but it was really just a dramatic season. my fourth audition i competed against 2 other people, one of which was my high school tech, and the other was a student from another school who was also taught by my high school tech... so it was all kinds of weird. i didn't end up going back to that drumline until after auditions were over, and i made the line anyways.

so yeah, i wouldn't say that i've ever really had a "real" audition. nothing that counted, nothing that wasn't for sure. nothing that would change my life if i made it.

i don't really know what else to write besides the fact that i really hate feeling nervous, and that hatred is probably the reason i haven't done anything like this before... i've never done something this huge. i mean, i guess in certain ways i have, but this is so huge for me.

all i can think about is myself, doing the best that i can, and having a good time. because at least if i don't make it, i'd like to remember it as a good experience, not a random audition that didn't mean anything to me.

auditions for drumline are this weekend. and i have no idea if i'm ready. i've been working my whole year towards this weekend, towards this season. saving up my money and working out a lot. i know i've slacked up the past month or so, but all of my previous efforts have done a lot for me.

at the beginning of this year i lived in flagstaff. i was unhappy because there really was no reason for me to be happy. in flagstaff, sure, i was at least in flagstaff. but i was working at burger king and i wasn't marching. i was growing apart from my friends because i wasn't in school. i couldn't get over the fact that i wasn't marching. i decided to march. and then i decided to move. when i moved home i didn't have a job, i was stuck marching a drumline i hated, but that i had moved my whole life for. when i finally did get a job all of my money had to go somewhere - my landlord and then my drumline director. i decided before the season was over that i couldn't do another drumline like this. i couldn't keep doing this to myself.

i started working out. my favorite cymbal line and drumline was doing really well and it motivated me to audition for them this year. i thought about it nonstop everyday, while i was working out, while i was working, while i was sitting around, while i practiced, while i did everything. i imagined myself on the line, i imagined myself moving, i imagined myself immersed in a good line and absolutely loving it.

and then it hit me... i'm not good enough for that line. how could i be? i'm just an arizona girl with a big butt and not much muscle. i'm lazy and i've never been on a good line. i started giving up subconsciously. i avoided getting into new tv shows or books all summer, because i knew it would take away my focus, but i let myself slip. i started rereading all of the harry potter books. it took me 2 weeks. and for two weeks the only working out i did was occasionally running. after i was done though, my motivation was gone. my dreams had been shattered by the realization that i would be slaughtered at auditions. i kept reading different books. i started watching movies all the time. i stopped working out everyday.

i started thinking about a different drumline. they aren't my absolutely favorite, but they're just as good. their cymbal line is good, but the technique is more like mine, so i thought i'd have a better chance. i decided i'd go out for their line instead. but i felt nothing. no excitement, no nerves, no motivation. just nothing.

this weekend i emailed someone who auditioned last year to see what auditions were like, because i had no idea what to expect, and once i got that reply, motivation came crawling into me. i only wish i had asked her sooner, but it doesn't really matter at this point, because now i'm excited and motivated and nervous.

whenever i daydream about it or think about it or whatever, i always think about me making it. i mean, it's probably not healthy to sit there and think about not making it... honestly though, i don't know if i expect myself to make it or not. sometimes i forget how good the line actually is. i watched videos of last year and thought, "wow, i'll never be that good..."

i have people telling me that of course i'll make it, or that i'll at least make a good world group, even if it isn't this one. but then i hear the way people talk about others who are auditioning for equivalent groups, and how could i possibly think after that that everyone who says i'll make it is being truthful to me? i hate to think that people would lie to me about it, but why would they tell me to my face that i have no chance?

a coworker was trying to tell me that i should have nothing to worry about because of how long i've been doing drumline. i've been marching for 6 years now, which is actually a lot more experience than most. but i know that people make really good lines with no cymbal experience at all, so i'm sure they base the audition on how fast you learn. i'm a fast learner, but can i learn as fast as these people, especially when i'm already experienced?

i guess this is just a rant on how nervous i am for this weekend. i know i need to feel confident, but it's hard when i have no idea what to expect from this audition. i've never really had to audition against good people before, i've never had to worry i wouldn't make a line. i've never had to prepare like this.

i feel like i'm not prepared. this past month or so that i slacked off really kind of killed me, but at the same time, i've been preparing all year for this, so that month really hasn't done that much in hindsight. i guess i really won't know until i go and see what are auditions are like.

when i sat down to write this post, i actually was going to write about this summer and how i've changed. a reflection post. i guess since this post is already really long, so i guess i'll summarize.

i've changed a lot this summer. i've actually spent a lot of my time with people who are younger than me, but they've helped me grow in so many ways. i'm still the same me, i don't smoke or drink or party, and i'm still not really very social. but, in a way, they've helped me realize that it's okay. it's okay to be myself.

i've been trying to think of other things they taught me... but they didn't really teach me many lessons i guess. they just helped me grow as a person, to be more open minded. the girls i worked with were the first friends i ever really made outside of band, friends who had nothing to do with band or music. i had to force myself to be able to talk about other things, because before i never could.

i think other than helping me branch out, they helped me be happy with my life how it is. which is one of the reasons i stopped thinking about drumline. i stopped thinking about my future for once, yeah i didn't think i was good enough, but for the longest time i think i knew i wasn't good enough, but i dreamt anyways. i needed somewhere to go in my thoughts that wasn't here. i needed something good to think about when my life wasn't all i wanted it to be. but they helped me, without knowing, realize how great my life is right now. they helped me to live in the moment and stop obsessing over my future.

i was so happy here, am so happy here, that i even started thinking that maybe i wouldn't go out of state for drumline. maybe i wouldn't do drumline. maybe i'll just stay and do what i've been doing. but like the saying goes, all good things must come to an end, and a lot of the girls i used to work with don't work there anymore. there are new people, but for some reason, i still feel happy about it. i love my job. i love the people i work with.

i still don't really know if i'm ready to move. i've created a life here in chandler. a happy life where i have a job and a place to live and friends. i've had to start my life over so many times in the past couple years. moving back and forth from flagstaff to chandler was exhausting because i always had to start over. find a place to live with a roommate i don't know and find a job and find friends. it's scary for a girl who doesn't like change. and now that i am happy where i am, how could i possibly pick up and move again? this is what i've been working towards, what i've been living for, and now i don't know if i even want it.

maybe part of me doesn't want to regret not doing drumline more than i want to do drumline. i also know that when i get to auditions and see what it's really like that i'll forget everything and want to move there in a second. i've never been on a good line. and i want more than anything to be on a good line. i love playing and marching and performing. i love it, and i can't see myself not doing it. this is something i'm so passionate about... i can't forget anymore.

/rant.

i love my brother. i really do. i admire the way he will tell you how it is and tell you whatever he's thinking straight to your face.

my mom kicked him out. just now.

i heard them yell at each other for about 15 minutes. and then he left. he tried to take my sister with him, because apparently my mom was scaring her. my sister's still here, but my brother is gone.

the past few months have been weird. my mom has been overreacting to everything, even to the point where all of us kids think she's being irrational, which is something she has never been before. she's yelled at me more since i moved home then ever before, even though i'm more responsible, more clean, and more secluded in my room. i have a job, i save my money, and i normally clean up after myself. i wasn't this grown up even last summer, and i was never like that in high school.

my siblings and i have made such an effort to make her happy, and it seems like none of it has been appreciated.

my brother, sister and i have been talking a lot lately about my mom. we think she may be going through menopause, but she denied this while my brother was yelling at her...

so i guess it all started tonight when my brother got home from our dad's. he took my sister to target to buy some things and then picked me up from work. he called my mom to tell her they were waiting for me to finish. i'm not sure what he told her, but i guess she got kind of annoyed, so he asked her why she had been getting so mad lately, and she started going off on him, so he hung up. when we got home, i went into my room and i heard her tell him that he is not allowed to borrow her car anymore. then all of a sudden they were yelling and cursing at each other. i think the gist of the fight was that my brother doesn't respect my mom, or our house or whatever, but that my mom doesn't respect us either. she's taking things away from my brother, like his phone and car privileges, which doesn't help him find a job. my brother asked if she was on menopause or something because she's been a bitch lately, and then she yelled that he had to get out. she tried to call my dad and tell him to come pick up my brother by tomorrow morning. then they yelled at each other more. my brother tried to leave with my sister because she was scared and didn't want to be here.

i think my brother could have handled things differently. but my mom could have handled them differently too. my mom denies being in menopause, saying that the stress of not having money is making her this way, but honestly i think it's both. last year, she never would have been like this. i can't believe she just expects my dad to come down here and get my brother. i have no idea if he will, but my dad lives two hours away and has a full time job.

my brother wrote me a note and put it outside of my room where my mom wouldn't see it. it says, "i'm sorry i had to start this."

i feel all of my happiness that i've had over the past few months quickly escaping. i feel almost empty without my brother here. he's only been gone a few minutes, but i can't believe my mom would ever do something like that. all because my brother was trying to ask why she was being so different lately.

after he left i could hear my mom talking to my sister. she thought my sister was on her side. she thought wrong. i could hear my mom complaining about my brother and wondering why he was being like this, and then my sister saying she didn't want to talk to my mom because she agrees that my mom has been extremely rude to us the past couple months.

there was one moment before my brother left when he said my mom would be sorry when all of us moved out on her.

i hope he's right. because i think it will happen soon. i'm leaving in a couple months for drumline. if i don't make an out of state drumline, i'll move into my own apartment. i'd let my sister stay there whenever she wanted. if my mom stays like this, i can see my sister wanting to move to her dad's house again though. i wouldn't blame her.

i miss my brother. i miss my mom. the way she used to be. the loving, tolerant, successful, accepting mom that i used to have.

for the first time ever, i like where i am, and i kind of don't want to leave. not even for drumline.

if i make a world drumline though, i'm for sure outtie. but if i don't, i'm staying, which i never thought i'd say.

i never thought i could be happy in chandler.

:D

motivation.

this year has definitely been a new experience for me. never have i focused so much on goals and worked to save my money and be healthier. summertime is usually when i gain a couple pounds, not lose 10 pounds.

at first everything was so easy. i had more motivation than ever to get in shape and lose weight. i exercised everyday, started running 3 or 4 times a week, and thought about my goals the whole time. i stopped eating unhealthy foods and felt great.

in the past couple weeks i've realized that one of my goals isn't exactly... obtainable? or that it probably isn't. my main goal this year was to audition for music city mystique, and seeing the progress i've made is great, but it doesn't seem like it's enough. now that my time is running out, and auditions are getting sooner, i'm thinking more about other drumlines than i was about mystique. mystique's auditions are so late in the year and others are so early, that if i were to make another line, i would feel bad about auditioning for mystique too. i have no idea if i'll make another line, but if i can't make another line, i probably can't make mystique...

anyways, now that i've realized that mystique is kind of out of reach, i've stopped being motivated. i'm going to audition for pulse, and i really like pulse and will be so nervous/excited to audition, but something about it just isn't motivating me to work harder.

as excited as i am for the upcoming season of winter drumline, it's slightly unsettling. in the past i've always known which drumline i would be doing. i never had to make huge plans for auditions or for the season.

i decided i don't want to do drumline in arizona anymore, which means i need to go out of state. all year i've been preparing for this, and it's still what i want. but i'm finding it hard to think about leaving, because i actually really enjoy my life here right now. i love my job and the few friends i have here.

i'm trying to figure out if it would be cheaper to live in california or just drive there every weekend... i think it's cheaper to live there, but when the possibility came into my mind i was like, "I CAN HAVE BOTH!" hahaha

i hate the uncertainty of where i will be in a few months times. i guess it all depends on whether or not i even make a line... because if i don't make an out of state line i obviously won't move at all. but that's my goal, so i'm not going to think about the possibility of me not making a group... haha i probably shouldn't but whatever. i don't like i don't know where i'll be, if i'll be able to find a place to live, or if i'll be able to find a job. there's a tropical smoothie about 30 miles away from where pulse rehearses, which is totally not bad. but they would have to let me work there... maybe i'll call them after auditions if i think there's a possibility of me making it. or if i make it... haha.



i wrote this last night and i never finished but now i don't know what else to write so

fathers, be good to your daughters.

my dad texted me this morning about my car. at the end he added, "i miss you." later that day i learned that he texted my brother about something else, but also saying that he missed him. then at dinner my mom said he texted her that morning, telling her how much he misses me and my brother.

my relationship with my dad is kind of a sore subject for me... it didn't used to be. i was actually a huge daddy's girl when i was younger. i barely have any pictures with my mom, but i have so many pictures with my dad. when my parents got divorced, i still loved him more than anything. i wanted to live with him, and i looked forward to every weekend i spent with him.

after a couple years though, i started to grow up. i realized that i didn't have very much in common with him. and the things we did have in common are what kept us from being close.

my dad doesn't always speak his mind, but when he did, for some reason it always seemed to hurt me. he used to make comments to me and my brother about what we ate, what we wore, what we looked like. as a kid, all either of wanted to be was accepted. at my mom's house, we got that everyday - acceptance. my mom never told us who to be or what to like. she let us have our own opinions and let us do what made us happy (within reason of course). but my dad thought that anything out of his norm, or anything that would other people think less of us, was wrong. he would ask me when the last time i washed my face was, whether i really needed another serving of food, whether i really liked the clothes i was wearing, or the way i did my hair, or if i really thought that what i was wearing was pretty. he would criticize my brother for not liking the same things as him, for going on the computer too much, for wearing the clothes he wore, for eating what he ate, for growing his hair long. everything. he was pretty subtle about it, but when i got into my early teens, it really started to bother me.

after high school started, i stopped going to his house as often. marching band kept me from having a consistent schedule, so i went when i could. whenever i was there, i sat in my room all day. every weekend i would ask if we were going to do anything, and he'd always say no or ask if i wanted to do anything. he would ask what i do at my mom's house on the weekend. and i'd tell the truth, that i do pretty much the same thing, watch tv. but, at my mom's house we have one tv in our family room, and we all watch it together, and my mom let us watch whatever we wanted. whenever i tried to watch tv with my dad, i always had to watch whatever he wanted, and i never wanted to watch what he wanted. so i stayed in my room most of the time. after a while the only reason i went was because i thought i had to.

since i've started college, i've only seen my dad when i made the effort to go see him. i can count on one hand the amount of times he's come to see me since then, and i'd still have fingers left over. and every time he has come to see me, it's because i had to ask him if he wanted to come. after a while, i felt like i was the only person putting any effort into our relationship, and i knew i shouldn't, but i kind of stopped for a while.

last summer my mom and i had a long talk about my dad. about how when i was a baby, he wouldn't even realize i was in the room until my mom told him i was. about how she always had to make him put an effort in when i was younger. it made me mad that i always thought i was so close to him when i was younger... still kind of makes me mad.

my first semester of college, i was going through a slightly rough time one week. everything was just kind of going wrong and i was homesick. i still hadn't made very many friends, so i was alone on a friday night. i decided to watch my sister's keeper. and i'm just going to put it out there that i'm not a very big crier. when i do cry, not very many tears come out, and i really don't know why. even when i want to cry, it usually just doesn't happen. and up until then, i had only cried while watching a movie one time. anyways, so yeah the movie was sad and all, but whenever the dad would do something nice for the daughter, i'd start bawling. and at first i had no idea why, but i couldn't help it. it happened every time the dad was in a scene. for the next couple weeks, it was all i could think about.

and then i realized that i missed my dad. not just because i was in school and away from my family, but i missed him because he hadn't really been in my life since i was little. technically he was, i saw him every other weekend for almost 15 years, but i felt so distant from him for so long, that i just missed him being a dad.

you know, the reason i joined marching band in the first place was because he convinced me to. and all he had to say was that he had done it in high school and that he liked it. i joined so that we would have something in common. he came to a lot of my competitions and some football games, but other than that we didn't really talk about it. and now that i've continued on with it after high school, he doesn't understand. he doesn't try to help me like my mom is. he's cutting off my child support and isn't going to pay for my car insurance because i'm not in school anymore, even though i'm taking time off from school to save money for drumline. he doesn't understand why i would put my life on hold for drumline, why i would pay so much for it, even though he himself was in drumline. of course, they didn't have winter drumline when he was in school, but still. and honestly, i don't think i've told him how much it means to me, and that i'm putting my entire life on hold to be able to march for the next three years.

on my birthday this year, i asked if he would come up to flagstaff to have dinner with me. i could tell he didn't want to make the drive, but he came. and i had such a hard time appreciating it for some reason... it should have meant the world to me that he actually came. he actually put in an effort. but he didn't sit by me, he didn't even really talk to me. my mom told me that he said he remembers the day i was born like it was yesterday. but still, he doesn't put in much effort to talk to me, or even get to know me. he knows who i was when i was little i suppose, but i've changed so much since then.

a couple weeks ago the registration on my car expired and he kept telling me i needed to give him all this information like record numbers and stuff that i didn't have. he finally called me and said that i needed to renew my registration myself, and that he's going to put the title in my name soon and that i would have to start paying my own insurance. we talked for a little bit, but i was just getting frustrated because i'm trying so hard to save money, and if i have to start paying for a bunch of stuff, all of my money will be gone. the next day though after he called me, he said that he got an email about my registration and that he took care of it. i thanked him and we were very polite and what not.

anyways, the whole point of this is that every time i read or see anything about good father/daughter relationships, i can't help but cry. my dad isn't a good dad because he doesn't know how to be a dad. he doesn't know how to be there for me when i need him, and he doesn't know how to be there just because. he doesn't put in much effort, but i know that if i stop putting in effort, we'll never talk to each other. i honestly hate putting effort into relationships that seem too one sided, so i usually stop putting effort in when the other person does as well. but i have to keep reminding myself that this isn't some random person, it's my dad. and i don't want him to not be a part of my life.

so i'm going to be the better person. i'm going to be a better daughter than he has ever been a father. and i'm going to put in some effort. his birthday was a couple weeks ago and all i did was text him... maybe i'll send him a late present... i have no idea what kind of things he likes anymore.

also, i hope whoever i marry is the best father any daughter or son could ever have.

it's been a while

i can't believe it's been so long since i posted on this blog. on a whim, i opened it up today, had to sign in (proving that it's been a long time since i've been on, since it always just remembers me...), and then looked at my feedjit live thing. a lot of people have been on my blog lately? haha more than normal at least. i even got another follower... hi by the way :D

anyways, i've been using tumblr so much lately that i've forgotten about pretty much everything else in my life. i don't really use facebook anymore, i obviously haven't been on here in a long time. but, i felt it was time to come back to my blogger, at least for a little bit, to write everything out like i used to. i'm not the best writer, so i'm sure this isn't what everyone wants to read, but writing helps me get everything out, helps me feel better about different situations, and i feel like it's been a while since i sat down and wrote out an extremely long rant.

first off, i saw this picture on tumblr,



and thought about how this is so wrong for me. some of my summers have stories, but most of them are completely boring and can be told in a couple of words. last summer... was horrible for me. a summer filled with nothing but misery and longing to be somewhere else, someone else.

the story of this summer, kind of starts in november of 2010. i stopped going to school and was focussing on work and rushing for my fraternity, kappa kappa psi. there was some drama, but all in all i was pretty happy. i thought i had grown so much in the year coming up to then, and i had. but i had no idea what would come in the next few months for me.

i got into my fraternity, i signed up for classes for the next semester, i came to terms with the fact that i would not be doing drumline for the first time since 2006. i was in flagstaff and i was happy.

but then for some reason, i started to change my mind. i wanted to do drumline so badly, but i knew i shouldn't. all the growing up i had done didn't seem to make it okay for me to stop marching. i had so many dreams for myself, and i felt like taking the season off would completely squash any hopes for a future in the marching world. i emailed a few people, i started weighing my options.

my options were these: 1. do drumline in chandler, live in flagstaff, work about 60 hours in 4 days so that i can afford everything. 2. stay in flagstaff, not do drumline. 3. do drumline in chandler, move home to save money.

i chose number 3. even though i had offers from my friends to let me live with them for extremely cheap, there just seemed like no way out of being able to afford drumline. i had already told the director i would be there. i had already committed myself. there was no going back on my word to him.

i spent my last month in flagstaff, being miserable. my roommates moved out, my friends were all away on winter vacation, my big brother was too busy to see me most days. i left right after the semester started and didn't get to see many of my friends.

moving home after living on your own is the weirdest thing. my brother and sister were used to having me gone. i guess it was worse last summer, because when i left for college i was quiet, unconfident, and untrusting of anyone and came back confident, loud, sarcastic and with a new understanding of love and trust. coming home this time was different though, it wasn't just for the summer, or just until i realized what i wanted to do, it was in the middle of the school year and it was for an indefinite amount of time. i had a purpose though, to save money and get ready for the next season of drumline.

i was always thinking of my future, always am thinking of the future. i dealt with some of my issues when i got home, and wasn't as miserable as i thought i would be. i got a job and had friends in drumline, no matter how much i hated some of the people in it. i could have been happier, but my plans for the future, the few friends i had, and the fact that i was finally making money kept me going.

when drumline ended, my first free weekend was spent in flagstaff. i told everyone how chandler wasn't actually as bad as i thought it would, that i was actually happy there for the first time. as soon as i went home though, a wave of depression hit me and i couldn't help but feel like i was alone in the world.

i stopped spending time with people. i went to work, the one thing that made me somewhat happy. i spent all of my free time in my room, alone. my mom noticed because i wouldn't even spend time with my family. i didn't eat with them, i didn't sit around with, i preferred to spend my time by myself.

i started working about 40 hours a week around this time. i took any shift anyone ever asked me to cover and i finally started to really bond with my coworkers. i felt like work was where i belonged, because no matter who i worked with, i always had fun. sometimes i never wanted to leave work because i knew i'd be going home to sit in my room and do nothing. i got tired of being so lonely. i got tired of spending every night alone. i tried to reach out to my friends from high school. i even tried hanging out with new people, only for it to happen once, and not again.

my twentieth birthday came. in all honesty, it was pretty bad. i was so excited in the days leading up to it. i made plans with my friends and my family. when the day finally came i tried so hard to be optimistic, but i was let down all day. all of my friends cancelled on me, except for my big brother, who only came to dinner with my family because i guilted him into it. i felt like crying all day long. i'm still convinced that birthdays will always be horrible for me.

when i got home i decided to start doing more towards my drumline goals. i started running. three days after my birthday i went running for the first time with two of my coworkers. we started slow, only running for a minute at a time, and then walking for 2 minutes and repeating that 7 times, but i had so much fun. i started going running about 3 times a week with my coworker kelli, and we've been going ever since then.

i'm not sure when it happened, but my coworkers became more than that at some point, they became my friends. i hang out with them, talk to them, and work with them on a daily basis. i'm not supposed to work today, but i'm going in just to see my friends because they asked me to. i don't need a ton of friends in my life to be happy, just a few good friends, and i finally feel like i have that.

on a different note, a couple days ago i officially lost 10 pounds. i know it's probably been more than that, but i've also been gaining muscle. i don't know if anything i've been doing is good enough to make a world line, but i've had a number of people tell me i look really good lately. i've been taking care of myself in a way i never have before. i care about my health for the first time, i care about how i feel. i'm trying to tell myself not to care about my weight, but not only do i want to care about the way i look, but the way i feel. eating the way i used to makes me feel so shitty, i get a stomachache in the worst way.

i've been trying to see beauty in everything lately. every person, every object, every situation. i've been trying not to let things get to me the way they used to. and it's been working, because i've been so happy lately.

i took a super long break from writing this... anyways.

i was going to go teach nau's cymbal line during their band camp which is next week. i emailed their section leader and she sounded really happy that i still wanted to do it. today she emailed me saying that the band director doesn't think the drumline needs any outside help. i almost started crying. i already asked for the week off, i really wanted to see my friends, and above everything, this is my first year not doing marching band, and i wanted to feel like i was at least a part of something...

it's been a couple hours, so the initial shock has warn off, but i still feel slightly sad. i'm trying not to let it get to me. i was put back on the schedule, so i can't go up to flagstaff anyways. i was supposed to make time to hang out with t.j., but it'll have to wait.



this is a super long story of what my summer has been... i'm sure no one will take the time out to read the whole thing, and i'm sure that if they do, it probably wouldn't make any sense... it's more of just a ramble. but i guess the one important thing that happened this summer is that i learned to be happy with what i have.

i've changed this summer. i've grown. i didn't realize it was happening until a couple days ago, but i've finally learned how to accept what life has given to you, and to focus on the positive. to stop worrying so much about the future, and live in the present.

rant.

last night my mom and i went out to dinner and then went shopping together and we had a really good time. i love my mom and usually she is my best friend. but then every once in a while, like this morning she'll just blow up at me, and i have no idea what brings it on or if she really even means the things she says.

this morning i went downstairs and we talked and everything was fine, and then she left to pick up my sister. while she was gone, i made some eggs, but they ended up being really bad, so i threw them out and started eating cereal instead. i left my pan from making eggs on the stove because i heard that you're not supposed to put water on non stick pans when they're still hot, so i was waiting. so my mom got back and i told them about my eggs being bad and my mom was like, "i need you to put water in the pan after you're done sam, i don't care if it's bad for it, i need you to. i don't understand why you can't just put the damn pan in the sink with water in it." and i was like... well, i'm not even done eating and i already told you why i do it. i'm sorry that sometimes i forget, but if you had just asked me nicely to wash it before i go back upstairs, i would have. and then she got super mad that she has to ask me at all. and then not just about the pan, but about everything. why does she have to ask me to unload the dishwasher? why does she have to ask us to clean the house? so i told her that she should have taught us to be that way, because growing up, we were never expected to just do things. and honestly, i think that it's like this in most households, where the parents have to ask you to do things, especially when it comes to cleaning, even when they get older. she got all mad and then said that i was irresponsible. i am an irresponsible 19 year old.

well shit mom, i am 19. and sometimes i forget to put my pan in the sink. but i have been way better lately. i don't leave all of my shit in the kitchen or in the family room or even in the bathroom. i've kept my room clean while i've been home, and i've been unloading the dishwasher every morning. but i'm not perfect. i'm not a neat freak like you. i don't even like when things are so perfectly in their place. i like some clutter. so the fact that i've been so good should show some progress to you. you have no idea how i was when i lived on my own. yeah i was messy, but as soon as my roommate asked me to do something, i did it.

my mom started talking about how we're all roommates together and roommates all have their assigned things that they do without asking each other. and in my head i was like, ummm have you ever lived with a roommate? especially in a house and not a dorm? because i have and honestly, it was nothing like that. i guess my situation was a tad bit different, but it's like, if you want something done, you do it yourself or you ASK someone else to do it. she's getting all butt hurt that she has to ask me to clean something. she said we were like roommates, but she's the "head" roommate because she is the head of this house. i was like, well, if you're the head of the house, then why do you have an issue with telling us what to do? or just asking us to do something? and she yelled at me that "this is my house and i will run it the way i want."

for some reason, none of this really makes any sense to me. last night she was telling me that she was so proud of me for working almost 40 hours a week. i haven't saved any money yet, but on monday i'm paying off drumline and from then on out i'll be saving a lot. i'm about to get a raise at work too. and then this morning she yells at me for being irresponsible.

if i didn't have to save money for drumline, this would be when i moved out. i would do it, because i know how to live on my own and i know i'm responsible. i do have some things to work on, but when you have a mother who is a neat freak and likes to clean, i guess you start to take advantage, even if it's in the smallest way, like knowing that if you forget to wash your pan every once in a while, that she'll do it for you.

my mom talked to me about a week ago about how lonely i seem. i don't have many friends in chandler and i won't ever make an effort to talk to them. i don't even like spending time with my family anymore. i lock myself away in my room everyday and spend an insane amount of time alone. she said that if i want to go see her therapist, i can. but honestly, i don't think i need to see one. i'm not like, the happiest i've ever been, but i'm also not depressed. and i'm okay with the way things are going for me right now. i'm on a mission, and my mission is to try out for a few different world groups and hope that i am successful at at least one of them. i can't move out now, because then i won't be able to save enough money to even go to auditions.

i think i'm a very responsible person, not just for my age, but just in general. if my mom doesn't agree because i'm not a neat freak like her, then i don't really care. i'll continue to lock myself in my room, i won't go downstairs until she's gone. i'll clean up all of my messes and i'll make it seem like i'm not even here. i won't let her use my car anymore and i'll do everything myself.

i always thought my mom was a good mom, but it's times when she starts getting mad at me for who i am because of the way i was raised, that remind me that she could have done better.

school.

i've been thinking in the past couple days that i might go back to school. like, over the summer. and then fall. and so on. haha. i've really enjoyed taking the semester off. no school, no homework. but to be honest, i've been slightly bored. i don't want to go back to full time just yet, but i think taking a class or two would be good. every time i talked to my friends and they said something about school, it made me feel dumb for not being in school anymore. and if i take more time off, it might turn into forever off, and i don't want to work in fast food my whole life...

a couple days ago i saw this picture on tumblr.



i've seen it before, and both times i just stared and stared at it. the second time though, i remembered how in elementary and junior high school i wanted to be an architect. i've been trying to figure out what i want to do with my life lately, and this seems like the first real and possible thing that i have thought of that i've wanted to do for a while. it just seems more... realistic than some of the things i've been thinking in the past couple months. the word realistic sounds kind of depressing to me, but it's really not in this situation! haha.

so this summer i think i'm going to start catching up on math. then take all of the classes i can take at cgcc. asu has a program, so i think eventually i will apply there. i don't and will never regret going to nau, but i bet i would have gotten a better scholarship had i applied to asu in the first place... now i have some bad grades on my transcripts, so i doubt i would get a scholarship :/ but, i'd probably be able to afford student loans if go into architecture... right? haha

i think this is happening.

things i have learned from my mother.

1. don't settle for any man who isn't your soul mate.
2. don't run away from your problem. they'll catch up to you eventually.
3. don't push away the people you love, even if they have hurt you.
4. forgive people who have hurt you, even if they are not still in your life. don't do it for them, do it for yourself.
5. realize what your dreams are and go for them now.
6. accept everyone for who they are, if you don't like them, you don't have to be friends with them, but you shouldn't try to change them.
7. don't tell people not to cry when they are upset. tell them it's okay to cry and let everything they are feeling out.
8. don't let anything bottle up inside for too long.
9. stay positive.
10. enthusiasm can change any situation.
11. think of all of your options.
12. be patient.
13. there are more important things than money.
14. how to be healthy.
15. support the people you love, no matter what they want to do.

there are so many more things that i have learned from her. unfortunately for my mom, most of these lessons have come from me seeing her do the complete opposite and me telling myself i will never do that. i've been so happy lately and i know it's because she's helped me to be that way. it hurts me to know that she's hurting so much, and i really hope she makes it through this. i know deep inside that she will, but i don't think she believes that.

pursuit of happiness.

this week has been very productive for me! on monday i worked and got my paycheck, so i was able to pay off my landlord! i sent her the last check i owe her and i'm super pumped to not have to worry about it anymore :P that night i went shopping with my mom and then got to see my sister do gymnastics for the first time in about two years. and wow! she got sooo good! then yesterday i practiced cymbals and learned some new visuals that i've been trying to figure out for ages! it... was super exciting :D then i got my haircut yeeeahhhhh. i needed one so bad! haha. today i woke up at 6am for work at 7am. i got off after an hour because she only needed me to help with a catering order. haha, but i got a free smoothie out of it! i came back and was practicing for a bit again, but my arms were tired and i didn't want them to get too bad before drumline tonight, so i went for a walk instead. now i've already eaten lunch and it's only 10! haha, i feel great.

while i was on my walk i was thinking about how unhappy i thought i was going to be moving back here. i told my mom that i would be absolutely miserable. and yeah, there have been some rough patches in the past few months, but overall, i feel so happy. i'm not really sure what it is. i'm away from most of my friends, i spend my days that i don't work alone, and i'm on a drumline that i don't really like. but for some reason, waking up every morning and getting out of bed is so easy. i love the alone time i get to just relax, and then i love seeing my friends at drumline. i love working and getting paychecks and i love being able to workout on my free time. i love seeing my family every night and i love having animals around the house. some of my blogs recently have been filled with the things i hate, but this one is filled with love.

super cheesy but whatevs, i'm happy :P

choose to be happy.

sometimes i think about when i was happiest. and i used to think it was when i was in flagstaff last semester, doing marching band, rushing for kappa kappa psi, living on my own, working for something i wanted. when i decided to move home i was terrified that i would lose everything i had worked for in regards of happiness. i realized that i had never been happy while living in chandler and for some reason i just associated chandler with every bad thing that has ever happened to me.

now that i've been home for about a month and half, and i can honestly say that i feel happy. i have a job that i enjoy for the most part, i get to live at home with my family for free, i get to eat for free, i get to work out all day (except when i get my period like right now... hehe tmi). but everyday i get to get out of bed and be carefree. and i love it. i know what my goals and what my obligations are, and i'm, for once, enjoying the road it's taking me to get there. i miss flagstaff of course, but i'm actually very glad i came back.

i'll be paying off this drumline season for a while, but i'm so happy that i have a job so i can eventually do that. i'm excited for the first paycheck i get that doesn't have to go to drumline, even though that's months from now, i'm looking forward to putting in my back account and having it stay there. having something to look forward to i think is what really is keeping me going.

but mostly, i think it's just because i'm choosing to be happy. i used to have someone in my life who would always tell me that he would just choose to be happy instead of something else, and i tried to explain that it's not that easy sometimes, and it really isn't. but right now i know there isn't much holding me back, and the things that are, won't be holding me back for much longer. i'm looking on the bright side of life and enjoying everything i have and everything i soon will have. and i think that's a wonderful way to live life.

endhappinessrant. :D